SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 3

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part three of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                                             QUESTIONS 11-15

11. DID YOUR MARRIAGE EFFECT YOUR HEALTH?

• Very Much………………………………………..46.9%
• Somewhat………………………………….……..39.4%
• Not at all…………………………………...……..13.7%

12. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDREN'S REACTION?

• Anger at you………………………...………..17.0%
• Anger at your spouse…………………………23.0%
• Anger at both you and your spouse……..........18.8%
• Became distant, moody, kept to themselves….24.2%
• Became rebellious, got into trouble……..........24.8%
• Grades dropped in school, participation in activities dropped…………………………......................26.7%

• Stopped going to church…………………..….23.6%
• Gained or significant weight loss……………....9.1%
• Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol…....12.7%
• Ran away from home…………………………..5.5%
• Took sides with one of the parents…………...18.2%
• No changes at all……………………...………..4.8%
• They were glad for the change……………......29.1%
• They improved their attitudes and happiness...18.2%
• They began to thrive………………………….18.2%

• Other……...................................................…31%

A Small Sampling of the "Other" Comments:

1. my youngest (during the age of 4-6) digressed with potty training00bed wetting and then peeing pants during the day
2. 3 children all different reactions. But he placed blame on me continually because I moved out after he and his daughter beat me again, and found myself in bed for three days from the physical pain that came from it. it has taken a lot to teach my son that it is not ok to hit girls. and now he has taken the children from me.
3. Sad that we both weren't around.
4. hard to separate from ill effects from a hostile parent
5. Required some therapy for years of abuse
6. one stopped going to church, little contact with either of us, moved in with boyfriend...the other thrived, went to church even though his dad didn't & is now on a mission
7. My youngest son expressed to me several years after the divorce that he wanted to have a "normal" family like everyone else in the church. (he was 14 at the time)
8. 5 kids... One thrived, two rebelled, two became happier/ more at peace.
9. mproved t first, angry and rebellious as teenagers, stopped going to church as teenagers
10. My toddler couldn't understand why her Daddy went away and it did effect her with him being gone. Sleeplessness, looking for vehicles that looked like his, sadness when other kid were playing with their dads. It was as teenagers and young adults that there were mixed changes. I never bad mouthed him. He was just sporadic in their life. They at least didn't have to be on a yoyo of if he was there or not. He was not but at least it was a known factor. I believe having his influence and habits out of their lives let them thrive and gave them a chance at happiness. It was as teens that they started to question him and be angry and act out at his not being there, the excuses he gave, and his behaviors. He still isn't much a part of their life, but they both took many years and worked through their anger and put it aside.
11. After the "mourning" period was over, perhaps as much as a year, my youngest son who is still at home did much better. Our home was peaceful and free from the contention of a dying marriage. He has expressed his gratitude for this, though having his parents separated is still hard for him.
12. Felt completely rejected Luke they had done something to cause it. "why can't a dad just love me"
13. The children who lived with us weren't surprised-they'd seen us falling apart for years. The one who was the most shocked was the married one who didn't see the day to day non-interaction between my spouse and I.
14. we sought counseling, which helped the second-grader
15. All five were newly wed saw our marriage as basically ideal because of the dishonesty and secrecy of my spouse, my kids especially the youngest who had only been married a few months and was looking at our marriage as the kind of marriage he wanted
16. My daughter completely fell apart and felt betrayed by church members, some of it justified, some of it not.
17. It made them grow up faster than they should have to, but made it through ok, maybe a little more responsible than if he hadn't had to go through the pain of tearing their hearts in two. The youngest (5 at the time) still struggles with issues since we were pretty involved in the divorce instead of in raising him.
18. Sadness, depression.
19. More confusion and hurt, than anger. The youngest was too young... The oldest blamed me because I was the one to move them away.
20. They were relieved.
21. They went through stages. They are mature, capable, and accountable individuals because of the experience.
22. BECAME MORE ACTIVE IN CHURCH, NOTHING CHANGED AT HOME SINCE I WAS TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS ALREADY 100%
23. THEY GANGED UP ON ME WITH THEIR FATHER BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL THEM WHY I WAS LEAVING HIM, SO HE MADE STUFF UP AGAINST ME
24. More insecurity and emotional. They put on brave faces but struggled privately
25. THEY FELT I DESERVED BETTER
26. one daughter became gay. At least he told the children the truth of his affairs & lies, they were very angry, felt betrayed (he was in the bishopric), and were very supportive of me.

CHILDREN CASUALTIES OF DISCORD IN MARRIAGES 

13. WHEN DID YOUR DIVORCE TAKE PLACE?

• Within a year ago……………………………….8.7%
• Within the last five years………………………38.2%
• Six to ten years ago…………....……………….23.7%
• More than eleven years ago………..…………..29.5%

14. HOW SET WERE YOU FINANCIALLY AFTER THE DIVORCE?

• Very well……………………….……………….3.4%
• Satisfactory……………………….……………21.3%
• Barely surviving…………………………...…..55.7%
• No help at all……………………….…………..17.8%
• I had to help him………………………...………1.7%

15.A-WERE YOU "ACTIVE" IN THE CHURCH AT THE TIME OF THE DIVORCE?

• Yes……………………………………………91.4%
• No……………………………………….……..8.6%

B-WERE YOU "ACTIVE" AFTER THE DIVORCE?

• Yes……………………………………………13.8%
• Yes but had to change wards…………………16.4%
• No…………………………………………..…69.8%

SURVEY RESULTS FOR DIVORCED LDS WOMEN, part 2

DIVORCE=HEART BREAK

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part two of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

QUESTIONS 6-10

6. HOW LARGE OF A TRIAL WAS THIS FOR YOU?

• The worst trial of my life.....................................65.7%
• A definite trial, but I've had worse.......................30.3%
• Not a big deal........................................................4.0%
• A delightful experience.........................................0.0%

7. DID YOU EVER HAVE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE OR RUNNING 

    AWAY DURING THE DIVORCE? 

• No, not ever..........................................................56.1%
• Suicide...................................................................11.0%
• Running away........................................................13.3%
• Both suicide and running away..............................19.7%

8. WHAT WERE THE AGES OF YOUR CHILDREN (if any) WHEN

GOING THROUGH THE DIVORCE?

• Infants....................................................................17.8%
• Toddlers/Preschool.................................................30.7%
• Elementary school ages...........................................51.5%
• Jr. High School.......................................................41.1%
• High School............................................................45.4%
• Young Adults/College............................................24.5%
• Married/Older Single Adults...................................12.9%

9. DURING THE DIVORCE I:

• Kept my emotions to myself putting on a brave 

           front.....................................................................32.6%

• Showed my emotions to close associates only......48.6%
• Was free with my emotions..................................13.7%
• Withdrew from society and kept to myself...........22.3%
• Clung to friends and family for support...............36.6%

10. WHAT WERE THE RESULTS FROM THIS APPROACH?

• I had a hard time with this. I wanted so much to be understood & supported. I have an awesome family, friends, and ward who buoyed me up a lot. I struggled with deep depression for my loss. I realized that in some ways death (being widowed) was more socially acceptable. At least that way there wasn't a big huge rejection sign that went with it & people would have been more understanding about taking a little time off of work to deal with it.
• At times, it helped to withdraw. It's hard for people to understand what I was and am going through. My friends and family were a huge support. Couldn't do it without them. In the beginning it was hard to keep my emotions in check, it's getting easier.
• Other people always wanted details
• Depression, anxiety, eventually fibromyalgia
• pain and isolation, loneliness
• I felt like I was in prison.
• Having a close friend to hash out my feelings made it easier!
• Low self-esteem
• Support from family, rejection from Priesthood Leaders, Mixed reactions from friends.
• I felt very alone

• A lot of emotional support when I was brave enough to reach out. Many times I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems though.
• It brought me closer to some people. Some people abused the trust and made it harder for me to trust people.
• Survival with some sanity intact.
• It kept me positive. It was necessary due to being a new nursing mom.
•  got support from people, but some people thought it was too much.
• It was helpful to have someone I really trusted to talk to about everything and allowed me to have day-to-day interactions with other people without being a complete mess.
• I gained emotional maturity and learned temperance.
• I hid everything until my ex moved out to have more free time with his girlfriend. When that happened, I began telling people closest to me that he was having an affair. I wanted to protect my husband. I didn't want my family to think ill of him or to judge me for choosing him. It turns out, they were very supportive and I wish I'd talked to them earlier- not that it would have saved the marriage, but I would have been able to draw from their strength those three months that I knew about the affair before he moved out.
• Being alone was hard, but putting my trust in the Lord and a few close friends was beneficial. I didn't feel like I needed to blast my ex-spouse in public.
• I'm still withdrawn somewhat, and I don't trust people very much. I don't open myself emotionally to many people.
• became inactive in church due to prejudices expressed by priesthood leaders who did not have the skills to handle the situation when I sought help
• Great support from family and church, some difficulties coping with the change and with my own self-worth.
  
  

• people didn't know what was going on & probably though I just walked out on a good marriage because they didn't know what my life was really like
• I learned to cling to the Lord.
• Disastrous... Most people in my life (which was 99% LDS church) couldn't handle me being "real." Not pretty.
• Had a breakdown after 2 years
• I allowed myself to feel and feel and feel in hopes to get all the feelings out! It worked.
• I tried all three of the above marked methods. Nobody knows what happened and how it affects you and your children but the Lord. I turned to him for help and guidance. I needed answers that were the best for me.
• I now have no close friends
• Needed therapy.
• Im still here
• I recieved wonderful and wise council from those who had been through a divorce and felt love from so many who really cared for me. By only sharing with those who I trusted I insulated myself from those who would critize me and gossip about me. I counciled with my bishop and a trusted therapist and my Heavenly Father. I drew strength from them when making the hardest decision on my life.

There were hundreds more comments that fell along the same themes. I think you get the idea. It's a hard game to play alone.

SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 1

                                                 

THE DYNAMICS OF DIVORCE FROM THE WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part one of the survey for LDS Divorced Women. 

                                       QUESTIONS 1-5

1. WHO WAS THE PARTNER TO FILE FOR THE DIVORCE?

• The Wife..................................................................................................71.4%
• The Husband...........................................................................................17.7%
• Joint Decision..........................................................................................10.9

2. WHAT WERE THE REASONS FOR THE DIVORCE?

• Abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, isolation, control, etc............60.2%
• Infidelity...................................................................................................56.5%
• Addiction: porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex, etc...................44.7%
• Personality Disorders: bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, etc..37.9%
• Finances: no job, not enough money, controlling, etc..............................24.8%
• Same Sex Attraction..................................................................................5.6%

3. HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU MARRIED?

• Less than one year...................................................................................11.8%
• Between one and five years.....................................................................33.5%
• Between six and ten years........................................................................29.4%
• Between eleven and twenty years............................................................20.6%
• Between twenty one and forty years..........................................................4.7%
• More than forty years.................................................................................0.6%

 4. HOW MANY YEARS DID YOU STAY IN THE MARRIAGE WHILE IT WAS "BAD?"

• Less than a year.....................................................................................11.8%
• Between one and five years...................................................................33.5%
• Between six and ten years......................................................................29.4%
• Between eleven and twenty years..........................................................20.6%
• Between twenty one and forty years........................................................4.7%
• More than forty years...............................................................................0.0%

5. ONCE YOU REALIZED THAT YOU WERE IN A "BAD" MARRIAGE, IF YOU WAITED TO GET OUT, WHAT WERE THE REASONS FOR WAITING?

• The children..............................................................................................51.8%
• Finances (couldn't afford an attorney or to survive on my own)...............26.5%
• Fear of Abuse............................................................................................14.1%
• Fear of other's reactions.........................................................................17.1%
• No support.................................................................................................17.1%
• Tried to work on fixing the marriage..........................................................68.2%

88.2% OF LDS WOMEN WAITED MANY YEARS BEFORE FILING

• Other....................................................................................................32.4%

COMMENTS ON WHY THEY WAITED :

• The number one most common answer was "Because it was a Temple marriage." 
• The second most common answer was "I feared he would take the children."
• The third most common; "I stayed until Heavenly Father told me I could go." 
• Fourth; "I did not realize that there was a problem until I found out he was cheating."
• "I wanted to try counseling first."
• "Fear in general."
• "Health problems."
• "He owed me a large sum of money."
• "I was getting an education so I could support my kids."
• "I was pregnant."
• "I didn't want to get out."
• "I was brainwashed into thinking it was my fault."
• "I was advised by my leaders to wait until HE asked for divorce." 
• "I was pressured by my church leadership not to leave him, even though he was repeatedly cheating on me."
• "I was too busy taking care of everybody, I kept giving him chances to improve and get a job."
• "I didn't realize how "bad" it was for a long time, I just thought the more righteous I was, or the harder I worked on our marriage, then it would work out. Agency exists......"
• "Stupidity."
• "The Church looked down on it."
• "I had no resources for help."
• "I had low self-esteem and no self confidence."
• "Fear of retaliation."
• "It took a few months to realize I could not fix his lifelong pattern of lying, sexual addiction, bisexual behaviors, and dishonesty."
• "Fear of the unknown, not feeling prepared, hoped it would get better, questioned myself if it was the right thing to do."
• "Fear of failure." 
• "Fear of the court system in a 'man's world.'"

25 SIGNS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIORS

Post this list on your refrigerator for yourself and your children. Feel free to share it everywhere. 

Relationship Red-Flags

Does your boy/girlfriend….

Say inappropriate things that make you feel uncomfortable? 

Pressure you to give up your hobbies and interests?

Constantly put down people who are close to you (parents, family, friends, teachers)?

Get angry when you spend time with other important people in your life?

Make you cry all the time?

Embarrass you in front of others?

Make you feel worthless and stupid?

Keep you from doing things you want or like to do?

Act super jealous and possessive?

Shove, slap, shake, or hit you?

Threaten to hurt or kill themselves?

Lie to you constantly? Hide things from you?

Always expect to get their way?

Push for intimacy? “If you love me….”

Flatter you one minute, put down the next?

Isolate you from others? (your support group)

Stalk you? Call constantly to check on you?

Make you feel responsible for his happiness?

Flirt with other girls in front of you or behind your back?

Act like he will never survive without you?

Act like you are lucky to have him?

Make you feel like you have to be perfect or you’ll be sorry?

Threaten to hurt a loved one?

Make you feel badly about your religious beliefs and try to change them to a more “free thinking” belief?

Make you feel like you will never find anyone else who could love you?

IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED “YES” TO EVEN ONE OF THESE, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!

Train your children to know what subtle methods abusers use to suck-in their victims. Let's do what we can to stop the vicious cycles of abuse in our families. Don't let you or your children get caught up in the trap. 

DOES HE/SHE CHECK UP ON YOUR EVERY MOVE?