SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 9

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part nine of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                                    QUESTION 39

A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

39. WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE IN YOUR EVERY DAY LIVING FOR SURVIVING            

      THE DIVORCE, AND FOR STARTING A NEW LIFE? 

•  "I VISITED THE TEMPLE OFTEN"

1. "temple, prayer, reading, exercising, going to college and gaining self esteem."
2. "going to the temple and staying active with friends."
3. "Going to the temple a lot!! Reading scriptures and praying. Exercise. Talking to friends."
4. "Prayer, scriptures, staying active, and special focus on attending the Temple - Depended on strength and blessings for my children."
5. "Frequent trips to the temple were essential for my spiritual and emotional well being. I developed a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. His spirit has guided my every foot step before, during and after the divorce."
6. "Tried to stay close to the Lord, stayed active in church, went to the temple."
7. "The temple, prayer, scriptures, reading books about surviving after divorce."
8. "The 'Single's scene is a tough one, I made it a goal to stay temple worthy, and visited the temple more often then before. It was the only place where I could find peace and added strength."
9. "Lots of prayer, going to the Temple weekly as much as possible,"
10. "I doubled my temple attendance during the divorce and after. I needed it so much. It really did help."

COUNSELING DURING DIVORCE CAN BE VERY BENEFICIAL

• "I SOUGHT COUNSELING AND/OR THERAPY."

1. "Went to the Great Life Trainings."
2. "Therapy and support of friends outside the church."
3. "Therapy, 12 Steps, and staying active in Church."
4. "Both therapy/counseling,"
5. "Counseling, self-improvement, prayer, support of family and friends."
6. "Therapy."
7. ""Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."
8. "I went in active and sought escape, finally went through therapy and came back to church."
9. "Counseling, alternative therapy, massage."
10. "Therapy, exercise, love from my kids, and support from family and friends."
11. "Counseling, life coaching, friends."
12. "I went to counseling for a short time, and read lots of 'self-help' books."
13. "I sought professional counseling to help with my sons anger toward me. We did individual and family counseling for he and I."
14. "I attended a support group. Worked with some natural alternative healing to improve my health and manage my stress. I continued to see a counselor. I went to the temple frequently. I went to lunch with friends. And I determined not to date until I felt centered, calm and ready."
15. "I am worried that I will never recover financially from this divorce. I was a stay at home mom & have found it really hard to reenter into the work force. I have been unemployed 3 times in the last 6 years. I am currently seeking counseling to help me deal with the anger that keeps recurring. It is helping and I am making progress in moving forward. I still anger at his lies to my children and their buying into it. I have been on anti-depressants a couple of times in the last 6 years to help me get through the toughest times."
16. "Kept working. Private therapist made a huge difference in how I viewed the betrayal, and my ability to move forward in my life."
17. "It was helpful to go to counseling and to have an unbiased listener who had had previous experience with personality disorders. It was very validating to hear that I wasn't wrong in getting out, for a change. He fooled everyone else, so I felt very alone in my efforts to escape." 
18. "My family, consisting mostly of brothers, did not have the patience to listen to me, so it was nice to be able to talk to someone. We females process through talking. We work things out in our heads and try to make sense of it all, but few want to listen. Divorce is a very toxic subject and it is too much for most people. My counselor was great if for that alone." 

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?

• "I CLUNG TO FRIENDS."

1. "Friends. Work."
2. "Talking about it, and exercise were the best stress reduction methods, and prayer."
3. "Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."
4. "talked to ask many people as I could, cried alot, went to counseling for what he put me through."
5. "Hooked up with others to keep from being pulled back to ex."
6. "Chocolate and friends."
7. " spending time with friends, forcing myself to spend time with people on really dark & depressing days,  talking."
8. "For me I needed to talk it out to my friends and family. Conversations were so necessary."
9. "I allowed myself to cry a lot to get it out. I talked to those who were supportive in order to sort out my feelings and to make a plan for my future."
10. "CLINGING TO CLOSE ASSOCIATES."
11. "I had only a few friends who were not fooled by him and who stood by me to the end. I moved and made a new set of friends who were also single. I loved being able to start over, but I admit, the pain from losing friends that I thought were my 'kindred spirits' for life, it hurt a lot. Friends can be such great supporters. I was always there for them, but where were they when I needed them? I guess it is better to know the true colors of the people in your life."  

WE LOSE FRIENDS, AND WE CAN MAKE NEW ONES

• "I GOT INVOLVED IN THE 'SINGLE'S PROGRAMS"

1. "Church and Institute. Sunday got me through to Tuesday and Tuesday got me through to Sunday."
2. "Started internet dating and going to singles conferences, dances."
3. "I found a 'Single's Ward' for the purpose of making new friends to replace the ones I lost. I loved feeling understood, like just being there I didn't have to explain. Automatic acceptance. I enjoyed making friends and being involved in the activities. The bishop was great. The 'Single's Ward' saved me."
4. "I attended a religion class for singles."
5. "I read many books about co-dependency. I became socially active in the Single Adult program. Counseled with the new bishop."
6. "I went out dancing with friends a lot."
7. "I had great married friends, but they could only understand so much, they were so very nice to me, and included me in fun. It got to be hard being the third or fifth or seventh wheel all of the time. I found some great single friends on a dating site, and they were extremely helpful. They made me feel like I wasn't alone and crazy."
8. "finding other strong women who have gone through similar situations."
9. "PRAYER. So much prayer, all the time. During the hard nights, I prayed for Him to wrap His arms around me and hold me tight. It was the only thing that would help me slip into sleep. That, and frequenting the message boards on LDSLinkup, to chat and banter with other users."
10. "A little therapy to find out why I married the man I did and what i could do different next time. Then, when I didn't have my kids, I went to church dances and firesides, both helpful and depressing :-)"
11. "KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, SINGLE'S WARD ACTIVITIES"
12. "I went to the Single's Ward looking for girl friends, which I found. To my utter astonishment, I found a wonderful husband as well!"  

• 
  

TAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY

• "GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING YOU ENJOY"

1. "I went fishing.... It was wonderful!."
2. "Dancing...doing things I enjoy." 
3. "I began walking and then started running to reduce stress. "
4. "Prayer, prescribed medication, got a pet- which was very therapeudic. They were always happy to see me and gave me unconditional love."
5. "Traveling."
6. "Sometimes go to the temple, movies, talking with friends and my sisters, reading uplifting books, inexpensive weekend trips to visit family or friends."
7. "listening to uplifting music."
8. "dropped everything that wasn't important.got active physically. Ran races."
9. "CLASSICAL MUSIC, WATCHING UPLIFTING MOVIES, EXERCISE."
10. "KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, HOBBIES, FAMILY."
11. "I had always wanted to write but never had the support or time. Now that I don't have someone telling me I can't, or I'm not good enough, I am taking time each day to write. I can't believe how therapeutic it is."
12. "I created a bucket list of things I want to do in this life. I have been traveling to places I have always wanted to go, I am getting back into the speaking circuit like I was before he put me in his prison, I am bike riding, I am spending time with friends and family again, I am having the time of my life. I still have a stressful life, but I am free from his prison! Yay!"
13. "Now that the kids have finally forgiven me for leaving their father, we go do lots of fun activities with their kids. I have since remarried and happily so, they are seeing me happy for the first time in their lives, and have finally adjusted to this new situation. We have grandma/grampa camps each week of the summer where we go to someplace fun together. I do dates with my grown kids one on one."
14. "Scrapbooking, journaling, gardening.......doing the things that I love."

GET YOURSELF INTO SHAPE

• "TAKE GOOD CARE OF/IMPROVE YOURSELF."

1. "Going to the gym relieves alot of stress."
2. "Being positive; reading uplifting books/articles; finding my self-worth, doing things for me."
3. "Nutritious supplements and diet to support the body in a stressful situation."
4. "Medication, and exercise."
5. "Reading, talking to my friend who is a member, and wonderful members of my branch."
6. "exercise, shopping."
7. "Mental toughness. Get up and do what you are required to do everyday and find moments each day that make you smile."
8. "Counseling, lots of prayer, the scriptures, the temple and loving my kids. I also didn't date anyone for a year after the divorce, the advice from my children's counselor. It was the best decision I made. It let the dust settle for my children and gave me the chance to learn who I was again."
9. "I tried primarily to stay positive. I actively sought new friends. I exercised and worked on myself. I spent time with my children, taking them on outing, teaching them and trying to create a nurturing environment I leaned heavily on my testimony. I also attended a one year program for victims of abuse."
10. "Prayer, Priesthood Blessings, Self Help Classes."
11. "continue with professional counseling and am finishing my degree. Focusing on building myself has been essential to healing."
12. "After many many years I got a degree for myself."
13. "Work hard and try not to dwell on it....went back to school studying marriage at the Y, trying to find where I went wrong."
14. "self-help reading, writing,"
15. "Work constantly the. I started to explore interests and started my advanced degree."
16. "Work projects, doing things I love."
17. "Anti-depressants to deal with the PTSD, therapy, and joining groups...birthday groups with work and church friends, trying to get out more, serving in the church."
18. "Took the Turning Point class on Personal & Career development and learned to write my accomplishments, what I was looking for in a spouce, learned to understand my personality and needs because with children we lose ourselves and do not pay attention to our needs. I learned to take time with my appearence for ME, like clear nail polish and brighter clothes or accessories. Feeling pretty was important when everything else was falling apart."
19. "I have had to find doctors who could reverse the damage stress has done to my body. I have stayed on strict regimen for getting my health back. Just having him gone I am feeling better every day. I am slowly making progress and see the light at the end of the tunnel." 
20. "I put myself on a schedule of working out, no matter how depressed I felt, got myself looking pretty good, bought some new outfits for the new me. I even bought new high heels now that I am not stuck with that insecure short man. Now I can be me without worrying about making him feel less about himself. It feels good to have me back."
21. "Eat right, get enough sleep (although I had to take some natural and sometimes prescription sleep aids), exercise, take time out for meditation, massage......take good care of yourself because you are the only one who can."
22. "Get a make-over, change out your wardrobe for a new look, get in the best shape of your life. Move if necessary, start over.......walk away from your past and don't look back." 

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR SUPPORT FROM YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY

• "KEEP YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY INVOLVED"

1. "threw myself into work."
2. "recognizing ex's agency to choose for himself, making a conscious decision to not be bitter, surrounded myself with supportive people both for me and for my children."
3. "Kept busy with friends, family, work, exercise, playing with my dog. And of course going to church, praying."
4. "I learned to reach out for help, rather than suffer in silence. I found a few family members/friends that were willing to help or just listen but I had to let them know what was really going on, rather than just putting on a happy face and say everything was fine."
5. "Asking for state help to supplement my own income, because we wouldn't be able to survive on our own."
6. ."I went back to school. I talked to professionals."
7. "Counseling, self-help books, family & friends."
8. "I find the phrase "surviving divorce" interesting. It sounds like cancer or something. It is not a term I would use. It makes it sound like a life sentence and something I have to endure. That is not what my life is like. If I thought of it that way, I would be ONLY surviving. The methods I use is realizing that my current life is what it is. I accept reality and enjoy every moment. I don't want to survive, I want to live. Don't you? I also help my kids do that. We live our life just as fully as we would as if I were married. If I need help doing that, I call in the reinforcements so I can make it work, otherwise we live."
9. "Surrounded myself with supportive people, went to counseling, went back to work, spent a great deal of time in prayer and fasting."
10. "Taking help when it came. That was sometimes the hardest thing to do as someone who is extremely self-reliant."
11. "I MOVED BACK HOME TO BE WITH PARENTS TO HEAL IN A HOME OF ULTIMATE LOVE, MY HOUSE OF HEALING. THEY ALSO HELPED ME GET BACK ON MY FEET FINANCIALLY FROM THE DIVORCE, AND WAS ABLE TO MOVE BACK INTO MY WARD THAT WATCHED ME GROW UP FROM CHILDHOOD. I NEVER SAT ALONE, FRIENDS WOULD PICK ME UP FOR ACTIVITIES, MY VISITING TEACHER ALWAYS MADE SURE I WAS STOCKED UP ON ICE CREAM, CLAIMING IT CURED EVERY AILMENT, BUT HER COMPANY WAS VERY VALUABLE."
12. "Turning to the Lord. I did go through a very angry period and I turned away from the Lord for a few months. I am not proud of that. I finally turned back to the Lord and sought my priesthood leader's help and support even when it was difficult for me to ask."
13. "ASKING FOR BLESSINGS EVERY, EVERY TIME I NEEDED ONE, ASKED FOR HELP FROM MEMBERS AND RECEIVED IT."
14. "I walked away from everything... I got a $2000 one time payment from family services, got me an apartment and a job I could walk to and take my kids I had no vehicle I saved up during the Summer and went to an auction and bought one for everything I had...my sisters Bishop help me get some food,beds and clothing...which I will forever be grateful for...."

KEEP YOUR FAITH STRONG, LEAN ON THE LORD FOR HIS TENDER MERCIES

• "LEAN ON THE LORD."

1. "Prayer, scriptures, support from family and friends."
2. "Tons of patience and prayer."
3. "Prayer, temple attendance, callings, scriptures."
4. "prayer and scriptures."
5. "Praying, counseling, clinging to the Gospel, church attendance."
6. "Blessings, prayer, counseling, talking to friends."
7. "Song learned in Lutheran church titled ' god will take care of you'"
8. "Prayer."
9. "I prayed all the time. I became so close to my Heavenly Father, and He helped me understand that the Atonement could lighten my burdens in this case. When I finally turned everything over to Him, I was able to breathe and laugh every day. I was blessed with a good job and was better off than I ever had been during marriage. I finally made a friend, and talking to her was invaluable. I also used very unhealthy methods that actually contributed to a horrible addiction that I am still actively fighting."
10. "I used the simplicity of the Gospel. I turned to the scriptures and prayer in my times of need."
11. "Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."
12. "Determination, scriptures, prayer, faith."
13. "Pray, positive thinking."
14. "Read BOM with sincere heart, seeking solace, comfort and understanding about the demise of my marriage."
15. "The Lord and Heavenly Father."
16. "Prayer and a ton of it. I felt like I walked my first year on my knees. I understand why people turn to drugs and such...it is a very painful experience."
17. "Teachings of the gospel, prayer reading the book of Mormon, tried to do more things with my family had to work more to support the family."
18. "Christ, faith, family support, my own strength and wisdom."
19. "Holding fast to the Church, continuing to be reliable, not talking to most people about what was going on. I am extremely resilient and just made myself keep going."
20. "Stayed active in church, kept busy with work."
21. "Prayer, therapy, reading, reflecting on Christ's suffering and his salvation."
22. "First meds, then the scriptures became my meds."
23. "PRAYER!"
24. "I did learn that my truest friend was my Savior. He didn't fix my marriage but He fixed me, every time I asked. He comforted me, and most of all through this trial and the healing power of the atonement, He molded me into a better person. He helped me to love and forgive those who had caused me pain. He took upon Himself my pain and freed me to forgive. He helped me to see that I can never fix others, but I can always change me. I listened to hymns, especially "How Firm a Foundation" ....when through fiery trials thy pathway should lie, my grace all sufficient shall be thy supply, the flames shall not hurt thee, I only design thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."
25. "Turning it over to the Lord and one day at a time."
26. "At first I turned to alcohol...then to my Savior and lots and lots of prayer and church support."
27. "My testimony of course. God showed me an open door and I took it."
28. "Prayer, faith, scripture study, positive outlook on the future. To be frank, I was SO happy to get out of the situation that I did everything in my power to be self-sufficient and happy."
29. "Just depended on prayer and the power of discernment. Kept our daily routine and schedules as normal as possible."
30. "Increase of spiritual activities."

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'NORMAL PEOPLE', EACH IS UNIQUE"
Jack Christensen

• "FORGIVE......HIM, FORGIVE YOURSELF."

1. "My method was knowing I REALLY did all I could to help my spouse. Over 20 years in counseling. Forgave him and put trust in him several time, because I believe in repentance and that people can change. I was supportive and did all I could to help him with his addiction and getting help. Faith in Jesus Christ and believing that He wouldn't want me living in the situaltion I was in."
2. "Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."
3. "The hardest thing I've ever done is to forgive him for his crimes against me. He still bothers me so I  have to remember to forgive him daily. Otherwise it festers inside of me and he is still in control. Then I focus on a dream I have for myself, and keep my mind riveted toward this end. He's ruined my past 32 years. I don't want my anger and hatred toward him to ruin my future as well." 
4. "Let it go. Don't dwell on the bad. Fill your mind with positive thinking and ideas and dreams. The healing will happen much faster if you don't stay in that ugly place. Forgive him, leave it to God."
5. "I was angry with myself for letting it go on for so long. I was angry with myself for hiding the truth so that I had no support. I was angry for marrying him in the first place and not seeing the signs. I did not always handle things perfectly during the divorce. I was so emotionally beat up that I could not give myself a break. I had to finally forgive myself and realize that I was continuing his abuse of myself. It is hard, but I have to get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts only about myself." 

FAMILY SHOULD BE YOUR GREATEST SUPPORT

• "DON'T BE AFRAID TO LEAN/FOCUS ON FAMILY."

1. "Tried to stay close to family."
2. "Friends and family got me through."
3. "Relied on the lord, my education , family, friends, ward and my children to get me through. Tried to keep busy with school so I could graduate. I appreciate my family covering for me so I could do this." 
4. "put everything into my daughter and provide for her myself." "Work, focusing on my kids, tried to be as strong as I could."
5. "Listened to music, read conference talks ... read scriptures with children morning and evening ... made fun family memories like "Harry Potter Parties" watching movies and drinking butter beer .... tried to make it as fun as possible for my children!"
6. "Any way I could. I stayed busy, always put my children's happiness first."
7. "I relied on my parents, cried to them, etc."
8. "I stayed very involved in Church, taking every opportunity to attend activities and for my son to be involved. I went to the Temple. I read lots of books. I made every aspect of my life about supporting my son and I financially and emotionally. I made sure everyday life had lots of routine so that my son knew he could count on me to take good care of him. I was always honest with him about what was going on as well. I tried my best for him to spend regular time with biological father as well."
9. "I also leaned heavily on my parents for emotional support."

SINGLE MOMS STRUGGLE WITH WORK AND RAISING FAMILIES

• OTHER:

1. "medication"
2. "Keeping things normal, but being flexible for change."
3. "There was no method. I simply took a day at a time out of necessity."
4. "meds and forcing self to go on each day."
5. "kept to myself."
6. "Nothing changed really. My ex spent the last three years of our marriage in his room. He didn't even come our for dinner. I was already use to doing everything on my own."
7. "I didn't I fell apart for a long time, felt like I had failed my children and myself. Am currently dealing with long term health issues that were made worse by my divorce."
8. "ya know, the divorce although I thought would.destroy me at the time was cake.compared to raising the kids alone, and trying to get over abuse."
9. "He still won't leave me alone, so I've learned to laugh at his ridiculous behavior instead of letting it get me angry or hurt."
10. "Instinct. Unadulterated pure survival instinct. I honestly have no idea how I survived at all."
11. "Taking care of my daughter, pouring myself into my yard, credit cards."
12. "A lot of crying."
13. "Simplistic living, church welfare and family and friends. I also walked every night! A lot cheaper than therapy."
14. "I wrote a list of the bad things he did because I am a tender heart.. when I get down on myself and start to weaken in my resolve, I read my negative list and remind myself of why I left him and why I am where I am now."
15. "Worked lots of OT, started playing lots of golf, painted and re-arranged rooms in my house..."
16. "Distraction... kept very busy!"
17. "Just struggled through. On welfare. Couldn't go back to work for a long time. My 8th child was 3 months old when he went to prison for 8 1/2 years."
18. "Right or wrong, I clung to this new man who is my husband now."
19. "Can only take one day at a time, journaling."
20. "I was very decisive when it was time to leave & file. I never looked back, after giving it my all. And I didn't separate only to get back together. I was very guarded with how much & when I told my kids the real reasons & about their dad. I found employment right away that empowered me."
21. "Just keep going. Just keep going."
22. "tried to maintain sanity."
23. "Did all I could to keep it from happening, the. One day at a time, step by step. Prayer."
24. "I went into a cave until it was over."

    

    MANY SINGLE WOMEN FINISH THEIR DEGREES

25. "Work, work, work (went back to finish my degree while working f/t at the university... kept the family going as normally as possible with their school, Church and routines... Went to LDS family services counseling for a while... tried to learn more deeply about being obedient to the Savior and His great love and Atonement, read the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, kept going to Church despite it all - as I felt the Savior would want me to - anyway! Kept on and kept trying to learn and heal and navigate through the difficulties. I tried to keep things civil but cool between my spouse after leaving that house and going through the divorce. Getting out of that house to my own place helped a great deal. I wish I could have kept better in touch with my older children as they chose not to move with me... just the younger two came. We moved 5 houses down the street so no bus routes had to change and they were neared their dad... I tried to be fair to him even if he was not to me... I felt I had to answer to a Higher Authority in the long run and do what was fair for the children and others too... He did not do the same in most cases, but on rare occasions made a few allowances. I kept in touch with my lawyer and she helped teach me my rights which helped me get through the confusion or the twists and turns in the family plan and divorce. And I prayed a lot!"
26. "Fight to stay alive.
27. "I moved."
28. "Prayer, church attendance, financial adjustments (I had to refinance my home, which I had owned for many years), counseling, asking for God's help in my efforts to forgive, support from friends. And I buried myself in graduate work (while working full-time) and got my MA. It was the only area in life where I felt that I would get back the good I put into it (meaning, do the work, do it well, and you get a good grade and graduate). I felt like everything else had let me down, including God."
29. "applied for government assistance."
30. "I kept a brave front, smiled, and didn't push people away."
31. "I moved closer to my family and took advantage of government program for job training."
32. "The support of family and friends and throwing myself into getting an education and taking care of my children whatever it took."
33. "prayer and lots of it...plunging myself into foreign surroundings....serving others....being in a natural disaster and putting others needs above myself was the best thing for me....being where no one knew me and truly starting over..."

STARTING A NEW LIFE CAN BE REWARDING IN THE END