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| Loneliness drives us into the much feared dating scene.... |
Few words strike terror in
the hearts of so many like the word “DATING.” Yet, loneliness is one of the most painful of experiences this life has to offer. Unfortunately, in order to find companionship, we have to date, and what was once an
enjoyable experience for getting to know a potential life partner has become
something to be feared. It seems that there are more “weirdos” than ever in our
society. I have my ideas why, that have to do with fewer children in families,
breeding an atmosphere of spoiled and “the world revolves around me” “narcissistic”
children.
Other reasons would be our
“must be satisfied now” society of porn, alcohol, and drug addicts. Any kind of
addiction can lead to sociopathy and narcissism, which leads to abuse and
neglect, etc.
Some of our “weirdos” are
abuse victims themselves, or have some other shame based past that prevents
them from being genuine. Whatever the reason, they have chosen to take the path
toward perversion and control, making those in their circle of influence
victims of their brokenness.
The world has many different
names for these “broken” people. Narcissists, sociopaths, RAD’s (Reactive
Attachment Disorder), Pathological Liar, Addicts, Abusers,
Psychopaths, Social immaturity, Insecurity, or just plain toxic people that Dr. John Lund calls a “porcupine,” etc. We could spend a lot of time on the
differences of each disorder, and the similarities in many cases, but I think
that for this post we will just call them “jerks.”
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| "Broken people can come across as confident, strong, charming....but inside are very messed up. |
Now, lest you think that I don’t have compassion on broken people, let me preface my remarks by saying that these “broken people” (jerks) have chosen to be jerks. They love to be jerks. They want to be jerks. Not everyone who has been abused has decided to be a jerk, but all jerks have had some kind of abuse, neglect, over indulgence, addiction, or some other type of a bad childhood. And, heaven help them, sometimes they just come that way (those darn genes).
Everyone goes through trials, and each have the decision how they will come out of them.
- They choose the path that Christ has set out for them, to become humble, contrite, stronger, more understanding of others also going through trials, and wanting to serve God.
- They choose the path that Satan has set out for them, to become angry, bitter, vengeful, selfish, fake, and lacking of empathy for others.
Even so, they are children of God, and He loves them. But that does not mean that we have to become their victims while God works out their salvation.
Having said that, every last
one of us has had experience with, or know of someone who has been a victim of
a “jerk.” We may have fallen in love with the most charming, adorable,
attentive charmer on the planet only to find out that they were dating
seriously 5 other women at the same time, with three wives that did not know of
each other, and have seventeen children across the United States and Canada.
Maybe they claim to have
walked on the moon, or to be Veterans of World War I even though they are in
their forties, or are Presidents of banks, and “own” (owe) millions. I am not
making these up, I kid you not, these are real life stories of members in our
church.
They are gushing about your
beauty one minute, and beating you the next. They embarrass you in front of
your peers, and belittle you in private when they were praising you yesterday.
They are returned missionary temple going High Priest Quorum Presidents who
charm everyone at church, and walk in your door at home and turn off the charm. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde style.
“Abusive
people enjoy this framing game. They provoke their chosen target for a
reaction, then claim it as evidence of mental instability, evil-mindedness, or
something else that implies it is the victim who is at fault. Diverting all
attention away from his (her) own behavior, the bully seeks support from
others, turning them against his target. It can be devastating for an
individual who is already suffering from mistreatment to be blamed, slandered,
rejected, and isolated as well.
“The
abuser enjoys the sense of power and control he/she derives from tormenting
with impunity, and the positive attention he gets from playing the victim and
fishing for sympathy. It is also an effective method of intimidating his target
from attempting to speak up and expose the truth.”
----Unknown
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| Abusers paint their victims as "crazy" so no one will listen to them. |
The best defense is to avoid
these kinds of people all together. Once you have entangled yourself with one
of these, they do not let go of their victims. Even after a divorce they will
be dragging you into court for any little thing they can, always playing the
victim. They will turn everyone against you, including your own children and family, even your best friends.
They will always be more convincing than you are because you look like a raving lunatic after what you have been through. They appear calm, in control, put on their best act and charm the judge and jury. They have been play-acting their whole lives, even convinced you to marry them, didn’t they? And you are just a genuine person trying to defend yourself against crazy, while feeling like you will be in an asylum soon yourself if things don’t change. Yet they never let go of their victims. Thus the need to avoid this at all costs.
They will always be more convincing than you are because you look like a raving lunatic after what you have been through. They appear calm, in control, put on their best act and charm the judge and jury. They have been play-acting their whole lives, even convinced you to marry them, didn’t they? And you are just a genuine person trying to defend yourself against crazy, while feeling like you will be in an asylum soon yourself if things don’t change. Yet they never let go of their victims. Thus the need to avoid this at all costs.
"But we don't have 'jerks' in Christ's Church!'" According to my studies, we do.
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| REASONS FOR DIVORCE IN THE LDS COMMUNITY |
In this chart, we have overlapping reasons why those in our very own wonderful church have divorced. Some may have been dealing with addiction that led to personality disorders which led to abuse, etc. Or personality disorders that led to addiction, that led to infidelity.
So how can you tell they are
“jerks” before tying the knot so that you are not fooled? Do they show signs?
Is there a way to know the genuine from the fakers? Yes there is.
I am not a psychologist or
psychiatrist, but I have researched this phenomenon of how nice people get
taken by creeps and have found that these scenarios always have the same
patterns.
The problem is that sometimes
we will notice what appears to be positive traits, and be impressed, while
overlooking negative ones, or “red flags.” Unfortunately, they are always
there, but because we are nice people, we assume they are isolated incidents,
and give them the benefit of the doubt, and gloss over the obvious signs.
Many good people often give
too much, accept too much, and overlook too much in a relationship. They
believe people can change and that everyone usually deserves a second and even
third chances. As a result, genuine and good people often stay in a relationship far too
long, becoming more and more damaged themselves while never seeing any genuine change in
their chosen partner.
Nice, good people tend to
believe that other people are like themselves, watching out for the other guy,
generous, honest, and genuine. They tend to be very forgiving, and overlook
negative tendencies as a passing, non-consequential incidents. Over and over
and over again. They think “I’m sure he/she didn’t mean to come across that
way,” or “I’m sure he/she didn’t mean that, they are just out-of-sorts today.”
And they ignore the red flags. Over and over and over again.
The “RED FLAGS” are the
patterns (characteristics) coincidentally, that Satan has, yes our big trouble making brother.
His followers will emulate his characteristics of deceit and corruption and
control, just as Christ’s followers will become more like Christ the more
righteous they become. They have, once again, chosen to follow this path with their gift of agency.
The Book of Mormon tells us
of Christ’s admonition how to tell the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I always
like to liken scriptures to our situation, so here is my version:
“Beware of false
(“Peter Priesthood”/”Molly Mormons”), who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but
inwardly are ravenous wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather
grapes of thorns (compassion from an abuser), or figs of thistles (caring from
addiction)? Even so, every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt
tree bring forth evil fruit. A good tree ( honest person) cannot bring forth evil
fruit ( dishonest actions and behaviors), neither a corrupt tree (a dishonest
person) bring forth good fruit (a trusting marriage)…..Wherefore, by their
fruits ye shall know them.
---3 Nephi 14:15-20
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| "What ya doin' Friday sweetheart?" |
First know that in order to
know a person really well, one must date for a period of time. Patterns don’t
emerge for at least 3 months. When a nice person notices that his date is nasty
to their waitress, for example, the nice person will think “I’m sure that she
is just in a bad mood today.” Then they consider it an isolated incident, and
give them the benefit of the doubt. After a few months of seeing similar
behavior, you will see that this is who they are. You want to see how this
person treats others on every level.
How do they treat past
romantic relationships? Close family members such as children, parents,
siblings? What about friends? Do they have many? Work associates, repairmen,
waitresses, strangers? How these people are treated is how you will be treated
after you have been successfully “captured.”
THE RED
FLAGS: And how to flesh them out.
1) Insists
on getting you your drink. With date rape rampant with the
non-aromatic/tasting drugs, never allow your date to get your drink. If the
restaurant does not fill your cup for you, insist on getting your own. Be very
leary if he seems perturbed by this. If you are eating together and he says
“how do you like your drink?” What does he care if you like this restaurants
brand of rootbeer? Did he ask if you like your dinner too? Always ask them if this drink tastes peculiar to them and
have them take a drink
first. Watch to see if they decline, or really do drink or pretend to.
2) Isolates you from friends and family. Constantly
puts down people who are close to you. Gets angry when you spend time with
other important people in your life. If he/she starts telling you of reasons
why you should not have a relationship with someone who is close to you, realize
that they are trying to take away your support system. This is so that they can
have free reign to abuse and control you without the interference of your loved
ones. Ask them how they feel about the important
people in your life. If they have nothing nice to say, and it feels like they
are trying to find only negative things to report, say goodbye.
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| Controlling people get jealous of other relationships. |
3) Get’s jealous of time you spend doing the things
you enjoy. If they get threatened by
your hobbies and require you to give up your talents and recreation to focus on
them, this is a very controlling, narcissistic, insecure person. They may be
threatened by your abilities and want to bring you down to their level. On the
other hand, if you are spending most of your free time with these activities at
the expense of your partner, you may be the selfish one. Let them know of your schedule, which includes your routine
(morning exercise, weekly soccer game, getting your nails done with
girlfriends, movie night out with the guys (if you are a guy), etc. If they
complain and act injured, or want to come, even though it is just for the
girls, this is a sign of a very insecure, selfish, controlling person.
4) It would kill them to compliment you. “Do you like my hair?” “I like the way you wore it
last week better.” “What do you think of my new car?” “Well, if it didn’t have
that red top it would be great.” Do
their complements have a “stinging barb” attached? “The house looks great…why
are there dishes in the sink?” “You don’t sweat much for a fat girl….” kind of
thing. Ask them leading questions that beg for a
compliment. If they cannot deliver while you are dating, they won’t be
complimenting after marriage. Wait for the “stinging barb” at the end of the
compliment. Then move on.
5) Non-Genuine, Over the top People Pleasers. The other extreme from the
insult-version-of-complimenting are the gushers. “I have never seen a lawn so
beautiful” as he passes a neighbor who has a high position in the stake. The
guy stands there watering his dead spot and looks at him like he is daft. “You
are the most amazing man I have ever met,” she tells Joe, and John, and Dave,
and Henry. They are not genuine, and you always wonder what it is they want
from you. Some people really are just that nice. There are lots of people pleasers
in the world, the ones you need to watch out for are the ones with agendas. When you witness the gushing, ask them questions afterwards
to see if you can get to the bottom of what they would gain by this flattering
behavior. Find out the relationship to this person, if they have connections at
work, can put in a good word for them to move to higher positions in the
church, etc. If you cannot find a motive, and they do this with everyone, they
may be genuine. If they pick and choose who they flatter, then are mean to
others, their flattery is not genuine.
6) Constantly embarrass you in front of others. Insecure people will want to make themselves look
magnanimous to be putting up with those they are intimidated by. They belittle,
push your buttons and try to incite you to anger, and act condescendingly
toward you in front of others, and privately. They most likely are also
trashing you to others behind your back. One time
might be an isolated incident. After the second and third time, it is a pattern
that won’t end. This person is threatened by you, and wants to be liked, at
your expense. This person is afraid you will out-shine them, so they must
distribute other info in order to keep their position, by bringing you down in
other’s estimation.
7) Crazy making/”Gas-lighting” techniques are used. They want you and others to believe you have gone
nuts, and will set you up to appear so. If you feel that you are going crazy
while dating a particular person, but not the rest of the time, this is why. If
you haven’t seen the movie this term came from, be sure to look up the black
and white “Gaslight.” Say something to draw their
attention to something that would just tick you off. “I better not lose my keys
before this big event” and watch to see if your keys disappear. “ I am putting
my tickets in my back pocket, don’t let me lose them.” Pay attention to the
efforts made to steal them from your back pocket. Be creative.
8) Arrogant, know-it-all, better-than-you,
more-important-than-you, elevated sense of self.
They act like you are lucky
to have them, you are nothing compared to them, your life calling is to serve
them and make them happy. Your existence has no other value. They have no
ability to see anything from other’s point of view. Theirs is the only one that
matters. Theirs.
9) Lack of appropriate boundaries. “What is yours is mine because I deserve it more.”
These people will exploit you for all you’ve got and toss you out when there is
nothing more to take. They invade your space, and have no respect for you and
your things. They ask to borrow, or just borrow without asking, things that are
special to you. They come to activities where they are not wanted.
10) Dangerous lack of emotional controls and balance. People tend to walk on egg-shells around these people
hoping not to set them off and pay for it big time. Those closest to them learn
to give in quickly rather than begin a confrontation that soon escalates out of
proportion to the incident.
11) Dangerous lack of emotion at all. Sometimes these people come across as “easy going”
when in fact they are really just without feeling. They don’t get upset when
they should because they just don’t care. They don’t show proper emotion at the
proper times. They belittle you for getting angry when it is completely
appropriate to be angry, in fact, they should also be angry. They also are not
loving or nurturing, There is no compassion or remorse, joy or happiness, just
pleasure from control games and making others miserable like unto themselves. Tell them stories that should invoke a certain sympathetic
response. If they seem bored, or change the subject, or their sympathy seems
not sincere, they probably lack empathy. They do not cringe at human suffering,
in fact, enjoy it.
12) Passive aggressive behaviors. They will smile and say “yes dear,” then turn around
and do the complete opposite. They sabotage your efforts while you aren’t
looking, tell your friends you are sick when they call to go to lunch, and pull
stunts on you that leave you chasing your tail and believing you are going
nuts,…..and they smile. Ask for a favor. If they
promise to be there for you, then do a no show, or feign an excuse, you know
that you will never be able to rely on someone who feels threatened by natural
expectations in a relationship. They do not understand “give and take.” They
only take, and believe you have no right to ask for anything. Only their needs
are important.
13) Lack of empathy. They do not react properly to sad stories, or your
sharing your hard day, or painful experiences. They seem bored, or like they
are not listening (because they aren’t). They aren’t there for you during your
hard times and wish you’d not bother them with them.
14) They are being abusive. Shove, slap, or hit you. Make you feel like you have
to be perfect all the time or you’ll be sorry. I shouldn’t have to point this
one out, but unfortunately, it needs to be said. Some who have been abused as
children believe this is what they deserve, or is normal treatment. It’s not
normal, and you don’t deserve it. Stop the cycle and get out. If he/she hits
you, or treats you like trash before marriage, it only gets worse after. I
promise.
15) Consistently putting their needs before yours. Their needs are the only ones that are important, and
yours just are not. Period. When you state your needs, they are laughed at. We
all have needs, and we need to have a partner that helps to fill them.
One-sided relationships are not for you. Vocalize what some of
your needs are. Watch to see if they make an effort to fill your needs. If they
do everything but those you asked for, this will be the pattern forever. “You
know, when I go to the effort to make a meal for you, it is important to me
that you be here on time, and thank me afterwards for the meal. Compliments
wouldn’t hurt either.” They will either feel badly for not already doing this,
or will act offended. “NO one tells me what to do.”
16) Consistent lying. Ostentatious vulnerability. If you catch them lying,
there can be no trust in this relationship. How many other lies have been told
to you? What else are they lying about? Don’t settle for anything but an honest
relationship. Ask a question that you know the answer
to. See if they can tell you the truth. See below for how to detect a liar.
17) Plays the victim. Ostentatious vulnerability. They victimize you and
others all day, then convince everyone that they have been wronged by their
victims. And are believed, supported, rallied around. They love the sympathy
they receive, and play this role on a regular basis. The victims are then
ostracized and treated like criminals. Ask yourself if
they could really be as helpless a creature as they make out? You will have to ask around and get a second opinion, possibly from those who have supposedly wronged this person. It may be very eye opening. I’ve seen
millionaire attorneys put on this "victim" act and be quite convincing. Most likely they
are the bully.
18) Never apologizes. If something went wrong, it must be your fault, or you
are just interpreting it all wrong. But they often make you grovel when you
apologize. “I’m sorry” isn’t quite enough, it needs to be “You are right your
mighty one, I was wrong and now I will go give myself 40 lashes for my
terribleness.”
19) Extremely self centered. All decisions made are for his/her benefit only.
Everyone else must adapt to what is best for the only important person in the
group. Make your needs known and see how he/she react.
Are they taken into consideration or cast off like a silly idea?
20) Financial infidelity. Lies to you about the finances. “I’m broke.” “I’m
rich.” If they truly are rich, they will tell you they have to give all their
money to their ex-spouse and have nothing left. Then they hide their money in
off-shore accounts and businesses. If they are struggling financially they may
try to lead you to believe that they are wealthy. I know of a couple that both
married each other for their money, only to find out that they were both broke.
Talk to people who know them and their circumstances
really well. Like a sister, or close relative or friend. I have a friend who
got a call from a woman in Hawaii who was dating and thinking about getting
engaged to her brother. She asked if he truly owned a ranch in Montana, and had
millions like he claimed. He had borrowed money from her for a “short-term”
situation. My friend let her know that he was lying to her, that he was broke,
and that she would be lucky to get her money back. Don’t be afraid to ask.
21) Depressed, low energy, emptiness, flatness, no
motivation. Remember, things only get
worse after marriage, so if they act this way when dating someone and in-love,
after marriage you won’t get them off the couch. You will be taking care of
them like a child, without appreciation or contribution.
22) Extreme mood swings. Are you walking on egg-shells all the time to prevent
a change in mood? Are they either one extreme or another? Does it take very
little for them to go from their highs to lows?
23) Fake morality. They may act like Peter
Priesthood/Molly Mormon, and even hold high positions in the church (in fact,
most of the time they do), but are secretly sleeping around, or are sneaking
into their neighbors homes and stealing pain medication. They are critical of
others for their lack of perfection in the gospel. It is a cover-up. Most of the time, the more spiritual they talk, the more you
should worry. Or do they make excuses for their behavior using scriptures?
24) Extremely Stubborn. “Everything is done my way. I am the only one who has
brains and who matters. Period.” There is no compromising.
25) Hypersensitive to criticism. Sometimes they even interpret compliments as insults.
They are extremely insecure and cannot handle the thought that they might not
be perfect. They will stew over a slight for a very long time, not
internalizing it as much as growing angry at the person who dared to mention
it.
26) Say inappropriate things that make you feel
uncomfortable. Pervs get a thrill out
of watching the reaction from innocents when they say things that are
completely inappropriate. I’m not saying that every person who speaks dirty is
a pervert because even good guys test women to see if they have the potential
to be good sex partners. I was never comfortable with dirty talk, and don’t
appreciate it, but it is common. What I am talking about here are things that
will horrify you, make you sick to your stomach, or want to slap them.
27) Make you cry all the time. If you now realize that you cry more often with this
person than before, are filled with confusion, feeling badly about yourself and
are trying harder to please them, this is evidence of emotional abuse. They probably
make you feel that you deserve this treatment & brought it on yourself. You
feel like you will never measure up and must just try harder.
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| This is the "wheel of abuse" used by bishops, in the church handbook. |
28) Make you feel worthless or stupid. No matter what you do, it is wrong. They mock your
every sentence or action, act condescending, like they are just putting up with
you out of the goodness of their hearts. They try to convince you that no-one
else would put up with you. They will act like you are lucky to have them. Make
you feel like you have to be perfect or you’ll be sorry.
29) Act super jealous and possessive. “I saw that guy look at you!” Then you get all
defensive trying to explain that you didn’t look back, etc. “I saw you talk to
that woman…” They believe that you are cheating on them and always accuse you
of being a flirt. People portray onto you what they are themselves, so if
he/she is accusing you, either they are extremely insecure, or more likely, they
are cheating on you. Cheaters believe it is okay for them to cheat on you, but
not for you to cheat on them. Since they are cheaters, everyone must be the
same way, and it is just a matter of them catching you. You will be accused
every day, will not be allowed to speak to anyone (even of the same sex for
fear you might make a friend and take time away from them and their needs).
30) Threaten to hurt or kill themselves. Threaten to
hurt a loved one. If you don’t give
them what they want, if you threaten to break-up with them, they try to scare
you by threatening to kill themselves or someone you love. “I can’t live
without you, I might as well be dead…..” They may or may not. Most of the time
they do not, but I know of a case where the guy pulled the trigger to his head
in front of his wife and two year old son. It took years for this lady to get
over PTSD. He had threatened this everyday when she didn’t perform to his
specifications. If they use this line even once in your dating relationship,
run as fast as you can. Another tactic to get intimacy from an adult, or even a
child, pedophiles and perverts threaten to hurt their little sister if they
don’t…..etc. In this case, call the police.
31) Push for inappropriate intimacy; “If you love
me…..” In our church, we all have the
same Ten Commandments as when we were married. We have the same baptismal and
temple covenants. Just because you are single does not mean that it is okay to
sleep together. There is not a different morality rule for singles. You know
that, and so should he/she. Do you want to be married to someone who does not
respect those God given boundaries? If they can break such important
commandments while dating you, what makes you think they will honor them after
you are married?
32) Stalk you, call constantly to check on you, don’t
trust you. Do they “just happen” to
show up where ever you are? Do they ask you about activities you were involved
in that they should not know about? Do they make comments about your Facebook
usage? These are very controlling behaviors and didn’t happen by coincidence.
Unless you enjoy cages, remove yourself from this relationship asap. They may
not be able to even let you go then, and you may have to get a Restraining
Order, or Civil Stalking Injunction. Depending on how your state handles this
kind of thing.
33) Make you feel responsible for their happiness or
unhappiness. They act like they will
never survive without you, guilt trip you all the time. “I’m in a bad mood and
it’s your fault.” “I cannot be happy without you.” No one wants this kind of
responsibility. They are emotionally unstable, controlling, toxic people who
place the responsibility for their happiness onto others. Yet they will never
be happy.
34) Flirt with others in front of you, or behind your
back. When they flirt in front of
you, they are trying to impress you. They don’t care about how it makes you
feel. Behind your back? If they are still flirting with others, it usually
means that they are trying to keep their options open. They may even be
cheating on you now. It also means that their heart is not yours. If they were
a healthy individual, they would not need this kind of regular attention in
order to feel good about themselves, and you will never be enough to fill their
bucket with that kind of hole in it.
35) Make you feel badly about your religious beliefs
and try to change them to a more “free thinking” belief. Your LDS ways may be too strict for their plans for
you. So they just convince you that religion is what you want it to be, and
that it is different for every person. Their religion is the exploitation of
you, and they will say whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it
means convincing you to drop your standards, change religious beliefs, and
morals. These narcissists believe they are above the rules anyway. The rules
(commandments, boundaries of any kind) don’t apply to them.
36) Contentious, argue everything you say or do,
always taking opposite point of view.
These toxic personalities thrive on chaos, keeping you upset and off-balance.
They want you to feel stupid, and to believe they know everything and you
nothing. They love conflict and will create it from nothing. If you love to
argue about everything, this person is for you. Don’t
engage. As soon as they become argumentative, ask them if they truly believe
that or if they just enjoy contending. Then stop talking. They do not deserve
your conversation when they can’t respect your opinions, or be a good listener.
It shows they don’t care about what you are saying, but use your sharing as a
chance to make you feel badly about yourself.
37) Project themselves as rescuers, charitable. Many of our so-called charities are run by these
people, who pad their pockets while appearing to care about others. Sociopaths
and narcissists need to look magnanimous and will go to great lengths to give
that appearance. They are typically stingy, selfish, fraudulent businessmen,
and hoard money to themselves, while coming across as the most generous of
people. They leave ruined and financially broken people in their wake through
others who were naïve and fell into their traps. When
they claim to have donated to some charity, or to have built some school for
the blind, check it out for yourself. Ask for particulars as if interested,
then call on it. Most likely they made the whole thing up, and only truly give
if there is a large audience involved.
38) Appears confident but is very insecure. They come across as confident, but then do insecure
things, or expect you to be filing their egos regularly. They drain you while
trying to boost their self-esteem. There are usually reasons they are insecure
and that is because they have no self-respect. Either they have been victims of
sexual crimes, or have done things to be ashamed of. Either way, they are
shame-based and need help. From professionals, not from you.
39) Appears to be a good listener,
overly attentive. We all love good
listeners because we love to talk about ourselves. The problem is that they are
listening for you to reveal your vulnerabilities and buttons. And they are
looking to find out what it is that you are looking for in a person so that
they can pretend to be that for you. They are chameleons. But after marriage,
they will become who they really are. Mean and nasty Sociopaths, etc. Never reveal yourself too soon when just getting to know
someone. Keep the conversation superficial until you have heard them open up
about themselves. Narcissists don’t talk about themselves, or their past. They
are very private. If you can’t get them to share, you don’t either.
40) They do not like to talk about their
past or childhood. They are very
private, don’t talk about themselves. Narcissists come from a shame based past
and don’t want to reveal themselves on any level. They believe information
about themselves to be sacred, and you don’t qualify for that level of intimacy,
nor do they like to be vulnerable to your opinion or what they believe is their
being exposed. Ask them questions about their
childhood, youth, young adulthood. If they say that they don’t remember, and
keep tight lipped, this is a red flag.
Most of the toxic
personalities have their foundation in narcissism. Here is what I suggest. On
your very first date, ask her/him this very revealing questions.
TO REVEAL A NARCISSIST......The magic questions:
- · “In what ways do you think you need to grow or change?”
If they are narcissistic they
will be offended at the question. How could you believe that they are anything
but perfect? A humble person will list things that they feel they are needing
to work on.
- Ask about past relationships; family, friends, romantic, business.
Narcissists don’t understand
the word “relationship.” They may have “friends” on a superficial level, but
they don’t nourish these relationships. They can’t even manage to keep them
with their wives/husbands, parents, children, and friends. Do they spend time
with close associates or are they loners?
- Ask about their childhood and growing up years. They don’t like to talk about their past.
- Ask a question you know the answer to, just to see if they tell you the truth.
LIE REVEALING BEHAVIORS
*The individual is sweating
or fidgeting, touching ears, face, or playing with hair or clothes
*Inability to provide details
in a story
*Failure to make eye-contact,
or holding it too long
*Eyebrows drawn upward toward
middle of forehead
*Dilated pupils
*Rise in vocal pitch, voice
speeds up
*Defensive tone
*Use of “trust me,”
“honestly,”
and “to be honest” phrases
*Clears throat to give time
to make up an answer
*Trying hard to sound natural
so that they end up sounding false
*Being too quick to end an
interaction
*Can’t remember what they’ve
told and give different answers to different people
A "jerk" shows their true colors in many ways. It is a long list, but the more symptoms they show, the more you need to consider avoiding or getting out of this relationship. If your presence in their life is about their happiness, then you need to move on to find someone who also wants you to be happy.
I can hear what you are thinking after reading this list. “I do some of these, I must be a jerk myself.” If you are humble enough to recognize that you may not be perfect, then you just disqualified yourself from being a “jerk.” Narcissists cannot believe that they are anything but perfect, so it’s those of you who think “this list does not pertain to me on any level because I am perfect” that we need to watch out for.
Each of us can be jerks on occasion. If you don’t live your life for the sole purpose of entertaining your boredom by controlling others, exploiting your victims, and finding ways to make them miserable or ruined, then you don’t qualify to be a jerk. Sorry. You are just a normal human being with weaknesses.
At this stage of your life it is important with whom you surround yourself with, especially when choosing a partner. You may need to take a hard look at your relationships and make sure you could consider them as part of your "support group." Make sure they really are supportive, or if instead, they drain you.
Then ask yourself these questions.
- Do they lift you?
- Make you want to be a better person?
- Make you feel like you can accomplish anything?
- Support you in your dreams?
- Make you happy?
Some thoughts I've gathered from my friends on my LDS Divorce Survivors Facebook group:
“Keep away from people who
try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really
great make you feel that you too, can become great. When you are seeking to
bring big plans to fruition, it is important with whom you regularly associate.
Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing
purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend to your friends.”
---MARK TWAIN
THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS
UNTIL THEY HAVE DEFENDED YOU IN YOUR ABSENCE. ---unknown
“People inspire you. Or they
drain you. Pick them wisely.”
---Hans F. Hansen
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| Don't give up on your dreams. |
Relax, there are many folks
out there who are NOT JERKS! Therefore, as long as you are equipped with the
right preparation and knowledge, you will be on your way to finding Mr/Mrs. Right! -
“I realize that many mature members of
the Church are not married. Through no fault of their own, they deal with the
trials of life alone. Be we all reminded that in the Lord’s own way and time,
no blessings will be withheld from his faithful Saints.”
---Elder Russell M. Nelson
Here is another "Lisa-fied" scripture for you:
“Therefore
He (the Savior) said unto them (the Single Adults), “The harvest (worthy,
wonderful options for marriage partners) truly is great, but the labourers are
few (those putting in the effort to seek out): pray ye therefore the Lord of
the harvest, that He would send forth labourers (men who actually go on dates)
into his harvest.”
“Go
your ways: behold, I send you forth as lambs (good, honest, faithful
covenant/commandment keepers) among wolves (those pretending to).”
-----Luke 10:3
Remember that you have a "Personal Relationship Counselor" who cares about your happiness more than anyone. Communicate with Him frequently, tell Him of what you are looking for, being very specific, and to help you to feel the "spirit of discernment" while dating. Then trust your gut. If the Spirit tells you that something is wrong, don't talk yourself out of it. The Spirit can see past the facade, so trust it.
 |
| Your "Personal Relationship Counselor" |
If you have any more red flags to contribute, please do so in the comments section. I hope you have found this to be helpful. Good luck, and may God be with you in your efforts to find love.
---Lisa McDougle
If you are interested in having me come speak at a Fireside, Conference, or Family Home Evening, I can be contacted at faithhopecharity59@gmail.com.
