LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 2

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part two of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                      PART TWO

QUESTION NUMBERS EIGHT-FOURTEEN

8. How Large of a Trial Was This For You? 

1. The worst trial of my life........................................................71.3%

2. A definite trial, but I've had worse.........................................24.59%

3. Not a big deal..........................................................................3.28%

4. A delightful experience............................................................. .82%

9. Did you ever have suicidal thoughts of 

suicide or running away during the divorce?

1. Both suicide & running away...................................................14.88%

2. No............................................................................................57.85%

3. Suicide......................................................................................19.01%

4. Running away............................................................................8.26%

10. What were the ages of your children (if

any) at the time of the divorce?

1. Infants.........................................................................................6.25%

2. Toddlers/Preschoolers................................................................36.61%

3. Elementary School.....................................................................55.36%

4. Jr. High......................................................................................29.46%

5. High School...............................................................................35.71%

6. College/Young Adult.................................................................21.43%

7. Married/Older Single Adults......................................................13.39%

11. During and after the divorce I:

1. Kept my emotions to myself, putting on a brave front................33.61%

2. Showed my emotions to close associates only............................40.16%

3. Was free with my emotions........................................................13.93%

4. Withdrew from society and kept to myself.................................27.87%

5. Clung to family and friends for support......................................27.05%

12. What were the results from your approach?

1." I learned that we can take nothing for granted, because, we may never get another chance!!!!"

2. "Healing."

3. "I received considerable family and friend support but proved to be a negative in subsequent dating."

4. "A lot of people are void of compassion and don't want to hear about other people's problems. Latter-Day Saints are huge hypocrites when it comes to "morning with those that mourn".

5. "I chose not to tell my family all that had gone on because I did not want any Judgements, even towards her. Our Bishop doesn't even know the entire story. Only a few select very close friends do. and in fact I didn't even meet them until after we separated. They were with me through the actual divorce and many other trials. I have found the greatest support through some amazing friends that I literally met on FB! I had support that I never received from any church member who knew me. The friends are all LDS as well. And from different States. But I have been blessed to be able to meet them. And one I see regularly who has become my best friend."

6. "I got full custody of my 3 daughters and life is good because the church teaches self sufficiency."

7. "It finally spilled all out when a Bishop asked me if I wanted to talk.. I really needed to let it all go... He gave me a Priesthood Blessing after, and I was much better."

8. "A break down a year and a half after the divorce during deployment to Afghanistan."

9. "Loneliness, depression."

10. "alcohol, drugs and self harm."

11. "I wasn't being man enough to put an end to it."

12. "Drove me to counseling within a month. Spent 9 months in counseling to start to scab over the deep wounds. Took 5 years to heal with zero help from the church. In fact it was horrible from the church, they just could not understand."

13. "Usually helpful, exhausting for others. Concerned that all I did was complained, but was just focusing on how to eliminate the negatives so she could see positives. And mainly to help kids through it all."

14. "Several of my family members initially said I was a liar and aligned themselves with my ex. In the last two years since the official separation, all but two have come around and realized that I was not the liar, cheater or thief."

15. "I felt I had no choice. It was depressing and left me constantly tired."

16. "I received a tremendous amount of support from my family."

17. "I pushed my family away and it wrecked my career."

18. "Good. My friends and family supported me."

19. "When my marriage was failing, I put on the brave front approach. As the divorce was imminent and eventually filed withdrew from society (i.e. church) and clung to the support offered by friends and family who had experienced what I was going through. The results? Despite not having family geographically close I feel I have a good support system (not perfect) for me and my kids."

20. "It's just how I am - not everyone needs to see me wearing my emotions. I don't know what the results were compared to some other approach."

21. "Positive. I have avenues to express emotions and thoughts to those who would not degrade me. I also had mature and balanced people who would let me know if I was in the right and even when I am wrong in dealing with every situation."

22. "It dragged on far too long before I had reason to see my concerns as valid - whereas she was frequently telling her daughters how bad I was / letting them continue with the image of me as a horrible immoral husband."

23. "I moved on."

24. "I was withdrawn from society and I kept to myself."

25."I became even lonelier than before."

26. "It helped keep most of my life (outside of the marriage) pretty normal."

27. "I now some of the closest friends ever and a few new ones."

28. "Support from family and friends."

29. "Finding comfort in the wrong places."

30. "I lost contact with many of my friends and it led me to go inactive."

31. "I did break down crying once outside my bishop's office while waiting to meet with him. It was really hard to deal with it and my family tried to support me but knew that I had to work through it."

32. "They were my support group and without them, I would have gone insane."

33. "It has been a very healthy, liberating experience."

34. "Unhappiness but thankful for support I got."

35. "I finally realized the harder I tried to reconcile with my wife who left me, the more antagonistic she became. I finally realized after 15 months since she left, I was forced to sign off."

36. "Feeling isolation and abused by leadership and especially by lack of support from the relief society which went out of the way to punish me for getting custody."

37. "Too much info about our divorce got out."

38. "I found it a good "middle way" not keeping it bottled up but not wearing my emotions on my sleeve either."

39. "Loneliness, depression."

40. "An Affair."

41. "varied results from different people."

42. "Just lonely a lot. Didn't have much time for friends or socializing."

43. "I wish I would have kept more things to myself. My friends, family and colleagues were great and very supportive, I just feel I looked weak in hind sight."

44. "Educated."
45. "It helped me to stay strong in the gospel."

46. "It helped but I also took up Competitive Couples Dancing which helped to keep me busy and focus elsewhere."

47. "I'm not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve anyway, so it was business as usual."

48. "It worked well for me as my ward family was close associates and they helped to carry me through."

49. "Isolation, self doubt."

50. "There are not support resources in the church. I became an island, unwanted, isolated, my home teacher bought into her stories and told me to go to hell. The Elders Quorum Presidents wife, looked me in the face and said "I hate you, I've always hated you". My ex's smear campaign turned my divorce into the test of Christianity for the ward. Few passed the test. Many would avoid me. I've seen others go through the same challenge. The Church does not address mental health issues / challenges in marriage. Personality Disorders from abuse do enter into a marriage."

51. "I went to counseling before the divorce and stuck with it, got everything out, dealt with it and recovered quickly."

52. "Helped get it off my chest."

53. "Some encouragement and good advice."

54. "No one came to my aid and I needed help."

55. "Feeling alone in a new state with no new friends. I know that if I venture into the singles scene with same sex attraction that I'll get a lot of judgment. Plus, I'm not interested in marriage or women anymore because no matter how hard a man with this struggles -Women always find a fault."

56. "Amicable divorce."

57. "Drove the women away. Kept feeding my emotions and delayed the healing process. Two weeks after the divorce she moved in with a man she had been dating the last three years of marriage, Spent the nights with him and the days with her children."

58. "I was able to heal and work on moving on with the pain."

59. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

60. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

61. "I am so freakin lonely and my emotions are just barely contained, but I'm wiser, more calm, and introspective."

62. "it ended up strengthening my testimony but alienating some people."

63. "Not sure, but she shared the situation with everyone and some became biased against me so I started sharing with more people."

64. "Everyone told me I had to fix it. Even when I approached her about counseling, she said that I needed to go. Marriage counseling has to be for both, when she told me that I was the one that needed to go, it let me know that what she said the year before was correct, the marriage was over."

65. "Stubborn caring friends bashed through my walls. They helped."

66. "Detachment from people whom I once associated with."

67. "I was looked at as a weakling by church leaders."

68. "Seemed to work. I didn't go crazy, kept my business going, and took care of my then 15 year old daughter."

69. "I felt safer and more at ease."

70. "INTERNAL PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, I FELT VERY ALONE."

71. "SPLITTING UP WAS SUCH A RELIEF THAT I FELT WORSE THAT OUR FAMILY WAS BROKEN UP THAN I DID ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED TO MY EX ANYMORE."

13. Did your marriage affect your health? 

1. Very much.................................................................................30.33%

2. Somewhat..................................................................................39.34%

3. Not at all.....................................................................................30.33%

14. What was your children's reactions to your divorce?

1. Anger at you................................................................................14.78%

2. Anger at your spouse...................................................................16.52%

3. Anger at you and your spouse......................................................18.26%

4. Became distant, moody, kept to themselves..................................32.17%

5. Became rebellious, got into trouble...............................................23.48%

6. Grades dropped in school/participation in activities stopped.........23.48%

7. Church attendance stopped...........................................................20.87%

8. Gained or lost weight......................................................................7.83%

9. Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol.......................................6.96%

10. Ran away from home...................................................................1.74%

11. Took sides with one of the parents..............................................22.61%

12. No changes at all.........................................................................12.71%

13. They were glad for the change....................................................16.52%

14. They improved with their attitudes and happiness.........................6.09%

15. They began to thrive......................................................................5.22%

16. Other.............................................................................................33.04% 

Comments:

1. "Thankfully, my children know who demanded the destruction of their family. I'm thankful that kids are as smart as they are and can see their parents for who/what they truly are."

2. "Her daughter took it the hardest I think. SHe had a lot of anger at the situation. We had a lot of long talks. I did not want that to enter her heart even if she knew the truth. I had to forgive her Mom and so should she. They are doing better now although I believe there is still some resentment. Her 2 boys were different. They didn't say much. She began allowing them to do whatever they wanted (The daughter was married and out of the house) Our daughter is very worried about her brothers. Says she knows her life is the way it is because I was in it. SHe fears the boys will be forever in need of someone else to take care of them. The oldest brother is 21 and has never gotten his drivers license! He just graduated (GED) from high school last year."

3. "Only the eldest has had an emotional reaction."

4. "They were her children of her previous marriage.."

5. "Varied kid to kid."

6. "initially sad and hopeful add reconciliation, then after getting kicked out of mom's home and living with me more, I helped then through and reconcile with mom, I kept stable lifestyle kids could count on and thrived in."

7. "Thankfully, due to immigration processes, my daughter never really remembers our being together."

8. "Have not seen or spoken to them."

9. "They wanted us to stay together."

10. "Luckily no children involved because they are the ones that suffer the worse in the long run."

11. "It didn't make sense to them."

12. "My ex and I worked VERY HARD to make sure our daughter was not affected. This really helped."

13. "They took sides until some of them started to figure out why she left, but didn't want to think ill of their mother."

14. "they were sad but glad. They were afraid of their mother and her friends. The oldest said about a month after mom was gone that the spirit had returned to our home and there is finally peace."

15. "they were unhappy about it, and struggled some, but adapted well."

16. "My oldest daughter took moms side, very belligerent and angry. Her grades have slipped and she has gained a lot of weight. She has had many episodes of anger at the church building school and also at home."

17. "they were as stable as could be hoped, except the youngest daughter - expressing much grief."

18. "I kept the kid out of it much as possible."

19. "only later in life did they express their sadness and how if affected them. my eldest son especially."

20. "The 5 year old was sad but relieved when my ex left. The 3 year old was sad but both adapted (I have full custody)."

21. "Guess they were all relieved I was gone."

22. "son took a long time to potty train, kept wetting the bed."

23. "they were sad but really too young to understand."

24. "I never talked to them about it. She had the children and I walked away."

25. "I'm basically just the guy their mom was married to."

26. "developed severe separation anxiety."

27. "They were glad for the change because they were tired of the tension and contention."

28. "Each of 4 children reacted very differently, 2 older children angry at motehr, 1 younger child angry at me, 1 child 15 yrs old, had extreme reaction became depressed & ran away."

29. "with six kids there were quite an array of actions/comments."

30. "They resent being juggled, but can see that we're all happier now."