LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 2

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part two of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                      PART TWO

QUESTION NUMBERS EIGHT-FOURTEEN

8. How Large of a Trial Was This For You? 

1. The worst trial of my life........................................................71.3%

2. A definite trial, but I've had worse.........................................24.59%

3. Not a big deal..........................................................................3.28%

4. A delightful experience............................................................. .82%

9. Did you ever have suicidal thoughts of 

suicide or running away during the divorce?

1. Both suicide & running away...................................................14.88%

2. No............................................................................................57.85%

3. Suicide......................................................................................19.01%

4. Running away............................................................................8.26%

10. What were the ages of your children (if

any) at the time of the divorce?

1. Infants.........................................................................................6.25%

2. Toddlers/Preschoolers................................................................36.61%

3. Elementary School.....................................................................55.36%

4. Jr. High......................................................................................29.46%

5. High School...............................................................................35.71%

6. College/Young Adult.................................................................21.43%

7. Married/Older Single Adults......................................................13.39%

11. During and after the divorce I:

1. Kept my emotions to myself, putting on a brave front................33.61%

2. Showed my emotions to close associates only............................40.16%

3. Was free with my emotions........................................................13.93%

4. Withdrew from society and kept to myself.................................27.87%

5. Clung to family and friends for support......................................27.05%

12. What were the results from your approach?

1." I learned that we can take nothing for granted, because, we may never get another chance!!!!"

2. "Healing."

3. "I received considerable family and friend support but proved to be a negative in subsequent dating."

4. "A lot of people are void of compassion and don't want to hear about other people's problems. Latter-Day Saints are huge hypocrites when it comes to "morning with those that mourn".

5. "I chose not to tell my family all that had gone on because I did not want any Judgements, even towards her. Our Bishop doesn't even know the entire story. Only a few select very close friends do. and in fact I didn't even meet them until after we separated. They were with me through the actual divorce and many other trials. I have found the greatest support through some amazing friends that I literally met on FB! I had support that I never received from any church member who knew me. The friends are all LDS as well. And from different States. But I have been blessed to be able to meet them. And one I see regularly who has become my best friend."

6. "I got full custody of my 3 daughters and life is good because the church teaches self sufficiency."

7. "It finally spilled all out when a Bishop asked me if I wanted to talk.. I really needed to let it all go... He gave me a Priesthood Blessing after, and I was much better."

8. "A break down a year and a half after the divorce during deployment to Afghanistan."

9. "Loneliness, depression."

10. "alcohol, drugs and self harm."

11. "I wasn't being man enough to put an end to it."

12. "Drove me to counseling within a month. Spent 9 months in counseling to start to scab over the deep wounds. Took 5 years to heal with zero help from the church. In fact it was horrible from the church, they just could not understand."

13. "Usually helpful, exhausting for others. Concerned that all I did was complained, but was just focusing on how to eliminate the negatives so she could see positives. And mainly to help kids through it all."

14. "Several of my family members initially said I was a liar and aligned themselves with my ex. In the last two years since the official separation, all but two have come around and realized that I was not the liar, cheater or thief."

15. "I felt I had no choice. It was depressing and left me constantly tired."

16. "I received a tremendous amount of support from my family."

17. "I pushed my family away and it wrecked my career."

18. "Good. My friends and family supported me."

19. "When my marriage was failing, I put on the brave front approach. As the divorce was imminent and eventually filed withdrew from society (i.e. church) and clung to the support offered by friends and family who had experienced what I was going through. The results? Despite not having family geographically close I feel I have a good support system (not perfect) for me and my kids."

20. "It's just how I am - not everyone needs to see me wearing my emotions. I don't know what the results were compared to some other approach."

21. "Positive. I have avenues to express emotions and thoughts to those who would not degrade me. I also had mature and balanced people who would let me know if I was in the right and even when I am wrong in dealing with every situation."

22. "It dragged on far too long before I had reason to see my concerns as valid - whereas she was frequently telling her daughters how bad I was / letting them continue with the image of me as a horrible immoral husband."

23. "I moved on."

24. "I was withdrawn from society and I kept to myself."

25."I became even lonelier than before."

26. "It helped keep most of my life (outside of the marriage) pretty normal."

27. "I now some of the closest friends ever and a few new ones."

28. "Support from family and friends."

29. "Finding comfort in the wrong places."

30. "I lost contact with many of my friends and it led me to go inactive."

31. "I did break down crying once outside my bishop's office while waiting to meet with him. It was really hard to deal with it and my family tried to support me but knew that I had to work through it."

32. "They were my support group and without them, I would have gone insane."

33. "It has been a very healthy, liberating experience."

34. "Unhappiness but thankful for support I got."

35. "I finally realized the harder I tried to reconcile with my wife who left me, the more antagonistic she became. I finally realized after 15 months since she left, I was forced to sign off."

36. "Feeling isolation and abused by leadership and especially by lack of support from the relief society which went out of the way to punish me for getting custody."

37. "Too much info about our divorce got out."

38. "I found it a good "middle way" not keeping it bottled up but not wearing my emotions on my sleeve either."

39. "Loneliness, depression."

40. "An Affair."

41. "varied results from different people."

42. "Just lonely a lot. Didn't have much time for friends or socializing."

43. "I wish I would have kept more things to myself. My friends, family and colleagues were great and very supportive, I just feel I looked weak in hind sight."

44. "Educated."
45. "It helped me to stay strong in the gospel."

46. "It helped but I also took up Competitive Couples Dancing which helped to keep me busy and focus elsewhere."

47. "I'm not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve anyway, so it was business as usual."

48. "It worked well for me as my ward family was close associates and they helped to carry me through."

49. "Isolation, self doubt."

50. "There are not support resources in the church. I became an island, unwanted, isolated, my home teacher bought into her stories and told me to go to hell. The Elders Quorum Presidents wife, looked me in the face and said "I hate you, I've always hated you". My ex's smear campaign turned my divorce into the test of Christianity for the ward. Few passed the test. Many would avoid me. I've seen others go through the same challenge. The Church does not address mental health issues / challenges in marriage. Personality Disorders from abuse do enter into a marriage."

51. "I went to counseling before the divorce and stuck with it, got everything out, dealt with it and recovered quickly."

52. "Helped get it off my chest."

53. "Some encouragement and good advice."

54. "No one came to my aid and I needed help."

55. "Feeling alone in a new state with no new friends. I know that if I venture into the singles scene with same sex attraction that I'll get a lot of judgment. Plus, I'm not interested in marriage or women anymore because no matter how hard a man with this struggles -Women always find a fault."

56. "Amicable divorce."

57. "Drove the women away. Kept feeding my emotions and delayed the healing process. Two weeks after the divorce she moved in with a man she had been dating the last three years of marriage, Spent the nights with him and the days with her children."

58. "I was able to heal and work on moving on with the pain."

59. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

60. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

61. "I am so freakin lonely and my emotions are just barely contained, but I'm wiser, more calm, and introspective."

62. "it ended up strengthening my testimony but alienating some people."

63. "Not sure, but she shared the situation with everyone and some became biased against me so I started sharing with more people."

64. "Everyone told me I had to fix it. Even when I approached her about counseling, she said that I needed to go. Marriage counseling has to be for both, when she told me that I was the one that needed to go, it let me know that what she said the year before was correct, the marriage was over."

65. "Stubborn caring friends bashed through my walls. They helped."

66. "Detachment from people whom I once associated with."

67. "I was looked at as a weakling by church leaders."

68. "Seemed to work. I didn't go crazy, kept my business going, and took care of my then 15 year old daughter."

69. "I felt safer and more at ease."

70. "INTERNAL PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, I FELT VERY ALONE."

71. "SPLITTING UP WAS SUCH A RELIEF THAT I FELT WORSE THAT OUR FAMILY WAS BROKEN UP THAN I DID ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED TO MY EX ANYMORE."

13. Did your marriage affect your health? 

1. Very much.................................................................................30.33%

2. Somewhat..................................................................................39.34%

3. Not at all.....................................................................................30.33%

14. What was your children's reactions to your divorce?

1. Anger at you................................................................................14.78%

2. Anger at your spouse...................................................................16.52%

3. Anger at you and your spouse......................................................18.26%

4. Became distant, moody, kept to themselves..................................32.17%

5. Became rebellious, got into trouble...............................................23.48%

6. Grades dropped in school/participation in activities stopped.........23.48%

7. Church attendance stopped...........................................................20.87%

8. Gained or lost weight......................................................................7.83%

9. Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol.......................................6.96%

10. Ran away from home...................................................................1.74%

11. Took sides with one of the parents..............................................22.61%

12. No changes at all.........................................................................12.71%

13. They were glad for the change....................................................16.52%

14. They improved with their attitudes and happiness.........................6.09%

15. They began to thrive......................................................................5.22%

16. Other.............................................................................................33.04% 

Comments:

1. "Thankfully, my children know who demanded the destruction of their family. I'm thankful that kids are as smart as they are and can see their parents for who/what they truly are."

2. "Her daughter took it the hardest I think. SHe had a lot of anger at the situation. We had a lot of long talks. I did not want that to enter her heart even if she knew the truth. I had to forgive her Mom and so should she. They are doing better now although I believe there is still some resentment. Her 2 boys were different. They didn't say much. She began allowing them to do whatever they wanted (The daughter was married and out of the house) Our daughter is very worried about her brothers. Says she knows her life is the way it is because I was in it. SHe fears the boys will be forever in need of someone else to take care of them. The oldest brother is 21 and has never gotten his drivers license! He just graduated (GED) from high school last year."

3. "Only the eldest has had an emotional reaction."

4. "They were her children of her previous marriage.."

5. "Varied kid to kid."

6. "initially sad and hopeful add reconciliation, then after getting kicked out of mom's home and living with me more, I helped then through and reconcile with mom, I kept stable lifestyle kids could count on and thrived in."

7. "Thankfully, due to immigration processes, my daughter never really remembers our being together."

8. "Have not seen or spoken to them."

9. "They wanted us to stay together."

10. "Luckily no children involved because they are the ones that suffer the worse in the long run."

11. "It didn't make sense to them."

12. "My ex and I worked VERY HARD to make sure our daughter was not affected. This really helped."

13. "They took sides until some of them started to figure out why she left, but didn't want to think ill of their mother."

14. "they were sad but glad. They were afraid of their mother and her friends. The oldest said about a month after mom was gone that the spirit had returned to our home and there is finally peace."

15. "they were unhappy about it, and struggled some, but adapted well."

16. "My oldest daughter took moms side, very belligerent and angry. Her grades have slipped and she has gained a lot of weight. She has had many episodes of anger at the church building school and also at home."

17. "they were as stable as could be hoped, except the youngest daughter - expressing much grief."

18. "I kept the kid out of it much as possible."

19. "only later in life did they express their sadness and how if affected them. my eldest son especially."

20. "The 5 year old was sad but relieved when my ex left. The 3 year old was sad but both adapted (I have full custody)."

21. "Guess they were all relieved I was gone."

22. "son took a long time to potty train, kept wetting the bed."

23. "they were sad but really too young to understand."

24. "I never talked to them about it. She had the children and I walked away."

25. "I'm basically just the guy their mom was married to."

26. "developed severe separation anxiety."

27. "They were glad for the change because they were tired of the tension and contention."

28. "Each of 4 children reacted very differently, 2 older children angry at motehr, 1 younger child angry at me, 1 child 15 yrs old, had extreme reaction became depressed & ran away."

29. "with six kids there were quite an array of actions/comments."

30. "They resent being juggled, but can see that we're all happier now."

LDS DIVORCED MEN'S SURVEY, Part 1

                                  

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part one of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                              

                                            PART ONE

                              

This is a private, very confidential, voluntary survey that is not in any way officiated by the LDS Church. Thank you for helping to gather information that will be used to help educate members and leaders to better support those going through, or having been through divorce. If you are interested in contributing to this ongoing research, please take this survey FOR THE BRETHREN at:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZXJXZXQLDSDIVORCEDMEN

CHRIST'S CHURCH IS FOR ALL

QUESTION NUMBER ONE:

1. If you went inactive because of the divorce, what would it take to make you want to come back?

NUMBER ONE ANSWER: "Fellowshipping"

"I feel isolated and alone in my ward. Its hard to stay motivated to go. A actual friend would be nice." "Unconditional love from other members." "I did for a short time. It took prayers from family and friends on my behalf combined with a good Bishop and good friends who came and visited me to give me the nudge I needed." "Strong support from members of the ward I am to help me get back." " I always want to be active but certain things trigger a since of not feeling like I'm wanted or I'm out of place," "I've already come back after 2 yrs of inactivity and all it took was an invitation. I moved while inactive and for 18 months there was never a knock on my door by the ward (though its my responsibility to go back not theirs) but one day 2 sister missionaries startled me in my garage and simply said "So will we see you on Sunday?" The rest is history." "I did go inactive for a month or two. I knew that I wanted to go back, but it felt so odd being around kids and families. It was difficult to feel accepted." "I just had gone through years of agony in a bad marriage, and then was treated like I had leprosy when my wife left. Just treat me like you did before the divorce. As if divorce isn't hard enough, to have your friends and ward family treat you like you carry the plague....I know the church is true, but the members need to work on being more 'Christ-like.' Christ would never treat His children this way." 

NUMBER TWO ANSWER: "I wish there was a 'Single's Ward.'"

"I like singles wards because singles often feel out of place in traditional married wards. But for those of us over 45...none exist."  "fellowship of single adults',"Fellowshipping of SA," "I wish there was a 'single's ward' to attend with people who have like issues. I'm over 45 and feel like a not-wanted mis-fit." "I no longer felt welcome in the family ward, so I fled to the 'Single's Ward' and found the support and fellowshipping that I needed." "Single's Wards are the best. I started coming again only because there was a group of single friends who took me to the 'single's ward where I felt accepted." 

NUMBER THREE ANSWER: "Family wards should be more aware of the Single's." 

"Not feeling like I am out of place as a single parent. same goes for my kids. People in the Church want to be nice and understanding, but they don't get it. All my kids get is what the ideal is, and never felt comfortable in the situation they were put in because of the parents." "I would say occasionally bringing in some thoughts, talks, or lessons that pertain more to singles. There is so much focus on family (not that that is a bad thing)." "I wish I didn't feel like the 'elephant in the room' when I came to church, or the latest item of gossip." "I wish there were more activities for us in the family wards." 

NUMBER FOUR ANSWER: "Ward leaders could be more supportive."

"I never lost my testimony I just felt so alone like I was the only divorced member of my ward. My ward and stake leadership had no clue how to help me." "More acceptance of humility in the repentance process. Feel like the process degrades you and humiliates you in a bad way. Makes a man want to "shop around" for a more empathetic and understanding Bishop." "I'm currently active, but only because a wonderful home teacher visited me and made sure to let me know that everyone in the ward cared about me." "I wish that the leaders had more training about how to support the Singles, and not make them feel left out." 

NUMBER FIVE ANSWER: "A woman." 

"The love of a good and forgiving woman." "A date or girl friend who is active." "I would probably go more often if I had a female to go for or with." "I returned to church when I was ready to date. I wanted to find a Mormon woman to marry." "When I'm ready to get into another relationship, I will come back to mingle with the ladies in the church." "I need to have a good woman in my life, I would return for that."

COMMENTS: 

*"I did not go inactive - though it felt horrible, coming back to my family ward where I lived prior to my marriage...I felt like a complete failure (married at 40, separated/divorced at 43). I had family in that ward, but it was the friendship of 2 men that truly helped...one was the Elders Quorum President (he had been my home teacher 7 years before when I moved to Utah), and the other was the EQ pres when I got married, later a counselor in the Bishopric - 2 years later and he is now the High Priests Group leader....and still a good friend. It has helped that in his past, he himself had made serious mistakes while a young man, and had difficulties with some of his children - including a suicide. I think that many MANY times, we LDS are so focused on "be ye therefore perfect" (and especially if we ourselves have always walked the straight line and never messed up ourselves in major ways) that we find it rather hard to relate to - or even sympathize - with those who are hurting inside, whether from sin or family dissolution...so many people just have no frame of reference, unless they have gone through trials similar to my HP group leader. We have in our mind the ideal Mormon family as the Osmonds or the homefront TV commercials of the 1970's...as we can't live up to that very easily (hence the overuse of Prozac among Utah LDS women - not including the over prescribing to youth on basis of ADD/ADHD)..."

*"Did go inactive. Came back because I had a testimony, and was tired of living in hypocrisy."

*"My desire for happiness brought me back."

QUESTION NUMBER TWO:

2. What state did you live in at the time of your divorce? 

IN ORDER OF HIGHEST NUMBER:

*Utah and California 

*Texas

*North Carolina

*Idaho, Nevada, Ohio, Washington, Kansas, Pennsylvania

*Georgia, Arizona, Virginia, Missouri, New York

QUESTION NUMBER THREE:

3. Who was the partner to file for divorce? 

I was...............................................................20.0%

She was.........................................................55.9%

It was a joint decision...................................16.1%

QUESTION NUMBER FOUR:

4. What were the reasons for the divorce? 

Infidelity......................................................................52.5%

Personality Disorders/emotional-mental illness:
Bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, 
paranoia, suicidal, psychopathic, etc....................38.4%

Abuse:
Physical, emotional/verbal, sexual, isolation,
control, passive aggressive, stalking, etc.............37.4%

Financial:
No job, not enough money, controls the 
money, lies about the money.................................28.3%

Inability to tell the truth.............................................20.2%

Addiction:
Porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex......16.2% 

Same sex attraction...................................................5.1%
********************************************************************
On my part.................................................................14.1%
On her part.................................................................62.6%
A mix of both..............................................................23.3%

QUESTION NUMBER FIVE:

5. How many years were you married?

Less than one year...................................................1.7%

Between 1 and 5 years..........................................16.1%

Between 6 and 10 years........................................20.3%

Between 11 and 20 years.....................................45.8%

Between 21 and 40 years.....................................16.1%

Over 40 years..............................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SIX: 

6. How many years did you stay in the marriage while it was "bad?"

Less than one.............................................................16.4%

Between 1 and 5........................................................46.6%

Between 6 and 10......................................................19.0%

Between 11 and 20....................................................13.8%

Between 21 and 40......................................................4.3%

More than 40...................................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SEVEN:

7. Once you realized that you were in a bad marriage, what were the reasons for waiting to get out? 

Doing everything I could to fix the marriage............66.7%

The children..................................................................47.9%

Temple Marriage.........................................................44.4%

Fear of others reactions..............................................9.4%

Finances.......................................................................7.7%

No support....................................................................5.1%

Fear of abuse...............................................................2.6%

Other..............................................................................24.8%

Comments:

*"I did everything I could. and to be honest she fought it also. But eventually (and because of some other things going on) I had to allow her to leave. Forcing her to stay isn't any different than choosing divorce IMHO."

*"She was my best friend."

*"I left after she started doing DUI and sleeping with men in my home. I had no money to file for a divorce because she would not contribute to the upkeep of the home or our child."

*"Where still close friends, no intimacy, just good friends."

*"obligation."

*"Fear of Failure, it took me 2 years before I dared to speak to my family about it " 

*"Still love her."

*"I felt I'd be breaking my temple covenants.."

*"fear of living on my own."

*"wife had cancer."

*"I didn't want a divorce as I felt it is one of the worst things that could happen."

*"afraid she would get children and abuse them further."

*"Hoping for me to change."

*"commitment."

*"Started back to the Church."

*"If my ex had been willing to work together on the marriage I would never have filed."

*"I made her file because I found someone else and I did not care."

*"church leaders involved, not trained licensed counselors."

*"Got out as soon as I found out but it took a while."

*"Each time I prayed the Lord said STAY."

*"inertia."

*"Although I say "doing everything I could" hindsight shows I could have done more but wonder if more would have ever been enough."

*"Despair."

*"hope she would change."

*"I FELT LIKE I HAD TO."

 (More to come)

Join our Facebook Group at LDS DIVORCE SURVIVORS.

PERSONAL CONCLUSIONS OF SURVEY, questions 1-9

WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THIS SURVEY

I am no doctor of psychology, or Bishop, or expert in the field of life-ology. But this is MY blog, and I believe that anyone can read a survey and learn something from it as I have. I also happen to be the one conducting the research. So please bear with me as I interpret what I believe to be the conclusions of the year long survey for the LDS Divorced Women.  

The thing about surveys and studies is that they are full of numbers and statistics. This survey is no exception. I feel that the numbers in this case are very powerful and are quite telling. Interestingly enough though, the part that touched me the most were the personal comments.  

Due to the numbers and repeated comments, I chose to record a very small sample of the actual voices of the divorcees. I wanted you to hear what they had to say. Sure, numbers speak for themselves loud and clear, but then there are the comments coming straight from their broken and healing hearts. Nothing is more powerful than their own words.

The sad thing is that I don’t think anyone will read this except other divorce victims. I have hoped that those who have NOT experienced divorce would want to know what they can do to better support this segment of society. But I know better. I know that families are busy and are concerned about their own worlds and schedules. Not because they are bad people, or just don't care. Mostly because they are not aware, and really are busy raising their families and slaying their own dragons. 

I also know that the word “divorce” is not exactly that happy place. It’s like saying “I think I will go study about poop for my spare time.” It is not a pleasant subject, especially for the average “married-successfully” person. I wouldn’t want to dwell there either if I didn't have to, to be honest. I prefer to spend my internet time looking up vacation spots, or tips on beautiful scrapbooking. I’d rather read about broken bones than about broken homes and families. 

Regardless, there is a group of our own people who feel left out, alone, deserted, afraid. They have spoken out, they have stated the out-of-the-ordinary. They have given us their truth about the devastation of life after marriage to the wrong person.

I personally was touched to read their comments. Sometimes I thought what they had to say might offend someone and was tempted not to add it. Then I remembered that I was here to expose the truth. Not sugar coat it. In each statistic there is extreme pain. On occasion there is hope, sprinkled with moments of great charity and healing.

I hope that the information included in this survey is informational and educational. I hope that we can use this information to narrow the gap between divorcees and their ward families. I would hope that each person would walk away from this reading thinking about a divorced person in their ward, neighborhood, family that they are going to call and check on, and ask out to lunch, or to a movie, or just to say hi. 

I'm hoping that these divorce survivors will start to be included into the parties that they were involved in before the divorce took place. I would like to see the word "divorce" lose it's position on the list of sins and transgressions in church members minds. And the stigma of being a "husband snatcher" disappear for all time. In my perfect world everyone who came to church would feel loved, wanted, needed, and appreciated.....no matter what stage of life they are in. 

We are Christ's Church after all. This church is not only for the elite families who are on the fast track to the eternities. We are on Christ's track, all of us, helping each other along as we take turns stumbling and getting back up, putting on band-aids and continuing our hike. 

"The Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, service and love to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father."                                                                ---Elder Joseph B. Worthlin

But I promised to give you my conclusions and thoughts about the survey results.

Question number 1. 
I find it interesting that over 70% of the divorces were initiated by the women in the relationship. I have a rough time believing that it's because the guys are always at fault and are always the jerks. I have seen some pretty miserable marriages where it was obvious that the woman was at fault. I have seen quite a few wives that John Lund would call "porcupines." No matter how bad she was, in these instances, the guy refused to leave and break up the family. I then wonder if men aren't more patient with imperfections than we are as women. I also realize that according to these statistics, most of the women left because the guy was abusive, cheating, personality disorders, or was addicted to something. These kinds of behaviors are dead-ends 99% of the time. But I wonder if there aren't quite a few women out there with the same kinds of craziness but the guy does not leave them. Now, I also understand that women are in more of a vulnerable situation when it comes to abuse, and must do what they can to protect themselves and their children. It just makes me want to survey regular married couples and see how many guys are just hanging on. In my opinion, and from my research, guys are even more co-dependent than women are. Now don't get me wrong, I think the word "co-dependence" has been misused the past 20 years or so. It is not a negative thing to NEED relationships in our lives. It is the way God made us. We inherently need others in our lives. It is not natural to be so independent of other relationships. I believe it leads to narcissism. Everybody needs to be loved. It is the number one human need, even above food and water.  I'm just thinking that men will hang on to a bad relationship longer over the option of being alone, though, in most cases they have the advantage of not having to worry as much for personal safety. Although there have been instances, even among our own surveyed, who would beg to differ.


Question number 2.
I think that the most shocking part of the whole survey is this statistic. The number one reason women leave is for abuse of some sort. We are talking inside the church. Inside a church that teaches us to be Christlike everyday, that specifically teaches the men how to be good Priesthood holders. I tend to wonder if much of the abuse comes from the addictions, if they don't come first? Then the behavior? Or is it generational? I could ask these questions in the survey, but I don't know how open abusers are to admitting they have a problem, and don't tend to blame it on the behaviors of the wife and/or children? "If they would behave properly, I wouldn't have to beat them." Though physical abuse is more rampant than we want to believe, many who have been through the emotional abuse claim that it was worse than physical. If they are beat, it is obvious to others and easier to get out. The bruises heal, the ego takes a little longer. But crazy-making, manipulations, passive aggressive behaviors are harder to be seen by others, making it harder to get out of and have any type of support team. Women tend to get out sooner with physical abuse, where emotional can go on forever, and the damage take longer to undo.

As a woman, the idea that I find interesting is when a guy cheats on his wife and then, when caught, announces "but it didn't mean anything to me." I am still trying to comprehend why guys think that this will make a difference in their case. Maybe a guy can explain this to me. From time immemorial guys have believed that it is ok for them to mess around, but not the woman. Cheaters are very protective of their wives and would not be very happy to find that their wives were doing the same to them. Another question for the men. And when I say "men," I am saying the "natural man," not ALL MEN. The old saying "what is good for the goose is good for the gander." Not according to THOSE men. If you remember, when Mary Magdalene was brought before Jesus for adultery, did you ever wonder where the man was in this scenario? It obviously takes two to tango. Why were not two thrown down at his feet? And when Jesus said that he who was without sin cast the first stone, I believe he was meaning this very kind of sin. I believe he was saying, in His way, that He knew them to also be adulterous. I believe that man has tried, and successfully, to place blame on the women for their infidelities. I understand that men are more "revved up" for a better term, sexually. I also know that while I am not a man, that our main purpose for coming to earth was to gain a body. Then our hardest task was to make our spirit master over that body. The "natural man" is an enemy to God, therefore, our struggle is to every day, every minute, be above what our flesh is craving. Mastering ourselves. If it was not humanly possible, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" would not be part of our ten commandments. So, no, it is not ok for men to sleep around, even if it "meant nothing" to them. If you try to tell me it is because your "woman doesn't perform" I'll probably slap you silly. If a woman has no joy in the sexual part of  your relationship, then it very likely is the fruits of your relationship. If you are not taking care of her, loving her, helping her with household duties and the children, adoring and cherishing and appreciating her, and being a good lover....she will not respond in bed. Period. A happy wife "performs." It's only natural. This is where you want to make your investment of time and effort. And then you will reap the rewards.

I feel greatly for the couple who is trying to overcome addiction. My hat goes off to those women (or men) who stick by their stricken partner and try to support them through recovery. I don't know if I would be that strong personally, so I admire those who do. I also do not judge those who cannot. Porn is like a drug that washes over the brain and changes them. It is one of Satan's greatest tools for completely incapacitating a human being in their ability to accomplish their life's mission. The same thing with any kind of addiction. It is like pulling the plug on a toaster and expecting it to still toast your bread. It just can't, and it doesn't want to, and it doesn't care that it doesn't want to. I was speaking to a bishop of a married ward at BYU. He told me ten years ago that 2/3 of his ward's brethren were addicted to porn. These are the cream of the crop of our youngsters. It's tempting to move out to a cabin with no internet or television just to save our boys and girls from pornography's harmful effects.

Question number 3.
It appears that most of the divorces take place within the first ten years. This coincides with national statistics as well. The only difference is that in the church most divorces take place in the first five years, then the next five years is the next largest. I think this is a good sign, that the hypocrites, mismatches are quickly remedied. I have too often heard the sad story of women in particular who fall for guys who are putting on the "Peter Priesthood" act, which does not last after marriage. This kind of act is hard to keep up and is most often dropped during the honeymoon. "They changed personalities after the altar" is a common story in the church, both male and female. For some reason the predatory personalities prefer the sweet and innocent as spouses, they tend to be naive and will never guess what they are up to, even if it is blatant.

                                                           NATIONAL STATISTICS

4 & 5. Once a woman realizes that the marriage is not to be saved, she still stays and sometimes for a very long time. Why? One tenth get out within the first year. The majority stick it out for between 1 and 20 years. Only 4.7% divorce after 20 years, and very few, if any, after 40 years of marriage.

I want to address the last statistic, why few divorce after 40 years. Some might believe that the older folks come from a different time when people just stuck it out. It just wasn't done in those days. "You made your bed, now sleep in it..." kind of thinking. There were those who were meant to be happy in marriage and those who weren't. It was a crap-shoot. You just hoped you'd be the lucky one.

Divorces were harder to get in those days, and fault had to be proved. Someone had to have had an affair, or had to have been extremely abusive, or some such extreme case. Even then, women were expected to "know their place" and take whatever was given to them, regardless. Some of that belief is still prevalent today.

Many states started moving towards "no-fault" divorces, and the divorce rate increased tremendously. With the court system being a little easier to navigate, many women jumped at the chance to get out of their bad marriage. Yet many women still hesitated to. Taking into consideration that most women (going through divorce) are dealing with abuse on some level, cheating spouses, personality disorders, or addictions....not to mention those who have discovered the true identity of their homo-sexual-pretending-to-be-straight partner. These women see those who "have it" in their marriage relationship, the ones who walk hand in hand along the shore, who steal a kiss while the kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, those magical few who share that "look" when they think no one else is looking. Don't think they don't see those families on the fast track to the eternities, and don't think that this image is what they aren't aching for every inch of their bodies, in every part of their souls.

I recognize, now, those marriages that are just surviving. My husband and I volunteered for a sealing assignment at the temple this morning. A few couples joined us from the ward. Two of the couples had that gleam in their eye when they looked at each other over the alter. It was the same one I was sharing with my sweet husband. Then there was the one couple who could not make eye contact. She glued her eyes to the sealer, and he to the altar. I recognized the great effort it took to avoid looking at each other, I used to do the same thing with my first husband. As obvious as it was to me watching them, I wondered if others watched us and thought the same thing. Or did I notice it because I had been there?
Was my look of hopelessness as obvious as was this woman's? There is the magic word, hope. Sometimes we hold onto hope too long.

We want to believe that if we just live a little bit better, if we just read the right "Fix Your Marriage" book, or take enough classes on marriage, that one day our family will look like that too. In some cases that may do the trick, but when dealing with personality disorders, addictions, grown adults who have been raised badly with dysfunctioning parents, or whatever the excuse, nothing that the woman does will change anything. Then the question arises as to why we wait so long once we come to the realization that there is no hope for that "eternal family" with this partner?

Most stated emphatically that because they were married in the temple, they could not "break their covenant." If the marriage covenant is looked upon this way then to some it is considered a life time and eternal prison sentence. It means that you are stuck with this horrid person for the eternities. Too bad for you, you chose poorly. God's plan is a plan of happiness, not misery. He means for us to have the same kind of happiness that He has. One of the most amazing joys in our existence is to be loved romantically, to be cherished and protected and cared for. This is what our loving Heavenly Father wants for us. If we are young and foolish and choose a mate from our limited life's experiences during that "I-know-everything" stage and are expected to live with the consequences for the eternities, that does not sound like a very loving Father to me. I am truly surprised that there are any who marry well the first time. Thank heavens there are. Otherwise there would be no example for the rest of us, and no hope for us to look forward to.

In most cases the covenant had been broken already by the cheating, addicted, abusive partner not living up to his covenants. I am convinced that the "everlasting covenant of marriage" was never meant to be considered as prison gates, but as a protection to a family. It was not meant as an "owner's manual" to the vindictive, controlling partner. I do not believe that a loving Heavenly Father wants any of his children to be abused, or stuck in a dead end life. I believe that He believes in new beginnings. Having a chance to be "born-again" and start over. Even if it means putting aside a temple sealing with the wrong person, and making it right, to someone who is deserving and worthy.

The ones who stuck it out the longest was because there were children involved. I know many who stayed in until their children were of age to not be fought over in court and made to choose. The next highest was because they could not afford to leave. The husband had control of the finances, and would not give them an attorney allowance. Many of these women had been "stay-at-home" moms, or if they did work, they did not make enough to take on all of the extra expense of legal fees.

Most were afraid of the reactions of their associates in and out of the church. Divorce is not very popular in the church, and a woman leaving a man is considered the worst kind of woman. It is not a pretty picture, and is one I am hoping to dispel, at least to some degree. "Men are that they might have joy." Some men believe that statement literally, meaning men only are entitled to happiness. "Woman are that they might help men have joy."

Don't get me wrong, I am no feminist. But I do believe that Heavenly Father loves His daughters as much as He does His sons. I also do not believe that they are on earth to be exploited by men. "Help-meet" means "partner." A man and a woman who spends their lives trying to make the other happy is the highest of joys that can be attained in this life. It is the most basic of human needs. To love and be loved. Unfortunately, even women buy into this "lot of women."

Members of a family ward can be the most cruel of all in a person's circle of support when it comes to divorce, and the worst supporters can be the other women. I understand now why women wait for so long until they can no longer take it. They know that they will be sacrificing their standing in society, their reputation, their support, and their friends. As bad as they think it is going to be, it is usually worse. Getting support from the men is not much better, though some have had it at some level. There is every reason to understand why women fear to face the "church" and sever their marriage vows.

Some fear their husbands wrath once they find out they are "escaping." Some have the fear of their husbands winning the children in the court battle. Others have asked in prayer for a confirmation in their decision and waited until they got the go ahead. And the saddest scenario of all is when she still loves him. There is the heart break. Often the negative behavior of the spouse has chased away all affection, but not always.

In all cases, it is hard. It takes incredible courage and strength. It is a lonely battle, one that no one can understand unless they have been through it themselves. If you have a supportive group of friends and family, you truly are blessed indeed. Then hold on tight for the nightmare of your life!

6. How big of a trial was this for you?

96% believe divorce is a major trial. No surprise there. Only 4% felt like it was no big deal. I am surprised that it was that high actually. How does one go through the divorce process unscathed? The court system alone condones a battle field. You get attorneys involved who want to drag out the process so they can make as much money as possible, and who often either over dramatize non-issues, or over look important issues. Most laws lean in favor of the women as far as getting the house and children goes. But many times they are also saddled with the debt. I remember my family law attorney friend telling me how much he hated doing divorce. He said "No one wins." No matter what the results are at the end of the day, neither will be happy. They never get all that they wanted, a family has been split up, both are poorer than they were before, and everyone involved feels destroyed. "No one wins." 

7. During the divorce did you ever consider committing suicide or running away, or both? 

A little less than half of women had thoughts of suicide or running away during the divorce, or both. This is another indicator of just how hard it is for those going through the divorce process. It takes a lot of courage to come to the point of making the hard decision to leave. In almost every case, as much as they dread the back-lash of everyone's reactions to the news, it is usually worse than they could ever have imagined. At the time it feels insurmountable. It seems like life is over, and will never be the same. It is true, it will never be the same, hopefully it will be better. Financially it may or may not be. If there is abuse, infidelity, addiction in the equation, the lack of these things will be better. But with it also comes the feeling of loss of that relationship for most. Once upon a time he was your best friend, your lover, your confidant. The next he is your enemy, too often doing things to you that you never knew he could. My daughter's mother-in-law gave her some good advice during my divorce. She was baffled at the craziness of her parents during they period of time. She wisely counseled "never judge a person during a divorce, you will see the ugliest sides of a person, they are both fighting desperately for their future survival and the animal comes out in them, spurred on by the court system." It is so true. Even those who have tried to have an amicable separation have been forced into the "boxing ring" by the legal system.

For me it was the first time I felt like living. I was looking forward to having the experience of being loved for a change. I felt like I had been set free from my cage. Even so, the process of divorce, with all of the gossiping from friends and ward members, distance from those who should have stepped forward to offer support, and loss of relationships, it's never a pleasant experience to plow through. Counseling is imperative to survival in these cases. We have to have SOMEONE to talk to about what we are going through even if we have to pay them to do so. We all survived and knew that quitting was not an option. Suicide is not an option in our church, we know that there are heavy penalties when we face our master. It doesn't solve anything but makes it worse. A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

8. What were the ages of your children when going through the divorce? 

That the highest age group was elementary age shouldn't surprise anyone. That is long enough to have children, recognize problems, try to solve the problems, continue to try to work them out, and then find your way out. But for many, like myself, ending the marriage was just not an option. My mom was married to a horrible man, and didn't leave him until he was in prison. My grandma stuck with her alcoholic husband until death. So I figured all marriages were miserable. And I stayed until I came to the realization that staying was not an option any longer. So often we stick it out until the kids are grown and gone. But one thing is true for all. No matter what age they are, divorce tries the children to the core. Some never recover. Some recover faster once the parent leaves the abuse. My parents divorced when I was married for 23 years. I'm sure it was hard for my brothers, but I thought "it's about time." I could have stayed in a bad situation forever too. But what kind of message would that be for my daughters? No matter how badly you are treated, you have to STAY with him? No. Not my girls. Marriage is supposed to be the happiest state of this life. That connection between man and woman is something we all desire, dream about, read novels about. When it becomes a prison sentence, then we are missing out on the best this life has to offer. We just can't be stuck with a decision that we made when we were young and dumb. I don't care if it was in the temple, I don't want to waste another moment of my eternity with the wrong guy, and I might as well be investing in my eternal mate. Children will not understand that. Period. If we could all use a crystal ball when we find a potential mate, it would protect us all from the ravages of an abusive/addictive/cheating marriage followed by a messy divorce. Until then, all we can do is our best to make a happy life with whatever we are dealt. Children eventually come around. 

9. During the divorce, how I communicated with those around me.......

I was hoping to find the magic answer for the best way to plow through a divorce. But no matter what angle she pursued, she felt isolated and deserted. If she told others what she was going through, they would run away. If she didn't tell them, they would run away. No one likes the toxicity of divorce. It is like that "alligator under the bed" that everyone fears. It is everyone's greatest fears that their parents would divorce, or that their spouse would leave them. They see a divorcing person as someone falling down a well, reaching out for someone to stop their fall. Those watching the decent see that anyone who grasps on to this person is going to fall down the well with them. Though it is not true, and their fears are based on the unknown, it is a knee-jerk and typical reaction for people, no matter how close you thought you were. I lost 75% of my friends. Certain family stepped forward, and many disappeared. I kept my problems to myself through the whole marriage because if I tried to tell them that our "picture perfect" family was fake, they would get angry with me. There were some major red flags, and if I mentioned them I was immediately shut down. Instead I got "how does it feel to be married to the most Christ-like man that ever lived?" Eventually I stopped talking. I guess I wasn't surprised when my friends were so shocked at the announcement. If they had been good friends and had listened to me, they wouldn't have been so much in the dark. I wonder if we can't work on our "friend-skills" a little in this life? How many of our friends are "fair-weather" friends only? "Until problems do you part?" It's good to know who your "through thick and thin" friends really are. The biggest thing a friend can do when someone is going through a divorce is listen. Just listen. We have to get stuff off our chest, then we feel better. We may even have to say the same thing over and over again for a while. Then someday it gets better, and then it will be my turn to listen to you. That's what friends are all about.