HOW TO PREPARE TO GET OUT OF A CHEATING/ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

                   YOUR DIVORCE PREPARATION KIT: 

"Till abuse do you part....."

You have come to the realization that you cannot endure this marriage much longer. The spouse is abusive, is cheating on you, has personality disorders, has addictions, whatever the reason, you have made up your mind. What do you do first?

Whatever you do, do NOT announce at this point that you are done with the marriage. Divorce is one of the hardest ordeals one can go through in this life, and if you are not prepared.....let's just say it won't be pretty. If not handled right, you could put yourself, and possibly your children, into jeopardy. The hardest part will be preparing while acting like nothing is going on. You must not give any clues that you are planning to escape.

No matter how much you want to believe that you can have a cordial divorce, if your spouse is any of the above situations, you can plan on the divorce proceedings being a complete WAR. Do NOT settle too soon just to get things over with. You must think about yourself in the future and what is best for the children.

• FORMULATE A PLAN

If there is ever a time to be prepared it is NOW. You may not be able to think of everything that can happen, but there are a few preparations that will be very helpful if you start now. Decide what it is that you want out of the joint assets. Do you have a home that you want to keep? Or would it be better to move and start over somewhere? Do you want to change your name after? How will you get the information out? How will you present it to the spouse in a safe way? What do you want to do with your life afterwards? What have you always wanted to do? How will you live?

• INFORM THE POLICE OF EVERY INCIDENT

In abuse cases you will have much more success in court if there is a long history with police activity. Especially when such cases end in arrests for domestic violence. If you keep this information to yourself out of fear, you will have no recourse. Many who decide to divorce will make up such accusations to gain the favor of the judge. They will not believe you unless there is a good history with the officials. During the divorce you will also want to get a protective order. Your attorney can help you get that, or you can fill out the forms online and take them to the police yourself. You have a better divorce case with such things in place.

• START SAVING MONEY

Do NOT put yourself on a "guilt-trip" for not having complete disclosure when it comes to money. In most cases, the cheating/abusive spouse is hiding money from you and not being completely honest with the finances. You may need to come up with expenses on the house that can require larger sums of money to put away into a secret savings account at a separate bank than you bank with together. Put yourself on a budget and put so much away per month. Put it into interest bearing accounts, such as a money market. Attorneys generally ask for between $5K and $10K as a retainer. If you do not have this kind of ability, do you have family that can help you?

Open a credit card in your name. You will need to have your own credit to survive in this world. You may need to pay off joint cards in order to protect you from ending up with his/her debts. Often they will rack up the credit cards during the divorce and leave you with the burden. Your credit is affected by anything that has you on the accounts jointly.

OTHER WAYS TO PUT ASIDE MONEY:

1. start selling items that are not "must haves" in the paper, online, yard-sales, etc.
2. cut back on expenses, luxuries, shop at second hand stores, etc.
3. if you are working, ask for a raise, work a few extra hours
4. Cash out any life insurance policies. If you don't, your spouse will.
5. If you don't have a job, get at least a part-time job...especially if he/she doesn't know about it
6. Purchase everything, including bills being paid on your new credit card. You can earn reward points that can be used to pay for things like Christmas, travel, etc. while building up your credit history.
7. Your children of age can also get jobs to pay for some of their expenses (sports, etc.)

• BUILD YOUR TEAM

When the time is close, it is time to gather your team around you. Few can survive going through this event alone, though many have had to. If there is ever a time when you will need support it is now. You have to have someone to talk to as you process this event. Often victims have kept the abuse to themselves out of fear, and few in their circle know of the infidelities committed by the partner. Now you can speak up. "I just can't take it anymore!"

Carefully choose a handful of friends that you believe you can trust. Meet them for lunch at a quiet restaurant and explain to them your dilemma. Let them know of your plans to escape and your need for their support. You may need to plan a weekly lunch event with them through the whole ordeal in order to have the support that you will undoubtedly need. Understand in advance that divorce is one of those friend-tests where you will see who are truly your friends. Don't be surprised if one or more take the side of the abusive spouse. Don't be offended if certain friends don't want to get involved and drop out of the group.

There are three kinds of friends in this world. One group won't budge from your side no matter what, and will do whatever it takes to support you. The second group will not want to get involved and will disappear until it's over. The last group is worst of all. Due to their own personal insecurities, jealousies, or whatever......they will turn on you and use this as a time to take their turn with you on the chopping block. It is always a surprise to see which friends divide into which groups. Just know that it happens to everyone. As an incentive, plan a "survival celebration" trip with your "team" for once the divorce is over. Speak of it often when together. It is always good to have something to look forward to, especially during a dark time. And incentive for the team to hang in there with you.

Be very careful who you trust. Do not give out information of your plans. Many will ask you for the sake of being in the know, and you will end up being the topic of gossip. Come up with a canned answer for inquisitive folks.

Inform your close family members. If you have a good relationship with your folks, or siblings, or aunts and uncles......they will be some of your best supporters. Blood relationships can be a trial sometimes, but when push comes to shove, family will most often stick together.

Meet with your ward bishop. Let him know of your true state of things in your marriage. He is not allowed to advise you for or against divorce, but can be a support when things get nasty. Plan to meet with him often, even if he doesn't seek you out. You may ask for a break from any callings while in this most stressful time of your life. Ask for some kind of counseling for yourself and your children. Studies have shown that few children come out of divorce and stay active in the church if they don't have some kind of special support. Make sure you continue to receive good home and visiting teachers.

Don't be surprised if people treat you differently in your ward. People are afraid of divorce. It's almost like they think it is contagious. There will be the same three categories of friends at church as otherwise.  Don't take it personally. I did but you shouldn't.

• FIND A "BULL-DOG" ATTORNEY

I had a friend who was a family law attorney. When we went on a double date with he and his wife he explained that he was in a lose-lose business. No matter how it was handled in court, everyone loses. A family is torn apart, no one gets everything they want. No one wins. He said that it was going to kill him someday. He died at the age of 45 of a massive heart attack.

We cannot go into this thinking that the judge is going to" understand and take my side." You will win some and you will lose some. But if you don't have a good attorney you won't win anything. Sometimes you have to pay more to get a better attorney. Ask around. Ask attorneys who they would use. Do your homework. I had to go through 3 attorneys before I found one that I liked.

When meeting with the attorney, reach for the stars on what you want to see happen. Draw a line of what you must absolutely have for your future and the benefit of the children. Ask for more, but don't set your heart on it. You must start asking high because that is where the negotiation begins. If you start out where you want to end up you will not get what you want.

The abusers attorney will try to push you into making quick decisions "or the deal will be off the table." It is a bullying tactic. Don't fall for it. In fact, you can counter with the same tactic.

Try to get a settlement on your property that is separate from alimony and child support. Remember that if you remarry you will lose your alimony, so have some back up money. If you own half of his business, or investments or properties, you are entitled to half. You are also entitled to alimony (if you are female) for as many years as you were married in most states. Unless you get married or co-exist.

Don't be surprised if the abusive spouse still gets visitation with the children. Just fight for it to be supervised. Most often the only reason that the narcissistic spouse wants to fight over the children is to bug you. If you act like you are not opposed to their taking the children, in fact push for them to do "their fare share of babysitting" you might be surprised to see them back off altogether. This is a game of psychology, and you know they are using it on you, and have been for a long time.

Keep on your attorney. Meet with him/her weekly to move things along. Even if it is just by email. At the same time, act like you don't care how long this will take to the spouse. Let on that you have all the money in the world and will go as long as it takes to get what you want. Otherwise they may try to stretch it out just to spite you.

• PLAN YOUR CONFRONTATION

Whatever you do, do NOT confront the spouse alone. Some have announced their decision to file for divorce in their bishop's office. Some have just had them served the papers, and then fled for a time till he cools off. If you are in an abusive, or dangerous situation, you need to plan to be away during discovery, or with others who they will not act out in front of. If you plan to stay in the house, you can have the locks changed. In this case you will want to inform the police in case the abuser tries to force their way back in. I stayed in the house and had a single brother move in with me for protection.

• SHOW A BRAVE FRONT

Do not act afraid or upset. Show confidence, courage, will power. Even if it is an act, you must show a tough front. Cry all you want on your friends/families shoulders......that actually helps your sympathy vote. But do not show weakness to your spouse. Your "team" may need to keep reminding you that you are doing the right thing every single day. Stay strong.

• CHOOSE WISELY

Do not let anyone make your decisions for you. Read everything over very carefully and make sure you understand it. If you don't, ask. Find out how this affects your future. Is this a document that is fair to you? Remember that what you agree to here you will be stuck with forever. Not that you can't go back later and make changes, but it is not easy. Trust your instinct on everything. You are the only one entitled to inspiration on your case. You are the one affected by the outcome. And your children, if any. Do not throw away your future.

• MEDIATION VS. COURT

Mediation is a great way to move things along faster, keep things out of the paper, and have a smoother negotiation. It only works if the spouse is willing and cooperates. It is also cheaper.

• PLAN YOUR CELEBRATION

Once it's over, plan your party/trip with the team members that lasted to the end. Thank them each specially for their support. Go have fun.

• GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL

Understand that this can take years. Be patient with yourself. You may need to get counseling to get past the abuse. You may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is common in divorce. It will take time. Meanwhile, start doing some things for yourself that you enjoy. Walking on the beach was therapy for me. Being creative might be the ticket for some, or music, dancing, sports, etc. Do what you love doing. That is the best therapy. Write about your experience in a journal or blog. When a disturbing experience surfaces, write about it. It's like taking it out of your body and putting it on paper. Pat yourself on the back for surviving and getting out.

• DETERMINE TO NEVER BE A VICTIM AGAIN

Do not be one of the statistics where you go from one abuser to another. Get counseling so that you can recognize and avoid them next time. Get yourself whole before dating again. Be very careful of "rebounding." Listen to your friends and family when it comes to your choices of guys. Take your time. Make this your motto: NEVER AGAIN!!!

In an abusive situation, do not be fooled into thinking that the abuser will give up his victim. Take every precaution to keep yourself and the children safe. Put extra locks on the doors, sensors to warn of guests, cameras if necessary. Have your home checked for spyware. Build yourself a fortress. Then go and live a happy life! God Bless you in this effort!

Lisa McDougle's engagement photo for second marriage