In the late 1900’s statistics
reported that most divorces in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were due to financial conflicts. Although
money continues to be a major topic of contention among married couples, other more serious issues
have surfaced to the top.
Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho.
Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho.
Recent LDS Church statistics also show that the divorce rate in the church is close to 48%. Temple marriages are almost half that at 26%, though it is suspected that this count is only of those who have had their temple sealings canceled, therefore is actually higher. Sadly another 21% LDS partners are yet struggling in their marriage relationships.
With divorce at an all-time high, this recent study shows that the
highest contributing factors today are:
- Abuse 60.2%
- Infidelity 56.5%
- Addiction 44.7%
- Personality disorders 37.9%
- Finances 24.8%
- Same gender attraction 5.6%
Bishop’s can provide direction in getting counseling to struggling couples. Though not trained in dealing with abuse cases, ecclesiastical leaders can be more helpful when they are informed and are able to keep an eye on the situation, and point the victims in the direction of help. Most often it requires professional assistance and victims should not expect their clergymen to solve their problems nor rescue them.
Doug Hall, a practicing
Family Law attorney, states “I am quite aware that our local clergy (i.e.
Bishops, etc.) struggle to grasp and understand completely what an abused spouse is trying to tell
them; or what they are dealing with. A narcissistic husband is so convincing to
the outside world.”
When asked about the
commonality of the personality disorder of “narcissism” he went on to say; “This
seems to be the thread that runs through all of my cases. It appears in one
form or another. I was not really aware of this syndrome until recently, and
now I can readily pick up on it.”
Abuse takes on many forms and
cannot be easily identified by family, church ecclesiastical leaders, friends,
and sometimes even psychology experts.
- Emotional Abuse
- Verbal Abuse
- Destruction of Personal Property
- Intimidation, Coercion, and Threats
- Sexual Abuse
- Physical Abuse
- Abuse of Authority
- Restriction of Freedom
- Economic Abuse
- Using Male Privilege ("Unrighteous dominion")
- Using Children
- Passive aggressive manipulations
The cycle of abuse goes
through stages of reconciliation, a honeymoon phase, denial, and then further
abuse. The victim is led to believe that the problems in the marriage are
his/her own fault for their lack of "perfection."
Women and children who are abused regularly on any level come to church or other public activities putting on their best "everything is normal" act, making it hard for others to recognize their dilemma. The abusers are often the most charming people you will know, often highly functioning in important church or community positions.
Too often victims will go to
the authorities to stop the abuse, but then call off the forces when the abuser
puts on the "repentant" act. Doug Hall advises victims “get out sooner than
later. I know of only a few cases that didn’t get worse. They didn’t get better
either, the spouse just decided to continue status quo. It’s hard. Particularly
when the abused spouse wants to believe that the other will change.”
When asked where victims can
go to get support and education on abuse, Doug suggests: “The Chainbreakers Foundation
have been the best resource I’ve come across. Disseminating the availability of
this resource to those who need it is the problem.”
The Chainbreaker Foundation
is an organization out of Orem, Utah that operates with the hope of “giving
victims the tools” to navigate through or out of tough, and sometimes dangerous
relationships. Joan Shippen, manager of the foundation, holds weekly meetings
with professional and educational speakers who provide advice and helpful
resources for the victims.
Lee Steadman, a volunteer that once leaned upon the foundation through his own divorce states: "Joan Shippen is the 'Mother Theresa' of Alpine."
Lee Steadman, a volunteer that once leaned upon the foundation through his own divorce states: "Joan Shippen is the 'Mother Theresa' of Alpine."
"Our goal is to strengthen women so that they are no longer considered victims on any level" says Joan Shippen. "Women and come here lost, confused and afraid. And then walk away validated and realizing that they are not alone, that people care, and that there are ways to escape the abuse. We hope they get the tools that they will need to be courageous. Only they can do what it will take to stop the vicious cycle."
Empowered victims, who once
clung to the foundation during their challenges of rocky relationships, often become
volunteers and mentors to return the much needed support to others going through the same
kinds of trials.
Everyone deserves to feel safe, and how sad it is that so many LDS women have had to flee their spouses in order to get it. There has been a rise in General Conference talks by the brethren speaking on the subject of "Unrighteous Dominion." It is a sad situation that brings a man to use his "Priesthood" to usurp power and authority over his family members.
"Women are not the only victims of abusive behaviors anymore," states Joan Shippen. "We now also have many men attending our classes." It is imperative that we teach our children the symptoms of abusive behaviors so that they will not marry into abuse and continue this cycle from generation to generation. My next blog will focus on the symptoms. Copy and paste it to your bulletin board for your children to see often.
Abuse appears to be a rising problem, one that is exacerbated by addictions that are so rampant. It is a tough thing to watch loved ones suffer from abusive relationships. Victims most often have to rescue themselves and resent interference from well-intentioned others, unfortunately. The victims have to come to that point where they say "enough is enough." Then and only then will they do what it takes to get out. At this highly volatile point family, friends, ward leadership and members can and should step in to assist however necessary.
"Women are not the only victims of abusive behaviors anymore," states Joan Shippen. "We now also have many men attending our classes." It is imperative that we teach our children the symptoms of abusive behaviors so that they will not marry into abuse and continue this cycle from generation to generation. My next blog will focus on the symptoms. Copy and paste it to your bulletin board for your children to see often.
Abuse appears to be a rising problem, one that is exacerbated by addictions that are so rampant. It is a tough thing to watch loved ones suffer from abusive relationships. Victims most often have to rescue themselves and resent interference from well-intentioned others, unfortunately. The victims have to come to that point where they say "enough is enough." Then and only then will they do what it takes to get out. At this highly volatile point family, friends, ward leadership and members can and should step in to assist however necessary.
I've been looking at several articles about how to deal with verbal abuse in the home. My husband is the verbally and emotionally abusive one in our home. He is also the Bishop of our ward. Everyone thinks we are doing well and he's a good man. There is goodness in him. He's kind and loving to other people but he gives us, his family, his real demeanor. Yesterday, my children and I sat in the parking lot of a store and was yelled at for 20 minutes. My daughter was crying, I was crying. My son became numb again. I have no where to go. Financially, I can't leave. I think I will start looking for work and perhaps give my children a few more years before I divorce him, so they can better understand. I have tried to talk to him about it, and how it makes me feel. But it always gets turned around to be about him and somehow, his actions are justified. It's even hard to go to church to watch him be so good to others. I fiend illness sometimes because I can't get myself to go. I'm depressed, withdrawn, fake to everyone around me because my life and marriage are a lie.
ReplyDeleteSince I posted this comment the other day, my husband and I have talked and my view is very different today. He knows he was wrong and overeacts and let us all down. He apologized and it's not something he does often. We are working through it. He explained that there have been a lot of stressors at work and church and he has not been feeling well and getting any free time or enough time to rest. I better understand now his triggers-- it doesn't justify his actions, but we both have a more clear understanding. With me he feels safe and so unloads at times. He will work on it and I will try to recognize when things get overwhelming for him and try to alleviate his stress. Bottom line. I love him. Emotionally the other day I jumped to the conclusion of divorce. I wanted to correct that and let you know. I prayed about things and my husband came to me on his own to make things right. That's the Atonement and I hope everyone who has similar struggles find comfort as well.
DeleteIf you're reading this blog, it's for a purpose. Something in your marriage or a friends' marriage isn't right and you are trying to learn more. I feel the need to return here to update others on my story. I cry and cringe as I read of my painful experience I shared here from just a few months ago. I needed to vent.The moment in the parking lot was symbolic of my entire marriage.He's awful. I'm hurt. He's sorry. I forgive. He promises to be better and get help.Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. For time and all eternity....I'm even more ashamed at my response. I wish I could get that moment back. I wish I had the strength and education to see his behavior for exactly what it was. "A narcissist and manipulator with truly no self-esteem or self- worth, verbally forcing and shaming others (typically his wife and children) for the purpose of having his world and life perceived exactly the way he deems it should be." That was a quote from an abusive work book I've been working with.With that let me say, I can't believe I allowed him to belittle me and my children for years without me standing up to him. I'm so used to the fear he puts in me, my heart trembles and the anxiety I've lived with has sadly, on a few occasions, made me contemplate ending my own life. This was my home and my family. This is what my kids feel and have seen from their father. This is what love is to them??? This WAS my marriage. But, I've found my strength and my courage. My eternal beauty that God wants all of His Daughters to have in themselves. I faced my marital relationship with this new set of standards and demanded to be loved and respected and treated that way. This process wasn't easy for me. So many times, I had to fight the learned fear and learned behaviors of my past. I've watched him as he became more and more confused as to who I was now. I could tell he was waiting me out. Doing everything by the book until I went back to the old me that he knew how to handle. It was sad. But I knew that just under the surface, he was beginning to be annoyed. What I came to realize from this final process was that no matter how he behaved, I was still clinging to the hope that we could be a perfect family again. That love could come back into our marriage. I clung to that because I didn't want my children to be children of divorce. What I learned is that they already were. Even though we still lived in the same home, my children were already having to choose between mom and dad. We slept in different beds. Rarely talked. Didn't show any affection. We were two divorced individuals already.It is not our job or our children's job to figure out how to handle and manage the monster in your home or his behavior or anger. They have beaten us down to nothing with their words and with that, we've allowed this behavior to continue...thinking that we were the problem!.GOD DID NOT PUT US HERE ON EARTH TO BE MISERABLE!!! It breaks His heart to know His Daughters, His precious Daughters are living like this."Divorce" is such a powerfully good word depending on how awful a marriage was. My kids have expressed relief that their days of living within the war are over. He is showing his true colors by shaming and blaming me for all this. I can’t believe how quickly I fell back into my victim mentality. I couldn't see his immediate flip-flop in emotion and love for what it was. This cycle will continue to repeat and repeat and after receiving the counseling that I needed, it was so clear to see this behavior for what it was. His skills at manipulation are masterful. Please get real help. Most abusers don't change. However some can. The stronger you become, the more you learn and love yourself, the more you'll be able to see things as they really are and you will know what to do from there.
ReplyDeleteCan you provide a source for the statistics you cited for the LDS divorce rates? I'd like to learn more about those stats.
ReplyDelete