LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 8

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part eight of the survey for LDS Divorced Men.

                                  PART 8

                         QUESTIONS 48-55

48. What methods did you use for starting over and recovery?

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "The Gospel of Jesus Christ"

"Prayer. The Atonement" "prayer's" "No starting over. Simply enduring in faithfulness (as planned before she demanded divorce)." "Im not "starting over" I am still going forward in faith that he will make it as it should be," "Prayer, much Faith, Fasting, reading in the Scriptures, and Conference Talks, other books from the Church.." "tried coming back to church." "The Bishop's 5." Daily prayer, Scripture study, Regular Church Attendance, Pay full Tithe and Fast Offering, Go to the Temple." "Prayer" "Still studying and praying." "Having more patience with myself, Keeping the faith" "/repentance process." "Prayer" "Still working on that. I did the LDS Church's 12 step program for addiction recovery (didn't have problems at the time, but wanted to build a bulwark against further temptation)." "I went to the bishop and expressed an interest in becoming active again. All the seminary/primary answers: read scriptures daily, pray daily, go to church, fast, pay tithing, attend the temple, read church magazines, do service, etc." "Prayer!" "prayer and encouraging kids to stay active," "self reliance, gospel teachings," "Forgive them & me," "I tried to do all God wanted or what I thought he wanted me to do, in the end it didn't really make a difference. I had to really just pull myself it by my boot straps and do the best I could." "Church and friends," "I wake up and when it gets really bad I must get some kind of spiritual support," "prayer," "Got sober Repentance," "Repentance prayer, scripture study lots of help from new stake pres, regaining my testimony. Forgiveness." "I was helped and expedited through the recovery (and, indeed, was prepared for it) by hands not belonging to this world." "gospel," "The main thing I did was cling to the gospel with all my might, which is hard when the ward family turns against you. No matter who is at fault, it's like walking around with a big letter 'D' on your forehead, which interprets as 'contagious predator'" 

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Church Single's Activities"

"Still feel a little stuck. recently started going to LDS Mid single activities," "I jumped in to the church mid singles program. And immediately found support and friendship" "I got in involved with the Mid Singles group. Don't feel so alone knowing there are others like me out there." "mid-singles groups," "Work hard and start attending singles activities and singles ward a year after the divorce was finalized." "singles group, " "Testimony, going to LDS singles events." "Going to single activities, and new friends," "Dating and dances and FHE w singles." "Singles functions." "The Single's programs in the church saved me. I did not feel wanted in my family ward. These new friends understood without explanation, and were a great support from then on." "I maintain faith that the Lord will help me find a suitable mate. My move back to Utah, at least in part, was because of the number of single LDS women my age in the area. While I'm disappointed with the 'singles scene' in Utah, I recognize it's much better than I would find elsewhere." "dating and socials." "I was not very successful at this. I did continue to work, barely. And I did continue to be active in Church, which was important and helpful." "dating, joined singles ward, made friends," "KEPT BUSY WITH SINGLE'S ACTIVITIES." "I don't know what I would have done without the Single's Ward and activities, maybe gone inactive? My family ward become too toxic toward me." "The Single's Programs were my salvation." 

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Attention to Self/Career Improvement"

"Forced myself to overcome shyness, and looked for ways to improve myself." "I went back to school to build a new career and future path," "Trying to find a new professional direction, so that I can be confident in my role as a man and ability to provide, so that a good woman will see I can provide," "my divorce coincided with the start of a new career in my chosen field - it was a time of tremendous rebirth for me - this combination of circumstances is very unusual and probably doesn't translate out to the typical divorce survivor," "Kept applying online for better jobs. And tell children no to extra spending but occasionally do something special like for birthdays." "not allowing her to walk all over me like she had all through our marriage." "Went back to school." "work hard," "Worked and ignored it." "Focus on work." "Got my finances in order and set personal goals," "tried to be financially successful to show that she made a mistake," "Listen to lots of motivational CD's. I found it difficult to receive counsel from people." "began to follow the educational journey I quit when I married her," "Reading books on forgiveness, improvement, divorce, personality types, communication." "Changed occupation, rebuilt my house, started back to college." "

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                             "Counseling and Education on coping" 

"I'm in many online groups and I have been able to get information and ideas for coping." "counseling...time .....thought....prayer" "Counseling with a professional counselor," "9 months of counseling and reading 42 books on the subject" "I did get some general counseling at LDS services. It was helpful." "Counseling." "Counseling, reading," "I went to see a counselor and really worked on some issues there were bothering me." "talked with a friend who is a psychologist and keeping busy," "See a professional counselor." "professional counseling, prayer and a lot of personal reflection," "Counseling," "I had no one to talk through this stuff with, so I paid a professional to listen to me. It helped just to talk. He had some good insights as well." "I set goals for myself, I don't want to make the same mistakes the second time around. I got lots of books on coping techniques, and took classes." 

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                "Dating"

"Internet dating." "Dating, activities, still recovering sometimes." "It's called dating..." "dated" "dating," "jumped right into another marriage," "Tried a bit of online dating," "dating," "dating and socials," "I waited almost two years after my 17 year temple marriage to start dating again." "STARTED DATING RIGHT OFF." "I started dating through the internet, LDS Facebook groups, and Single's activities and ward." "I am in an area where there are no Single's Wards for my age, so dating has been hard." "started dating after a while, though I'm very awkward at it at this age. I didn't like it as a teen and I don't like it now, being considered an introvert."  "Dated a ton!"  

SIXTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                             "Relationships-new/old/family/children/friends" 

"Family, friends," "Friends" "Did my best to be a good father." " talked to friend" "Active friends to just have fun." "I had to for my kids," "Just a case of moving on and getting out of the home socializing." "Stay active in social settings," "making new friends and making sure that I'm not staying alone." "socialize," "enjoyed my kids," "moved back home to be closer to family," "clinging to my kids," "Focus on the kids and work." "friends," "

SEVENTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "Hobbies/Exercise/Recreational Activities"

"exercise," "Hobby" "Just keeping myself preoccupied with activities." " exercise," "sports." "kept busy," "Working out, taking up new hobbies," "kept busy/service" "Kept myself busy doing other tasks," "I feel like I am in high school again, so I am doing what I did then, recreational activities with friends." "Daily exercise, trying to get into shape." "Got back into my music again." "Started to write like I've always wanted to do"  "joined a local sports team."

EIGHTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                 "Other" 

"Started standing up against ex's abuse and manipulation." "I moved 13 hours away" "Not sure, I am still a work in progress in this regard. At the moment, (1.5 years since divorce was finalized) I am beginning to feel the need to start over however I am paralyzed with fear which is something I am working to move past." "I also do not give my ex attention unless it is strictly dealing with the children."  "working hard to not be a rescuer to troubled women." "It's still too recent. Maybe you should ask me again in a few months." "Just keep on going." "I moved, bought my own home (first one). I haven't really used any methods or done anything to work through my feelings. My family/friends say "just get over it and move on" but they don't understand the hurt and resentment I felt and often still feel almost 3 years later (both toward myself and my ex)" "less trust of women" "Time," "Moved back to North Carolina," "A day at a time," "One day of survival at a time...never was able to sit in a state of depression. Too many were counting on me." "just moved on," "time will tell," "I withdrew from everyone because people aren't very trustworthy." "I took my time." "Declare bankruptcy," "Move on," "No god," "Just starting," "Rebuild." "GO ON WITH LIFE, DO THINGS I ALWAYS WANTED TO," "Drink and drugs." 

49. What advice would you give to someone facing divorce? 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:            "Make sure you have done everything you can to save the marriage first"

 Make sure you have done all that you can to make the marriage work." "Think and pray about it a LOT." "Do all they can to avoid it." "Do everything in your power to prevent it. Especially if children are involved." "Try work it out, if not put kids first" "Try to work it out....not once but 100 times try to work it out." "Exhaust every opportunity or possibility to reconcile the hurt. Go to couples therapy, even if it is only so that you both can learn what went wrong so you don't take it forward into your next relationship. Remember that even though you might hate each other right now, part of you will always love each other. Honor that, it is called humanity." " If possible, if not too late seek marriage counseling." "Make absolutely sure thats what they really want. Perhaps giving it more thought. Unless theres a lot of abuse and safety for the spouse and the children if applicable need to be some place safe. Depends on the situation." "If there is even a slightly possibility of not going through with divorce then turn around and work it out. If no other option is available then do what is takes to maintain peace for yourself and do what's best for the children." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Self awareness and preparedness" 

"Self analysis only goes so far. You cannot see what or how others see you. Ask." "Get to know more about you. You cannot force your comments and opinions on your spouse, they have their own Agency." "read divorce books, church website." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "Postpone getting involved"

"Don't get involved with anyone for a year or longer after the divorce is final," "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Mediation vs. Court"

"Try to resolve it on your own. Settle if at all possible (mine went to trial and financially wiped us both out). Do what is best for your family." "Be prepared. .document...be willing to compromise anything but the safety and needs of the children. .and try to resolve the division yourself without state interference." "get it done quick," "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Protect yourself"

"Do anything you can to not give any ammo to the other person to use against you." ""Get a good atty." "Be prepared. .document...be willing to compromise anything but the safety and needs of the children. .and try to resolve yourself without state interference." "You need to have good legal representation, so it will be a fair settlement," "Make sure your divorce decree is very detailed, that your children come first in the decree and you make it all 50/50 and no child support (basically as few expectations from the other spouse as possible)." "Plan future (budget, activities, career, education, etc.)," "Focus on yourself. Improve yourself. Focus on your kids." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                   "Build a Support Team"

"Find a couple good friends/family that you can call at the low points,"  " Get involved with the Mid-singles. Make friends who know what you're dealing with." "Maintain your friendships. Your friends will be your stability until you learn to fly on your own again." "surround yourself with good friends and family." "              

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:               "Cling to the Gospel" 

"prayer!!" "you need to have (hopefully), some support from the Church because it is so lacking, and if you can actually get support from the Church, you might get through this without crying for months at a time..." "Pray, Study talks about divorce from General Authorities especially Apostles but all of this is moot if spouse is not willing to try and work on marriage." "Be humble....submit your will to Heavenly Father's Will, love, mercy and grace as early and often as possible. Remain active in the Church. As my Bishop would always say "stay in the boat!" "Pray pray pray," "Pray, and hope it is enough." "To stay close to the church and not to be easily offended by those that have no idea what you are going through." "Be active every day with Personal Prayer and Scripture reading, it doesn't have to be elaborate a single verse a day is good enough and progress from there." "Use lots of prayer and always do what is truly best for the kids rather than what you want (don't let selfishness drive your actions)." "Be respectful and pray a lot," "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Hang in there, this too shall pass" 

"Take it a day at a time.Its not the end of the world. Life goes on," "Keep yourself busy in the service of others. Know that with time, and seeing God's hand in your dilemma, you'll get through this." "Take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day and to expect and embrace change." "Take life one day at a time." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "Get Counseling" 

"Get into counseling." "If it is too late, see personal counseling through the process." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                           "Other"          

"Read Abraham 4:11-12 and realize that Telestial "seeds" CAN ONLY bring forth Telestial "fruit". Try to understand that unfaithful women MUST be unfaithful, it's their eternal destiny." "If you're sure you want to do it don't hesitate to do so," "not sure i am the best person to give advice. it is a horrible thing to go through and the church structure/goals/curriculum are not conducive to anything but the perfect LDS marriage family unit. The people are good, and they try, but they don't really understand. Its even harder for the kids to fit in." "Try to remain friendly with the ex, it will make life easier." "

50. Did you and your spouse get counseling during your marriage?

1. Yes, a lot..........................................................................................20.33%

2. Yes, a little........................................................................................45.53%

3. Through church resources...................................................................30.08%

4. Through private means.......................................................................23.58%

5. No, didn't think of it.............................................................................6.50%

6. No, she wouldn't try it.........................................................................19.51%

7. No, we couldn't afford it.......................................................................4.88%

8. No, I resisted it...................................................................................4.88%

COMMENTS:  

1. "She told me that I needed marriage counseling but she didn't." "She wasn't interested." "I had good her about the spousal support groups at the VA hospital about my illness but she never had the time or enthusiasm."
2. "Don't know if she did. She moves out and that was that."
3. "Reconciliation was not a word in her vocabulary ever.. No matter how often I pleaded with her to consider, during the separation.."
4. "Nope. It happened too fast."
5. "Off and on through beginning, then more towards end. she never liked what they said and stopped going." "a little during the marriage before things went south." 
6. "I set us up some couples counseling but she wouldn'tI resisted it for a long time. About 9 months before she filed for divorce I started going to counseling in the hope she would join me for marriage counseling. Today, I feel I called her bluff. I think she wanted marriage counseling so I would get counseling since she felt like I was all the problem."
7. "We did have some counseling but it was unrelated to the divorce and happened years before. I asked her to come to counseling with me when the divorce was imminent and she refused."
8. "I begged for 12 years for counseling, but by the time she finally agreed, it was much too late."
9. "I don't felt she took it seriously after a couple specific incidents."
10. "She gave up because she said that I was unable to meet her needs."
11. "I should have listened more carefully to her hints and sought out counseling. I didn't think I needed it, but looking back, it may have helped."
12. "Yes, but she ended up sleeping with him. :( "
13. "I would have to drag her there every appointment she went to. I went on my own 8 times because she would refuse at the last minute."
14. "she did request it, but I preferred for her to tell me what whe wanted counselling about, and her response is that she needed more money..."
15. "It was biased and one-sided, gender specific."
16. "privately i never thought about it>"
17. "Saw no point in it. I am who I am and I just did not love her anymore, so what was the point?"
18."This helped me identify her personality disorder and for me to see what freight train was coming. Yet 4 bishops had been involved over span of early 20 years and all had been duped. Therapist pointed out the disorder within three sessions, but then, the gangrene had set in and marriage was not salvageable."
19. "Through our bishop, but not professional (LDS Social Services)"
20. "She would only go for short spurts and then give up when a challenge came up."
21. "Our personalities clashed-She tried too much to wear the pants in the family as many LDS women do-And that is not their place!"
22. "Didn't help her at all," "Didn't help her at all"
23. "Spouse agreed to counseling, but did so half-heartedly; she made very little effort in that respect."
24. "One counselor she didn't want to see again because he agreed with me about something. I also had individual counseling. Not sure what is meant by a little or a lot, but I think we had a fair amount of counseling."
25. "She went to probably about 13 different councilors during the marriage, mostly for depression related issues and I went as often as occasion would permit for support and sometimes participated."
26. "She did but only for her, not for the relationship."
27. "No!"

ONE OF THE TOUGHEST CROSS-ROADS IN OUR LIFE

51. Looking back, do you regret getting a divorce and wish you could have worked it out?

1. Yes, I wish we hadn't done it, we should have worked it out........................37.60%

2. No, it was absolutely necessary...............................................................62.40%