SERVING LDS SINGLE ADULTS: From the eyes of a Single's Ward Bishop, by Robert D. Gardner

Serving Single Adults

from the eyes of a Bishop of a Single Adult Ward

Robert D. Gardner, Irvine, CA, USA

Sep. 2013

Adult singles (over age 30) is the fastest growing demographic in the church. It also has among the lowest church activity rates. Church leaders and individuals often wonder what they can do to better serve them. I recently completed nearly 5 years of service as a bishop of a Single Adult ward. My experiences provided valuable insight into the needs and attitudes of single adults. I learned that Single Adult Wards can help many singles thrive despite being in a situation they usually did not choose and do not enjoy. However, there is also much that those in traditional “family” wards can do to better serve this important and valuable group. This article can help us better understand the singles — their low activity, their testimonies, their experiences in family wards — and provide suggestions on how to improve.

Although accurate statistics are hard to find, they show the difficulty single adults have staying active in the church. Single adults represent as many as 50% of adult members, while in parts of our area their church activity is as low as 10%. Two of the most difficult times for singles are when they turn age 31 and after divorce. These are times when they most need special support.

When I was first called to be bishop, I did not know the single adult ward existed, even though it met in the very building my family ward met in! The ward was struggling and membership was declining; at the time only 40 or 50 people attended Sacrament Meeting. I wondered if a ward so small should even exist, but the Spirit soon let me know otherwise. During my first weeks as Bishop, I spent time in quiet study, prayer, and contemplation to learn how best to serve. One message dominated my thoughts, “Grow the ward!” It was intense and urgent. One day as I drove home the feelings were more intense than ever. As I pulled into the driveway the thought came to me, “Call a Ward Mission Leader.” At that very moment, the pressure and urgency left. I sat there in my driveway stunned at the clarity of the message, but also baffled by it. How can you grow a ward quickly through missionary work? The ward had not had a convert baptism in many years and our prospects for the coming year were dismal. Nonetheless, I did as commanded and we were blessed.

The new Ward Mission Leader helped us focus on missionary work, which forced us to look outside ourselves and serve others. He taught that a major component of missionary work is reactivation, or what Pres. Monson has referred to as “the rescue.” Over time, our ward focused its missionary efforts on rescuing the many less active adult singles in our midst. The number of people our ward brought back into activity is uncountable, well over one hundred. At one point, half the men in the ward, including our entire priesthood leadership, were brethren who had recently reactivated.

How did we achieve this success? Many things contributed to this success, but the primary theme of them all is that the ward provided a place where singles could be among those in similar circumstances, find friendship and social involvement, and heal emotionally and spiritually. We were able to touch numerous people because our reach extended far beyond our official boundaries — many visitors attended each week, numerous activities provided places for people to gather and meet, large email and facebook groups announced events and activities. Twice a month the ward hosted meals, which brought in many visitors and provided anxiety-free social gathering. Home Evenings offered spiritual moments and fun activities. One favorite was a discussion of relationships, dating, and understanding the opposite sex.

The Purpose of a Single Adult Ward

Organizing and implementing all these activities is a large undertaking. The Ward Council debated whether this effort was worth it. Were we meeting the purpose of the ward and serving our members? Some felt the purpose of a singles ward is to encourage its members to marry, to provide opportunities for dating and finding a potential spouse. Others felt it should focus on spiritual learning and growth. As a new bishop, I needed to answer this question so we could focus our energies appropriately. I spent many hours discussing, studying, and praying about this.

Once while discussing the purpose of the ward, I asked our Relief Society President, who had never married, if we should have more talks about marriage in sacrament meeting. Her response was poignant. She had me imagine there was something I wanted more than anything else in the world, something eternal and beautiful, but I did not have and had not been able to obtain despite all my best efforts. Then imagine what it would be like to have my spiritual leaders speak about this thing continually, telling me how important and wonderful it is. It would be devastating. This taught me that if the ward were to be a dating service or social organization, it would not be serving its members’ true needs, which are to grow spiritually, heal emotionally, and develop friendships that they do not get from a spouse and family. They need a shoulder to cry on when times are tough, and someone to rejoice with when times are good. We developed a motto to reflect this:  Serving Single Saints — Spiritually, Socially, and Emotionally. As we implemented this and the ward met the needs of the singles, the Lord was able to bless their lives.

Interestingly, we discovered that as we focused on spiritual growth, members would heal emotionally, develop self-confidence, and the Spirit would guide them to marriage opportunities. Over 75 people associated with the ward were married, a remarkably high percentage of the ward membership. Many additional marriages resulted from connections made at events sponsored for the greater area.

The focus on spiritual growth and rescue efforts would not have succeeded without a simultaneous effort to make the ward a loving, friendly place. I had heard reports that visitors would come, not speak to anyone, and never return. After a visitor told us that the meeting was like being at a funeral, we began an effort to ensure that every visitor was swarmed with kind, loving people who were interested in them and wanted them to join us. An especially outgoing sister was called to greet people as they came in and assign someone to sit with them. She formed a committee of dedicated greeters and encouraged the ward members to reach out and make friends. The results were incredible. Soon the only reports I heard were how loved and appreciated our visitors felt.

Why Are So Many Singles Less Active?

Successfully rescuing less active singles requires understanding why they have fallen away in the first place. As with all such things, the reasons are varied and personal. Many singles, however, leave the church not because they lose their testimony, but because they feel out of place and unwanted. Stories from the lives of a few of our ward members illustrate this.

When an active brother divorces, he may feel like a failure because he has not kept the basic tenets of the gospel regarding eternal marriage. When he walks into church among those who know him and know of his situation, the embarrassment can be keen. His friends often don’t know how to interact with him. Church leaders may be uncertain what is best for him and may release him from his callings. He loses his support system and eventually just stops attending. Many brethren told me how lost and forlorn they felt. They still had a testimony of the gospel but did not feel comfortable at church. However, when they came to our singles ward they found people who understood them and accepted them. They were able to heal and return to active church participation, and in many cases, remarry.

Sometimes family wards just don’t know how to interact with adult singles. One brother was told he would not be assigned to home teach any families because, as a single, he “did not understand them.” Single adults are often given callings where they do not interact with others, while what they need most is friends and social gatherings to combat the loneliness inherent in being single. One single brother, in an attempt to make friends and integrate into his ward, attended an Aaronic Priesthood Restoration Celebration camp out. He offered to help cook breakfast, but when the morning activities started, the other cooks asked him to cook alone because he didn’t have anyone to participate with in the activities. His attempts to fit in thus fizzled. Single sisters have an especially difficult time fitting into a family ward because married brethren are often warned of the dangers of friendships with single women, while a married sister might worry that a single sister will disrupt her marriage.

Even when a single adult is able to make friends with married couples in the ward, they are often left out. One sister reported that she had served for 5 years in her family ward in the Primary presidency. She knew and loved many of the mothers. However, she was invited to social gatherings on only two or three occasions. Couples did not invite her, not because they didn’t care for her, but because she was not on their mind. Similarly, one brother married for the first time at age 48 and moved out of his family ward. Several years later he moved back with his wife and was promptly invited to several social outings. He remarked that in all the years he had lived in that ward as a single he had rarely been invited to a social gathering.

What Can We Do to Help?

Ideally, we who are married and attending family wards would avoid these pitfalls, support the single adults among us, and they would not fall away in the first place! Stake- and region-sponsored singles activities such as home evenings, firesides, dances, and parties can help by providing opportunities for them to gather and meet and make friends among those in similar circumstances. Individuals in conventional wards can also have an impact by befriending and socializing with the single adults in their ward.

One additional gift can be bestowed upon singles that may have more emotional impact than anything else. I found that the sisters (and often even the brethren) benefited tremendously from a simple hug. It took me awhile to understand why it was such a powerful experience for them, but I finally realized that a married person gets frequent hugs and physical contact from his or her spouse, while a single has very few opportunities for physical contact. Physical contact is necessary to keep us emotionally strong and healthy. A touch on the arm, a friendly pat on the shoulder, or an occasional hug of sympathy and understanding can make a world of difference for a single member. It’s a small gesture, but one that means so much.

Singles in the church are strong, wonderful and capable, but they face many unique challenges. With some understanding and a little extra effort on the part of leaders and individuals, they can enjoy the many fruits of the Spirit and find joy and comfort in their lives. I pray that  leaders will sponsor multi-stake activities for singles of all ages to give them opportunities to meet, mix, and mingle and that we all will seek for and find ways to serve the single adults among us, befriend them, and invite them into our homes. The rewards for them and for us are priceless.

Robert Gardner has served in many capacities in the LDS Church, including his recent 4 1//2 years with a very successful Single's Ward in Orange County, California, which included ages Mid-Singles on up. He is still very involved in providing activities in his home, and on the Orange County Single's Conference Committee, for his "Single" friends years after his release, in his "spare" time. His other favorite calling was his 4 year stint as Scout Master. He is the father of eight, grandfather of 14, and has great support of his wonderful wife, Debbie. He is a 9 year employee of Google. He has a Ph.D. in physics from Stanford.