FOR LDS BISHOPS OF DIVORCING WARD MEMBERS

                                         IT'S HARD BEING BISHOP!

As LDS ward bishops, you understand fully that you are considered fathers of your congregations, and have heavy responsibilities placed on their shoulders. You are men who have not asked for this responsibility, yet have responded to the call to shepherd your friends, neighbors, community members, and sometimes total strangers. You add onto the burden of making a living for your own families, while balancing the responsibilities of father and husband, neighbor, son, etc. In my 55 years of being a member, I have seldom seen a bishop end his term without having aged 20 years, and had his hair turn completely white. If he had any left over at all.

I felt for the great "fathers" of my wards as I watched them struggle to keep their eyes open during a sacrament meeting talk. I would wonder how much sleep he got the night before? Did he lose sleep over late and/or early meetings? Or was it from worry over a multiple struggling ward members who came to him and placed their burdens on his desk? Burdens of everyday life, marriage problems, guilt from sin, abuse, addiction, financial difficulties, and neglect of their responsibilities. I felt for these men as they tried to find answers to solutions for their many "children," as their own families struggled without a father so much of the time. No matter how supportive a wife can be of him in his stewardship, raising a family without the husband's usual input and influence takes it's toll while the children share his attentions with hundreds of others.

Many burdens that are laid on your desk are some you have experience with and know exactly what to advise. Other times you shake your head and wonder how you got yourself into this position. One day you were minding your own business coaching your kids in basketball, and cheering on your ballerina while planning young men activities, and the next day you are expected to know how to coach struggling married couples, help a teenager out of addictions, put someone on the path to forgiveness after making moral transgressions, and bring back those in your congregation who have become lost. "How did this happen?"

The bishop's guidebook is very vague on how to handle most situations, and bishops are left to follow their way, hopefully through prayer. If they ever have time for that luxury anymore.

Listen to one divorce victim's experience who participated in my survey.

"I sat across from my bishop and announced that I was leaving my husband of over 30 years. He stared at me and his mouth fell open. We had been considered one of those rock-solid families in his congregation. The one where the husband had been a Bishop himself, and I had been in teaching capacities that included Seminary and Institute, and most recently Gospel Doctrine. That family he didn't have to worry about. I went on to describe what went on behind closed doors. The physical and emotional abuse, the 'gas-lighting,' the phone calls from women for my husband, the makeup found on his garments, and many other signs that led me to believe he was cheating on me.

"We were the third couple that year to surprise the poor bishop like this. In fact, the previous few bishops didn't have any divorces, so he wondered why he was so lucky. He worried about what this would do to the ward. He knew about what it was like when bombshells went off of this magnitude. The gossip, the shaken testimonies, the fear of a snowball effect he thought might happen with other marriages ending.

"I was desperately seeking a refuge from the upcoming hell of trying to escape a well respected abusive man with what I was learning in my research and professional counseling sessions was called 'personality disorders.' I had witnessed his great influence as he had regularly cut off my support with his persuasive personality and his charismatic destruction of my character to my friends and family. I hoped and prayed I would find support from my ward father during my final escape. At least validation. My loving bishop assured that he believed me, that his heart was heavy for me, and that he would do whatever was in his power to give the needed support. Then he asked me not to talk to anyone in the ward about the divorce. I feared that if no one knew my side of the story, only his would be spread. I was right.

She continued:
"In the end, my charming ex-husband had my bishop, stake president, and whole ward believing that I was having an affair, and that he was my victim of abuse. Few ward members would speak to me after my ill treatment of such a great man. The loss of my ward family was devastating to me. I had been in that ward for 13 years and thought that they knew me better than that. I had hoped to be able to lean on this wonderful, loving group of people during the hardest trial of my life.

"As I started my life over in another state and ward, I wondered what I could have done differently. How can I have convinced my bishop any better so that he would continue to stand by me and defend me? How could I have convinced him of my husbands crimes so that he would take the steps to hold a church court and handle his sins against the church? What else could I have done or said? How could I possibly compete with such a practiced con-artist?

"This ex-husband went to a new ward and stake, and joined the Tabernacle Choir, passing the ecclesiastical permissions of his new leaders, without any voice from his previous bishop. It was a slap in my face to know the level of deception this man had committed against the church, and to have him prance off in his wolf clothing without check, and to stand as an example in such a large way. I wondered what church I belonged to? Had I not been a leader myself knowing how things were supposed to be done? Did it only happen properly for everyone else? Why was he not brought to face his crimes?

"I realize that bishops are human. I wondered if they were intimidated to prosecute other men? Whatever the reason, I also wondered if my experience was isolated or more common in a day where mercy was the norm, and justice a thing of the past. I had lots of questions about why divorce in the church put these select members into a 'don't touch' zone. The outcasts, the mis-fits. I suddenly felt like I was on the outskirts of the 'welcome group.' I felt like my trial was not among the 'acceptable trials' for church members. Death, sickness, and injury were fine to experience, but if your family falls apart, no casseroles for you. Was this typical?"

Her question stirred my heart. Unfortunately, her story was too common. Too often, at the time when these sufferers need it the most, those who should be reaching out turn their backs. Is it because they are mean spirited or vindictive? No, just unaware. Just awkward. They don't know what to do or say. Yes, too many are judgmental. It's natural. The natural man is an enemy to God remember. We, too, have judged wrongfully in our lives.

Unfortunately, I discovered that about 60% of our divorcing members tend to leave the church. 80% of the men, and 40% of the women. And sadly, their children tend to follow. Why? Were their experiences like the above sister's? Many have commented that they did not feel wanted at church. It was hard to attend a ward where they felt like the elephant in the room. We can understand how easy it would be to return home and never come back. One could also see that it would be so much easier for bishops to retain their members than to lose them and try to gain them back.

Post divorce is a very vulnerable time in one's life. Divorcees might find themselves doing things that they never would have considered before. Temptation is greater when outside of the safety of marriage. Predatorial singles are out there preying on the innocent. Their testimonies will have taken a knock or two. Some cannot separate the actions of the church members from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They may feel that God has turned their backs on them.

As referenced earlier, I put together a study online to find out these and other answers. I invited LDS divorced folks from singles dances and activities, and Facebook singles groups around the world, to tell me of their experiences. I found out a few things about my church and the subject of divorce. I added a section about their experiences with their bishops. "What did they do that was helpful, what did they do that might have been handled differently?" I asked for suggestions, insights, and helpful hints. I was amazed at how little effort it would take to make a difference for these struggling members.

It is my hope that this will be helpful to bishops. As a sister in the church, I feel great relief that I will never have to carry the burdens you carry. I would not want to have this hard job. Being Relief Society President was hard enough. I do not pretend to be an expert, have all the answers for bishops, nor understand and all of the struggles that they face, not even on the subject of divorce. But, I have heard the voice of many members who have some great ideas, or who have had both positive and negative experiences with their ward bishops, and they were free with their suggestions.

If you truly wish to know how to retain your divorcing members of your ward, and not let them wander lost in the world after the devastation of the destruction of their families, please read on.

• UNDERSTAND, DIVORCE IS A MAJOR TRIAL

The first thing a bishop needs to realize is, by the time a member comes to his office admitting that they are leaving a marriage, this spouse has been struggling with getting up the courage to come to you for many years. They have tried everything they know how, and just are frantic to get out. 99% of the time, the divorce is not over something trivial. The reasons for divorce in the church, according to my study, are as follows, in this order:

1. ABUSE ON SOME LEVEL
2. INFIDELITY
3. ADDICTIONS
4. PERSONALITY DISORDERS
5. FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
6. SAME SEX ATTRACTION

Not one participant stated that they were divorcing because he snored, or was home late too often, or she hogged the remote control, or was too fat, or squeezed the toothpaste wrong. These listed above are serious. Most often, the couples were dealing with many of these issues at the same time. They got out because they had to. 

Coming to this decision is scary and devastating. Then they come to you for validation and comfort. They are scared, lacking in hope, and may not know what their options are at this point. They need understanding and emotional support. This is a turning point in their lives, it determines whether they land on their feet, or end up on the system for their care, or on the streets with alcoholism or drug abuse. 

In the study, all participants stated that this trial was the hardest of their lives. Even the few who had lost a spouse to death said that this was worse. Divorce is a culmination of many years of struggling with a hard, sometimes addictive or abusive home life. Or it is a sudden discovery of infidelity on the part of one or other spouse. No matter the cause, divorcees all agreed that it was devastating to both of them, and their children. It breaks the hearts of ward members, friends and family members of those divorcing. But no one hurts like the couple who is being torn apart. 

The victims had in most cases a decline in health, financial status, and social standing and support. They felt completely deserted, isolated, and alone. In most cases it took many, many years to recover from, and most still have not come to the point of saying they have recovered. On an individual basis, they said they could not sleep at night, had nightmares when they did, either gained or lost weight, and many turned to drugs or alcohol, and left the church, unless they had good support from their ward of some kind. 

Many times they felt ostracized from the ward, even the children no longer felt welcome at the homes of their friends. They all agreed that they felt as if they now had a "scarlet letter" on their foreheads, a plague so-to-speak. One day they were contributing members of their wards, working hard on callings to serve this ward family, the next they felt judged, shunned, and despised. 

If there is ever a time in a person's life that they need extra love and support, it is during a divorce. Instead they receive judgment, becoming the object of ridicule, outcast from their usual support base, and isolated in a scary and desperate world of single-hood. A world where each has lost their partner, extra household support, and financial contribution. 

Their family has been ripped apart, their hearts broken, their dreams shattered. They feel cast to the bottom of the heap, vulnerable, and scared. And they realize too late that their trial is not listed among the "acceptable trials of the church culture and demagogue." It is no wonder that 60% leave the church, it is truly a wonder, unfortunately, that any stay in a religiously hostile environment. 

Why do some stay? Their testimonies are strong enough to realize that the humans running the wards and stake are just that, human. The survivors have a testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They realize that if they want to make it back to heaven, they need their cups to be filled regularly, partake of the sacrament, pay their tithing, and serve others. Even if they never receive another calling again due to the "divorce-stigma" they hope someday to recapture what they once had (respect, support, etc.) by regularly going to church. But not every member is that strong. 

Others stayed because they had a great bishop who navigated their divorce experience, in the ward, in a way that the divorcing members felt loved, valued, and supported. The survivors said their bishops had done all they could, and were very helpful. So the question is, how did these bishops do it? What were their methods? How did they create an emotionally safe environment in their wards for these struggling members? Let's ask these same divorce-surviving-and-yet-staying-active members!

The abuse cycle given in the church handbook for families

• THE "DO'S" OF DIVORCE NAVIGATION

1. Do pray for the spirit of discernment. Only the spirit can tell you when a spouse is trying to deceive you. Sociopaths are common, as are abusers. They are very convincing, and most psychologists psychiatrists will be fooled by their performance. Mentally ill/Personality disorder characters will convince you that THEY are the victims, and will support their case with many convincing lies. Believe what you feel, what your gut is telling you. Trust the Spirit will guide you. Ask for promptings, then follow them. 
2. Do become educated on abuse and all of it's forms. The Church handbook on families has a graph that is to be used for this purpose. Many methods are used to control and manipulate another person, including passive aggressiveness, "gas-lighting," cutting them off from friends, family, and other resources for support, hiding and controlling the money, and much more. Not all abuses are physical, but all are just as harmful. In every case, the abuse only gets worse over time. Never counsel a member to stay in such circumstances. Always call the Church's Abuse Hotline set up just specifically for bishops in these cases.
3. Do become educated on Personality Disorders/Mental Illnesses. Many will come to you not even realizing what is wrong at home, they just can't put their finger on it. If you have done your homework, you will recognize the signs of these disorders. "He belittles me in front of my friends and family." "She yells and throws things at me when she doesn't get her way." "He hides my car keys or pulls out my spark plugs when he knows I need to go somewhere important." They all have the same patterns. They all afflict their victims the same way. There are many books out today, and reports/blogs on google if you need a quick reference. My booklist on this blog also lists books that are helpful, as well as blogs of LDS divorce survivors telling their own stories. Wear their shoes for a bit and become better acquainted. The most important thing to remember here is, what they tell you will sound outrageous. You won't want to believe them and will be tempted to give the other spouse the benefit of the doubt. Usually the truth is much worse than they are letting on. Give them the gift of believing them. Validate their experience. You cannot ever possibly completely understand unless you have been there yourself. It doesn't mean what they are going through isn't real because you can't comprehend that level of crazy. These things don't just happen in the movies.
4. Do admonish all ward members to come to you early on when they are having marital problems. This way you can get them into counseling long before they get to this point. Saving marriages and keeping families in tact is your highest and most important aim. Often one spouse believes everything is fine, while the other is planning their escape. If a marriage can be saved, this is the time. 
5. Do hold Church Courts when necessary. If a spouse comes in and tells you that they caught their husband/wife cheating on them, or confess to doing it themselves, or any other kind of immoral conduct against the commandments of the church, take it seriously. Do both of them a favor and bring the guilty party through the mercy of the process of the church discipline. If you "let it slide" due to embarrassment or fear of confronting other Priesthood members, or the sister, you are not doing them any favors. Show them tough love by helping them get back on their feet in the Gospel. The process of repentance requires them to go through certain steps in order to get back on the path. If a bishop thinks he is just being merciful by not doing anything about a crime, the person committing the indiscretion comes to believe that what they did was not that big a deal, and will continue the in the sin. Then it will be even harder to bring them back. It also tells the victim-spouse that the crime committed against them was also not a big deal. A hard knock to their testimony of the Gospel. Handle it with love toward both, judgment toward neither, and they will be able to move forward in their healing process. If the guilty partner does not want to confess when confronted, or does confess but has no plans to change, do what is necessary for him/her, and the rest of the family. Remember, children may be watching and learning from how it is handled. Is the moral crime a big deal? Or is it not? According to the study, 19.12% who committed such crimes were dealt with in a church court or disciplinary action, where 80.88% were not. 
6. Do keep details of the divorce private. The fact that a divorce is going on is impossible to keep hidden, but the why's and what for's are no one else's business. If you confide in one counselor, making him promise not to tell anyone, he will have to only tell his wife, who promises not to tell anyone, who will only tell two girlfriends in the ward, who promise not to tell anyone, who will tell their husbands, who also promise not to tell anyone, who will approach the couple at church and make a remark to them that shows that information has been leaked, and is now traveling through the ward. Ward members begin to speculate their own stories, take sides, pass along any story they can think of to support their claims, and the already toxic situation now becomes explosive. The already suffering   pair are now objects of mass judgment and gossip. Even if the information does not come from you, the damage to a ward family, and to the family involved, is devastating. Do your best to keep ward members from getting involved in the gossip chain. Advise your leaders to give extra love and support during this trial. Find ways to serve them, like you would had it been a death in the family, or sickness or injury. They will pick up their cues from you. If you act like they are the plague, the rest of the ward will also. 
7. Do show compassion and support. Everyone in their lives is going to judge them. "They should have done this." "I told her she shouldn't marry him." "If only they had....." "I heard she said....." They will be the object of scorn in every circle they used to find comfort from. Their parents, friends, siblings, often even their own children will ridicule them for their decision to divorce. Do not let your office be one of those places. Listen, listen, listen. They will need to talk. They will need your sympathy, they will need your understanding. Be that one place of safety for them that they can trust. 
8. Do counsel ward leaders to show extra love and support. Ask what they can do to extend a hand to the family during this trial. They may suggest helping with the kids during appointments with attorneys. Occasional help with household issues, such as plumbing, or the mowing of their lawn. Cookies delivered, flowers, a note of encouragement would go a long way. Ask someone to invite them to sit with them at church and help with the kids, or at least make them feel like they are not alone. 
9. Do set up a Home-Teaching couple instead of regular Home and Visiting Teachers. If you have a couple in the ward who is on their second marriage successfully, they might be good candidates as a Home Teaching companionship for divorcing and post divorced couples. They will know better than anyone in the ward what the divorcees are feeling, and what they will need in the way of support. It may require more visits than once a month, so they would need to be dedicated to those in their stewardship. They can be very valuable assets to you and accomplish what you cannot all by yourself. For example: Set up Priesthood blessings for the spouse and/or children. Keep an eye out for ways the ward can assist them. Make sure children/teens are getting to meetings and activities. Make sure babysitters are provided so that Mom (or Dad) can attend a Relief Society activity (or Priesthood). Provide emotional support. 
10. Do set up regular appointments to check in on him/her. Keep in touch with the family to make sure they are not sinking under the pressure. They just need to know you care and are thinking of them. Realize that their problems don't end when the divorce does. They will need watchful care for years until they get back on their feet. Not to the same extent as during the divorce proceedings, but definitely to some degree or another, which you will know by keeping your finger on their pulse through monthly or bi-montly meetings with them. Exhort them to read scriptures together daily as a family, and to attend the temple regularly as the single parent. If he/she has not become endowed, prepare them for this blessing so that they can feel that they are moving toward a better future. 
11. Do treat them like you did before the divorce. They will need consistency in their surroundings more than ever before. They will be sensitive to how others treat them, so be an example and be normal. Being single does not make them broken, partial, or back in Primary again. If they were capable of teaching Gospel Doctrine before the divorce, they are still capable now. 

The cycle of abuse, and why it's hard for victims to get out. 

THE "DO NOT'S" OF DIVORCE NAVIGATION

1. Do not advise them to stay in an abusive situation. No matter what level of abuse they are experiencing, abuse is dangerous and harmful to all family members involved, and tends to perpetuate to the next generation if the situation is not removed. Remember, no one deserves to be abused for any amount of time, or for any reason. You do not have to encourage the divorce, but do not discourage it. An abuse victim has gathered up all her (or his) strength to come to you, at great risk. She fears her husband finding out, and the repercussions if he does. Never tell an abusive husband that his wife came and "told on him." If you feel you must talk to him and call him into your office to confront him, do it after she has fled, or is in a safe situation. Then you can advise that he go to counseling. In 90% of cases, the abusers refuse to admit they abuse, say that the victims deserved it, and cannot change their ways, nor do they have any desire to. And they won't let go of their victims easily. And call the Church's Abuse Hotline. They may advise you to advise her to get a protective or restraining order. 
2. Do not be judgmental. Do not sit behind your desk casting dark looks upon them for not having a perfect life. Be patient, understanding, comforting, and just listen. They may make bad choices against your better judgement while they find their way. Just love them and keep them in your prayers. You cannot possibly know what it is like to be the victim in their case unless you too have been there. Try to understand the best you can. Then focus all of your judgments on their eternal salvation. 
3. Do not fear them because they are "single." There is an unfair predatorial stigma attached in the church with singles, especially women. The married sisters believe that the divorcees will suddenly be interested in their husbands. The church leadership believes she will seduce her Home Teacher. Or her Gospel Doctrine Class. Or her bishop. In the study, 94% of the divorced sisters said that they would never even think about flirting with the married men in her ward. That other 6% is usually the ones who flirted before the divorce, so everyone knows who they are. Divorcees are not suddenly desperate creatures out to get anyone they can. Most are content to be single, fearing getting into another relationship like they just had. They are also good, god-fearing people who are not interested in breaking up your family, or breaking their covenants. The last thing they need is to be treated like they are contagious. Do not put them into callings that seclude them from others who may be a support to them (such as the nursery, or the library). Keeping them serving in the ward will be good for them to stay connected, and feel needed, like before. Anything you can do that is the same as before is best. 
4. Do not fall for the common myths of divorce.                              *The men are always at fault. This is not true. More and more women are becoming the abusers and breaking their covenants, or having addictions.                                                                                *It takes two. Not always. When one partner has a personality disorder, is a pathological liar, abusive, or adulterous, there is nothing that the other partner can do to change the course of that marriage.    *If someone divorces in your ward, everyone will want to. Ridiculous. Like I said earlier, people don't divorce and break up their families easily. 
5. Do not try to give legal advice. You are not equipped with the answers to the legalities of the divorce court in your state unless you are a divorce lawyer yourself. You do not want to be liable for advise  gone awry. Let them know that you cannot give that kind of counsel. Advise them to seek this kind of legal protection. 

When a couple, or spouse, comes to you and announces that they are getting a divorce: You will want to speak to the couple together (unless abuse is the issue), or individually and lay down the rules for them. You may add to this list some ideas of your own. Here are mine from the survey. 

• The person not staying in the home should move to another ward. It complicates things in your ward when both are there sitting in different places in the congregation. Most likely it will start a civil war in your ward with people taking sides. The other spouse should be advised to move out of the boundaries of your ward and stake. It will be better for them to get the full support from a different bishop and stake president than the spouse is using. 
• Neither is to speak of the details of the divorce to other ward members. No recruiting ward members to "their side." Of course, there are usually some close friends within the ward boundaries, but ask if they could keep the information confidential to avoid ward gossip from spreading. Do not tell one spouse and not the other. Otherwise, one will keep silent and leave an open forum for the other to spread rumors. Either tell both to keep it silent, or none. Tell them if you hear of rumors, they will be called back in to chat with you. Be very firm on this. 
• Explain that you are not their attorney. You do not want them calling you every time they feel the other partner has done something they don't like. You are not their mediator. You are their spiritual guide. Their ward father. You will give them support, but will not get in the middle of their battle. 
• Explain to them (whomever is staying in the ward) that you will be setting him/her up with the special Home Teaching couple to give them the added support they will need. 
• Set them up with professional counseling, for the adults as well as the children (if any). This is invaluable and lifts much of the burden from your shoulders. It will be the best way the ward funds can be spent in saving that family. 
• Counsel them to keep their covenants while going through this trial. Keep up their temple attendance, more now than ever. 
• Counsel the brother to take his stewardship over his family seriously, and tell him you don't want to hear that he is shirking this responsibility. You want to hear that he is being equitable in making sure his family is well taken care of, both with alimony and child support issues. 
• Counsel them to do as amicable a divorce as possible, getting it done as soon as possible, not slowing it down with petty selfish greed. 

Surviving divorce and coming out victoriously is the goal for your members. 

As their Bishop, you have the power to keep your flock safe and secure in the arms of the safety of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, or toss them aside as outcasts and misfits. When divorcees feel ostracized by their ward family, it is hard to bring them back, and almost impossible to bring back their children, who are very sensitive to how their parents are treated. 

By caring enough to learn ways to best support them during this tough trial in their lives, you can make the difference between whether they end up on their feet, or in the gutter, so-to-speak. With the proper care during the divorce process, families can survive, and then thrive under the blessings of the church community. By pulling together their support in their ward family, their foundation of the church will be grounded, and the paths for their salvation set. Basically, if they can build resilience during one of the toughest trials in the LDS church in a "forever family" community, they can survive anything. 

Bringing every family safely into the eternities is the goal of every bishop. 

God bless you for your efforts in this regard, and may God grant you an extra wing on your mansions on high. Feel free to share this with your bishop associates. 

Some great insights into mental health and abuse:

-http://www.lovelivehealth.com/10-signs-emotionally-abused/

-http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/10-things-passive-aggressive-people-say

-http://ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com/2014/04/post-lds-divorce-suggested-bookblog-list.html

-http://www.narcissistswife.com

-http://illnessquiz.com/sociopath-test/

-http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html (profile of a sociopath)

-http://www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/abusers.htm

-http://safeharborsfl.org/domestic-violence/characteristics-of-an-abuser

Survey results can be found at www.ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com