WHAT HAPPENED IN MY MARRIAGE? Floating Down Denial River, By Matt Millican MA

Floating Down Denial River

One of the main issues I work with in mental health is helping people figure out just what happened? What is going on? What did I do? What did they do?How did I get to this point in my life? 

Well...these questions usually take some time to answer. They don't usually come busting out of the closet on the first session, and we walk away having reached nirvana or utopia in forty-five minutes. I have to rely on things people tell me, and people don't always tell me the truth or what actually happened in a session – for a lot of reasons: They may be scared, embarrassed, ashamed of their own role in things, they may not remember, may have a psychiatric issue that distorts understanding and recollection, may legitimately not understand what happened or what they did, or they could have been lied to about what happened and what was happening. Very often, the reality of what happened to them may be so hard to grapple with, they may insist that something else happened, just to avoid dealing with reality, and therefore their personal role and even identity in these situations. And all of this leads us down that great river we all sail down in one form or another, Denial. And when we're floating down Denial River, it can be very hard to figure out what exactly is going on, and solving problems. 

Denial is a very common human phenomenon. Everybody does it. Everybody. You. Me. The person you love. Victims. Abusers. 

Why? 

Well....the human brain has to be right. The human brain has to be right more than the lungs need air. We have to not just survive physically with food and water and air, we have to have a reason for living, and that reason comes through who we are and what we do and think in the world. We need a reason to live, as well as the materials and so we have to have the correct perceptions about our world in order to function in it, and we constantly – constantly! - check ourselves and look around for information to verify our perceptions and status in the world. We have to be right about them in order to continue on surviving. Sometimes we may even have to be right about being wrong! Then we often begin to see the self-fulfilling prophesies, and self-sabotaging behaviors where people “make mistakes” and “fail” just to fulfill their perceptions and ideas about their self-image, just so they can say “SEE! I was right! I'm always wrong! (And I'm right about always being wrong!)” Or they do something to make people mad just so they can say “SEE! You hate me!” and not only be right, but also be a victim who needs more help and attention. 

In fact, the drive for the brain to be right is so strong that we will see the human mind do mental backflips and impossible gymnastics just to be right, avoiding the phenomena we call “cognitive dissonance.” Cognitive dissonance is when we have two attitudes or beliefs or behaviors that conflict with each other – e.g. I like to smoke, and smoking is bad for me. Enter the mental gymnastics. We – and I say “we” because I'm human too – begin to engage in all sorts of distortions in order to deal with the inconsistencies in our behavior and identities and purposes. 

One of the most common and easy distortions to engage in is denial. From the victim's standpoint, abusers have some of the “highest” “self-esteem” you will ever see. And why? Because they deny what they do – so they don't have to deal with reality. Then they don't have to deal with the victim, with themselves, with consequences....with anything! Just deny, deny, deny. Doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense. Doesn't matter if the evidence is to the contrary. Doesn't matter if it isn't believable! They will call the accusers “crazy” and the evidence “made up”, portray themselves as the real victim here, and keep doing what they're doing. 

And if you are the victim? Good luck getting them to admit to what they've done to you. And if they do admit it, good luck getting them to change. Often “admitting it” is just a delaying tactic used to buy time, or get people off their backs before the next rush or next offense, and then the story changes again later to how the victim lied about their admission, or they meant something else when they “admitted” it...you're very often not going to get anywhere and may just feel like you're stuck on spin cycle, going round and round for no reason. And....you might just be right about that.

In my professional experience and human experience, we put too much emphasis on admission of guilt as part of the repentance and healing process. Admission isn't a cure-all. And admission – or stopping denying – is but one step in what is a long journey to amending the wrongs of abuse, and it certainly isn't the final step (if you look at addiction recovery's twelve steps, five of the twelve steps have to do with admissions in various ways with several steps in between) .

So when we see it or hear it, we may actually be far from the finish line of resolving and healing things. My counsel to the victims? It can be a good sign when we see admissions, but don't put too much stock in it and think that it's all over and everything's downhill as soon as we get it. That's your drive right there kicking in to have validation and feel like you are right. That's really all most of us want, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt – and in an abusive situation, we don't have that! So when it finally comes, it can seem like a big relief, and as if the worst is over or there is light at the end of the tunnel very often. But my thoughts professionally are “we'll see what happens next, and then we'll know what this really is.” In some abusive situations, we may not have that time, and waiting and seeing could come with a very heavy price. And unfortunately, victims are often so disoriented from the abuse emotionally, spiritually, cognitively and socially, that getting their bearings to get to safety or even having the energy to do so may not be the easiest thing to do; they often gravitate to the first hint that things could be getting better, and set themselves up for another round of abuse. 

There are a few things in particular that I see in therapy that abusers deny. Denial of actions, i.e. “I didn't do that” followed by “what I really did was......” and again, sometimes despite evidence being to the contrary, they are going to stick with it rather than having to deal with themselves and reality. Because even the bad guys believe they are good guys. And of course, the victim is the liar for saying otherwise. 

There is also the denial of intent – what they meant to do – i.e. “I didn't mean to hurt you...” after they just got done pillaging and sacking you and your life. From a therapeutic standpoint I don't put too much stock in intentions because we are often functioning on unconscious and conscious levels that may aren't even always aware of why we do things. But as we all know “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” so getting people to wake up and face the reality of what they did is its own marathon when we're dealing with good intentions.  Having good intentions allows people to still do rotten things, but still be a good person! And here comes the victim, smearing the abuser and ruining the abuser's life by pointing out and saying all these horrible things about the abuser, when in reality, the abuser is a great person who was just trying to help! Now all of a sudden, it's the victim's fault that the abuser's life is falling apart, and they will then blame the victim for everything bad that happens afterward. And then we wonder why victims need so much help even after the abuse has stopped.

And lastly, there is denial of impact – the effects of the abuser's actions on the victim, which is closely related to denial of intent and actions. Often, the abuser has a distorted view of not just themselves and their own needs (they are humans with needs too, albeit broken humans who now break others), they often lack the ability to understand the impact of their actions on others – or they simply deny it because that's just too painful to deal with.  They will often reference someone who had something similar happen to them “and they were just fine!” and now it is the victim's fault they are suffering and again, the victim is the burden in the perpetrator's life, is ruining the abuser's life, and continue trashing what's left of the victim's self esteem and reasons for survival. At this point the abuser may have a change of heart and generously decide to help the victim, even though they shouldn't because of all the rotten things the victim has done to ruin the abuser's life; going back to the victim being disoriented earlier, the cycle can often repeat its self at this point. 

What sometimes happens is the victim will begin to think the same things, deny the abuser's impact, intent or actions. I wouldn't expect a victim to have the clarity of thought after a prolonged abusive situation to immediately, at the snap-of-a-finger, be able to cope with the full scope and reality of their abuse and its impact on them. Often victims are in denial because they have to survive emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually as well. Waking up to the full scope and reality of their situation all at once can be overwhelming and even paralyzing, so that denial can become a functional alternative. 

Now, this isn't to say that abusers don't change. They can and they do, very often. But it also very often takes a lot more than simply their victim confronting them and the abuser admitting they were wrong. It usually takes some very uncomfortable and painful interventions and time to help heal an abuser. Oftentimes, relationships have to be terminated for healing to take place. Helping abusers change, and become accountable to the public and their victims, so we don't have more victims has been the focus of my work for the past eight years working with offenders and the criminally insane.

One thing I have learned is that despite their actions, heinous as they are, abusers started out just like you and me. They are human too, and that's probably what makes the tragedy all the more painful is that a human can get to a point where they do these horrible things to another human. But knowing this, is part of the key to seeing and understanding what is happening with them and with the victim. Often, when abusers finally “wake up” in treatment to the reality of their actions, and the seriousness of their offenses begin to hit them as denial gets broken down by the counselors, they can become overwhelmed and suicide becomes a risk as they struggle to cope with their offenses. I'm not sharing this to encourage victims to pity their abusers or to even say that “abuse is okay if the abuser felt bad” because it isn't; and pitying an abuser isn't the most useful thing a victim can or should be doing when they themselves are struggling to survive. Victims have enough on their plate to deal with without having to feel sorry for someone who hurt them. Again, being able to do so might come down the road as things are reconciled and healed, and being able to say “I'm not there yet, maybe someday I can” might suffice in the meantime, but I wouldn't focus on forcing it. It all takes time and healing. 

In the end, however, coping with abuse and denial often takes a skilled, outside set of eyes to sort through and make sense of things. Many victims are ridiculed away from seeking help by their abusers who enlist the help of the victim's social supports to help – unwittingly – keep up the abuse by disenfranchising, discounting and dismissing perceptions, feelings and experiences in the abusive situations. In some more serious abuse and manipulation cases, a family counselor may not have the skills necessary, but a forensic psychologist who is skilled and experienced at recognizing, identifying and working with criminal behavior may be required. 

In the end, this isn't an all encompassing view of denial or even the field of mental health and abuse. The mental health is incredibly complex to the point that the number of variables in a single life or situation can't even be calculated let alone enumerated. While reading this, please note the use of the words "often" or "some" or "many" or "may" in the portrayals of circumstances and tendencies (note the use of the word "tendencies").  What was written in here are not absolutes, and again, are not all encompassing, and shouldn't be used as the sole basis of interpreting or identifying and working on solving a situation.  If an individual feels like they need help, I strongly recommend finding a counselor who is a good fit for them, and taking the time to have a "head check" either alone or with their partner as needs be and as they are comfortable.  

~Matt Millican

MA Counseling Psychology
Qualified Mental Health Professional

mill1938@pacificu.edu

Presently working on a book