STUDY SHOWS REAL REASONS BEHIND LDS DIVORCES

Author:

Lisa McDougle

A recent study shows finances are no longer the main reason LDS women file for divorce, and in fact is No. 5 on the list. Abuse in all its forms has risen to the top, at 60.2 percent. A great victim resource is the ChainBreakers Foundation.

After experiencing divorce myself in a “families are forever” church, I felt like I had entered a different world inside of the LDS culture. It was my turn to take center stage for what felt like arena of gossipers and stone throwers in our congregations. Having possibly been a contributor of this judging activity in the past, the flip-side I found to be beyond comfortable. In fact it was miserable and lonely. Many questions came to mind about whether my experience was isolated, or was pretty standard for our Mormon culture.

While I was still married, divorced friends tried to explain their experience and gain my understanding but I could not comprehend the magnitude of their sufferings. I feared what they were going through, and did not know how to support them. The word “divorce” was always the word I feared most, and I could see nothing that would bring greater destruction to families. Many years later when I experienced my own life-altering “family destruction,” feeling like an outcast in my society of Saints, and wondering why the “Saints” did not rally around me, I had to have some questions answered.

Why do LDS members divorce in a church that encourages the eternal relationship? Why do many members withdraw support from those going through this experience, even to the point of ridiculing the couple, and sometimes the children? Do members believe that divorces occur for frivolous reasons and that the couples have not tried to reconcile? Do they believe that God would prefer a woman (or man) to stay in a dead-end, abusive, or cheating marriage to conform to the comfort of society’s norm? That they should stay in a bad marriage no matter how bad it is? What can LDS members do to better support those going through such a devastating experience? With 60% divorce victims leaving the church, what can leaders and members do better to retain divorcees in the church?

For the past 3 years I have asked those questions in a study among LDS Divorcees around the world. According to the results of thousands of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have participated in my multinational survey, the experiences among our religious culture appear to be pretty similar, Utah being the toughest place to divorce. During 2012 through 2014, divorced respondents include members living in the United States, Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, Canada and Africa, with the majority of the input coming from Utah, California and Idaho.

I learned that divorce in the LDS Church has gone through a change in recent years. Statistics in the 1990s indicated most resulted from financial conflicts, as referenced in Elder Marvin J. Ashton's 1992 finance guide "One for the Money." Although money continues to be a major topic of contention among married couples, other, more serious, issues seem to be topping the list of causes.

My survey shows the highest contributing factors today include the following: (respondents often indicated more than one reason)

1. Some form of abuse: 60.2 percent

2. Infidelity: 56.5 percent

3. Addiction: 44.7 percen 

4. Personality disorders: 37.9 percent 

5. Finances: 24.8 percent

6. Same-gender attraction: 5.6 percent




In a General Relief Society meeting held in September 1998, President Gordon B. Hinckley stated his concern about the incidence of divorce, saying: "Divorce is becoming so common, even rampant, that studies show in a few years half of those now married will be divorced."

When pondering the surveys top listed causes, I have to admit my surprise at the realization that abuse topped the list. Which raised another question, has abuse become more common, or are today's women less likely to continue in an abusive marriage now that divorce has been made easier in the court system? A rise in divorces by women increased in Utah when the no-fault “Family Law Act” divorces were passed in 1969.

A victim's pathway to safety can be fraught with uncertainty and the fear of more abuse if she is caught trying to leave an abusive relationship. LDS women who are regularly abused on any level often seek help from church authorities, from local resources and, usually lastly, through legal avenues.

The study seems to indicate that abused spouses most often are kept from having control of funds, making it difficult to get proper legal help. Mothers may win custody of their children in divorce proceedings but not adequate financial support to take care of them in a divided household income situation. Most often, abuse does not end with the termination of the marriage, though the children and mother will begin to thrive in the safer environment.


Bishops can provide direction in providing struggling couples with counseling. Though not formally or extensively trained to deal with cases of abuse, LDS ecclesiastical leaders can still be more helpful when they become informed, keep an eye on potentially fraught situations and guide victims to proper professional assistance. Because bishops' powers are limited, victims should not expect them to solve their problems, give legal advice or rescue them.

Douglas Hall, a practicing family law attorney of 30 years, said, “I am quite aware that some of our local clergy struggle to grasp and understand completely what an abused spouse is trying to tell them, or what they are dealing with. A narcissistic husband is so convincing to the outside world.”

When asked about the commonality of the personality disorder of “narcissism,” Hall went on to say, “This seems to be the thread that runs through many of my cases. It appears in one form or another. I was not really aware of this syndrome until recently, but now I can usually pick right up on it now that I am aware of the symptoms.”

The Utah Domestic Violence Council, a valuable resource for victims, reported this year that 3,751 domestic violence charges were filed between July 2010 and July 2011. Between 2001 and 2008, there were 198 domestic violence homicides in Utah alone. The Utah Department of Health and Injury Protection Program (VIPP) estimates that 40,000 women are physically abused by intimate partners each year.

Physical abuse is easier to detect than the more subtle, but just as damaging, other types of abuse. Abuse takes on many forms and cannot always be easily identified by family, church leaders, friends or, sometimes, even experts in psychology. According to this survey, abusers use one or more of the following techniques:

•    Emotional abuse

•    “Gas-lighting”/Crazy-making

•    Verbal abuse

•    Destruction of personal property

•    Intimidation, coercion and threats

•    Sexual abuse

•    Physical abuse

•    Abuse of authority

•    Restriction of freedom and/or relationships, isolation

•    Economic abuse: controlling money or job ability

•    Using male privilege: "unrighteous dominion"

•    Using children to manipulate spouse

•    Passive-aggressiveness

The Graph used in Bishop's manuals on abuse. 

The cycle of abuse goes through stages of reconciliation, a honeymoon phase, denial and then further abuse. The victim is led to believe that the problems in the marriage are his/her own fault for his/her lack of "perfection."

Women and children who are abused regularly on any level come to church, or other public activities, putting on their best "everything is normal" act, making it hard to recognize their plight. The abusers are typically charmers, often highly functioning in important church or community positions, making it hard for victims to be believed or validated even among their own circles of support.

Too often victims turn to legal or ecclesiastical authorities but then call it all off when the abuser puts on a "repentant" act. Hall advises victims to “get out sooner than later. I know of only a few cases that didn’t get worse. It’s hard, particularly when the abused spouse wants to believe that the other will change.”

When asked where victims of abuse can go to get support and education, Hall suggested the ChainBreaker Foundation as "the best resource I’ve come across. Disseminating the availability of this resource to those who need it, (however), is the problem.”

The ChainBreaker Foundation is an organization based in Orem that operates with the goal of giving victims the tools to navigate through or out of tough and sometimes dangerous relationships. Founder Joan Shippen holds informative weekly meetings featuring professional and educational speakers.

Empowered victims often become volunteers and mentors, returning much-needed support to other attenders. Kerrie , one of those volunteers, said, "Joan Shippen is the 'Mother Teresa' of Utah."

"Our goal is to strengthen women so that they are no longer considered victims on any level," Shippen said. "Women come here lost, confused and afraid. After a few classes they walk away feeling validated, realizing that they are not alone, that people care, and that there are ways to escape the abuse. We hope they get the tools that they will need to be courageous. Only they can do what it will take to stop the vicious cycle."

But women are not always the victims, Shippen said. "Lately more and more men are attending our classes. It is imperative that we teach our children the symptoms of abusive behaviors so that they will not marry into abuse and continue this cycle from generation to generation.”


Abuse appears to be a rising problem, one exacerbated by addictions, which are also rampant. Few things are tougher than to watch loved ones suffer from abusive relationships. Victims usually need to rescue themselves and, unfortunately, they often resent interference from well-intentioned loved ones. As Shippen said, "We cannot liberate victims; we can only educate them. They must liberate themselves."

The victims have to arrive at that point where they finally believe "enough is enough." Then, and only then, will they do what it takes to escape. At this highly volatile point, family, friends, ward leadership and members can, and should, step in to assist in whatever ways are necessary. As Shippen has said, "Together we can break the chains of domestic abuse."

For more information on symptoms of abuse, cheating spouses, results of my research, the survey and other updates on “divorce in the LDS community,” visit ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com. The research was conducted by LDevelopment LLC using volunteers recruited through social media and forums for LDS singles. To participate in the survey visit the appropriate link: LDS divorced women or LDS divorced men.

Lisa McDougle is the president of LDevelopment LLC, which does motivational research, and speaks across the nation for women, youth, and single adults; she is a mother of seven and a grandmother of 12. Contact her at lisa@lisaspeaks.org.

Lisa McDougle with her new husband, Scott, after 2 1/2 years of marital bliss.