HOW TO BE A FRIEND TO SOMEONE GOING THROUGH DIVORCE

A person's best medicine during a divorce is their friendships.

When a friend begins the divorce process, it can be very intimidating to his/her friends. Divorce is one of the scariest nightmares any person can think of, and most don't even comprehend how horrible it really is. But most everyone had some level of fear growing up that their parents might split up, and later that their own spouse might leave them. It's one of those places most of us avoid at all costs. 

Many a friend will see a buddy going through a divorce as someone free-falling into a well. If they reach out to catch them, the momentum will drag them down with them. Divorce is a scary, toxic, unknown tangle that most run from. As the person going through it, it is the nightmare of all nightmares, especially if having to do it alone. If there is ever a time in one's life that good friends are needed, it is during this special trial. It is my hope that you will find the courage and inner strength to be that friend. 

I had been on both sides of this trial. I listened as friends told me of their challenges, and it was hard to believe how terrible the divorce process was. I was sure their experiences were isolated incidents. I couldn't believe that ex-spouses-to-be could act like that, that attorneys could be so such and such, that a judge could decide that was the best thing for all. I would soon enough learn differently. 

A major thing I learned during my own divorce was about who my true friends were. I found that they tended to fall into three categories. 

     1. THE FOX-Those who had always secretly envied you, competed with you, or had some deep-seeded resentment towards you. These "nice-to-your-face" friends will see this as an opportunity to take the opposing side against you. You will be surprised at how many are in this category. Their reactions and behavior during and after your divorce:

   

•     Side with the ex-spouse
•     Gossip about you to all your friends
•     Withdraw their friendship
•     Become hostile towards you

     2. THE FAIR-WEATHER-FRIEND-Those who fear toxicity and negative experiences in life. Your "fair-weather-friends." These people just don't like to be involved in your life unless things are fun and easy. If effort is involved, they will usually not be interested in furthering the relationship. Most of your friends will probably fall under this category, unfortunately. Their reactions during and after the divorce:

•     They disappear from your life, and may or may not come back when things settle down.
•     They do not answer your calls, decline lunch invitations, and busy themselves elsewhere. 
•     They exclude you from activities that you used to do together. They will go with others     instead. 

   3. THE TRUE FRIEND-Those who rally to your side and support you however they can. You will be surprised at how few there are in this category. If you are reading this post in order to better support a friend in their divorce, then you are included in this category. Their reactions during and after the divorce:

•     They will be more of a friend than ever. 
•     They will stop what they are doing and stand by you.
•     They will stick with you to the end of the process, and afterwards. 
•     They will check up on you regularly
•     They will make more of an effort to spend time with you
•     They will listen and listen and listen to you
•     They will defend you against false reporters

During a time when I needed friends the most, this was a very painful learning experience. Those in the third category numbered a very few, and most of my friends and family fell into category number two, unfortunately. There were enough in the first to make my already tough situation that much worse. 

I was one who had always prided myself in being a good friend, and in being there for them when they needed me. I may do a lot of things wrong in my life, but I bent over backwards to support my friends through their trials. The heart-breaker for me was when it was my turn, it was a different story. I lost 75% of my friends during this short time. They often disappeared altogether, or worse,sided with the ex. They believed his lies, they spread his lies. Where was their loyalty? Where was their support when I needed them the most? It hurt and angered me. And opened my eyes to who my true friends really were, and where I should be spending my time and efforts. A great lesson to learn. 

I prided myself on being a good friend to others in their time of need, and I appreciated those who did the same for me.

I remember as a young teen being asked to speak in church on the subject of being and choosing good friends. It was an invaluable experience because I had to put a lot of thought into what it meant to "put-into" a friend relationship. As kids we tend to be very self centered, looking at any relationship as a "what-is-in-it-for-me?" kind of gig. Having to teach others how to be good friends taught me how I needed to be in my friendships. I'm afraid that this aspect in life is not one that is taught very often. Parents assume that kids will pick this up on their own, but they don't. 

After wading through my divorce pretty much alone, even after this level of commitment to my friends, I wondered if others had gone through similar experiences in their divorces? So I conducted a study. Over the next few years divorce victims shared with me their heart breaks and divorce nightmares. I found that my experience was pretty universal. So I asked the question, WHAT SHOULD OUR FRIENDS HAVE DONE FOR US? HOW COULD THEY HAVE BEEN BETTER FRIENDS DURING THIS TOUGH TIME IN OUR LIVES? 

The answers were interesting, and will be included at the end of this post. The conclusions I have come to I will share with you. 

BEING A BETTER FRIEND WHILE SUPPORTING THOSE GOING THROUGH DIVORCE

1. Ask them what kind of support they would like to see from you during this time. "What kind of support could I offer you during your divorce?" 

• "Could I take your kids while you are in court?"
• "Could I sit with you when you go to your attorneys or court?"
• "Would you like to go to lunch and just talk?"
• "Please call me when ever you need to vent?"
• "Do you want me to come over more often, or do you need your space?" 
• "Would you like me to talk to your children?" 
• "Would you like to continue to be included in our usual activities?" 
• "Is it okay if I check on you regularly?"

Just ask them exactly what kind of support would be of most help to them, whether it is emotional, or lessening her burdens with their daily activities. Then follow through consistently. Remember, it will end at some point, and her well-being will be better intact by the end if they have support now. If not, she/he will be in a needy mode for even longer while they recuperate. Put reminders on your calendar if needed to keep vigilant in this effort. 

     2. Regularly check up on them. 

• Phone calls...."I was thinking about you today, how are things?" (then listen)
• Text messages "Hey girlfriend, how are you holding up today?" 
• Emails...."Hey, I found some articles on a blog about what should be in the decree..." 
• Lunch/dinner trips....(then listen)
• Personal visits/time together/shopping/the gym....(then listen)

The thing that is most needed during this time is someone to talk to. It is a most discouraging time of their life, and they are not usually equipped to face this kind of trial alone. They will need someone to bounce off ideas from, vent to, and they will probably tell you the same stories over and over again. Maybe even for a year or two. It is part of the process of healing. You are an important part of this healing process. Be patient with them. They solve many of their problems through talking it out with someone who is understanding and supportive. 

I was blessed to be born into a family of mostly boys. Unfortunately, guys are not always willing to sit down and listen to things that they cannot fix. I often heard from them, "why do you always have to talk about it?" Men handle these things differently, that is why, if the friend is a guy, you need to be respectful of his way of handling it. But, if you are a guy supporting a female, you need to buck up and be a good listener. Just listen. No, you can't fix it. She or he does not expect you to, they just need to talk about it and get validation. "Yes, that truly was horrid of him/her to do"...."I can't believe you have to go through this"...and lots of "uh huh, uh huh." Just listen. They will feel much better after you do. 

Getting together and letting them talk is the best tonic to divorce blues. 

    3. Be Encouraging

• Always speak encouraging words..."You are such a strong person," "I love how you handled that situation," "If there is one thing I know about you, it is that you can do hard things, and you always land on your feet," "I'm sure you will do the right thing, you always do"......
• Send flowers once or twice with a note...."Just thinking about you, you are in my prayers every day"..... "Go get 'em tiger!" "I thought my friend could use a smile today." 
• Send a letter or email "What I have always admired and appreciated about you..." 

If there is ever a time in their life when they need a kind word, it is now. Give them freely. Be a cheerleader in their life. You cannot solve their problems, but you can recharge their batteries often so that they have the confidence and stamina to meet their challenges. 

    4. Be Loyal

• Keep confidences
• Stand up for them when others are ridiculing and judging
• Don't give up on them
• Avoid the ex-spouse-to-be, be civil but make it clear of your loyalty

In your situation, it will be easy to see your friend at their worst. This is when they need you the most. This is not the time to walk away. It will pass, and things will be better than before if you hold strong. Your friend will need to see you stick up for her, not fall to the charms and games of the soon-to-be-ex. 

Be limitless in your support and kindness during the divorce of your friends. 

    5. Be Resourceful

• Do you know of an excellent attorney? Do any of your friends or associates?
• Do you know of a good family therapist? Do your friends or associates?
• Do you know of any support groups in their area? 
• Can you find any articles or blogs on the subject of divorce that may be of help?
• Do you have acquaintances who have been through divorce that may help navigate? 

You may not have all the answers, but you may lead them to those who do. When a person is in the middle of it themselves, they are too overwhelmed to be able to come up with these on their own. It is usually new territory for all of you, and there are good ways to get through it, and bad ways. The better equipped they are with knowledge, the better they will survive the experience, and come out the other end safe and protected for their future. The better the divorce is handled now, the less of a burden they will be later. This is not just an investment in their lives, but in yours as their friend. 

    6. What NOT To Do

• Give advice on subjects you know nothing about. Don't guess or assume you know. 
• Gossip to others about what is going on
• Judge them 
• Avoid them
• Take their problems onto yourself, feel personally responsible to solve everything

Gossip is one of the most damaging things that happens during a divorce.

When a person is going through divorce, it is as stressful as someone losing a loved one to death, and more so. I have done both and can tell you from experience. The difference is the way they are handled by those in their circle of influence.

When someone dies, the community sends flowers, notes, and casseroles. Folks rally around them with sympathy and love. The victims feel an outpouring of support from everyone in their lives.

When someone divorces, the community shuts them out, treats them like they have the plague that is contagious, and ignores them. The victims are further victimized by becoming the subject of ridicule and gossip. Blame must be placed somewhere, stories and speculation circulate. The spouse is deserted by friends, church members in many cases, and often many family members.

Children of divorcing parents are treated like street urchins, often neighbors will no longer let their friends play with them. The children are treated badly at a time where their whole world is falling apart. They often go into drugs, sex, and lose their way afterwards.

Families who have good friends who help to navigate, support, and protect them during this time end up being much more resilient during the devastation of divorce. Everyone deserves to have at least one good friend who will stand by them no matter what. It takes the best of people to be this for them. Who do you know who is going through a nasty divorce? Give them a call and give them some encouragement today. Be the friend you will want to have when it is your turn for a trial.

Be the friend you would want to have when it is your turn for a trial. 

              RESPONSES FROM MY SURVEY ON THE SUBJECT

35. HOW COULD YOUR FRIENDS AND CHURCH MEMBERS HAVE

      SUPPORTED YOU BETTER?

• Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you......................45.6%
• Personal visits, lunch/dinner trips, time together.........................48.1%
• Come to court with you, attorneys meetings.................................6.3%
• A listening ear...............................................................................53.8%
• Other......comments.......................................................................40.5%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. "no one knew what to do, a lot of people said they'd have us over but no one ever did." "included me in activities,"
2. "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice." "anything other than being ignored."
3. "I wish they had supported my husband more. I was fine, but he felt abandoned and that was hard for me to hear and see."
4. "not spread gossip."
5. "offer to babysit so that I could take care of legal matters."
6. "Needed help dejunking my house and yard."
7. "not judging and blaming me for his abuse." "Not judge me!" "Don't take sides or judge me." "no judgment just smile at me."
8. "There was one person- the EQ president- who did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of. He was amazing. The rest of the ward kinda fell back but I wasn't close to any of them."
9. "They have respected my privacy. I appreciate that."
10. "Looking me in the eyes at church, refraining from treating my kids like THEY did something wrong."
11. "never saw my visiting teachers didn't have any visits from anybody but my home teachers and they were the best support."
12. "ACT NORMAL AROUND ME, INVITE ME TO ACTIVITES I USED TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT WERE MY COUPLE FRIENDS." "just stay the same." "I had great support, including friends going to court with me. However, soon after the drama ends, Singles in the church fall off the radar chart. I still have good female friends, but am less often invited to do things by couples. They're still friends, but they don't think about including unmarried people in some events." 
13. "Help with the children. More priesthood contact with the children." "Help with giving me a break from some of the task that playing both roles required...but only occasionally. I needed to learn to be independent, too."
14. "My ward and church friends were wonderful, at least the ones who knew about it." "Had great support among my lds friends."
15. "lunch/dinner/activities/time together. It was so nice to do & be somewhere different. It gave me break from my chaos."
16. "been at least neutral instead of 'siding' with the husband."
17. "Sisters could have not acted like I was going to grab their husband the first chance I got."
18. "My ward family was amazing. I answered questions from those who asked. I already knew who my true friends were. I have a great RS Pres. HPG Leader is aware of my needs. Bishops have been the men I needed when I needed them. No complaints at all."
19. "I think people can always use lots of support going through a divorce, but I felt suppot and love from my small branch."
20. "There was one ward member who was so judgmental that he ask that I no longer be his wife's visiting teacher. He would also not speak to me even in small groups. That was mean and hard to deal with."
21. "it was me that didn't let them in. I didn't trust anyone. still not very good at it."
22. "My ward members in SC were great but I have felt very judged and ostracized by ward members in UT since remarrying and moving here."
23. "THEY LISTENED REALLY WELL, SUPPORTIVE OF ME EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WENT WITH HIM."
24. "I just wish they treated me as a real person with feelings, not just a charity case."
25. "I realized I had no friends during this process."
26. "NOT TREAT ME LIKE I HAVE A PLAGUE." "They backed off like I had the plague. I'd been in that ward for 22 years. That hurt!"
27. "I was desperate for love and validation that I was ok." "A HUG, WORDS OF KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING, ENCOURAGEMENT."

LISA MCDOUGLE WITH GRANDBABY NUMBER TEN

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