LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 7

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part seven of the survey for LDS Divorced Men.

                                     PART SEVEN

                              QUESTIONS 43-47

43. How could your friends and ward members have served you better while you were going through this trial? 

1. Phone calls, texts, emails, regular check ups...................................35.16%

2. Personal visits, lunch/dinner together, time spent together..............38.28%

3. A listening ear.................................................................................40.63%

4. Going with you to court, attorney meetings.........................................78%

5. Other................................................................................................43.75%

COMMENTS:

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "I don't need them to get through this."

"They could not have. I did not want anyone involved." "It is not their responsibility to fix me." "I didn't seek or need help."

"There was nothing I required that was not handled. I wouldn't have changed anything." "I dont think that ward members should get involved." "the majority of them would be unable to help as they have no experiences similar." "no one wanted to take sides, I understand." "left me the **** alone." "None of their business." "Nothing."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "Encourage reconciliation"

"I begged the Bishop to counsel her against the divorce. He would not. Church counselors also recommended her divorce me against the Stake President's wishes. I was very dispointed that few if any members counseled my wife against leaving. Even the First Presidency issued a Temple cancellation against my will when I had kept my covenants.It was a very negative experience from which I still suffer spiritually, emotionally and financially." "Encourage reconciliation, rather than helping Satan divide and separate." "i think ward members could have been more active to influence her for good." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Be true friends."

"I feel my friends (except one) pretty much abandoned me." "Love that God gives." "Oh, I dunno, maybe stuck up for me when it was apparent that I was being censured." "anything at all would have been nice." "Ward members could have helped by expressing some level of recognition that I surely was hurting." ""be friendly and not make me talk about it." "Try to treat me like I was human.""My new ward was great, several guys became close friends, especially thru basketball practices." ""For my fellow brethren of the Ward, a simple arm around my shoulder with a simple "how are you? I think about you often, if you need anything call me." Instead, I felt that most people avoided me as if they might catch the "divorce bug."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Not gossiped" 

"Not gossip about my divorce." "Allowing the courts to determine the truth of allegations and not judging based on rumor and smear campaign." "lose the listening ear. stay out of the divorce issue and let the couple work it out rather than hear half the story and pass judgement." "reserve judgement- 'In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'"

Gossip always gets back to the person being talked about. By then it is quite the story. 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "They were great"

"I did have some incredible friends I found during this process. They were there often when I needed them and didn't pry too hard." "they did great." "they were perfect as is." "My friends were all very supportive and encouraging." "nothing they were great." "I could not have asked for better support." "they bent over backwards, couldn't have asked for more." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Other"

"babysitting." "Bishop had my Xwife and girls over for dinner multiple times, girls took this to mean he supported their mom only. They have no idea why we divorced." "there could have been home teachers, but I guess my home teacher was the Bishop." "Was left to my own means. My ex was over the top brought food and given emotional support and she was the abuser.. the victims were left to fend for themselves." "Stay in touch even after I had to move." "I could have used a little more support but I should have asked for more help I can't expect them to know what I was going through with out me saying something."   

Ward members and friends often don't know how to handle those going through divorce.

44. Did the final divorce settlement reflect the best interest, safety, financial stability of the children?

1. Yes....................................................................................58.59%

2. No.....................................................................................20.31%

3. Not applicable...................................................................21.09%

45. How could your bishop have served you better? 

COMMENTS: 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Showed support by........"

"Said hello." "Less bias toward women. Woman are just as evil and selfish, if not MORE so, than men. LDS Church leaders and members are out of touch with the reality of how powerful the influence is that Satan has over women to destroy innocent little children families and to weaponize children used as a tool of punishment in divorce." "Having compassion." "He could have been more involved... He was so clearly out of his element/comfort zone... Too bad, as he lived just down the street and drove by multiple times a day." "I felt he did not want to hear what I had to say because we met one time and it was brief. He never followed up with me after initial visit." "Be much more forgiving on repentance issues." "Called. Talked to me. Offered ways to stay in the church. After my divorce they still know nothing about how to help a divorced member of the church." "More proactive by pulling me in for check ups rather than relying on me to set up those appointments." "Somehow been more in tune, prayerful about us....if he had discreetly called me in for an interview to find out how things were...offer counseling, call her in separately to hear her side..." "Being there for me." "Not treat me like a leper." "He could have called me occasionally." "actually listened to both sides of the story and looked at the evidence, rather than the lies of my ex." "by being firm." "My Bishop barely acknowledged me when I told him my wife left and was not coming back." "More involvement with us as a couple." "He remained very aloof during the whole process - I would have appreciated some direct emotional and spiritual support." "Make the stake president see me to finish my recommend." "Honesty, integrity, Joint assistance." "Just stayed neutral. I must be honest and admit that I expected his support because I was active, had calling and my wife had new "girlfriend". He gave her more support and backing then me to keep her active and keep her very large family all in our ward happy. He told me that he knew I have strong testimony and he needed to support her. When I bring up her girlfriend, he says he just doesn't know what to do." "might have followed up; could have used more discretion." "Been there ...took a interest in me...It was like I was dropped off at the corner and was told you're on your own kid...good luck and they vanished." "He could have believed me, that abuse was taking place, and ordered my ex to account for her lies. He would not watch or listen to audio and video files of alleged abuse of me and the children.. this allowed her time to continue her trappings and to make life difficult. Had several bishops who all faltered. One found us a therapist after my pleadings, he convinced me not to involve police and not to have my wife sent to jail one night. I wish I would not have headed his advice as it would have helped her get help if she had a police record. One bishop kept calling us in to visit, he enabled patterns of abuse... I told him to stop wasting his compassionate time on us as we needed professional help.. he tried too hard, and had he told my ex to pull up her big girl panties and to comply with the law, and to get treatment, things might have been different with the outcome, but he was sucked into her stories... a lie told often enough is often taken as truth.. this is what happened to very sound men.. now, they see me as full time dad, and pretty much leave me to myself.. no one has come up to me and offered support, its been 5 years, many lonely times, many financially devoid times.. .37 cents in a bank account several years ago, no heat in my house, no oil for cooking, lots of tortillas and ramens.. while my ex wife was eating from the Bishops Storehouse." "He could have done more to help after I was forced out of the home by a fraudulently obtained protective order." "I don't recall my bishop even recognizing that the divorce was taking place. Appropriate counseling with my spouse would make me feel better, but likely not changed things. Some support... or at least acknowledgement... would have helped. His attitude seemed to be 'whatever,'" "He did his best, after the split to take care of my ex. I would have liked a bit more help before everything went south." "He could have been intellectually, ethically and spiritually honest, could have shown interest in the kids and me, could have allowed me to continue to serve, could have opted to not run smack on me, could have made at least a fraction of the effort to be involved in the kids and my situation as he did towards my ex." "Discernment. D&C 10:37." "Seriously anything at all would have helped." "could have been inspired to recognize her lies and then help me out. Even after he realized he was wrong there was no apology or help." "By not taking sides publicly or privately. By not condoning the 'no fault' divorce." "My ex-wife is very persuasive, he could have at least tried to hear both sides." "PROVIDE SOME KIND OF SUPPORT GROUP." "

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "He did all he could"

"He did all he could!!" "Could not have helped better, he was great." "My Bishop could not have served me better. Again, he made certain I received both my Patriarchal Blessing AND Endowment. He listened to me, counseled me and hired me as, at the time, his only full time/salaried employee. I am in my 5th year of employment and he treats me like gold." "Nope. He did his best." "He was okay with his response." "He did what he needed and I wouldn't change anything." "I feel he gave me good counsel the day I informed him of my divorce being final, and I do not fault him for anything. I felt as though he was the only person in my ward who cared about me or even knew who I was." "My bishop was awesome. I don't think there is anything he could have done to serve me better than he did." "He did great !" "He did his best." "He was great and very comforting." "He was very good. Supportive and checked on me and my kids all the time." "He did more than expected." "My Bishop was the ONLY one who helped me through this ordeal." "He was great when I asked for help but I probably did not ask for enough support." "My Bishop served me very well." "He was the best help (besides my home teacher)," "I think my bishops were supportive as they listened to me and don't know what else they could have done outside of the counsel they gave since individual agency is involved." "Our previous Bishop was there to help wherever he could. It was all done and finished before I knew, nothing more he could do." "He did great." "He was amazing," 

THE FATHER OF THE WARD

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "He could have counseled us to......" 

"He could have counseled against a frivolous and unnecessary divorce." "He should have told her to get rid of EVERYTHING that was coming between us." "Got more involved when he heard we were struggling. I didn't want to push her so I allowed her to choose how it was handled. But if this really was meant to be or as God knew it would perhaps he was inspired not to." "Not been so one sided...encouraged reconciliation rather than pushing for divorce. I don't think he knew what to do." "Could have been more "firm" with my ex on the consequences of the divorce." "Tried to talk her out of the divorce, but he said he couldn't really offer any advice. Must be a legal stance the church takes now." "he was a Psychologist, Marriage coun. He made every effort to listen to lies and did not try to help us stay together, just the opposite!" "He could have sent us to counseling, early on!!!!." "

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "I did not want his involvement" 

"He wasn't involved. It was my choice to leave him out of it." "I didn't ask for help" "I think he did alright but im not the kind of person who would want him to get involved." "HE HAD ENOUGH ON HIS PLATE, A LOT WAS GOING ON IN THE WARD AT THAT TIME SO I DID NOT INVOLVE HIM." "I have been in the bishopric before and know that they are limited in what they can do. I did not want to burden him." "I hoped to keep the ward out of the situation as much as possible." "I'm not as convincing as my wife, no matter what I said, he would take her side. So I did not even try." "He is a busy guy, I don't know what he could do to fix this many years of problems, or alter personalities or poor decisions."  

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Other......."

"I truly feel sorry for the man. He is still in over his head. He has lied to the stake leadership about his and his wife's actions. Even though I have followed his counsel he was hostile and only saw things through his eyes. Empathy or understanding are devoid in this mans' character. Even my LDS therapist after a lengthy conversation with him related that she had little hope of me being able to work with him due to his attitude." "Had church court on her." "Replace relief society leadership." "By holding a court for my wife, she admitted to having a affair with a married man but because her family sorta hold status in that ward he was of the opinion he didnt want to get involved in a personal matter and left it at that." "I was disappointed in how little my thoughts, problems, and trials mattered within the context of my marriage relationship once my es told our Bishop she was out. It was like talking to a brick wall trying to coordinate anything regarding her court or our family/custody issues. I was told basically, "Your marriage means nothing now that she's thrown it away." "Did not care to involve him. Current Bishop supports the current relationship because my ex-wife refuses to go to church since I have remarried a member in the same ward." " Did not talk to them nor did they ask to talk to me." "OUR BISHOP AND ONE OF HIS COUNSELORS VISITED US AT OUR HOME & SAID HE'D HEARD WE WERE GETTING DIVORCED. HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND TOLD US THAT IF WE NEEDED ANYTHING TO LET HIM KNOW. THAT WAS IT." " 

46. How could your ward leaders have served you better, including your Home Teachers, Elders or High Priest's Quorums? 

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                           "Fellowshipping/Support" 

"I am alone at home. Only when people need me to help do they contact me." "They offered to help, but I did not accept. They still offer." "Home Teaching visits, invite to activities / hang out." "prayers," "said hello," "Visited more." "Not many if any know how to work with older people who get divorced... Since the Church is so family oriented, there really is no information or experience on how to deal with us, except from us, and no one is asking us to talk/relate with others about this..." "Sent home teachers regularly." "Visit." "Extend an invitation to talk in person one-on-one privately and just tell me that even though it sucks right now you are still part of this ward, we will look after your kids when your not here. Still keep me in the loop with regards to children's ward activities," "Kept me busier," "They could have shown up...," "they all backed away and I got no support from them," "Any show of support would be helpful. No home teachers or anything offered help while I'm trying to fix up and pack up a whole house that was left in a mess when the ex and kids moved out leaving almost everything." "How does no one ever remember my name or that I'm a ward member?" "Home teachers were not very involved." "People going through divorce need solid Home Teachers who visit regularly. And I would add, the HTs need to be consistent not changing every month. I got tired of telling each new set of HTs what was going on. This might have been one reason I pulled away from the church for a time." "More interest in our well being." "They were not inormed on my end." "visits," "I don't know that they could have - aside from being spiritually in tune enough to detect that something was wrong." "Been there for me," "They could have let me know that they knew I existed. I feel I slipped between the cracks because nobody even attempted to contact me or fellowship me after my divorce." "Been there for me," "They all disappeared." "Introduced themselves. Offer to sit with me in church." "

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                  "Counseled...."

"They could have counseled against a frivolous and unnecessary divorce." "Elders Quorum pres was spot on. Unfortunately, it wasn't the something the ex was going to listen to." "Training," "I wish there was some kind of support group for those of us in the ward/stake who are going through or have gone through divorce. It is very lonely." "It would help to have someone who can give counsel on how to get through a divorce with the least amount of damage to the family." "Is there really no training or support materials or persons for those wading through divorce?" "It would have helped to have been given strong and wise Home Teachers that would stay with us through the whole ordeal and give extra support where needed." 

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                  "Not Judge"

"Less bias toward women. Woman are just as evil and selfish, if not MORE so, than men. LDS Church leaders and members are out of touch with the reality of how powerful the influence is that Satan has over women to destroy innocent little children families and to weaponize children used as a tool of punishment in divorce." "Less judgmental. More Christlike," "Under the volitility of the situation they did the best they could. Home teachers should be aware before blessing the children that if the father is worthy then he should be the one giving them a blessing. Except in cases of emergency of course." " by not taking sides." "When leaders would ask for information, it was usually to gossip instead of to support and guide." "They can never have all of the information, so they just need to be supportive to both sides."   

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Leave things alone" 

"left me alone," "Stay out of the way," "They couldn't. It really should not be any of their business. This is a personal thing." "If they can't be helpful, and only make things worse, just stay away and not pretend to care." "Don't make things worse than they already are." "Let me have some time to get through this," " Don't do anything if you are just going to treat me like I have the plague" "There is not a lot they can do but smile, give a hug, some encouragement, and then keep us in their prayers while we get through it as best we can." 

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                "They were great"
"They did the best they could," "they did great," "I wouldn't change anything." "My leaders and home teachers did an excellent job. I am very thankful for my Ward Family." "They did well," "They asked me what I needed....less callings, or more....less visits or more.....and they respected that and followed through. Everyone needs differently, so just ask and find out what is the best way to show support, and then do it." "They rallied around me and my family, It helped a LOT!" 

Dear Henry, Just a note to let you know you are in our prayers. 

47. What methods did you use for surviving the divorce?

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "I clung to the Gospel"   

"The Lord and following his commandments and precepts." "faith, trust in God!!!!" "Attend church regularly," "scripture reading, fasting, prayer, pondering, uplifting music, etc." "Temple. Went monthly until I felt like Heavenly Father was not there anymore." "The "Bishop's 5." Daily prayer, Scripture study, Regular Church Attendance, Pay full Tithe and Fast Offering, Go to the Temple." "Lots of prayer," "prayer, fasting," "I studied and prayed a lot." "Prayer," "Lots of prayer, temple attendance," "I pray, read scriptures," "I read the scriptures more to try to fill in the time," "Prayer, temple attendance," "Prayer! It saved my life!!!" "stay strong in the Church, attend the temple at least weekly," "Prayer, contemplation," "I prayed a lot, and just went on with my life working at lot, but it still took me years to get over it." "Prayer, lots of prayer," "gospel teachings," "Prayer, put former wife's name in Temple." "Living within means, staying close to gospel." "Same I use at any other time; prayer, introspection, seeking out wisdom from people I trust." "prayer and a lot of personal reflection" "getting out to church and church social events." "My testimony." "Cried alot, prayed a lot," "GOD," "volunteering at the Temple." "I stuck to the church and did my best at getting by each new day." "maintained againts all odds. I did all tht I should have done, it was not me that made the wrong choice to break the Cov." "gospel," "temple," "prayer, patience."

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "New Relationships/'Single's Programs"   

"Found a girl friend," "Internet dating." "Met some new friends. Ones I could trust that wouldn't take sides. Not even mine. I don't think that ever helps you to be honest." "I moved far away to a place I knew no one. I got new friends and built my own support," "With out the Facebook groups I have been involved in I would not be active in the church. I know no one in my stake." "Friends," "dated," "flirting on dating sites (after divorce)," "try to make good friends with good values." "Other active single friends and staying busy with them." "Immediately started dating," "I also made some new friends." "Stay active in social settings," "Getting out in public settings with other singles," "I became an active dater, especially online, they became the listening ear that I did not have anywhere else except from my Bishop," "Developed a support network of singles," "institute,"

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Clung to old relationships, friends/family"

"Family, friends, exercise, " "Shared what I was going through." "Good council especially from other divorced people," "Friends," "I had to seek out hobbies with friends to 'escape' the reality of my life at the time. These escapes were much needed reprieves from the stress and constant thoughts of failure." "talking with friends/family." "family activities." "closer relationship with my mother," "Going out with friends," " visit family after I told them what happened." "Support of friends and family was the best. " "talking to my close friends, kept busy," "seeking out wisdom from people I trust." "One breath at a time...and talk to my mother lots." "Friends and Family," "Friendships." "I was living in the midwest at the time of the divorce. I moved back to Utah where I had nearby family for support." "friends , family, random church members in various states," "When not depressed, visited with friends, stayed busy and served others." "Party with friends,"

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "I drowned myself in my work" 

"Just putting more time and effort into work and serving others." "Worked," "got a 2nd job to occupy myself." "kept busy/service" "hard work," "just went on with my life working at lot." "busied myself with work," "i kept busy and let time heal," "Worked and ignored it." "Finishing school, concentrating on work," "Focused on the kids and work, still doing that." "I was too busy working and raising my kids to think about it" "Worked harder and lots of emotional pain to deal with," "Work..." "I continued to wake up, go to work, work out, eat cereal....." "

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Exercise/recreational activities"

"I started going to a gym, and other hobbies." "I played basketball," "Worked at a hobby during a 2 year separation." "tried exercise and fitness," "Exercise. Going to gym daily." " focus on health, exercise," "I started running again, working out,"

"Exercise and weight loss," "exercise," "exercise more to help fill more of my time." "work out," "Dancing," "I continued to wake up,  work out....." "Physical activity," "Bike riding, exercising," "Long distance running," 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:   "Started developing new hobbies/past-times/projects/goals"  

"other hobbies." "Hobby," "books, internet," "worked on my house once I moved back in," "I wrote a list of things I wanted to improve in myself and worked towards achieving those things." "I had to seek out hobbies with friends to "escape" the reality of my life at the time. These escapes were much needed reprieves from the stress and constant thoughts of failure." "Read books or went online to obtain any information on the topic." "time on internet studying current events," "Went back to school," "played video games," "busied myself with hobbies," "stayed busy," "I Went back to school," "

Lot's of fishing, playing in a rock band and playing pool!"

Divorce is one of the toughest trials for children. They will need extra love and assurance. 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:               "Put my focus on the kids" 

"I took care of my girls," "focus on kids." "spent every minute I could with my child." "Did my best to be a good father." "Focus on my kids on the days they were with me and on improving myself when they weren't." "Focused on building stability and happiness for my children," "spending time with kids," "being a good father and getting on with my life." "busied myself with raising the kids," "I spent a lot of time with my kids, but I already was doing that before the divorce, but now they became the listening ear that I did not have anywhere else except from my Bishop." "Focused on the kids and work, still doing that." "

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "The unsuccessful approach"

"Dated a ton....but it didn't solve anything. I needed to face my problems and go through the process." "Illegal drugs." "fell back into despair after first attempt at dating post-divorce." "do you want an honest answer?....drink and lots of it." "I mostly just stayed in bed and slept a lot." "Denial, thinking she'd come back," "Alcohol," "Not very successful. I became and still am depressed." "Quiet tolerance of my wife's screaming at me, avoiding the situation, and alcohol."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "A change in perspective"

"I adopted a non-caring attitude." "Just move on." "I''m STILL trying to survive this RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY singles life!!" "I analyzed all the emotions I felt and determined which, if any, were 'guilt'. Any 'misdeeds' I apologized for. The rest is just the mourning of loss, loss of future dreams, etc." "I had to take a good look at myself and figure out how I had contributed to this marriage failure, and start doing things differently if I wanted a lasting relationship next time." "I started reading a lot of books to bring me to a higher place," "I guess I had taken the things that were most important to me for granted, so I tried to fix it, but it was too late. Next time I will do better." "I made a list of what I hoped for in my life the next time around. I saw this as a new beginning and wanted to map out a better approach this time around." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                    "Counseling"

"therapy," "Professional help for 9 months," "therapy," "Honesty with myself. counseling. taking the time to heal rather than jumping back into a relationship." "a good councilor helped." "Seeing a professional counselor." "professional counseling," "counseling," "one day at a time, counseling," "Counseling," "counseling was a must," "Professional counseling was a must." "family counselor" "SEEING A THERAPIST," "Counseling saved my life." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "Other"

"Sit on the front row, center, so I will not be in any family's spot, and will not have to be made sad by seeing all the families come in and sit together..." "letting go of past, forgiveness," "just general coping." "playing with my sister's cats, helping out my parents. I made a conscious decision the month after we separated, that I will NOT be one of those people, still bitter at their ex-spouse 10-20 years later...that has made all the difference. My ex and I have a working friendship now - or at least can deal with each other on friendly terms...I have accepted responsibility for my failings, and she has for hers (though she still doesn't see just how badly her issues affected me and damaged or marriage)" "just survived day to day," "I just dealt with it a day at a time until it was final," "One day at a time. Do not buy anything we did not need. Eat out rarely and dollar menu. Go to Salvation army or other charity for school clothes and Christmas presents," "lots of ice cream and movies," "try not to stay home alone." "just agreed to the Divorce and didnt fight it once I realized it was truly over," "A day at a time.." "one minute, one hour, one day--at a time," "I continued to wake up, go to work, work out, eat cereal....." "SAVING MONEY,  SPOKE TO MY BISHOP, JUST LET IT HURT AND SUFFER THROUGH IT TO THE END," "WORKED THROUGH IT TO THE END," "Music." "lots of loud music on the commute," "Listen to lots of motivational CD's. Tried to apply them but with reservations."

DIVORCE IS ONE OF THE MOST MADDENING OF LIFE'S EXPERIENCES

LDS DIVORCED MEN'S SURVEY, Part 6

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part six of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                            

                                              PART 6

                                                              QUESTIONS 36-42

36. Looking back, how would you have done things differently during/after the divorce?

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "I would have worked it out instead of getting a divorce."

"I would have stayed married to the irrational wife, and hoped God would make her well after death. Or at least get divorced after the children were grown." "I would have tried harder to deal with her bipolar irrationality...for the kids sake, if nothing else." "I would have tried harder to stay together." "Maybe fought harder to keep it going." "Did the best I could to save the marriage." .....and more.......

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "I did everything I could, would not do anything different."
"Would not change a thing." "I have done the best I could and always look to do the right thing even in the face of adversity. Not perfectly but try to find the best course of action." "There was almost nothing I could have done, unless it was to stand up for myself and confront her within the first 2 months of marriage...(or tell my family) both of which would have caused more problems, or be dismissed as adjustment problems in a new marriage. We NEVER had money for counseling, she didn't trust LDS Social Services as being truly trained/competent for marriage counseling, nor did she want to talk with the bishop about this, fearful of starting gossip about us/her." "My Stake President told me I was more than charitable and my new Stake President told me I passed with flying colors. My Bishop told me to just move on. I waited a year to tell my siblings who all lived out of town, hoping she'd be more apt to come back if they didn't know. Looking back, I should have told them right away like I did my local church leaders. My brothers were all very supportive and more helpful than I thought they'd ever be. I wasted a year in the healing process. Nothing...I did all that was asked of me of Heavenly Father and beyond. Many non members ask why I put up with it for so long." "no. i do not think so. i have often thought that if i truly loved i should not have divorced her, but she would not stop and so i made the decision to divorce. after she received the summon she was angry and said if you really loved me you would never have divorced me. i said i did love her but i need to get on with my life now, she had ample time to get back. i had a church lawyer handle my case and he said divorce her." "Would do the same, but pray extra hard for the Lord's help."....and more....

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Child custody issues."

"Gotten joint custody of my daughter" "I would have had physical joint custody." "Focused more on my children before they moved to be with their mother" "I would have paid for an attorney. I thought that I could do it on my own, but soon afterward, she took advantage of some provisions and my lack of understanding, and moved the kids out of state and got sole legal custody." "I should have fought harder for the custody of my kids," "I would have fought harder for sole custody to protect my kids more." "Raising two kids alone has been difficult. We go to church but we miss a lot with one of us having sniffles or something more serious a fair amount of time." "I would have become the greatest father/mother figure in their lives - concentrating on their needs and not dating until they were 18." .......and more........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "I would have spoken up/ kept it to myself" 

 "I would have been more open."  "I would have been more assertive, stand up for my rights. I think I was still in love and didn't want to burn any bridges." "I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MYSELF MORE. I WAS CONCERNED WITH HOW THINGS WOULD BE FOR MY EX AFTER OUR DIVORCE, SHE WAS NOT CONCERNED ABOUT ME, SHE WAS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT HERSELF. I LET MYSELF BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF." "I think I would tell more people about what was going on. But other than that, I don't really know what to change. Nothing I did seemed to have any effect on anything." "I was too patient and too forgiving. I should have told her to get her act together." "Absolutely! I would have confronted her sooner." ""Been wiser as to whom I told the reasons," "Not told anyone about it. Just my parents and Bishop." .......and more.........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                   "I would have involved the church more/less"

"Would not have fell away for the three years leading up to the divorce." "Not gone to the bishop." "I would never have quit going to church. I would have held the scriptures closer by reading them every day. I would have been more diligent with daily personal prayer. Real prayer, getting down on my knees rather than the informal prayers that I tried to rely on." "I wouldn't have let it affect my church attendance. I moved into an awesome ward and didn't know it for 18 months because I went inactive." "During, would have brought leadership in for negotiation rather or supplemental to attorneys."

"Wish I had saved up more money for a better Lawyer and also not trusted in My Bishop for help...he let me down when I needed the Church the most." "I would have fought for a bishops court to call the lies out and to get her into help. The court could have ordered mental health interventions, but did not... the system is broken, laws are disregarded and women are given upper hand. Facts are disregarded if towards a woman, but if towards a man, the book is thrown at them. Not sure what I could have done differently. When I finally agreed to the divorce, she then opposed it, told the judge that if he allowed the divorce that I would start to date... he slammed his gavel down and declared us as a bifurcated divorce.. he took control away from her and I was very glad about that... it made my ex father in law livid... gave me freedom. She got into trouble with some men she was dating... not sure anything happened on a church level... as I did not pry into her life. She remarried a good man, he has been duped and now is starting to see her patterns of abuse... his kindness to me has turned more into disdain as he has been sucked into her web. I represented myself prose the last two years and that's when the tide turned in my favor..." .....and more.........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                     "I would have gotten out sooner" 

"I would have filed early Nd kicked her out," "I should have let her do it 5 years ealier, instead of trying onesided to fix it. Who forgets the 25th aniversary? Not me, but she had other plans." "Gotten divorced sooner." "Moved on faster! Lol! I and my current wife are still real good friends with my ex even though there are no children from the marriage! She since, worked out her problems with her family and apologized for the infidelity. I forgave her." ""I would have gotten out much earlier." "done it 12 years earlier." "I would have started the divorce much sooner and trusted her much less." "I would have filed instead of letting her do it, then I could have wrapped it up faster." "just done it sooner." and more..........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "I would have worked on my issues so she'd stay"

"tried to control my temper a little more so hopefully she doesn't file" "I would have been gentler, kinder, more loving and conciliatory. When she declared "This time I mean it!" I took her at her word and believed her. With that mind-set I missed and ruined the opportunities for reconciliation that appeared in the following months before I moved away." "Quit drinking." "I really don't know for sure. Maybe started on anti-depressants sooner and stayed on them." "During the divorce, I was being stupid, but my brother helped inspire me to repent, and return to The Lord. After the divorce, things have steadily been improving. Now if only I could get a job." "I would have kept the standards of the church. It would has been better than repenting." "Looking back, I would not have cheated. I would have had a more in-depth conversation with my wife about the marriage and worked on getting her to open up and communicate more."........and more.......

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      Dating related
"I would have been more careful on who I dated - saved more money, etc." "Would not have started dating for at LEAST two years." "I would have been wiser about the time to start dating again." "I would have become the greatest father/mother figure in their lives - concentrating on their needs and not dating until they were 18." and more............

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      Divorce handling/money
"I would have asked for a mental evaluation." "I probably handled things as best I could. Had I pressed for a more equitable settlement I likely could have gotten one but the settlement allowed me to get the divorce finalized and get on with life and healing." "I wouldn't have given her any money." "Gone to work more, fight more for parental rights and got back in school ASAP." "I would have paid for an attorney. I thought that I could do it on my own, but soon afterward, she took advantage of some provisions and my lack of understanding, and moved the kids out of state and got sole legal custody." "I should have fought harder for the custody of my kids," and more.............

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "I would have sought counseling"
"I would have sought help IMMEDIATELY when I realized anything was setting. Hindsight!" "Sought more help / other fam therapists, her fam, other, to help defuse." "Gotten counseling earlier." "I would of tried counseling-despite knowing she was set in her ways and very controlling." and more...........

OTHER: 
"I had to get away from her in order for me to grow. Moved out of state 12 yrs after the divorce and the children were married and on their own. To grow quicker I could have moved sooner, but I had made a commitment to make all the repairs on the house till a certain time." "Killed her." ""I feel any way we make a choice, God get's us through it if we stay with his path....." "I may have made it too easy for her." "Not sure if I would have. I learned a great deal about myself and who I am through that process. I am looking at the reasons it was possibly set in motion for that to happen. He knew us each before we ever came here. He knew what type of person we each were destined to be. Some of those are those that choose divorce over working through the rough spots no matter how long. Some of us would not. and had I not gone through that I would have never discovered that about myself." "Probably not gotten married to her. She had too many issues that were unsolvable in her life before I met her and knew about them..." "never have got married." "If I knew that I would still be married." "I would not have married her."  "moved to another ward. I thought we could make this work because it's the true church and her life choices would probably take her somewhere else like her girlfriends church." "Never got married." and more............

37. Have you since remarried? 

1. No, but interested in doing so................................................63.20%
2. No, not interested...................................................................13.60%
3. No, interested, but not to an LDS woman...............................2.40%
4. Yes, but married into another bad situation.............................7.20%
5. Yes, very happily married......................................................10.40%
6. Yes, multiple times..................................................................5.60%
7. No, just co-habitating..............................................................1.60%

COMMENTS:
1. "No, but when the kids are raised and the time is right, I might consider it with the right woman."
2. "I'm not likely to remarry. If I did, it would definitely NOT be an LDS woman."
3. "I have looked around at dating websites but its too much."
4. "Am VERY interested in finding a faithful LDS woman."
5. "I probably won't do another temple wedding though."
6. "Currently engaged."
7. "No, not anytime soon. Had my first date last night."
8. "its a possibility but will see."
9. "She made promises that she would move from her home town to be with me and my kids. But instead she moved 1,500 miles further. She wanted me to move away from my kids and it was just a lie from the beginning. I knew it though but I took a chance and lost."
10. "Not ready to date yet ---- still healing"
11. "no; not particularly interested. But might consider it. I have co-habited on occasion."
12. "I've had 8 years of not very good experiences with LDS women, tired of the entitlement attitudes I've come across and the judging etc etc."
13. "Yes, one year after my divorce, I had been seeing her a year prior to the divorce when my ex-wife found out. That is what caused the divorce along with bad habits of porn and lying."
14. "Where are emotionally healthy women who are passionate about life and love... I mostly find broken and abused women... who are trying to heal. Pretty ones have been abused, homely ones have been overlooked- both have self-worth, self-esteem issues. Don't understand why the Church does not have a good mechanism in place to meet others around common interests. Rather they group by age... I have an 8 yr old. I am 51 and want more children.. I have been put out to pasture with the women who might be able to bear children. Dances... totally broken... turn lights down.. music up, get hormones raging, no chance to talk, see red flags, and this leads to more broken relationships... We need social activities around common areas of interest and to screen out those with mental health issues... this problem is the largest facing the church..."
15. "divorced again but still friends with second wife."
16. "Yes, and was in a great relationship and then she cheated as well."
17. "If there is anyone in this telestial realm that I can trust."
18. "each went inactive in the church."
and more..............

38. If you have not yet married, what is your hope of doing so? 

1. No hope or desire to................................................................13.13%
2. Some hope...............................................................................21.21%
3. Hopeful....................................................................................26.26%
4. Very hopeful............................................................................29.29%

COMMENTS:
1. "hopefully, when God is ready!!!"
2. "I have chosen to remain faithful to the covenant I made in the Temple to my chosen Eternal Companion. If she ever chooses to see the light and wants to come back with repentance I can not see myself blocking the way for her to do so. She has left the church for now and will likely never request a sealing cancellation. I will NEVER do that as well."
3. "difficult for me to open up to another woman after ex tore my soul."
4. "I feel a need to provide absolute financial security for a future spouse."
5. "goes back and forth, some days just don't think it likely due to baggage (age, looks, personality, kids, living style/location (small city), etc."
6. "I don't believe in hope. I believe in action."
7. "I want to remarry at some point in the future but am still very afraid of ending up in another abusive relationship."
8. "One day..."
9. "Not a lot of temple worthy people who intrest me."
10. "I definitely want to find someone who lives Church standards. Very important for me to date by the Spirit to help make this happen."
11. "I would like to, but I don't think I will find any sane woman that would be interested in me."
12. "Its hard trying to find someone that you're compatible with and doesn't mind your children."
13. "when the timing and person is right I will. I have been very happily single, and refuse to remarry just to fit the normal life criteria."
14. "Dated an LDS girl today.."
15. "not in a hurry actually."
16. "Prospects are slim... but hopeful"
17. "Maybe after the kids are raised and I don't have to focus on them but even then I may not remarry I am pretty content with just being a Dad for now."
18. "I'm married to God now."
19. "I waited the right amount of time."
20. "desire to, but not much hope."
21. "it took a long time to want to again, 10 years."

and more..........

39. Do you feel like you have recovered from the affects of the divorce? 

Divorce can be a maddening experience that takes time to recover from.

1. Very much so, better than before...........................................20%
2. Yes, I feel recovered..............................................................30.80%
3. Sometimes I feel recovered....................................................28%
4. Seldom do I feel recovered......................................................8%
5. Never do I feel recovered.......................................................8.8%
6. I am receiving counseling/therapy through the church...........1.6%
7. I am receiving counseling/therapy through private means......4%

COMMENTS:
1. "yes!! God is great..."
2. "The consequences are eternal...for myself and my children."
3. "The Savior came to me and soothed my broken, torn apart heart and replace the part that had been torn out, with a part of His heart.. And I was healed !!!"
4. "Good days and bad days just like a roller coaster, as time passes the more I find out about my ex and what she is currently doing these days upsets so much that I feel I take 2 steps backward for every 1 step of progress of releasing my feelings for her."
5. "It's an abuse relationship with the ex (uses kids as a tool). It won't be over awhile."
6. "It took some time."
7. "I went to counseling (through private means) for a year before and a year after the divorce was final for a total of 2 years."
8. "I will get there..."
9. "One child is getting counseling for depression resulting from the divorce."
10. "It took me several years to get over it."
11. "It is all a period of personal development."
12. "Well, since I already had someone, it really did not affect me all that much, I just moved on."
13. "Therapy is done, peace is ours... but its the gift that keeps on giving. Hard on children who have been abandoned by their mother, but actually better to be away from her patterns of abuse... very difficult for them. I am grateful she moved away for my sanity... relationships with those who have mental health issues is vexying, and misunderstood. Borderline/ Narcisstic Personality Disorders are rampant."
14. "Took years because I was my own therapist. Now I am free of much of the baggage I carried."
15. "I'm happier but not totally healed."
16. "However, I need to overcome trust issues with women."
17. "I feel recovered and look forward to a new relationship, but I don't want to get into another bad relationship."

......and more......

40. What kind of social support system did you have outside of the church?

1. Lots of family..............................................................................24.80%

2. Some family................................................................................47.20%

3. No family.....................................................................................8.8%

4. Lots of friends.............................................................................20%

5. Some friends...............................................................................56%

6. No friends...................................................................................10.40%

7. Professional help.........................................................................20%

8. Internet friends and family...........................................................15.20%

9. Other...........................................................................................12.80%

COMMENTS:

1. "GOD!!!!"

2. "close select friends some whom are married, divorce or single to offer support and advice"

3. "Support in the beginning. No support now."

4. "My closest family lives 12 hours away by car so I had to rely mostly on friends outside of the church for support/listening ear."

5. "my two cats and the dear Lord, myself."

6. "Some coworkers/bosses."

7. "Everyone has been very supportive."

8. "strangers often listened when LDS members would not."

9. "next to none - new in town, new job, kept to myself."

10. "The dancing community I am a part of helped a lot."

11. "No close family locally that could help. Two friends."

12. "Very little.. family got tired of listening. Would only confide selectively... very painful to be alone... professionals wanted money.. very insincere at times..."

13. "I could have relied more on family - siblings and parents - than I did."

14. "Bishop and Parents."

15. "Alcohol."

16. "My new ward has been great, as examples of discipleship, and as accepting supporters." .....and more......

You will need a good support group to lean on.....

41. Do you feel like you discovered who your true friends were in this process?

1. Yes..............................................................................59.17%

2. No...............................................................................16.67%

3. Maybe.........................................................................24.17%

COMMENTS:
1. "There are NONE!"
2. "Made many friends in the church mid singles groups."
3. "I have hardly heard from any of my friends."
4. "I already knew who they were."
5. "A majority of our friends have stood by me and helped in ways both great and small."
6. "already knew."
7. "My ex chased away a lot of my friends, so when it happened, I was out of contact with many of them."
8. "I learn that the Relief Society would ignore my children just punish me based on lies."
9. "Shocked at how many ward members believed the false alligations of my x wife and her family."
10. "did grow closer to my mother."
11. "I've always known who my true friends were. The divorce process only reinforced what I already felt."
12. "Very few true friends."
13. "I was very surprised how little help I got from church and especially family."
14. "I did not feel like I owned my friends some struggled but some didn't but all in all they were all pretty good."
15. "God is always a true friend."
16. "I didn't sense much change in friends."
17. "It has been starkly obvious."
18. "defintiely wasn't church members to my shock."
19. "I ALREADY KNEW."   .........and more.........

Friends can make any situation better, or worse by their abandonment.....

42. How could your family have served you better while you were going through this trial? 

1. Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you......................40%

2. Lunch/dinner/activities...time spent with you...............................20%

3. Come to court with you and "hold your hand".............................4.8%

4. Send notes, meals, etc...................................................................3.2%

5. A listening ear..............................................................................36%

6. Other...........................................................................................51.2%

COMMENTS:

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "They were great!"
"My family was great." "They were fine." "My family was great. They listened, they called, they are very supportive of me." "they did great." "They did all these things. They were perfectly supportive." "My family was very supportive - I wouldn't change anything." "They were amazingly supportive." "My family (brothers) were very supportive. They were all great." "They were fantastic and helpful. They keep me sane." "very pleased with the support I received." "Those whom I feel close to in my family were as "there for me" as they could be. I couldn't ask for more, even if they couldn't physically help much." "They were always there." "Family was good." "they couldn't have done any more, they were fantastic." "I think I got the right amount of support from family." "They've mostly been pretty helpful, once they could accept the facts." "My family was great-- particularly a brother who had divorced." ......and more...........

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I don't have family" 
"close family were either dead or in other states." "My family are not members and live in another state." "almost all of my family have passed away...I am on a Island all to myself when it comes to family... I'm really alone." "had been closer at that time I was living over 1000 miles away." "I really don't have a relationship with my family." "My family are not members." "I have no family around." ............and more...............

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I should have leaned on them more"
"they were pretty good it was I who could or should have asked for more help but didn't." "I think any would have tried to help, but I mainly kept to myself about it except for parents, close friends and bishops." "They didn't know what to do, I guess they were probably waiting for me to ask for help." "I pulled inward, I should have let them help me." "Looking back, I should have leaned on them more." "it would have helped me get through if I could have let myself lean on them." 
..........and more.............

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "They could have shown more interest"
"Encourage reconciliation, rather than helping Satan divide and separate." "my extended family are NOT church members so no big deal to them." "It'd would have been helpful if they were more keyed into picking up clues that something was wrong...and tried to contact me about it." "Could have been more honest with me before, during and after my marriage." "just trying to understand." "Just by being more present and interested." "They did not understand how hard it is to go through the breaking up of my family and were too busy with their own lives." ............and more...........

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I didn't involve them" 
"It is not their responsibility to fix me," "They live too far away to help much and have their own issues." "my family is very anti church so they was sorta happy." "They've been through enough, I kept less people out of it which is better." "Nothing they could do." "I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family but ended up talking to anyone who would listen." "It was me that could have done better, not them." "They were too judgmental, so I stayed away from them and dealt with it myself." "They had been fooled by her all along and could be of no help, so I kept them out of it." "I couldn't handle their drama too." ............and more............

RANDOM VALUABLE ANSWERS:         "I wish they had......."
"Helped with court costs." "Not gossiped about my divorce." "be friendly and not make me talk about it." "shown undrstanding and compassion." "Difficult question... many of my sisters-in-law turned against me as my ex had fed them lies over many years... some of whom still regard me as I have the plague. Its a private matter, and keeping gossip at a minimum required silence on my part and weathering the storm, but the adversary has a hey day isolating and destroying. I have a good friend who called today.. going through similar battles. His ex, was able to get him left out of confirming his son to the priesthood... used her father in laws clout as a high councilman to sneak in an ordination when the dad was not around. Bishop fell for it... these patterns need to stop, bishops need to learn about mental health issues and to hold members to be honest." "removed their blinding curse." "Set up a future dating pool!"............and more..........

When going through tough trials, it helps the minimize the craziness to be able to lean on friends and family.