SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 10

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part ten of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                                             PART TEN

                                   QUESTION 40

40. WHAT ADVISE WOULD YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE 

      JUST STARTING THE DIVORCE PROCESS?

• Number one answer:

"Pray often, stay close to the Lord, read scriptures, listen to Conference reports, go to the temple often." 

No one understands like your Savior, and can direct you better. 

                                               A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:

1. "Have a clear head, pray and be close to the spirit."
2. "Remember to keep your eye on Celestial glory and never waiver. Study and gain a better appreciation of the Atonement."
3. "Pray and rely on the Gospel."
4. "Pray about everything. Make sure it's what The Lord wants, not what you want. Stick with The Lord 100% of the way."
5. "Stay close to the Lord. Believe you are a child of God."
6. "Fast and pray."
7. "Be strong."
8. "Talk to God everyday and everynite and ask for his help to know what to do."
9. " Please turn your heart over to the Lord and He will heal it. He will lighten your burdens."
10. "Stay very close to scriptures and read spiritually led self-help books."
11. "Go to the temple a lot."
12. "Do not do it without knowing it is the path the Lord wants you to be on. I would love to tell them that divorce is hard, and it is, but for me this is so much easier and better than being married."
13. "Start everything and everyday with a prayer and keep the faith."
14. " Remember the Lord loves you!"
15. "Stay close to The Lord and pray often, ask for blessings as needed."
16. "Lots of prayer & temple going (if you can)."
17. "Be sure the Lord approve the decision then consult Him frequently."
18. "Stay close to gospel principles. Attend the temple."
19. "Pray, ask others to pray. Listen to the spirit and not the noise of other opinions in your head."
20. "Divorce will drive you away from or closer to the Lord. Choose to grow closer. Lean on Him. He is the gardener, and he has to prune us back to redirect our lives. The big picture won't make sense until further down the road, so for now, trust in His timeline, not yours."
21. "Stay true to Christ in obedience no matter what. Allow yourself to cry to Father in prayer and trust in Him... rely on the Atonement of Christ and his loving-kindness and strength to assist you through... read the Book of Mormon daily. Listen to General Conference. "
22. "Pray about it..if physical danger..get out sooner rather than later."
23. "Stay close to the Lord and believe in yourself."
24. "LISTEN TO YOUR BISHOP, RELIEF SOCIETY PRES, HOME AND VISITING TEACHERS."
25. "At first I was angry with God for letting me suffer so much during the divorce when I was the victim during the marriage, and the ex was the cheating abuser. Everyone took his side because I kept my mouth shut. No one would believe me when I tried to tell them anyway. In the end, the only one who was truly standing by me was my Savior. Church members may not be there for you during this trial, but God will be. Stay with HIM no matter what."

• Number two answer:

"Be sure you have done all you can to save the marriage first."

BE ABSOLUTELY SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

1. "Hope as long as you need to. When it's time to give up hope and move on, you'll know."
2. "Be absolutely sure you have done all you could to keep the marriage together. Did you go to counseling, by yourself to see if you were really causing alot of problems. Go to couples counseling."
3. "To think long and hard before you even decide to go there. Many, many times the things that keep us from loving someone else are really our own issues and not them. I realize this now. My hurt in my life when I was younger greatly affected how I saw my husband. Once my life was clear of that pain, I can see how I could have made different choices. So i would say - Be very, very sure this is what you want to do, because once you go there, you will forever put a rift in your relationship that is very, very hard to erase."
4. "Try to make it work if you can. Don't burn bridges. Try to be a parenting partner with your ex to your kids' best interest."
5. "Think carefully before you go down this road. If there's anything you can do to preserve your marriage, DO IT. Make certain that your decision to divorce has God's stamp of approval. If you've done all you can and have God's approval, you never have to look back and wonder about your role."
6. "Try doing that 'Love Dare' first (Fireproof movie). Make sure you have tried everything you can do to save your marriage. If there is abuse, however, then you should get out. "
7. "Do it prayerfully. Turn over EVERY stone to make it work first. Don't let pride get the best of you."
8. "Do everything you can to reconcile."
9. " I would say-- make sure that you have done everything you can to keep the marriage so that you can look back and say you did everything you could. This is one decision you don't want to regret for the rest of your life."
10. "Think hard. Sometimes the grass isn't greener."
11. "Go slowly. Sometimes it's with the divorce the spouse actually makes changes."
12. "Have a real good think at the reasons you want a divorce and is it worth all the heart ache."
13. "If it isn't an extreme problem... a husband sexually abusing them. a chronic cheater.... stay with him because what is out in the single ward is a MESS!"
14. "Make sure you cannot save the marriage. I am sad to see divorces over communication issues, boredom, etc. My husband was violent and unfaithful and didn't work. I finally felt I had no choice but to divorce in order to save my kids and myself."
15. "Make sure you can't just work it out. It is a lot of heart ache."
16. "Read the book Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner-Davis."
17. "DO everything in your power to make it work first. Then listen to your own inspiration. The Holy Ghost will help you know if it is the right thing for you."
18. "Work it out if you can. Even a "good" divorce is hard on your children. They will lose faith in their own eventual marriage."
19. "Make sure this is what you really want. Get help. Pray a lot!"
20. "Watch the movie "Fireproof". Make sure you have done everything you can possibly do before ending your marriage if there are children involved. Don't focus on fixing your spouse. Just focus on being the best spouse possible regardless of reciprocation. If kids are involved, never, never, never fight. Be kind, civil, be an "example of the believer."
21. "Make sure you have done absolutely everything you can do to salvage the marriage. Maybe modified some if there is an abusive situation."
22. "Try to avoid the divorce process my doing everything you can to work through the problems causing the demise of your marriage. Single is hard... remarriage is next to impossible..... it's harder alone."
23. "I tell them to not divorce if possible. I tell them to pray and God will help you. I tell them divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me but the worse thing for my children's testimonies."
24. "It's never better to stay together just for the kids. It's worth it in the end to make yourself healthy."
25. "Be prepared for lots of guilt trips, be absolutely sure you've done everything you could. Once you know that leaving the marriage is the right thing, don't delay. Just get out so you can start living again."
26. "Don't do it. I had no choice since he wanted it. Keep the kids out of it. It effects them in ways that shape their future relationships."
27. "Please do this only with tons of prayer. Being divorced is hard, make sure that it is the right choice."
28. "Divorce is a gift that keeps on giving. The band-aid keeps getting ripped off. It is hard to heal when injuries keep happening over and over. Try to work it out first."
29. "That if it is not infidelity, abuse, or addiction to do everything to work things out. To pray with all their hearts for God's will and then turn to Him for direction."
30. "Make sure it's the right thing for you...it is so hard...you need the Lord to be your partner more than you can even imagine..."
31. "If you can save your marriage- do it! Divorce is hard! If you have children then you will never escape the bad relationship that has been created by the divorce."
32. "Ten years earlier I had prayed and asked for permission to leave. The answer was "No, I am working with him, give Me more time." I made a deal to hold off until my youngest was 18, which was ten more years (of hell, I might add). Then God started opening my eyes to how bad my husband really was, and how much money he had been hiding from me. Had I got out when I did I would have been destitute, not having enough money or health to survive. When I did leave I had God's blessing, and He guided me every step of the way. Do not leave until you get the OK from your Heavenly Father. You will not survive divorce without HIS help." 

• Number three answer:

"Make sure you have a good support system with friends/family who will be available to listen and assist however needed."

A listening ear is absolutely necessary during a divorce. 

1. "Make sure you have a good support system." 
2. "Actively seek out any help you feel you need."
3. "Try to get support/help because it is so hard being a single mom."
4. "Don't be afraid to talk."
5. "Have someone a (good friend)to help give moral support and be a voice of reason when things just seem to crazy."
6. "Build up a good support system. I didn't, and it was a lonely and difficult road."
7. "Find a friend that will not care that you tell the same story over and over over and over."
8. "Don't sit at home, talk to people, get things out and off your mind and chest that are bothering you, we need that support network around us."
9. "Get a good social support system underneath you if you can...you are going to need it! Just having someone to talk to is so important. Having friends you can trust and do things with so that you don't feel so alone is equally important."
10. "Be wise. Talk to someone. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need."
11. "Make sure you have friends and family to help you through it.."
12. "Find a good support system."
13. "Don't tell everyone, but don't be ashamed to tell those closest to you either."
14. "Make sure you have support, find friends that understand what you are going through."
15. "Find someone to talk to who can help you navigate the challenges of going through a divorce."
16. "Work closely w/your bishop & surround yourself w/good people you trust."
17. "Seek good and wholesome support system/people around you to help you stay focused on the good and right and important things in life and let go of the "stuff"..."
18. "Lean on and trust in the Lord."
19. "Let your friends, family, ward, help, you don't have to go through it alone."
20. "Stay strong, turn to your friends, get support from your ward leaders."
21. " Find a good trusted friend, that will listen and give solid advice."
22. "BUILD A SUPPORT TEAM IN ADVANCE WHO KNOW YOUR PLAN."
23. "Build a team of those you can trust, know his problems are not your fault."
24. "Before announcing your intentions to your spouse, get together with those in your life that you think you can trust to stand by you. Tell them of your plans and ask for their support. Plan to meet weekly over lunch, movies, etc, as your support group. And don't be surprised if some cannot handle the pressure and bail on you. It is common. Cling to the ones that stay and plan a reward trip or outing when it is all over to thank them for their support."

• Number four answer:

"Get professional counseling/training/support group help for yourself and the children."

Professionals can help you navigate the stress of divorce,  as well as emotionally support the children. 

1. "Go to the Great Life Trainings."
2. "Get counseling, be prepared ahead of time."
3. "Get all your ducks in a row and prepare for the battle of your life."
4. " If you can, get yourself some counseling, and your children. Experts say that virtually all children blame themselves for divorce, and they do it in ways that don't make sense, like maybe- "if I'd just brushed my teeth like they said, this wouldn't be happening." Make sure your kids' needs are taken care of."
5. "Therapy!"
6. "Find a DivorceCare group."
7. "Get therapy for you & your children."
8. "Be patient, get into some therapy, don't let your emotions control you."
9. "Get into therapy, keep a journal to vent their feelings, don't make any decisions that aren't imperative for survival."
10. "Take advantage of therapy."
11. "Seek professional counseling to help get through."
12. "Find a trustworthy counselor."
13. "The counselor that my children went to made all the difference in the world for them. They are in a good place even though their father was manipulating them during the divorce. It is a hard thing for kids to go through, if not the hardest.......the church is not set up to give that kind of support to the children.....they need to have a place to go that is neutral while their parents are at war with each other and they are hearing crazy things that they don't know what to do with. They tend to blame themselves for the divorce otherwise. It's a must."
14. "Going to a counselor did not resolve my problems, but I got a lot of validation when I was having to stand alone and fight for what was best for me and the children. It felt good to have a cheerleader, even if she was being paid to do it. Most of my friends jumped ship on me, I learned who my true friends were. My counselor gave me peace of mind that I wasn't crazy. She was also the first one to diagnose my husband as a narcissistic sociopath."

• Number five answer: 

"Make sure you have the best lawyer possible to represent both your needs and that of the children." 

A GREAT ATTORNEY IS A MUST, YOUR WHOLE FUTURE DEPENDS ON IT

1. "Look at options and get a good lawyer with your best interest and your children's best interest as the focus."
2. "Fight and have a good attorney."
3. "Don't run and hide. If you need a divorce make sure you know and get the legal action taken care of."
4. "Get the best attorney you can even if it puts you in debt."
5. "Make sure you get a good lawyer, one who will fight for you."
6. "If you have children, get a lawyer to help you work through the legal paperwork."
7. "Get an aggressive attorney. Mine was a nice guy, but didn't fight for me or my kids. He was a peacemaker, but it means that my kids are still abused by their dad, and no one cares about it."
8. "Get a good attorney."
9. "Get a good solicitor."
10. "Get a good lawyer. Write out what it is you want legally before you talk to your lawyer. Communicate in writing with your soon to be ex. Records are very important. If you can't talk kindly without arguing, e-mail each other. Just remember that he may turn the emails into the judge, write like you are writing for the judges eyes." 
11. "Get a really good lawyer."
12. "Hire a good attorney that can handle the appropriate arrangements."
13. "I went through quite a few attorneys before I found one that worked hard for me. Do your homework. Ask friends that you know who have been divorced who the best attorneys are. You will need a 'bull-dog" or you will lose everything. This is only the most important trial of your life. Your whole future depends upon the outcome. And don't expect him/her to be 'Perry Mason' equipped with private detectives who do all the work for you. You will have to prove everything yourself, come up with all the evidence in your case. You will have to push the case along. Do mediation if possible." 

• Number six answer:

"Stay active in church, no matter what."

Don't miss a day of church, even if you have to move to a new ward to find acceptance. 

1.  "Stay active in the church and close to your Heavenly Father. Just because your temple marriage is falling apart, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that the church or plan of salvation is a lie. Remember that everyone has their free agency and if your spouse uses their free agency to make poor choices, you may/will be affected, but Heavenly Father still loves you!"
2. " keep the church close (find a receiving ward)."
3. "Stay with the church."
4. "Go to church, even if you just sit in the foyer."
5. "Accept that it is a difficult time, even if you want the divorce. Stay active. Serve."
6. "Stay active and serve, attend appropriate anon group if that applies."
7. "To stay close to the Lord even when you don't feel like it. To keep going to church."
8. "Stay active."
9. "Stay close to the the Lord and active in Church."
10. "Ward members will not understand, just plan on it. But it does not change the fact that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. If it is too uncomfortable to attend church in your own ward because of gossip, etc, visit other wards. The best thing to do is to move altogether, if possible. But don't make your life worse by cutting yourself off from the church and it's spiritual nourishment. Do not put an end to your own personal and eternal salvation because of a few ignorant ward members." 

TAKE EXTRA CARE TO MEET YOUR PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, & SPIRITUAL
NEEDS WHILE UNDER EXTREME STRESS

• Number seven answer:

"Take good care of yourself."

1. "First and foremost, take care of yourself. No one else will!"
2. "If you need a break, don't feel guilty- have someone you trust take the kids while you take the time you need to sort things out or get away. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow will be better."
3. "Give yourself time, look for the good and beautiful in your life. Ask the Lord to help you let it go - don't hang on to bitterness and hurt. Be patient with the process."
4. "Be patient with yourself and accept help."
5. "Take time for yourself. Cry. Scream. Pray. Talk. Read and research."
6. "Stay true to yourself and God."
7. "Take it minute by minute. Focus on takin care of yourself and let someone else help your family for several weeks."
8. "Keep the daily routine as life goes on... appreciate the little beauties of nature, keep things simple, simplify your life, cut out extra activities that add to the unnecessary stress for all..."
9. "Find some things to enjoy doing in the process so that life isn't so oppressive."
10. "Learn to love yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve but do something possitive daily. Take time to be outside. It has a cleansing effect. Take pictures of you and your children having fun. They need visuals of the "New Unit" in your home having fun are vital for all involved. Take down old family pictures of a unit they can not have. Have the ex picture small in the childrens bedroom but not the main livingroom or in photo album accessable to the children. Have children take showers after they return from a custody visit and change clothes it helps them re-program back to your house rules faster without the days of bad behavior or have custody drop off and pick up at the school for a buffer of time so the child can be themselves."
11. "When under this kind of stress, it is even more important to take care of yourself physically. Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep (even if you need to get some sleep aids), eat right, exercise, and find some kind of outlet. I would take a drive once a week through the mountains and enjoy the beauty while listening to positive and relaxing music. Still fix yourself up in the morning, look your best, and set goals for your new life outside of 'prison.'" 

• Number eight answer:

"Curb negative remarks about your spouse, especially to your children." 

1. "It never ends and the children's father will always be their dad so be careful what you say in front of them."
2. "Don't talk negatively about your X; especially to or in front of the kids."
3. "Try to make it work if you can. Don't burn bridges. Try to be a parenting partner with your ex to your kids' best interest."
4. "Don't talk negatively about your former spouse."
5. "Make sure your kids know there not at fault. Stay as close of friends with their dad as you can, never fight or call them names in front of them. Do what is best for you and the children." 
6. "Don't blabber and bad-talk your spouse, esp. to the kids. Tell the kids that they know right from wrong and just because their parents are getting divorced doesn't mean they can act up and choose the wrong path."
7. "Take an inventory of the relationship, it's never just one sided - there's always some things that each of us did that contributed to the failure of the marriage. But don't take all the blame either. If you have kids, keep their lives and schedules as normal as possible - DON'T PUT DOWN THEIR OTHER PARENT IN FRONT OF THEM, or drag them into adult situations. It will come back to bite you one day. If the other parent is less than steller that will manifest itself, they don't need your help, take the higher road."
8. "The true character of your spouse will reveal itself if it hasn't already. It just makes you look bad to trash talk their father. Someday, when they are older and more mature, they may ask you for the truth. But when you are in the middle of it, they won't believe you anyway."

• Number nine answer:

"Plan out the divorce in advance of filing, be prepared."

1. "Get legal advise. Get a job before you even tell your spouse you are thinking of divorce. If school is needed, go to school. See if your Bishop is supportive."
2. "Plan it out. Look at options. Learn your rights."
3. "Get counseling, be prepared ahead of time."
4. "Get ur finances in order."
5. "Start planning before you take action, & make sure you put aside funds to help you make the transition!"
6. "Prepare for it to be a tough road. Reach out to support groups who can get you in touch with legal advice, mental health support, safety advice if you need it - all before you start the process so you know how to put a plan in place and a back up. It will help you feel more in control of decisions and give you support that is much needed."
7. "Prepare! Financially, emotionally, legally, physically. Find a good lawyer and a therapist or friend you can trust. Don't count on your ex to have your best interest at heart, you have to look after that yourself. "
8. "Research your rights."
9. "Know the plan before the paperwork. Have your life in order. Because you may not get what your asking. Don't let Lawyers talk you into things. You are paying them. You tell them what you want."
10. "Don't be afraid to explore options."
11. "GET YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE IN ORDER, PUT CREDIT CARDS UNDER YOUR NAME, AND TAKE YOUR NAME OFF OF HIS BEFORE HE SADDLES YOU WITH HIS DEBTS. BUILD YOUR OWN CREDIT SCORE. PUT ASIDE MONEY FOR A GOOD ATTORNEY. DON'T GIVE UP ON GETTING WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE, AND TAKE CARE OF KIDS, IF NEC."
12. "When you announce to your husband that you are divorcing him, make sure your attorney freezes all assets before he can abscond with anything. He will be more anxious to settle. Make sure that you have his child support automatically withdrawn from his account each month. He is not taxed on 'alimony' but you are. It also disappears when you remarry or co-habitate. In most states you are entitled to as many years as you were married. Call it monthly installments of your 'property settlement.' If he owns a business, you own half of it. Make sure you get paid what it's worth to buy you out. Cash in your life insurance policy before he does. Get everything that has your names on it jointly changed. Everything he does or does not do will affect your credit otherwise. Get a credit card in your name and use it to pay for everything, including your bills. Use the points earned for things like travel, even Christmas for your kids." 

• Number ten answer:

"Talk with those who have gone through divorce."

1.  "Talk with other people that have gone thru it."
2. "Talk to someone experienced who could give helpful advice on the process."
3. "Have someone look over the settlement options so there's an unemotional review to protect you."
4. "Find other divorcees to help."
5. "Confide in someone you can talk to about difficult feelings important to seek out someone who has gone through the process and has similar values."
6. "Sit down with a pad and paper and ask another couple who have been through divorce what was helpful to them and what to watch out for. Especially if it took place in the state that you live in now. They will know the laws there and what you will be dealing with legally. Take good notes and then refer to them often. When questions come up, don't be afraid to call and ask them more questions. The more information you have going into it, the better the outcome. Keep a notepad with you. You will get impressions along the way, don't hesitate to follow them. Allow the Holy Ghost to be your 'expert' above all others." 

IT FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD AT THE TIME, BUT IT DOES GET BETTER

• Number eleven answer:

"Know that it is a very painful experience, that it is disorienting, but that it will pass and eventually get better." 

1. "Just get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. Push through. It gets better."
2. "Get up each morning and deal with only what you have to deal with that day."
3. "Know that it's very disorienting and the "fog" will eventually pass."
4. "Stay strong, it gets better a little at a time."
5. "Hang in there, it does get better."
6. "Brace yourself for the pain. It is more painful than I have ever imagined!"
7. "When you know in your heart and feel in your soul it is right, then don't let what other people gossip about hurt you. They just don't know.....problem is they think they know. And it does get better."
8. "One day at a time."
9. "The one thing that helped me a lot was when friends and family who had been through it before told me that it would get better over time. Eventually it wouldn't hurt at all. I kept reminding myself of that all along. It definitely gets better, it  has been 2 years now. Every day is better than the last. Someday I will hardly think of it at all." 

Hold the husband to his responsibility in caring for the children.

• Number eleven answer:

"Protect yourself, do not 'give away the store' just to rush the divorce."

1.  "I would say don't forget about you- don't leave everything with your spouse just to get the divorce over with quickly. Make sure you have enough of your stuff for somewhat comfortable living."
2. "Don't be afraid to stand up for your best interests and those of your kids."
3. "Be careful financially because he will destroy you."
4. " Kids first."
5. "Don't back down, don't take no for an answer."
6. "MAKE HIM BE RESPONSIBLE, DON'T LET HIM OFF THE HOOK FOR HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO THE CHILDREN FINANCIALLY."
7. "Know the plan before the paperwork. Have your life in order. Because you may not get what your asking. Don't let Lawyers talk you into things. You are paying them. You tell them what you want."
8. "I would have put religious restrictions in the divorce decree ensuring the children's going to church, I would have put a contingency for their father to help the kids with college. He was a doctor so they didn't qualify for grants or loans."
9. "Often the husband will see your anxiety to get it over with and he will try to use that to his advantage and rush you into making decisions just to get it over with. Let him know that you have all the time in the world, will do what ever it takes to get certain things. Let him know what you want and that you will not budge no matter how long it takes. Then hang on. Make your demands higher as time goes on, not lower. Your goal is not to screw him over, but to do what is fair for you and your children. He will most probably not be thinking of that. Remember, the decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life. So be firm. Don't act afraid or ruffled. If needed, have a cheerleader in your life who will remind you to be tough." 

• Number twelve answer:

"Don't jump into another relationship before you have time to heal." 

Give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

1. "Do not seek another relationship until you have regained your own self-esteem."
2. "Wait a year in most cases before seriously dating again! In case if abuse, women need that time to heal and form positive relationships with their children and healthy relationships with those around you."
3. " Wait at least a year before getting into a steady relationship. You have to mourn your old relationship, not replace it, or it will come back to haunt you."
4. "To not date until you feel healed."
5. "Don't let people tell you when/if to date and what to do. Don't get involved in another relationship too soon."
6. "Stay away from the opposite sex even in well-meaning friendship/helping, don't date or seek a new relationship at all for a minimum or a year or so... to have time to reflect and heal and know yourself better.... "
7. "Right after a divorce I was a mess. I needed time to get reacquainted with myself. I had lost my identity as a mother and wife and needed to find myself before becoming involved with someone else. I did get involved in the Church Single's programs just to make some friends. It was the best thing to keep involved and active. I was finally called by my first name again. I tried dating but I wasn't ready yet. Just be patient and give yourself time." 
8. "Do NOT lean on any males during the divorce, you are at a very vulnerable point and it can only lead to trouble. Even if nothing happens, it can be made to look like trouble, and that the divorce is your fault because of it." 

• Other common "nuggets" of wisdom:

1. "Stay strong and don't hesitate to ask for help."
2. "Decide from the start to not be bitter. grieve as necessary and forgive and let go."
3. "My advice would be to talk about it sparingly. Venting is okay but again sparingly. Build your confidence and focus on raising happy and healthy children."
4. "Move to a new location!"
5. "Everyone will give you advice from every angle, solicited and especially unsolicited, and though they mean well, at some point you have to turn off the voices and decide what is best for you and your family."
6. "Don't expect any help from the church."
7. "It would get worse before it gets better. Feels like a failure, but it's a learning process. Accept it,learn from it and become stronger and wiser in the process. The Lord loves you, and He will be there every step of the way."
8. "Wait to date until AFTER THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!!!!! This will give you so much peace knowing that you did it The Lords way."
9. "Pray. Go to a professional, stay away from any church counseling...including bishopric counseling. Get outside of the typical Mormon ideas, because getting a divorce rips apart the idea that one can be a LDS woman in Zion. Keep your faith and testimony. Don't miss ONE Sunday. Keep paying your tithing."
10. "People will say stupid things but usually they think they are being kind. Don't take it personally. Remember that the one that you really can depend on is the Savior. He is the only one that really knows how to help you the best."
11. "Don't ever put your kids in the middle of it." 
12. "Find someone to advise you that is not emotionally involved in the divorce. Do not rush the divorce and give yourself time to think through the process. Decisions that are made emotionally are not always the best decisions for everyone."
13. "There is hope and it will get better. read, look for teachers in your life, go to Single Adult activities and stay strong in church. Recognize people are people and the church is true."
14. "Most importantly, don't use the children as tools to hurt your ex. Protect them from contention as much as possible."
15. "Just do it. Don't look back."
16. "Don't tell everything to everyone, especially when upset about something."
17. "That first meeting with the court sets rules that are difficult to undo...Try to know what you want or have someone experienced guide you. Do not play moody music or sad songs...Do not expect to pick up where you left off with another person...it is a whole new ballgame.."
18. "Don't assume that everyone is black and white in their marital assessments, just because there is abuse is not always an obvious reason to some. Don't be surprised when some friends bail out because they don't want to get involved or have to take sides."
19. "Good luck!"
20. "Be patient with yourself, you don't know how long or short the grieving/healing process will take. Do not demonize your ex to your children. Make sure you 'know' this is what you are supposed to do."
21. "Keep your dignity and don't make decisions based on emotions only."
22. "Don't expect it to be easy. Don't think that you suddenly become happy, or that you will be friends with your ex. It takes hard work."
23. "Do it with integrity and honor."
24. "PLEASE DO NOT THINK YOU ARE ALONE. KNOW THAT YOUR AGE IS IRRELEVANT TO THE PAIN. I MAY BE YOUNG BUT I KNOW YOUR PAIN. FIND THOSE WHO HAVE A WILLING SHOULDER READY TO HANDLE YOUR TEARS, HOME MADE ICE CREAM, AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. DO NOT ALLOW BITTERNESS TO OVERCOME YOU, LET THE LORD AND HIS ATONEMENT HELP YOU. SIMPLE JUST FOR THE ASKING. GO TO THE TEMPLE OFTEN, GET LOTS OF HUGS, REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU, AND THAT YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER."
25. "Be resonable and DON"T involve the children in any negative way. AND most important take responsibilty for what YOU did wrong in the marriage, even if it was marrying the wrong person and why you chose them."
26. "Get out into the world more."
27. "Don't fight or perpetuate the bickering but be as kind as possible - everyone in the family is hurting in a divorce. Learn better coping skills and improvements in behavior...make life decisions prayerfully and carefully, do not rush into anything without researching it out first....Try to keep balance in life as you move forward and not become self-absorbed through depression or anger or pain... but to eventually allow the Lord to teach you to forgive and love yourself and others more purely and safely... know your boundaries and live within them and help others know when you are nearing the boundary edge and stop and detach/withdraw from them at that time - never to allow yourself to go over that edge, if at all possible... Allow for some "down" days for the blahs and for recuperation too... this all is very stressful and takes its toll on our bodies and minds...Keep a sense of humor handy too. You're going to need it - along with the spiritual nourishment and inspiration too.."
28. "Do it! Just realize your mental and physical health are worth it. The hell with church stereotyping and shunning, you are worth it! Don't let your fear of what other people might think paralyze you from doing what you need to do, especially if you are in an abusive, cheating, addict relationship."
29. " It is only a big drama fest if you allow it to be. And that is never good."
30. "To not feel guilty about it. To allow themselves to feel how they are going to feel. And to give themselves time."
31. "Know that life can be good, new relationships can be built even with a divorce as part of your history."
32. "Do whatever is best for your own life, spirituality and health. Otherwise, there's nothing left of you to give to anyone else. Find a job if you do not have one, and do NOT start relying on the church to take care of you. Too many women think they can have the life they had as a stay-at-home mom. I was very lucky to have had a long career, and I also know what it is like to be a single mom with kids (from years ago). The way forward does not involve relying on church welfare. I see women who are several years into a divorce and can't get their acts together. We are fast developing an entire community of helpless, dependent people (men as well as women) if we do not require people to do all they can for themselves."
33. "Do it prayerfully. Keep focus on the relationships that matter (God first, family and trustworthy friends). The right priorities and examples to your kids in the process will make a difference. Pray for the power to forgive... It's very liberating. All involved are children of God... Very loved no matter what their role in the pain is. Lean on Him and other things will work out the way they should. My divorce was a blessing and opened my life up for blessings I never imagined. If you gave it your best, hold your head up and move forward with the knowledge that divorce is not the end. You are as worthwhile now as you were before."
34. "Serve others....stay busy....seek counseling....listen to the lord. exercise or find some physical outlet....this helped me a ton and i need to go back to it."
35. "Get it over with as soon as possible. Don't worry about stuff. Your kids are the most important thing in the whole picture. Don't let him move back in with you unless he keeps his promises 100% for at least one year consistently. Don't let him guilt trip you about anything! Listen to your heart! You know what is true and what is a lie! You know what you need! Make sure you get what you need! Remember that you are loved and no one can take that away from you no matter what they say! Don't listen to negative people. Surround yourself with beautiful and uplifting things! You are worth it! Stop eating junk food. Start to work out. Hug your kids more and look for ways that you are blessed. Only say nice things about people, even though it is sometimes hard. Laugh and have fun. Take lots of pictures of your kids so that you have good memories of this time with them, and you will not have to erase all memories of this time from your life. Be kind to yourself. Remember that you are doing the best that you can with what you've got, and that is all you need to do. Smile! :)."
36. "First be strong and have faith! BE POSITIVE! Hang in there and don't give up...pray and read scriptures daily. Mingle with other members in the church that are single and actively participate in the programs :)."
37. "Go to counselling. I discovered a year and a half into my new marriage that I have PTSD. Knowing that sooner would have saved me from so much more heartache and pain. Luckly I married a good enough man to stand by me and support me. Don't jump into anything because of Loneliness. You will only get hurt more in the process. Know what youre looking for. Have fun, make new friends, and once you feel secure in who you are look for someone that is just as up-beat and postive as you."
38. "BE AWARE OF FALSE FRIENDS WHO GET INFO FOR GOSSIP."
39. "My friends fell into 3 groups, those who supported me no matter what, those who went into hiding until it was over, and those who turned on me and contributed to the character assassination, which naturally comes with divorce. It was a very painful experience, but, I have replaced many lost friends with new ones, and am grateful to know that the ones I have now will have my back when needed in the future."
40. "My daughter's mother-in-law gave her some good advice when she said 'never judge people by their behavior while going through a divorce. It brings out the ugliest side of everyone. They will all get back to normal when it's over.'" 

Divorce can bring out the ugliest in anyone.