LDS DIVORCED MEN'S SURVEY, Part 5

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part five of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                              PART 5

                                 QUESTIONS 29 - 35

29. If the marriage ended because of infidelity, or other crimes against the moral principles of the church, committed by yourself, were you brought before a church counsel/court? 

1. Yes....................................................................................37.14%
2. No.....................................................................................62.86%

30. If the marriage ended because of crimes you committed, and you were brought before a church counsel, what were the results? 

1. Advised to get counseling...................................................1.72%
2. Counseled by the bishop.....................................................3.45%
3. Disfellowshipped...............................................................13.79%
4. Excommunicated...............................................................12.07%
5. Found great support and compassion.................................1.72%
6. Other:
COMMENTS: 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "The Bishop did nothing."
"It never happened, it was ignored even when she tried to get it to happen."
"I was never called in to talk about it." "It was never dealt with at all." "When I confessed, he acted like it was no big deal, which made it hard to stop. He should have come down hard on me, it would have helped." "Nothing was done. I was kind of surprised." "I knew they wouldn't do anything, times have changed, this is just the way things are now." "My wife tried to get him to but I knew he wouldn't." "The bishop was an old friend of mine, he just told me to be more careful." 

Bishops act as judges in Zion

31. If so, do you feel like you truly went through the process of repentance?

1. Yes........................................................................................70.36%
2. No..........................................................................................16.57%
3. It did not seem necessary for church attendance or activity....14.06%

32. Were your Home Teachers changed during/after the divorce?

1. No change...............................................................................52.21%
2. Yes, to a very helpful couple of brethren..................................3.54%
3. Yes, to an older brother..............................................................0%
4. Yes, to a married couple............................................................. .88%
5. Other:.......................................................................................43.36%
COMMENT:

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:  "He stopped coming." 
"Home Teacher felt very uncomfortable so he dropped out completely." "I would describe our Elder's Quorum President at the time of being ADD and I seemed to get new HTs every couple months. I did not have particulary active HTs during my divorce." "They stopped coming and avoided me." "They stop coming.""Rarely see our home teachers."
"Yes, I did not have home teachers dispite repeated requests through the 11 months. I did my home teaching monthly during the entire divorce. My X kept our family HT and X mother in law told Bishop not appropriate we have same HT so Xwife kept them, I had no one." "They disappeared, it was like I was dropped off and didn't exist." "Church records sent to Salt Lake. no church contact after that since no longer counted as a member." "I haven't seen home teachers in over 2years, even after personally speaking about my experiences in priesthood meeting and asking for contact." .....and more........

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I did not have any before or after the divorce."

"I haven't had a home teacher since 2010." "I don't know, didn't get visited before or after." "No home teacher had ever visited me since the year before my divorce." ""i have no idea. the first time i was home taught since about 2006 was earlier this year (2013)--a full two years after the divorce." "I had no home teachers for about three years."

"I didn't know who my home teachers were." "Wasn't getting visited." "had no HT."...and more.....

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I moved."
"CHANGED WARDS." "Moved to different ward." "Ward boundary change." "I moved out." "Yes, I moved out of town." "I went to a different ward."....and more.....

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "He contributed to the problem."  
"Home teacher was part of the problem. My ex would wait until I was working and call him to come and fix stuff, telling him I didn't care... she duped him into the mix, so he was pretty disdainful to me... told me to go to hell.... he bought into her trap. He is now the bishop... he enabled her to destroy... yet thought he was helping. He would not come to the house with a companion..." "One of the brothers assigned to home teach my family said some inappropriate things about me in front of my children because of his one-sided views. It caused a wedge between me and one child. He also was a companion with one child. This was when we were only separated and I asked for a change in home teaching assignments but I don't think it happened."....and more.........

33. Do you feel like your Home Teachers were helpful?

1. Yes, very supportive and compassionate.............................21.24%
2. Somewhat supportive..........................................................19.47%
3. Not at all..............................................................................20.35%
4. Never came.........................................................................33.63%

COMMENTS: 
"Home Teachers were reassigned so often they never had a chance to be successful." 
"They were not needed, again, less people the better."
"They were friendly but had no idea what to say or do."
"No they fought with each other and I did not care for there visits."
"To be fair, I'm not sure my home teachers knew much about the situation."
"very negative."
"We had good home teachers when I lived in the ward, but we didn't include them in our problems."
"Rarely came, but, in fairness, what could they do?" ....and more.....

34. Are/were you interested in any of the married women/men in your ward/stake? 

1. No, I'm insulted anyone would think that of me....................63.25
2. Possibly, if she/he is good looking...........................................3.42
3. Absolutely yes..........................................................................0%
4. Other:.....................................................................................29.91%

COMMENTS: 
"if it's meant from God yes!!!!" "I don't believe in adulterous remarriages. Jesus Christ clearly teaches against the practice in the New Testament, D&C and JST Luke 16:16-23." "No.. I was only interested and very in love with my former spouse..." "Attracted to yes....but more because of what I had and what they have. Still off-limits in my mind." "i have no interest in marriage ever again." "There are many women(married) whom I like the attractive qualities they have but they are reminders that there are women out there like them and I've never been attracted to any women in a relationship or put thought into that. So, no." "Interested, yes, entertaining it, no way, they're married! I only date unmarried." "I have a no married person rule. Though I have occasionally wondered what it would be like to be 'the other man'..." "I had/want my own wife - not anyone else's....just want someone that will trust me and love me for me..." "The answer is "NO", but I'm not insulted. Poor wording for a survey." "I would not seek a married woman only single woman." "No, not AT ALL but the question doesn't offend me. But married people are absolutely off limits." "NO!!! Unlike my wife, I am not a home wrecker. I only deal in very single people. Period!" "Too busy to get to know them, but I would not rule it out at all." "A divorced woman in my ward asked me out the week my divorce was final. It did not work out and I realized it was a mistake to date anyone from my own ward. She had dated two other divorced men in our ward and bad mouths them relentlessly. I thought I would be different and was very wrong. Will not ever make that mistake again." "After I married I was very cognizant of keeping a respectful distance from others of the opposite sex, married or not, and made sure not to encourage the development of any friendships that didn't include my wife and both people in any couple we were friendly with." "I already had her picked out before the divorce. I am now married to her." "Its hard to know where to look for a companion. What the Lord's plan of Happiness is. I've prayed sincerely for 15 years to find reprieve from the abuse... now that I have peace and am free.. and trying to find someone emotionally healthy... its troubling how broken those who are single are... its a melting pot of mental illness. I have married women who I admire and who have many of the characteristics that I think would make for a wonderful marriage, but they are taken. Should they free themselves from their marriage, there are several who I would want to pursue... hard to know who is happily married as many fake it... we did for nearly 15 years, but behind closed doors abuse was rampant... I suspect that is the case with many who seem happily married. In my ward / stake.. I have no idea who is single for the most part... there is not a good mechanism in place to find healthy singles... some marrieds do not wear rings." "What an extremely odd question to ask. Why would anyone be looking to find someone who is in a marriage already?" "Was not interested in any other woman until 14 years after the divorce." "not insulted, just would/did not." "Why look for something else when you had the best your could ever have." "There have been married women that I have admired and wished that our marriage was as strong as other couples I admired, but in no way have I ever wanted to be the cause or participant in breaking up a family." "What kinda question is that?! About what time frame is the question asking? Pre-divorce? Post-divorce? All that notwithstanding, I'm not interested in any married women nor have I ever been....and, given the question, that applies certainly to men as well." "no chance in hell." .....and more......

35. Did you continue to go to church after your divorce?

1. Yes...............................................................................62.60%
2. Occasionally.................................................................13.01%
3. No..................................................................................3.25%
4. Yes, but had to change wards.......................................15.45%
5. I had a period of waywardness after the divorce...........17.07%
6. I am determined never to go back...................................1.63%

COMMENT:
"went for a couple of months then had mental meltdown. felt angry nobody listened to me at church espcecially ward and stake leadership." "I was traveling a lot and now need a new ward because ex is uncomfortable with me there." "I was mostly living church standards during my short time of waywardness.. I simply lost the desire to go for a time." "I stayed in the same ward for 1.5 years before transferring." "I was inactive before the divorce. After the divorce, I began attending again. Best decision." "Was inactive for about 2 years, started back to church 8 months ago." "several years later, I left the church as part of my process of coming back." "For two and half years now consider myself inactive." "I only go because my new wife wants me to." "for a year or so." "I guess I found out that I really believed what I thought I did." "AFTER A WHILE."....and more......