40 RED FLAGS OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

Loneliness drives us into the much feared dating scene....

Few words strike terror in the hearts of so many like the word “DATING.” Yet, loneliness is one of the most painful of experiences this life has to offer. Unfortunately, in order to find companionship, we have to date, and what was once an enjoyable experience for getting to know a potential life partner has become something to be feared. It seems that there are more “weirdos” than ever in our society. I have my ideas why, that have to do with fewer children in families, breeding an atmosphere of spoiled and “the world revolves around me” “narcissistic” children.

Other reasons would be our “must be satisfied now” society of porn, alcohol, and drug addicts. Any kind of addiction can lead to sociopathy and narcissism, which leads to abuse and neglect, etc.

Some of our “weirdos” are abuse victims themselves, or have some other shame based past that prevents them from being genuine. Whatever the reason, they have chosen to take the path toward perversion and control, making those in their circle of influence victims of their brokenness.

The world has many different names for these “broken” people. Narcissists, sociopaths, RAD’s (Reactive Attachment Disorder), Pathological Liar, Addicts, Abusers, Psychopaths, Social immaturity, Insecurity, or just plain toxic people that Dr. John Lund calls a “porcupine,” etc. We could spend a lot of time on the differences of each disorder, and the similarities in many cases, but I think that for this post we will just call them “jerks.”

"Broken people can come across as confident, strong, charming....but inside are very messed up. 

Now, lest you think that I don’t have compassion on broken people, let me preface my remarks by saying that these “broken people” (jerks) have chosen to be jerks. They love to be jerks. They want to be jerks. Not everyone who has been abused has decided to be a jerk, but all jerks have had some kind of abuse, neglect, over indulgence, addiction, or some other type of a bad childhood. And, heaven help them, sometimes they just come that way (those darn genes). 

Everyone goes through trials, and each have the decision how they will come out of them. 

1. They choose the path that Christ has set out for them, to become humble, contrite, stronger, more understanding of others also going through trials, and wanting to serve God.  
2. They choose the path that Satan has set out for them, to become angry, bitter, vengeful, selfish, fake, and lacking of empathy for others. 

Even so, they are children of God, and He loves them. But that does not mean that we have to become their victims while God works out their salvation.

Having said that, every last one of us has had experience with, or know of someone who has been a victim of a “jerk.” We may have fallen in love with the most charming, adorable, attentive charmer on the planet only to find out that they were dating seriously 5 other women at the same time, with three wives that did not know of each other, and have seventeen children across the United States and Canada.

Maybe they claim to have walked on the moon, or to be Veterans of World War I even though they are in their forties, or are Presidents of banks, and “own” (owe) millions. I am not making these up, I kid you not, these are real life stories of members in our church.

They are gushing about your beauty one minute, and beating you the next. They embarrass you in front of your peers, and belittle you in private when they were praising you yesterday. They are returned missionary temple going High Priest Quorum Presidents who charm everyone at church, and walk in your door at home and turn off the charm. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde style. 

“Abusive people enjoy this framing game. They provoke their chosen target for a reaction, then claim it as evidence of mental instability, evil-mindedness, or something else that implies it is the victim who is at fault. Diverting all attention away from his (her) own behavior, the bully seeks support from others, turning them against his target. It can be devastating for an individual who is already suffering from mistreatment to be blamed, slandered, rejected, and isolated as well.

“The abuser enjoys the sense of power and control he/she derives from tormenting with impunity, and the positive attention he gets from playing the victim and fishing for sympathy. It is also an effective method of intimidating his target from attempting to speak up and expose the truth.”                                                                      ----Unknown

Abusers paint their victims as "crazy" so no one will listen to them. 

The best defense is to avoid these kinds of people all together. Once you have entangled yourself with one of these, they do not let go of their victims. Even after a divorce they will be dragging you into court for any little thing they can, always playing the victim. They will turn everyone against you, including your own children and family, even your best friends. 

They will always be more convincing than you are because you look like a raving lunatic after what you have been through. They appear calm, in control, put on their best act and charm the judge and jury. They have been play-acting their whole lives, even convinced you to marry them, didn’t they? And you are just a genuine person trying to defend yourself against crazy, while feeling like you will be in an asylum soon yourself if things don’t change. Yet they never let go of their victims. Thus the need to avoid this at all costs.

"But we don't have 'jerks' in Christ's Church!'" According to my studies, we do. 

REASONS FOR DIVORCE IN THE LDS COMMUNITY

In this chart, we have overlapping reasons why those in our very own wonderful church have divorced. Some may have been dealing with addiction that led to personality disorders which led to abuse, etc. Or personality disorders that led to addiction, that led to infidelity. 

So how can you tell they are “jerks” before tying the knot so that you are not fooled? Do they show signs? Is there a way to know the genuine from the fakers? Yes there is.

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I have researched this phenomenon of how nice people get taken by creeps and have found that these scenarios always have the same patterns.

The problem is that sometimes we will notice what appears to be positive traits, and be impressed, while overlooking negative ones, or “red flags.” Unfortunately, they are always there, but because we are nice people, we assume they are isolated incidents, and give them the benefit of the doubt, and gloss over the obvious signs.

Many good people often give too much, accept too much, and overlook too much in a relationship. They believe people can change and that everyone usually deserves a second and even third chances. As a result, genuine and good people often stay in a relationship far too long, becoming more and more damaged themselves while never seeing any genuine change in their chosen partner.

Nice, good people tend to believe that other people are like themselves, watching out for the other guy, generous, honest, and genuine. They tend to be very forgiving, and overlook negative tendencies as a passing, non-consequential incidents. Over and over and over again. They think “I’m sure he/she didn’t mean to come across that way,” or “I’m sure he/she didn’t mean that, they are just out-of-sorts today.” And they ignore the red flags. Over and over and over again.

The “RED FLAGS” are the patterns (characteristics) coincidentally, that Satan has, yes our big trouble making brother. His followers will emulate his characteristics of deceit and corruption and control, just as Christ’s followers will become more like Christ the more righteous they become. They have, once again, chosen to follow this path with their gift of agency. 

The Book of Mormon tells us of Christ’s admonition how to tell the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I always like to liken scriptures to our situation, so here is my version:  

“Beware of false (“Peter Priesthood”/”Molly Mormons”), who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns (compassion from an abuser), or figs of thistles (caring from addiction)? Even so, every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bring forth evil fruit. A good tree ( honest person) cannot bring forth evil fruit ( dishonest actions and behaviors), neither a corrupt tree (a dishonest person) bring forth good fruit (a trusting marriage)…..Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them.    

                                                                                                  ---3 Nephi 14:15-20

"What ya doin' Friday sweetheart?" 

First know that in order to know a person really well, one must date for a period of time. Patterns don’t emerge for at least 3 months. When a nice person notices that his date is nasty to their waitress, for example, the nice person will think “I’m sure that she is just in a bad mood today.” Then they consider it an isolated incident, and give them the benefit of the doubt. After a few months of seeing similar behavior, you will see that this is who they are. You want to see how this person treats others on every level.

How do they treat past romantic relationships? Close family members such as children, parents, siblings? What about friends? Do they have many? Work associates, repairmen, waitresses, strangers? How these people are treated is how you will be treated after you have been successfully “captured.”

************************************************************ 

THE RED FLAGS: And how to flesh them out.

1) Insists on getting you your drink. With date rape rampant with the non-aromatic/tasting drugs, never allow your date to get your drink. If the restaurant does not fill your cup for you, insist on getting your own. Be very leary if he seems perturbed by this. If you are eating together and he says “how do you like your drink?” What does he care if you like this restaurants brand of rootbeer? Did he ask if you like your dinner too? Always ask them if this drink tastes peculiar to them and have them take a drink first. Watch to see if they decline, or really do drink or pretend to.

2) Isolates you from friends and family. Constantly puts down people who are close to you. Gets angry when you spend time with other important people in your life. If he/she starts telling you of reasons why you should not have a relationship with someone who is close to you, realize that they are trying to take away your support system. This is so that they can have free reign to abuse and control you without the interference of your loved ones. Ask them how they feel about the important people in your life. If they have nothing nice to say, and it feels like they are trying to find only negative things to report, say goodbye.

Controlling people get jealous of other relationships. 

3) Get’s jealous of time you spend doing the things you enjoy. If they get threatened by your hobbies and require you to give up your talents and recreation to focus on them, this is a very controlling, narcissistic, insecure person. They may be threatened by your abilities and want to bring you down to their level. On the other hand, if you are spending most of your free time with these activities at the expense of your partner, you may be the selfish one. Let them know of your schedule, which includes your routine (morning exercise, weekly soccer game, getting your nails done with girlfriends, movie night out with the guys (if you are a guy), etc. If they complain and act injured, or want to come, even though it is just for the girls, this is a sign of a very insecure, selfish, controlling person.

4) It would kill them to compliment you. “Do you like my hair?” “I like the way you wore it last week better.” “What do you think of my new car?” “Well, if it didn’t have that red top it would be great.”  Do their complements have a “stinging barb” attached? “The house looks great…why are there dishes in the sink?” “You don’t sweat much for a fat girl….” kind of thing. Ask them leading questions that beg for a compliment. If they cannot deliver while you are dating, they won’t be complimenting after marriage. Wait for the “stinging barb” at the end of the compliment. Then move on.

5) Non-Genuine, Over the top People Pleasers. The other extreme from the insult-version-of-complimenting are the gushers. “I have never seen a lawn so beautiful” as he passes a neighbor who has a high position in the stake. The guy stands there watering his dead spot and looks at him like he is daft. “You are the most amazing man I have ever met,” she tells Joe, and John, and Dave, and Henry. They are not genuine, and you always wonder what it is they want from you. Some people really are just that nice. There are lots of people pleasers in the world, the ones you need to watch out for are the ones with agendas. When you witness the gushing, ask them questions afterwards to see if you can get to the bottom of what they would gain by this flattering behavior. Find out the relationship to this person, if they have connections at work, can put in a good word for them to move to higher positions in the church, etc. If you cannot find a motive, and they do this with everyone, they may be genuine. If they pick and choose who they flatter, then are mean to others, their flattery is not genuine.

6) Constantly embarrass you in front of others. Insecure people will want to make themselves look magnanimous to be putting up with those they are intimidated by. They belittle, push your buttons and try to incite you to anger, and act condescendingly toward you in front of others, and privately. They most likely are also trashing you to others behind your back. One time might be an isolated incident. After the second and third time, it is a pattern that won’t end. This person is threatened by you, and wants to be liked, at your expense. This person is afraid you will out-shine them, so they must distribute other info in order to keep their position, by bringing you down in other’s estimation.

7) Crazy making/”Gas-lighting” techniques are used. They want you and others to believe you have gone nuts, and will set you up to appear so. If you feel that you are going crazy while dating a particular person, but not the rest of the time, this is why. If you haven’t seen the movie this term came from, be sure to look up the black and white “Gaslight.” Say something to draw their attention to something that would just tick you off. “I better not lose my keys before this big event” and watch to see if your keys disappear. “ I am putting my tickets in my back pocket, don’t let me lose them.” Pay attention to the efforts made to steal them from your back pocket. Be creative.

8) Arrogant, know-it-all, better-than-you, more-important-than-you, elevated sense of self.

They act like you are lucky to have them, you are nothing compared to them, your life calling is to serve them and make them happy. Your existence has no other value. They have no ability to see anything from other’s point of view. Theirs is the only one that matters. Theirs.

9) Lack of appropriate boundaries. “What is yours is mine because I deserve it more.” These people will exploit you for all you’ve got and toss you out when there is nothing more to take. They invade your space, and have no respect for you and your things. They ask to borrow, or just borrow without asking, things that are special to you. They come to activities where they are not wanted.

10) Dangerous lack of emotional controls and balance. People tend to walk on egg-shells around these people hoping not to set them off and pay for it big time. Those closest to them learn to give in quickly rather than begin a confrontation that soon escalates out of proportion to the incident.

11) Dangerous lack of emotion at all. Sometimes these people come across as “easy going” when in fact they are really just without feeling. They don’t get upset when they should because they just don’t care. They don’t show proper emotion at the proper times. They belittle you for getting angry when it is completely appropriate to be angry, in fact, they should also be angry. They also are not loving or nurturing, There is no compassion or remorse, joy or happiness, just pleasure from control games and making others miserable like unto themselves. Tell them stories that should invoke a certain sympathetic response. If they seem bored, or change the subject, or their sympathy seems not sincere, they probably lack empathy. They do not cringe at human suffering, in fact, enjoy it.

12) Passive aggressive behaviors. They will smile and say “yes dear,” then turn around and do the complete opposite. They sabotage your efforts while you aren’t looking, tell your friends you are sick when they call to go to lunch, and pull stunts on you that leave you chasing your tail and believing you are going nuts,…..and they smile. Ask for a favor. If they promise to be there for you, then do a no show, or feign an excuse, you know that you will never be able to rely on someone who feels threatened by natural expectations in a relationship. They do not understand “give and take.” They only take, and believe you have no right to ask for anything. Only their needs are important.

13) Lack of empathy. They do not react properly to sad stories, or your sharing your hard day, or painful experiences. They seem bored, or like they are not listening (because they aren’t). They aren’t there for you during your hard times and wish you’d not bother them with them.

14) They are being abusive. Shove, slap, or hit you. Make you feel like you have to be perfect all the time or you’ll be sorry. I shouldn’t have to point this one out, but unfortunately, it needs to be said. Some who have been abused as children believe this is what they deserve, or is normal treatment. It’s not normal, and you don’t deserve it. Stop the cycle and get out. If he/she hits you, or treats you like trash before marriage, it only gets worse after. I promise.

15) Consistently putting their needs before yours. Their needs are the only ones that are important, and yours just are not. Period. When you state your needs, they are laughed at. We all have needs, and we need to have a partner that helps to fill them. One-sided relationships are not for you.  Vocalize what some of your needs are. Watch to see if they make an effort to fill your needs. If they do everything but those you asked for, this will be the pattern forever. “You know, when I go to the effort to make a meal for you, it is important to me that you be here on time, and thank me afterwards for the meal. Compliments wouldn’t hurt either.” They will either feel badly for not already doing this, or will act offended. “NO one tells me what to do.”

16) Consistent lying. Ostentatious vulnerability. If you catch them lying, there can be no trust in this relationship. How many other lies have been told to you? What else are they lying about? Don’t settle for anything but an honest relationship. Ask a question that you know the answer to. See if they can tell you the truth. See below for how to detect a liar. 

17) Plays the victim. Ostentatious vulnerability. They victimize you and others all day, then convince everyone that they have been wronged by their victims. And are believed, supported, rallied around. They love the sympathy they receive, and play this role on a regular basis. The victims are then ostracized and treated like criminals. Ask yourself if they could really be as helpless a creature as they make out? You will have to ask around and get a second opinion, possibly from those who have supposedly wronged this person. It may be very eye opening. I’ve seen millionaire attorneys put on this "victim" act and be quite convincing. Most likely they are the bully.

18) Never apologizes. If something went wrong, it must be your fault, or you are just interpreting it all wrong. But they often make you grovel when you apologize. “I’m sorry” isn’t quite enough, it needs to be “You are right your mighty one, I was wrong and now I will go give myself 40 lashes for my terribleness.”

19) Extremely self centered. All decisions made are for his/her benefit only. Everyone else must adapt to what is best for the only important person in the group. Make your needs known and see how he/she react. Are they taken into consideration or cast off like a silly idea?

20) Financial infidelity. Lies to you about the finances. “I’m broke.” “I’m rich.” If they truly are rich, they will tell you they have to give all their money to their ex-spouse and have nothing left. Then they hide their money in off-shore accounts and businesses. If they are struggling financially they may try to lead you to believe that they are wealthy. I know of a couple that both married each other for their money, only to find out that they were both broke. Talk to people who know them and their circumstances really well. Like a sister, or close relative or friend. I have a friend who got a call from a woman in Hawaii who was dating and thinking about getting engaged to her brother. She asked if he truly owned a ranch in Montana, and had millions like he claimed. He had borrowed money from her for a “short-term” situation. My friend let her know that he was lying to her, that he was broke, and that she would be lucky to get her money back. Don’t be afraid to ask.

21) Depressed, low energy, emptiness, flatness, no motivation. Remember, things only get worse after marriage, so if they act this way when dating someone and in-love, after marriage you won’t get them off the couch. You will be taking care of them like a child, without appreciation or contribution.

22) Extreme mood swings. Are you walking on egg-shells all the time to prevent a change in mood? Are they either one extreme or another? Does it take very little for them to go from their highs to lows?

23) Fake morality. They may act like Peter Priesthood/Molly Mormon, and even hold high positions in the church (in fact, most of the time they do), but are secretly sleeping around, or are sneaking into their neighbors homes and stealing pain medication. They are critical of others for their lack of perfection in the gospel. It is a cover-up. Most of the time, the more spiritual they talk, the more you should worry. Or do they make excuses for their behavior using scriptures?

24) Extremely Stubborn. “Everything is done my way. I am the only one who has brains and who matters. Period.” There is no compromising.

25) Hypersensitive to criticism. Sometimes they even interpret compliments as insults. They are extremely insecure and cannot handle the thought that they might not be perfect. They will stew over a slight for a very long time, not internalizing it as much as growing angry at the person who dared to mention it.

26) Say inappropriate things that make you feel uncomfortable. Pervs get a thrill out of watching the reaction from innocents when they say things that are completely inappropriate. I’m not saying that every person who speaks dirty is a pervert because even good guys test women to see if they have the potential to be good sex partners. I was never comfortable with dirty talk, and don’t appreciate it, but it is common. What I am talking about here are things that will horrify you, make you sick to your stomach, or want to slap them.

27) Make you cry all the time. If you now realize that you cry more often with this person than before, are filled with confusion, feeling badly about yourself and are trying harder to please them, this is evidence of emotional abuse. They probably make you feel that you deserve this treatment & brought it on yourself. You feel like you will never measure up and must just try harder.

This is the "wheel of abuse" used by bishops, in the church handbook.

28) Make you feel worthless or stupid. No matter what you do, it is wrong. They mock your every sentence or action, act condescending, like they are just putting up with you out of the goodness of their hearts. They try to convince you that no-one else would put up with you. They will act like you are lucky to have them. Make you feel like you have to be perfect or you’ll be sorry.

29) Act super jealous and possessive. “I saw that guy look at you!” Then you get all defensive trying to explain that you didn’t look back, etc. “I saw you talk to that woman…” They believe that you are cheating on them and always accuse you of being a flirt. People portray onto you what they are themselves, so if he/she is accusing you, either they are extremely insecure, or more likely, they are cheating on you. Cheaters believe it is okay for them to cheat on you, but not for you to cheat on them. Since they are cheaters, everyone must be the same way, and it is just a matter of them catching you. You will be accused every day, will not be allowed to speak to anyone (even of the same sex for fear you might make a friend and take time away from them and their needs).

30) Threaten to hurt or kill themselves. Threaten to hurt a loved one. If you don’t give them what they want, if you threaten to break-up with them, they try to scare you by threatening to kill themselves or someone you love. “I can’t live without you, I might as well be dead…..” They may or may not. Most of the time they do not, but I know of a case where the guy pulled the trigger to his head in front of his wife and two year old son. It took years for this lady to get over PTSD. He had threatened this everyday when she didn’t perform to his specifications. If they use this line even once in your dating relationship, run as fast as you can. Another tactic to get intimacy from an adult, or even a child, pedophiles and perverts threaten to hurt their little sister if they don’t…..etc. In this case, call the police.

31) Push for inappropriate intimacy; “If you love me…..” In our church, we all have the same Ten Commandments as when we were married. We have the same baptismal and temple covenants. Just because you are single does not mean that it is okay to sleep together. There is not a different morality rule for singles. You know that, and so should he/she. Do you want to be married to someone who does not respect those God given boundaries? If they can break such important commandments while dating you, what makes you think they will honor them after you are married?

32) Stalk you, call constantly to check on you, don’t trust you. Do they “just happen” to show up where ever you are? Do they ask you about activities you were involved in that they should not know about? Do they make comments about your Facebook usage? These are very controlling behaviors and didn’t happen by coincidence. Unless you enjoy cages, remove yourself from this relationship asap. They may not be able to even let you go then, and you may have to get a Restraining Order, or Civil Stalking Injunction. Depending on how your state handles this kind of thing.

33) Make you feel responsible for their happiness or unhappiness. They act like they will never survive without you, guilt trip you all the time. “I’m in a bad mood and it’s your fault.” “I cannot be happy without you.” No one wants this kind of responsibility. They are emotionally unstable, controlling, toxic people who place the responsibility for their happiness onto others. Yet they will never be happy.

34) Flirt with others in front of you, or behind your back. When they flirt in front of you, they are trying to impress you. They don’t care about how it makes you feel. Behind your back? If they are still flirting with others, it usually means that they are trying to keep their options open. They may even be cheating on you now. It also means that their heart is not yours. If they were a healthy individual, they would not need this kind of regular attention in order to feel good about themselves, and you will never be enough to fill their bucket with that kind of hole in it.

35) Make you feel badly about your religious beliefs and try to change them to a more “free thinking” belief. Your LDS ways may be too strict for their plans for you. So they just convince you that religion is what you want it to be, and that it is different for every person. Their religion is the exploitation of you, and they will say whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means convincing you to drop your standards, change religious beliefs, and morals. These narcissists believe they are above the rules anyway. The rules (commandments, boundaries of any kind) don’t apply to them.

36) Contentious, argue everything you say or do, always taking opposite point of view. These toxic personalities thrive on chaos, keeping you upset and off-balance. They want you to feel stupid, and to believe they know everything and you nothing. They love conflict and will create it from nothing. If you love to argue about everything, this person is for you. Don’t engage. As soon as they become argumentative, ask them if they truly believe that or if they just enjoy contending. Then stop talking. They do not deserve your conversation when they can’t respect your opinions, or be a good listener. It shows they don’t care about what you are saying, but use your sharing as a chance to make you feel badly about yourself.

37) Project themselves as rescuers, charitable. Many of our so-called charities are run by these people, who pad their pockets while appearing to care about others. Sociopaths and narcissists need to look magnanimous and will go to great lengths to give that appearance. They are typically stingy, selfish, fraudulent businessmen, and hoard money to themselves, while coming across as the most generous of people. They leave ruined and financially broken people in their wake through others who were naïve and fell into their traps. When they claim to have donated to some charity, or to have built some school for the blind, check it out for yourself. Ask for particulars as if interested, then call on it. Most likely they made the whole thing up, and only truly give if there is a large audience involved.

38) Appears confident but is very insecure. They come across as confident, but then do insecure things, or expect you to be filing their egos regularly. They drain you while trying to boost their self-esteem. There are usually reasons they are insecure and that is because they have no self-respect. Either they have been victims of sexual crimes, or have done things to be ashamed of. Either way, they are shame-based and need help. From professionals, not from you.

39) Appears to be a good listener, overly attentive. We all love good listeners because we love to talk about ourselves. The problem is that they are listening for you to reveal your vulnerabilities and buttons. And they are looking to find out what it is that you are looking for in a person so that they can pretend to be that for you. They are chameleons. But after marriage, they will become who they really are. Mean and nasty Sociopaths, etc. Never reveal yourself too soon when just getting to know someone. Keep the conversation superficial until you have heard them open up about themselves. Narcissists don’t talk about themselves, or their past. They are very private. If you can’t get them to share, you don’t either.

40) They do not like to talk about their past or childhood. They are very private, don’t talk about themselves. Narcissists come from a shame based past and don’t want to reveal themselves on any level. They believe information about themselves to be sacred, and you don’t qualify for that level of intimacy, nor do they like to be vulnerable to your opinion or what they believe is their being exposed. Ask them questions about their childhood, youth, young adulthood. If they say that they don’t remember, and keep tight lipped, this is a red flag.  

Most of the toxic personalities have their foundation in narcissism. Here is what I suggest. On your very first date, ask her/him this very revealing questions.

TO REVEAL A NARCISSIST......The magic questions:

• ·      “In what ways do you think you need to grow or change?”

If they are narcissistic they will be offended at the question. How could you believe that they are anything but perfect? A humble person will list things that they feel they are needing to work on.

• Ask about past relationships; family, friends, romantic, business.

Narcissists don’t understand the word “relationship.” They may have “friends” on a superficial level, but they don’t nourish these relationships. They can’t even manage to keep them with their wives/husbands, parents, children, and friends. Do they spend time with close associates or are they loners?

• Ask about their childhood and growing up years. They don’t like to talk about their past.

 TO REVEAL A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR

• Ask a question you know the answer to, just to see if they tell you the truth.

LIE REVEALING BEHAVIORS

*The individual is sweating or fidgeting, touching ears, face, or playing with hair or clothes

*Inability to provide details in a story

*Failure to make eye-contact, or holding it too long

*Eyebrows drawn upward toward middle of forehead

*Dilated pupils

*Rise in vocal pitch, voice speeds up

*Defensive tone

*Use of “trust me,” “honestly,”

and “to be honest” phrases

*Clears throat to give time to make up an answer

*Trying hard to sound natural so that they end up sounding false

*Being too quick to end an interaction

*Can’t remember what they’ve told and give different answers to different people

A "jerk" shows their true colors in many ways. It is a long list, but the more symptoms they show, the more you need to consider avoiding or getting out of this relationship. If your presence in their life is about their happiness, then you need to move on to find someone who also wants you to be happy. 

I can hear what you are thinking after reading this list. “I do some of these, I must be a jerk myself.” If you are humble enough to recognize that you may not be perfect, then you just disqualified yourself from being a “jerk.” Narcissists cannot believe that they are anything but perfect, so it’s those of you who think “this list does not pertain to me on any level because I am perfect” that we need to watch out for. 

Each of us can be jerks on occasion. If you don’t live your life for the sole purpose of entertaining your boredom by controlling others, exploiting your victims, and finding ways to make them miserable or ruined, then you don’t qualify to be a jerk. Sorry. You are just a normal human being with weaknesses.

At this stage of your life it is important with whom you surround yourself with, especially when choosing a partner. You may need to take a hard look at your relationships and make sure you could consider them as part of your "support group." Make sure they really are supportive, or if instead, they drain you. 

Then ask yourself these questions. 

• Do they lift you?
• Make you want to be a better person? 
• Make you feel like you can accomplish anything? 
• Support you in your dreams? 
• Make you happy? 

Some thoughts I've gathered from my friends on my LDS Divorce Survivors Facebook group:

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition, it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend to your friends.”                                                                  ---MARK TWAIN

THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS UNTIL THEY HAVE DEFENDED YOU IN YOUR ABSENCE.                                                                      ---unknown

“People inspire you. Or they drain you. Pick them wisely.”

---Hans F. Hansen

Don't give up on your dreams.  

Relax, there are many folks out there who are NOT JERKS! Therefore, as long as you are equipped with the right preparation and knowledge, you will be on your way to finding Mr/Mrs. Right! -

“I realize that many mature members of the Church are not married. Through no fault of their own, they deal with the trials of life alone. Be we all reminded that in the Lord’s own way and time, no blessings will be withheld from his faithful Saints.”

---Elder Russell M. Nelson

Here is another "Lisa-fied" scripture for you:

“Therefore He (the Savior) said unto them (the Single Adults), “The harvest (worthy, wonderful options for marriage partners) truly is great, but the labourers are few (those putting in the effort to seek out): pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that He would send forth labourers (men who actually go on dates) into his harvest.”

“Go your ways: behold, I send you forth as lambs (good, honest, faithful covenant/commandment keepers) among wolves (those pretending to).”     

                                                                                                             -----Luke 10:3

Remember that you have a "Personal Relationship Counselor" who cares about your happiness more than anyone. Communicate with Him frequently, tell Him of what you are looking for, being very specific, and to help you to feel the "spirit of discernment" while dating. Then trust your gut. If the Spirit tells you that something is wrong, don't talk yourself out of it. The Spirit can see past the facade, so trust it. 

Your "Personal Relationship Counselor"

If you have any more red flags to contribute, please do so in the comments section. I hope you have found this to be helpful. Good luck, and may God be with you in your efforts to find love. 

---Lisa McDougle

If you are interested in having me come speak at a Fireside, Conference, or Family Home Evening, I can be contacted at faithhopecharity59@gmail.com.