LDS DIVORCED MEN'S SURVEY, Part 1

                                  

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part one of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                              

                                            PART ONE

                              

This is a private, very confidential, voluntary survey that is not in any way officiated by the LDS Church. Thank you for helping to gather information that will be used to help educate members and leaders to better support those going through, or having been through divorce. If you are interested in contributing to this ongoing research, please take this survey FOR THE BRETHREN at:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZXJXZXQLDSDIVORCEDMEN

CHRIST'S CHURCH IS FOR ALL

QUESTION NUMBER ONE:

1. If you went inactive because of the divorce, what would it take to make you want to come back?

NUMBER ONE ANSWER: "Fellowshipping"

"I feel isolated and alone in my ward. Its hard to stay motivated to go. A actual friend would be nice." "Unconditional love from other members." "I did for a short time. It took prayers from family and friends on my behalf combined with a good Bishop and good friends who came and visited me to give me the nudge I needed." "Strong support from members of the ward I am to help me get back." " I always want to be active but certain things trigger a since of not feeling like I'm wanted or I'm out of place," "I've already come back after 2 yrs of inactivity and all it took was an invitation. I moved while inactive and for 18 months there was never a knock on my door by the ward (though its my responsibility to go back not theirs) but one day 2 sister missionaries startled me in my garage and simply said "So will we see you on Sunday?" The rest is history." "I did go inactive for a month or two. I knew that I wanted to go back, but it felt so odd being around kids and families. It was difficult to feel accepted." "I just had gone through years of agony in a bad marriage, and then was treated like I had leprosy when my wife left. Just treat me like you did before the divorce. As if divorce isn't hard enough, to have your friends and ward family treat you like you carry the plague....I know the church is true, but the members need to work on being more 'Christ-like.' Christ would never treat His children this way." 

NUMBER TWO ANSWER: "I wish there was a 'Single's Ward.'"

"I like singles wards because singles often feel out of place in traditional married wards. But for those of us over 45...none exist."  "fellowship of single adults',"Fellowshipping of SA," "I wish there was a 'single's ward' to attend with people who have like issues. I'm over 45 and feel like a not-wanted mis-fit." "I no longer felt welcome in the family ward, so I fled to the 'Single's Ward' and found the support and fellowshipping that I needed." "Single's Wards are the best. I started coming again only because there was a group of single friends who took me to the 'single's ward where I felt accepted." 

NUMBER THREE ANSWER: "Family wards should be more aware of the Single's." 

"Not feeling like I am out of place as a single parent. same goes for my kids. People in the Church want to be nice and understanding, but they don't get it. All my kids get is what the ideal is, and never felt comfortable in the situation they were put in because of the parents." "I would say occasionally bringing in some thoughts, talks, or lessons that pertain more to singles. There is so much focus on family (not that that is a bad thing)." "I wish I didn't feel like the 'elephant in the room' when I came to church, or the latest item of gossip." "I wish there were more activities for us in the family wards." 

NUMBER FOUR ANSWER: "Ward leaders could be more supportive."

"I never lost my testimony I just felt so alone like I was the only divorced member of my ward. My ward and stake leadership had no clue how to help me." "More acceptance of humility in the repentance process. Feel like the process degrades you and humiliates you in a bad way. Makes a man want to "shop around" for a more empathetic and understanding Bishop." "I'm currently active, but only because a wonderful home teacher visited me and made sure to let me know that everyone in the ward cared about me." "I wish that the leaders had more training about how to support the Singles, and not make them feel left out." 

NUMBER FIVE ANSWER: "A woman." 

"The love of a good and forgiving woman." "A date or girl friend who is active." "I would probably go more often if I had a female to go for or with." "I returned to church when I was ready to date. I wanted to find a Mormon woman to marry." "When I'm ready to get into another relationship, I will come back to mingle with the ladies in the church." "I need to have a good woman in my life, I would return for that."

COMMENTS: 

*"I did not go inactive - though it felt horrible, coming back to my family ward where I lived prior to my marriage...I felt like a complete failure (married at 40, separated/divorced at 43). I had family in that ward, but it was the friendship of 2 men that truly helped...one was the Elders Quorum President (he had been my home teacher 7 years before when I moved to Utah), and the other was the EQ pres when I got married, later a counselor in the Bishopric - 2 years later and he is now the High Priests Group leader....and still a good friend. It has helped that in his past, he himself had made serious mistakes while a young man, and had difficulties with some of his children - including a suicide. I think that many MANY times, we LDS are so focused on "be ye therefore perfect" (and especially if we ourselves have always walked the straight line and never messed up ourselves in major ways) that we find it rather hard to relate to - or even sympathize - with those who are hurting inside, whether from sin or family dissolution...so many people just have no frame of reference, unless they have gone through trials similar to my HP group leader. We have in our mind the ideal Mormon family as the Osmonds or the homefront TV commercials of the 1970's...as we can't live up to that very easily (hence the overuse of Prozac among Utah LDS women - not including the over prescribing to youth on basis of ADD/ADHD)..."

*"Did go inactive. Came back because I had a testimony, and was tired of living in hypocrisy."

*"My desire for happiness brought me back."

QUESTION NUMBER TWO:

2. What state did you live in at the time of your divorce? 

IN ORDER OF HIGHEST NUMBER:

*Utah and California 

*Texas

*North Carolina

*Idaho, Nevada, Ohio, Washington, Kansas, Pennsylvania

*Georgia, Arizona, Virginia, Missouri, New York

QUESTION NUMBER THREE:

3. Who was the partner to file for divorce? 

I was...............................................................20.0%

She was.........................................................55.9%

It was a joint decision...................................16.1%

QUESTION NUMBER FOUR:

4. What were the reasons for the divorce? 

Infidelity......................................................................52.5%

Personality Disorders/emotional-mental illness:
Bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, 
paranoia, suicidal, psychopathic, etc....................38.4%

Abuse:
Physical, emotional/verbal, sexual, isolation,
control, passive aggressive, stalking, etc.............37.4%

Financial:
No job, not enough money, controls the 
money, lies about the money.................................28.3%

Inability to tell the truth.............................................20.2%

Addiction:
Porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex......16.2% 

Same sex attraction...................................................5.1%
********************************************************************
On my part.................................................................14.1%
On her part.................................................................62.6%
A mix of both..............................................................23.3%

QUESTION NUMBER FIVE:

5. How many years were you married?

Less than one year...................................................1.7%

Between 1 and 5 years..........................................16.1%

Between 6 and 10 years........................................20.3%

Between 11 and 20 years.....................................45.8%

Between 21 and 40 years.....................................16.1%

Over 40 years..............................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SIX: 

6. How many years did you stay in the marriage while it was "bad?"

Less than one.............................................................16.4%

Between 1 and 5........................................................46.6%

Between 6 and 10......................................................19.0%

Between 11 and 20....................................................13.8%

Between 21 and 40......................................................4.3%

More than 40...................................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SEVEN:

7. Once you realized that you were in a bad marriage, what were the reasons for waiting to get out? 

Doing everything I could to fix the marriage............66.7%

The children..................................................................47.9%

Temple Marriage.........................................................44.4%

Fear of others reactions..............................................9.4%

Finances.......................................................................7.7%

No support....................................................................5.1%

Fear of abuse...............................................................2.6%

Other..............................................................................24.8%

Comments:

*"I did everything I could. and to be honest she fought it also. But eventually (and because of some other things going on) I had to allow her to leave. Forcing her to stay isn't any different than choosing divorce IMHO."

*"She was my best friend."

*"I left after she started doing DUI and sleeping with men in my home. I had no money to file for a divorce because she would not contribute to the upkeep of the home or our child."

*"Where still close friends, no intimacy, just good friends."

*"obligation."

*"Fear of Failure, it took me 2 years before I dared to speak to my family about it " 

*"Still love her."

*"I felt I'd be breaking my temple covenants.."

*"fear of living on my own."

*"wife had cancer."

*"I didn't want a divorce as I felt it is one of the worst things that could happen."

*"afraid she would get children and abuse them further."

*"Hoping for me to change."

*"commitment."

*"Started back to the Church."

*"If my ex had been willing to work together on the marriage I would never have filed."

*"I made her file because I found someone else and I did not care."

*"church leaders involved, not trained licensed counselors."

*"Got out as soon as I found out but it took a while."

*"Each time I prayed the Lord said STAY."

*"inertia."

*"Although I say "doing everything I could" hindsight shows I could have done more but wonder if more would have ever been enough."

*"Despair."

*"hope she would change."

*"I FELT LIKE I HAD TO."

 (More to come)

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