4 Gifts That Have Helped Me Heal From Divorce-by Jeni Barton

4 GIFTS THAT HAVE HELPED ME HEAL FROM DIVORCE, by Jeni Barton

It can be easy to succumb to feelings of bitterness and despair following a divorce. In my opinion, I think it’s healthy to feel those feelings, process them, and release them. But also, in the delicate and trying process, I believe it’s equally as healthy to put oneself on a trajectory moving forward. With these four gifts, I have been able to do just that.

My relationship with God is a gift.

One thing I was not prepared for post-divorce was the aching loneliness I experienced. Most surprisingly what hurt the most in my loneliness was when, inevitably, happy memories from my marriage came to mind. I could handle bad memories. I processed and disposed of those with tools I’d learned from my therapist and others. But happy memories left me sad and confused. I wondered, were those times even real? They seemed genuine at the time. Were they all a joke or a waste? What should I do with those memories? Deny they ever existed?

Then, it came to me: The Triangle Theory. I don’t know if this is the generally-accepted term for it, but it’s that theory I learned in a marriage prep class that a marriage is a triangle with three points representing God, yourself, and your spouse. I realized that if this triangle theory is correct, then a happy memory was not just between me and my ex-husband; God was there too. Strange though it may sound, this thought gave me incredible comfort. If a happy memory popped up, I could talk it over with God. He was there too! He knew how much it meant to me! Together, we could then let it go. Instead of feeling like those parts of my life were somehow wasted or a lie, I acknowledged them as pieces of my journey that God was witness to. By using this mind exercise, the memories had no power to make me feel lonely, sad, or confused.

I also spent a lot of time conversing with God, and not just in formal prayers. I used the time before falling asleep, when I used to talk to my then-husband, to talk to God. I talked to him about my job, my worries, and my fears. I felt He was listening, and most importantly, that He cared. Sometimes, I felt calming reassurances, and I knew I was loved. It reminded me of something a loved one once told me. She was sick with a terminal illness, and she knew no one wanted to listen to her complain late into the night about her physical pains, so she talked to her Heavenly Father. He did not shame her for being weary of the pain and talking to Him about it. She knew He listened and cared. While I do believe it’s important to share feelings and experiences with others (as I later mention), nothing can substitute conversing with our Heavenly Father.

The gift of empathy

As I was initially going through the process of divorce, I felt a lot of judgment, negativity, and overall ickiness. Empathy helped me not let these swirling forces bring me down. Empathy came in a couple different ways.

First, it came with my relationship with Christ. I believe that Christ is the master healer partly because he has perfect empathy for us in every situation and every emotion we ever experience. He knows exactly how we feel, and He knows how our minds and emotions work because He helped create us. Who better to heal our troubled minds and to take our sorrows than our Creator? From my Savior, I felt understanding and love with such power to overcome all the negative influences. I knew He walked with me.

The second source of empathy was my women’s 12-step group. This group changed my life, and I don’t say that lightly. Being in a group of women who were going through the same things I was and hearing their stories was empowering. There is something about camaraderie that heals aching and lonely souls. I remember the first time I shared in the group, I was literally shaking, but the women were compassionate and understanding. As I worked through the steps and met with the group each week, I learned amazing things from them and the program. They helped me learn to surrender to God, to move past blaming and shaming to a place of personal responsibility, and to trust God again.

The gift of peace

I read a quote with the idea that even though someone may be surrounded by a raging storm, she can experience peace. I realized that peace for me is the Spirit, and it’s one of the greatest gifts I have known.

I once attended a religious ceremony of another faith. One of the prayers simply said, “Come, Holy Spirit.” That prayer stuck in my mind, and since that time, I have recited it on many occasions. I know it works, if I believe that it will. I remember a specific time when I received an email which made my heart pound and my mind race, and I could feel the anger rising. I remembered this prayer and said it quietly in my head. I asked for His Spirit, reminding myself that it was a gift promised to me, and that it would come. I asked for His help to be calm, to not let emotions overcome me, and to know how to respond. I acknowledged that I needed his help to feel peace; I couldn’t do it alone. The peace came. I have used this gift many times when I’ve been scared, angry, frustrated, or sad. Peace is a gift. It has saved me from doing something I’d regret and from wasting my energy on negative thoughts or feelings. Knowing that this gift is mine and available to me has been incredibly healing.

The gift of life

The fourth gift is life. For me there are two parts to this gift. First, it means being deliberate in bringing things into my life that uplift and inspire me. This includes reading books, listening to music, taking a walk, writing poetry – whatever helps me feel like I’m learning, active, and alive! I cannot simply be passive and let things be brought into my world. I have to purposely seek out what to have in my life.

Second, I think it’s also being grateful for the gift of life. Some days I would struggle so hard and just remind myself, “I’m alive. I’m still going. I’m so grateful for that!” Then through that lens, little things suddenly had more meaning and purpose. A letter from a friend on a mission was an answer to prayer. Being outdoors was invigorating. Finding a job I liked was a miracle.

There was a time when I was still married that I didn’t view my life as a gift. I was at a terrible low. A few years later, after my divorce and much healing had taken place, I sat inside a temple witnessing its dedication with people I loved. It was a serene and blessed moment that a few years prior, I never would have imagined happening. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude and awe came over me as I thought of how far I had spiritually traveled and how grateful I was to be in the temple at that moment. I thanked God for His gift of life.

Acknowledging Gifts

I feel it’s important to mention that in my experience, these gifts can only have healing properties if they are viewed as gifts. With acknowledgment comes healing power. There are many gifts I didn’t even mention, and I feel it’s important to recognize those too as gifts from God. James 1:17 reads, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights.” When people say to me things like, “You deserve to [find a good guy/ go on a vacation/ buy that thing/ etc.],” it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like the idea of “deserving” something. Instead, I find greater comfort in recognizing every good thing in my life – my family, my friends, my health, even when something goes right at work – as gifts from God. I am certainly not perfect at this, not even close. But when I do check myself and acknowledge these things as gifts, I feel so much more at peace.

I should also mention that healing is not a destination. I have yet to wake up one morning and say, “I’m healed!” Rather, I feel like healing is a journey with God and my Savior. These gifts help me feel more whole, not instantaneously and permanently, but better with effort, day by day.

By Jeni Barton

ARE YOU READY TO DATE AGAIN? By Laurie Smith

                                  Divorcees and widowers: are you ready to date again?

                                                              By Laurie Smith

Choosing to date after a long-term marriage has ended* in divorce or a spouse has passed away, is a deeply personal decision. Some choose to remain single for the rest of their lives. While others want to jump back into the dating pool quickly because they're lonely. Dating the second time around is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, persistence, and a willingness to face rejection.
If you think you're ready to jump back into the dating scene, let me ask you just one question: do you even jump anymore? I mean, seriously, most of us at this stage in life (50+) don't do a whole lot of jumping in our day-to-day lives. Are you ready to risk hurting your knees or that bad hip of yours? What about your heart? Are you ready to risk having your heart broken again?
Those of us who have had a long-term marriage end, have already experienced a broken heart. For some, our hearts weren't only broken, but were ripped out of our chests and trampled on. Are you emotionally and mentally prepared to experience the wild roller coaster of dating?

Time does not heal all wounds. So rather than giving a time frame for when you're ready to get back into the dating scene, here is an emotional frame that may help:

1. If you are still angry, hurt, or crying yourself to sleep at night, you are not ready to start dating.
Feelings of anger, grief, and shock are signposts that let you know your heart/mind/body are still trying to process what has happened to you. Seeking professional help is a good idea. No one should be in a new relationship when they haven't been able to heal and move forward from the previous one.

2. If you still need to share your grievance/grieving story with everyone you meet, you're not ready to start dating. 
That chapter of your life should definitely be shared with a potential partner at sometime during the relationship, but certainly not on a first date. We want to bond with someone because of who we are right now and where we are headed--not because of our past. Bonding with a potential partner over the fact that both of you were cheated on by your former spouses, or both of you lost your former spouses to cancer, is not a legitimate reason to feel "you were meant for each other."

3. If you believe having a new partner will heal the heartache you're experiencing, or believe a new partner will ease your financial problems, or hope a new partner will help your devastated family become whole again, you are wrong. You should not be dating yet.
It is unfair of you to place the burden of your happiness and healing on the shoulders of someone else. Solve these situations first in your own life, before bringing someone else into the picture.

4. If you compare everything about a potential partner to your former partner, you are not ready to start dating. 
People need to be measured and appreciated on their own merits, not chosen because they are the total opposite of your former spouse (in the case of divorce) or because they remind you of your former spouse (in the case of widowhood.) For example, let's say a divorced woman's former spouse was a porn and sex addict, if her dating radar is only looking for a man who hates porn, then she might gloss over other negative attributes that could also be harmful in a marriage. Another example would be a widower whose first wife happened to be the world's best cook. If he judges all women on their culinary skills alone, he could be missing out on the love of his life!

5. If you are expecting a new partner to simply slip into your life, your lifestyle, your home/family/community etc., you are not ready to be in a relationship.
A new marriage deserves a fresh start. No new spouse wants to be a "replacement" for your former spouse. If you aren't willing to buy a new home together, if you aren't willing to participate in new activities, go to new vacation spots, make new friends, include their family with your family, you are not ready for a new marriage.

*A marriage ends the day the Judge signs the Divorce Decree, or your spouse is dead. Some may think that's an obvious statement to make, unfortunately it has to be said because there are many LDS spouses who rationalize when their marriage is "over." They wrongly rationalize it's OK to start looking for someone new because they're separated and/or have filed for divorce or their spouse is terminally ill. Wrong! You are still married! If the decree of divorce hasn't been signed or your spouse still has a pulse, you are still legally, lawfully married, and should not be looking for a new partner.

CONTRACT OF LIFE, Life is Not Fair!!!

CONTRACT OF LIFE

By Ross Wilson, Alpine, Utah

Life is Not Fair! This is not a new concept for anyone. All one has to do is take a look around here and see life is not fair.

•  It is not fair that I do not have the stunning good looks of Norine Garrett.
•   It is not fair that I do not have the hair of Joyce Andrew
•   It is not fair that I do not have the humor of Marbra Scherer
•   It is not fair that I do not have the fun smile Carla Wheadon And there are a lot of more   serious issues of unfairness. 
•  It is not fair that Bishop Petersen suffers health issues while someone of my size is healthy.  

Some people suffer from severe depression while others are as chipper as a lark.  Some people struggle to find work while others make money hand over fist.  Some people are born into war-stricken countries, or and do not hear the words of Christ.  It is not fair that my first wife never had a single health issue as an adult; Not even a headache; and to continue that …  It is not fair that my first wife’s only health issue occurred when she developed brain cancer and quickly died, leaving her children and me behind. 

We could all continue to list what is not fair by describing things about the persons all around you. Perhaps you have hear the words “that is not fair” stated in your house? Have you heard it more than once? So if life is so unfair, why oh why, did we “Jump for Joy” when we were given the opportunity come here, gain a body and have these “unfair” experiences? Perhaps the answer to this question lies in an observation: Every miracle first started as a problem that one could call unfair; a trial. 

So, What Happens when we Die? I don’t know the exact order of things, but from what I know and have read from the Lord through His prophets, this is what I think will happen. We will see those afflicted with severe mental illness be restored though Christ; and we will say that was merciful, just and fair. We will see our children who are making what we think are poor choices because of the poor example of an errant leader or parent be judged by Christ who understands their heart and soul; and we’ll say it was merciful, just and fair. 

We will see my friend who was on a senior couple mission, who had a stroke, and woke up not knowing his wife or the gospel, and only remembered snippets of his past. He left the hospital smoking, something he never did before in his life. We’ll see him judged by Christ who understands his heart and soul; and we’ll say it was merciful, just and fair. 

We will see our children who were injured in an accident and then make what we feel are poor choices judged by Christ who understands their heart and soul and we’ll say it was merciful, just and fair. We will see those have wronged us or hurt us judged by Christ who understands their heart and soul and we’ll say it was merciful, just and fair. Most importantly, we ourselves will be judged by Christ who understands our heart and our soul and we’ll say it was merciful, just and fair. 

All of these judgements will come from Christ, who has felt our ills and challenges, who has shown ultimate love and is kind and just. Once all mankind has been judged, we will see that although it may have been said that we felt this life was not fair, we’ll then understand that the only person who it was not fair to was Christ. Christ our savior who atoned for our sins, mediated before the father for our sake. Christ who died for my sins so I can return to the Father. 

Although I will feel consequences for my choices here on earth, I cannot pay for my sins, He did. My eternal life will be based on His mercy, justice and fairness that comes only through Christ. Once we all see these judgments, especially the part when we are judged and exalted only through the mercy available from the atonement of Christ, it will be easy to see how every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Christ. So.. Now what? Our test is not over, nor will it be for a while. 

Christ died for my sins so I could return to my Father

Four Steps to Get Through Life: 

1. Understand why we are here. We are to be tried and tested in all things. Each of us. By this I mean, we will all be tested:  Spiritually,  Physically,  Mentally,  Temporally,  Morally. I firmly believe that we will all be tested multiple times in all categories. It is not a question of if, but of how we will be tested in each of these areas. If we are to be tried and tested in all things, then certainly there are more values than the ones I mentioned. The goal, is to develop Christ like attributes of:  Faith in Jesus Christ  Hope  Charity  Love  Virtue  Knowledge  Patience  Humility  Diligence  Obedience. These Christ-like attributes, taken from Preach my Gospel, are the attributes we all need to develop, and as I understand them, all of these attributes are developed through hard work and proved through trial. If we can remember why we are being challenged, tried and tested, we can respond in a more appropriate way. For me there are two key things that I look to in order to help me respond correctly. One of them are the covenants I made in the temple; these covenants are sure and true and help provide me with an impetus to keep working to better myself, endure trials, with the knowledge that the promised blessings will be realized. The second is very personal to me, but I will share a portion of it. Over the course of my life, I have had several experiences that confirm that there is a premortal and post-mortal existence. This knowledge, coupled with the fact that I want to live with my family forever, is a very strong motivator for me to endure to the end. I have developed what I call “My Contract with Life.” Within it, I have listed each challenge I have had or I have seen others have and what I am supposed to learn from them. What is interesting is that there is always a clear benefit to the challenge unless the person gives in. When a trial comes your way, (and they will as long as you are progressing), perhaps a good strategy would be to recognize it and ask yourself “What am I supposed to learn from this?” When we understand the answer to this question, then we can respond to the challenge with more insight. You may consider keeping your own “trials log,” wherein you list the challenges you face and what you learned from each. When you look back and re-read your trials log you will see your own progression and growth. 
2. Ask Parents for help – To the Youth: No one loves you more or will sacrifice more to help you grow and be happy than your mom and dad. When you go to them with a concern they will not judge and punish, but will be loving and provide you with the necessary help and assistance. To the adults; same is true for you, so you too may ask your parents for help and assistance. Additionally, as we include our spouse, both the child and the spouse can learn and grow together. 
3. Recognize that others may at times choose unwisely. Parents, allow for your children to fail and learn and grow. This is a time to be tested, and the plan of salvation was necessitated because our Father in Heaven knew we would not be perfect and at times would fail. It is part of the plan. Perhaps, then we should not expect perfection from your children or from others. Accept that this life is one big trial and allow others’ rights to live life as they see fit. Not everyone is going to make good choices for themselves. Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught this principle in the last general conference that we cannot pray away others’ agency: “The scriptures tell us that when some of Heavenly Father’s spirit children chose not to follow His plan, the heavens wept. Some parents who have loved and taught their children also weep when their grown children choose not to follow the Lord’s plan. What can parents do? We cannot pray away another’s agency. … We can pray for guidance about when to speak, what to say, and yes, on some occasions, when to be still. Remember, our children and family members already chose to follow the Savior in their premortal realm. Sometimes it is only by their own life’s experiences that those sacred feelings are awakened again. Ultimately, the choice to love and follow the Lord has to be their own.“ 
4. Believe the Words of God as found in the scriptures. Believe that our trials are short-lived and have a promise of exaltation. D&C 121:7-8 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Believe that Satan is powerful and will be successful at times. D&C 52:14-15 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth deceiviing the nations—Wherefore he that prayeth, whose spirit is contrite, the same is accepted of me if he obey mine ordinances. Believe that we can work at our own pace. D&C 10:4 Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end. Believe that we can have clear answers to all prayers that affect our eternal standing. D&C 9:7-9 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. Believe in your inspired thoughts. D&C 11:13 Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; Believe that obedience to the commandments is key. D&C 11:20 Behold, this is your work, to keep my commandments, yea, with all your might, mind and strength. Believe that Heavenly Father will give us tools to successfully overcome all trials. D&C 4:7 Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Amen D&C 6:5 Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive; if you will knock it shall be opened unto you. 
5. You can believe that all your challenges are for your good and are in fact part of your development plan. D&C 58:3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. 

We are in the middle of a hard test. 

To Conclude It is true that this life does not seem fair at times; it is a difficult trial. The hard part may be remembering the big picture when we are in the middle of a hard test, having multiple trials. For me this is when I turn to the “Contract of Life” binder to remind me. In the end, all will have been dealt with fairly, and all have a chance to gain exaltation. Christ was and is the savior of the world. Through Him I, my family, and all mankind has a fair chance at life evermore. Of this I so testify…

PLAN B- One Sister's Story of Trial Survival Through Testimony

HOW MY TESTIMONY HELPED ME THROUGH MY TRIALS

By Krysti Wilson, Alpine, Utah

While in exile on the island of Patmos off the coast of present-day Turkey, the Apostle John received a visit from Christ, the risen Lord. In his vision, John was shown the trials the saints in his day were facing and the trials that Latter-day Saints today, would face.. John also saw in his vision those who would remain faithful through their tribulations to the end. Of these he said, “And they overcame him [the devil and his temptations] by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony” John learned that reliance on a personal testimony of the Savior and His gospel is essential in order to remain faithful during times of testing and crisis.

I don’t remember not having a testimony of the Savior of Jesus Christ and His plan of Happiness, and I have tried all my life to build and strengthen it.  Today I want to share how my testimony has helped me through my trials. I have just chosen 4 out of countless examples but everybody has a story, and I challenge you to look at your life and see where your testimony has given you strength to move on.

During trials, much like you, I used my Testimony of Prayer.   I pretty much prayed daily for one of my very difficult sons since he was about 3. By the time he was in 8th grade he was failing school and so depressed he refused to go to school, I was desperate for answers and really felt like I needed a lightning bolt and writing on the wall.  The answers did finally come, not all at once though, just a little at a time.  A friend called out of blue and recommend a good doctor, I walked into the library and right front & center were books about ADHD, the condition I knew nothing about but was exactly what I needed, a counselor at school was chosen and happened to have children of her own who struggled with ADHD and the answers kept coming..   Each bit of inspiration built upon the last.  Richard G Scott said “the support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time.  While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty will continue.  If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow.”

A second example is when during a particular time when our family was struggling. I used my testimony of fasting.   I received a direct answer to withdraw from some volunteer work and spend more time with my husband- which is not what I thought would be the answer.  In addition I also felt like I had an added measure of the spirit which brought more peace to our home.

Another example occurred during a period of my life that seemed so without hope. It felt so pointless to drag myself to church, couldn’t see any divine intervention in my trials and didn’t at all feel like I could deal with all those friendly faces at church.  But because I had made a commitment in life to attend my meetings, no matter what, and because I believe in my testimony of the principle of “being there” I went.  Sometimes it was just a test of endurance, other times the spirit reached into my numb heart, many times I felt the love others had for me especially when a sister sat next to me, put her arm around me and said, “I don’t know what it is like to be dealing with divorce, but I know it must be so difficult.  You are an amazing woman to me and I love you.”  In the end, I felt stronger simply because I was where I was supposed to be.

My last example occurred when I wanted access to the power that comes from attending the temple & all of the other promises that you can find in D&C 109, I would, just before I left for the temple, pray and ponder some of the struggles I was having so I could attend with a specific purpose.  I remember pleading with the Lord to help me with a particular child and I received a distinct answer to “simply just love him”. Once when I was so tearful at the temple, a matron asked me if I was ok, I said yes, but I wasn’t.  My husband had just left me and my 6 kids for good and I could in no way make sense of how those temple covenants would apply to me now. And I didn’t get answers that day, but because I persisted in my attendance, I understood through personal revelation, that those temple promises depended on me keeping my temple covenants and would not be taken away because my husband chose not to keep his.

It was my testimony of prayer, fasting, of “being there”, and of temple attendance coupled with my testimonies of fulfilling my callings, reading my scriptures, asking for Priesthood blessings, obeying the counsel of prophets and trying to be obedient, that allowed the Lord to guide me.  I didn’t do all of those perfectly, and still don’t, but the Lord knew the desires of my heart and blessed me.

I like how Elder David E Sorensen states it, “Remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.”

What I learned from my trials

1.    We have a choice.  From the point in the Book of Mormon where Moroni first raised his Title of Liberty, It had been 16 difficult years of war. And when the Nephites had won we are told in Alma that “because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and Laminates, many had become hardened and many were softened because of their afflictions, and did humble themselves before God,” I have marked Alma 62:41 in my scriptures with a big question “what will I do with adversity?”.  We have a choice, we can allow our trials to harden our hearts OR lead us closer to the Lord.

2.    Accept Plan B & C and D & whatever other plan the Lord has AND believe that it is tailored for me.  How many times have we felt immobilized because what we had in mind for ourselves, Plan A just isn’t available anymore? I have always told my kids “When an important door in your life is closed, if you have faith, the Lord open other compensating doors. I am a perfect example:  My plan A ended with divorce, Ross’s Plan A ended with his wife dying of cancer. So we are sharing Plan B, which the Lord had put in place long before our Plan A’s imploded.    Don’t let yourself become immobilized…in the preexistence we knew how difficult this life would be, that we would be hurt by others, that we would feel pain, disappoint, grief. And yet we chose to come to earth. Why?  Because we trusted him.  We trusted him then and we must trust him now.

3.    I have learned that trials & tribulations are Specific for each of us.  If you think about it, how many of your trials are focused on areas of your life and parts of our soul that you seem least able to cope with.  Paul V Johnson of the seventy states: “Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.  And no one is exempt.” 

4.    And I have also learned that trials and tribulations are the beginning of what I call, “the Make me Better cycle” In Corinthians, Paul tells us that when confronted with tribulation and trials, we have to rely upon our faith to keep us on the path facing the right direction.  We can then pray for help, we wait and wait learning patience.. When we finally get an answer and know what the Lord’s plan is for us, we are thankful for that spiritual knowledge and say, Oh, I get it now! And we feel strengthened and supported from there we can move forward with understanding, confidence and hope. ….Until we have another trial regarding a different gospel principle and we start the Make Me Better Cycle all over again and again, not as a list of what we have DONE but what we have BECOME.  Our daughter Carley, who is on a mission in Oklahoma said this:

      “Sometimes I think back to my life before the mission and who I was. It can be easy to miss that life because life was easy then. But I don’t want to shy away from adversity or suffering or sacrifice or serving because it brings change- and that change will bring me more in line with the Savior. I thought I used to know who I was and who I wanted to be. But that understanding has deepened beyond anything I can even describe. and I cannot wait to see how this understanding deepens even more as I go through life.

What I learned about ME through some of my trials….

I have learned that I actually have the strength to move forward, when everything seems impossible, , when the plan for me doesn’t make any sense.  I am sure if you think through some of your difficult trials you will be able to see that about yourself.  There are times we, as Pres Uchdorf says, "have to step in to the darkness in faith, confident that god will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do.”  I can remember when I had to do that and I plan to do it again.

I learned that I need strength beyond my own.  In psalms we are promised, “The salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is our strength in the time of trouble”   So I learned to call on that strength.  So often I had approached a problem laterally.  I was here and the problem over here, I thought that if I could summon enough power, the problem could be solved thru my own efforts.  Now I know, it is me here, with insufficient and weak power, binding myself to God, top and center, so I can draw upon His power, which power is then applied to my problem, over here.   

I have learned Patience, I now am much more willing to be patient and have faith that God knows what he was doing, even though his answer to me might be wait and wait and wait some more. Dale Sturm from BYUI said “What God is doing in you while you wait may be more important than what you are waiting for.”  Sometimes what we are waiting for isn’t at all what God has planned for us.  We have to allow God to give us what we need, not what we want.

I also learned that absolutely the only thing that matters is my love for God and our Savior Jesus Christ. Everything else extends from that love.  “The test a loving God has set before us it not to see if we can endure difficulty.  It is to see if we can endure it well.  Elder Eyring continues “We pass the test by showing that we remember Him and the commandments He gave us. And to endure well is keep those commandments whatever the opposition, whatever the temptation and whatever the tumult around us.”  I know that if I love the Savior, I will be able to do that.

It is impossible for us to work out our salvation and to become like God without trials or without sacrifices. He will try us until he knows what he can do with us. But I know also that we have loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ who want nothing more than to do all they can to help us return to them.  I know that they love me, they know me. I know that what Pres. Uchtdorf said is true: “that God is not waiting to love me until i have overcome my weaknesses and bad habits. He loves me today with a full understanding of my struggles. He is aware when I reach up to Him in prayer. He knows of the times I have held onto the fading light and believed—even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of my sufferings. He knows of my remorse for the times I have fallen short or failed. And still He loves me.”  I hope that you can feel His love.  I testify that that as we use our testimony of Him to navigate through our trials we can find the strength to overcome all that we are asked to endure.

13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY

Did you bring behaviors from your childhood into your adult relationship that may be driving your partner away? Are you dumbfounded as to why relationships are not lasting, and seem full of conflict? Does your partner seem distant, frustrated, or cries a lot? Are they spending more time with friends or family than you? Does it seem that they are not sharing their inner most thoughts with you anymore? Have they lost interest in having intimacy with you?

Often predatory types feel like they manipulated and "caught" their partner, tricking them into marrying them, and now their partner was "stuck" with them no matter what. They may have felt like a marriage license was an ownership certificate over their spouse. Modern relationships seem to be ending more often than ever in the history of the world. It is my opinion that this phenomenon is not because people are getting worse to live with, although many may feel this is the case. With laws being passed to make exiting a marriage easier, I believe fewer are putting up with bad behavior which we were forced to endure in the past. I believe our culture has placed more emphasis on fulfilling relationships than was expected in the past, for what ever reason.

We marry because we believe it will be a fulfilling, happy, romantic experience. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long before we realize that these expectations were too high, and "surviving" each other seemed to become more the norm. Unfortunately again, we are not always taught at home proper behaviors for marriage. We are naive in thinking that our spouse will take over spoiling us like our parents did, we will continue to be the center of their life, the most important person in the relationship. "After all, Mom thinks I'm perfect."

We all go through a learning curve as newlyweds. There are stages of marriage maturity. When both are trying to make it work, and are focussed on the happiness of the other, most often things can eventually grow into a comfortable, companionable relationship where trust exists, and mutual respect grows.

On occasion, one or both struggle with the change. We may prefer to have high expectations that may or may not be reasonable. We may like to believe that the only way things can be done are the way it was when WE were growing up, at OUR house, or how we have it envisioned in OUR head. Maybe we liked the idea of living together, but not of having to be responsible. That four-letter-word WORK. It's terrifying to a person who has not learned how to.

Luckily, for the most part, we can resolve problems and figure things out over time. Let's discuss those "on occasion" folks who get stuck in behaviors that, if they are not careful, will eventually drive their partner away.

13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY:

1. Expect them to drop all relationships other than yours. Whine, act jealous, and complain every time they do something with their friends or relatives. Criticize their friends and family, try to drive a wedge between them so you can have them all to yourself. Not that you are planning to let go of your relationships, just expect them to let go of theirs. 
2. Only tell them the truth when it serves you. Only tell them what you want them to hear. Keep them in the dark, exaggerate every situation, make up stories to explain away their concerns. Lose their trust in every aspect of your relationship. 
3. Put other things above your relationship. Put your relationship on your priority list below your interests in sports, work, other friends, your mother, and your fame. Make sure they feel less important to you than your mangy mutt dog. 
4. Treat them like you are their parent. Make all decisions without discussing it together. Tell them what they can or can't do. Make them feel like you are the only one who can, and is smart enough to make the decisions in the family. 
5. Break all of your promises. Don't be where you say you are going to be. Don't call when you promise to call. Don't be there for your kids events even when you pinky promised. Don't take her on that special vacation you promised after she put you through college. Use the words "I promise" only as a way to get what you want, without really planning to follow through. 
6. Speak negatively about them to others. Make sure that everywhere you go you convince everyone that your partner is flawed. Make them hate her/him. Draw sympathy from everyone as you paint yourself as a victim. 
7. Play games with them. Be passive aggressive with them. Manipulate them without their knowing. Do "crazy-making," "gas-lighting" techniques to keep them off balance. 
8. Ignore them when they are talking to you. Keep thinking about other things while they pour out their hearts to you. Act like their life and their day is not important. 
9. Make everything only about you. Be the center of the universe. Make sure that you and your partner are putting you first in every decision. Your happiness is all that matters. Theirs is inconsequential. 
10. Be unfaithful to them. The best way to make a partner lose their love for you is to betray them intimately. Let them believe their love is just not good enough. Make them believe their body is not enough. Let them know how little you regard them by getting sexual with someone else. Even if it's just pictures online. 
11. Always be negative with them. Never compliment their accomplishments, talents, or work. Only point out the things you can find that are not perfect. Or put a negative slant on everything. Be a "glass-half-empty" type of person. Drain all the sunshine out of everyone around you. Be critical and demanding. Find fault at every turn. Peck them to death. Push their buttons and keep them upset all the time. It makes you feel powerful.  
12. When doing something for them, do a poor job. Pretty soon they will stop asking you to help them if they believe you are completely incompetent. Never offer to help around the house, you wouldn't want them to have expectations of your contributing anything, ever, now would you? They should be able to do EVERYTHING by themselves. 
13. Sabotage their efforts. After all, if they are successful at something, they might look more important or talented than you. Or they might get a big head and think they can make it on their own without you. Make them feel frustrated any time they try to achieve. Soon they will learn their place as a nobody. 

If it is your goal to rid yourself of your relationship(s), and you are exhibiting these behaviors, you are on the right track. But, if you hope to keep your spouse/friends/family, your relationships could be in danger of terminating. If you are doing many or all of these, you probably don't deserve to be in a healthy relationship, unless you get help and change. You most likely will end up being single, time after time after time. You might consider raising skunks as a profession, or another isolating career, until you learn some people skills, and have a change of heart. 

Meanwhile, your struggling and confused spouse will read every book on marriage, go to relationship classes, google tips on healthy marriages. The truth is, there is nothing they can do to change you. And, there is NO behavior on their part that makes any difference. You will continue to be a jerk regardless of whether they submit and are passive, or aggressively try to bring your actions to your attention. Yet you will continue to blame them for every contentious moment, knowing full well you set them up, and pushed their buttons to get a reaction and enjoyed every minute of the power you exerted over them by making them react.

Why do people act like this? How do these behaviors become part of someone's personality? Many reasons. Maybe you were an only child, an eldest son, a first born....who was worshipped by your parents and spoiled. You grew up believing that this worship is what you deserved from everyone. Maybe you were abused as a child. Maybe you were neglected, your needs were not met as an infant/child, and you made up your mind to watch out for yourself...."dog eat dog" sort of thing.

Maybe you were over weight growing up, or short, or some other thing that drew negative attention at school. "I'll show them when I grow up." Whatever happened, however you got to this place, the decision to be mean and nasty was made by you. Which means you can "undecide" to be mean and nasty. Your partner cannot make this decision for you. Neither can a professional therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Nor your mother.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that because something like this happened to you, it's okay for you to behave badly. Many abuse or spoil victims have chosen to be nice people. No behavior towards you is an excuse to be a nasty person. 

To be blunt, these traits are those of a very selfish person. It's no surprise that the number one cause of divorce is selfishness which reveals itself through different faces. Addiction, infidelity, abuse, financial concealment, etc. It means that YOU need help. Not your spouse. They are the victims. No, they do not need to take "obedience lessons" in order to save your marriage. They do not need to be perfect. They do not need to walk on egg-shells when you are around. The only chance your marriage has is for YOU to change your behavior. Kick yourself in the butt and admit you are at fault. Do what it takes to get over yourself. It's time to GROW UP! 

Unfortunately, selfish people don't usually recognize that they are at fault, and therefore refuse to try to get help or change. It is possible, but they "gotta wanna." Unselfish people will read this list and not recognize themselves. "I know someone who needs this." They have to decide their relationship is worth saving, and be willing to do whatever it takes. That means putting their own needs and wants on the back burner, and putting their partner's first. Yes, making their partner happy before themselves. It has been done. And if you can't do it, no other relationship will survive you either. No person deserves this treatment, and eventually they will need to run or be destroyed by you as well.

And nothing I say here will convince a broken soul to change. But it may open the eyes of their victims, and give their frustrations validation. It may help them give themselves permission to find solutions to their situation of being in a toxic, dead-end relationship. Is there hope? Yes, a three percent chance of change. Can a victim change bad behaviors in a partner? You have a zero percent chance of successfully changing your partner. Like I said before, they have to change themselves.

So, a note to those who act according to this list. You may fool a lot of people, for a while. Eventually your number will come up, and you will find yourself completely alone in this world. You will run out of people to make feel bad about themselves, ruin their hopes, and continually make cry. If you take pleasure in these kinds of results, then you will have to face the consequences of where selfish people end up. Like Scrooge's vision of his own funeral where no one came to mourn his loss.

I know many such people who have been cut off from even their own children, and in their old age, no one will take care of them. They refuse to put up with their cloud of ugliness that a toxic person will bring to a home. So, decide if the fun you have in playing games with those in your social and intimate circle of relationships is worth the price in the end. Living your life, alone.

Or, with the help of the atonement, one can always ask for forgiveness, soften one's heart, and repent of these relationship repelling behaviors. Then, and only then, will it be possible to enjoy lasting, deep and rich relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to one's life. Believe it or not, it's even better and more satisfying than making people miserable. Really!

There is nothing better that a happy marriage, and nothing more miserable than an unhappy marriage. Which do you choose? Drive your partner away? Or make them want to stay? It's all up to you. 

By Lisa McDougle, CLC

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