SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 6

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part six of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                             QUESTIONS 29-36

29. LOOKING BACK, HOW WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THINGS

      DIFFERENTLY DURING/AFTER THE DIVORCE?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "COMMENTS:"

1. Number one most frequent answer: "I would have left him much sooner," "Should have got divorced long ago." "I would have done it as quickly as possible and not doubted my own feelings. I would have been more assertive and not worried about what other people thought." "I would have filed the minute I learned of his astounding dishonesty." "I was a co-dependent personality at the time. I am much stronger now and would not have put up with his nonsense for so long." "I SHOULD HAVE LEFT SOONER WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS CHEATING ON ME. WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS MOLESTING MY DAUGHTER I FINALLY TOOK THE STEP."
2. Number two answer: "I wish I would have confided in fewer people. No matter how much you try to explan what is going on people aren't satisfied and just want more information. There are still aspects of the marriage/divorce that people can't understand and that is ok." " I would not have been as open with friends who were gossipy." "I would have kept my feelings to myself instead of sharing with the kids." "kept my mouth shut."
3. Number three answer: "Tried to find some sort of emotional support,  would have tried to find ways to get myself and my children therapy and the help we needed." "Would have actively sought out more support from Church." "Let myself be helped more." "I think maybe I should have had more weekly interviews with my leaders to talk about things. I didn't feel like they knew what was going on. I felt alone." "I SUFFERED ALONE AND IN SILENCE LONG BEFORE ANYONE KNEW. I WAS AFRAID AND HAD NO REASON TO BE. NO ONE SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE. I THINK HAD I ASKED SOONER, I WOULD HAVE HEALED SOONER." "i would have gone to the stake president with some things WAY before the divorce. In my opinion this may have changed everything." "I would have sought counseling myself sooner," "Made sure the Bishop, who is a life line checked in with me every two weeks so that I am accountable to someone in making improvements, counceling, finding work, needed an advisor/cheerleader with no family in the State to help.Need Bishop to keep me in Relief Society, need the women contact & gospel.Bishops need to understand it is a death of the life we know and sometimes we feel immoble because of so many changes. Not make me feel worst when I had to ask for help with finances when things got so tough, just the anxiety and stress of worry was such a heavey load so the Bishop needs to be more understanding & kinder." "I would have asked for better church support with VT, HT and insisted my kids had mentors.... they got lost despite me asking for help from the bishop for my son to be paired with a priesthood father figure."
4. Number four answer: "I would never have married him in the first place because there were red flags." 
5. Number five answer: "Save money away for attorneys fees, etc. Closed joint credit card accounts. Opened personal credit card accounts and established my own credit. I wish I had more information about what was a fair settlement. He made out much better than I did." "I would have been wiser with my finances. I did not save enough and am now in very tight circumstances. I wish I would have prepared better for this financially." "I would have saved money ahead so that I'd have a softer place to land. I wouldn't have given in so easily (I just wanted to be done & didn't want to deal with it anymore). I regret not standing up for myself & the long-term best interest of my children. It's a mess & now I have to pay more to fix it legally." "I would have made sure I had more money and a job when I got divorced." "I would have sued him for the money he owes me, wanted to believe that he would actually do the right thing."
6. Number six answer: "I woud not have so quickly married again to the person I married." " I should not have jumped into a second marriage. It was a disaster." " I was very vulnerable after and too quick to enter another relationship, desperately looking for a happy marriage." "I remarried but we are no longer married."
7. Number seven answer: "I would research for a better attorney" " I WISH I'D LISTENED TO FREE ATTY LEGAL ADVICE: GET HIS WAGES ATTACHED," "I would have gotten a lawyer." "Smarter about making sure I got fair share of assets instead of letting courts decide." 
8. Number eight answer: "It would have been nice to not have to move. That was hard. But I think leaving my ward of 14 years was really best. Then I could completely start over." "I wish I could have stayed in my ward. I had been there 12 years, but I no longer felt wanted there, even though HE was the cheater." "I should have sold my home and moved." "start completely over." "Moved away the moment I discovered everything m ex had done/ was doing. Not remained in the same ward that had had served in the bishopric in." "Moved out of the ward right away. Being in the same ward caused me to stop going after the first year, then I moved a year ago and began going back again. I now hold a current temple recommend." "moved out of my ward."
9. Number nine answer: "Stayed active." "I was inactive at the time, so I'm not sure much change outside of being active in the church during the whole time."
10. "I wish there was some kind of support to women in the church who are going through this with better advice on how to not get ruined in the process." "Yes, there needs to be someone who knows what to do and has had experience. None of my friends knew what to do." "
11. "I would have encouraged that the kids be back home in time for church each sundays, instead of just going to church part time. It made it to easy for them to go inactive later on. That's my one regret."
12. "Seeing how the kids turned out, I wish I could have stuck it out, if I could have gotten past his cheating."
13. "I DON'T KNOW, IT SEEMED I WAS "DAMNED IF YA DO, DAMNED IF YA DON'T," I WOULD HAVE LEFT TOWN DURING THE DIVORCE UNTIL IT WAS OVER"
14. "I would have stood up for myself better with my ex spouse."
15. "I wouldn't have married him in the first place. I married him because I was pregnant and forgave many faults and overlooked huge deficits in the relationship because I wanted to raise my son and thought a marriage to his father would make that a better situation. I was wrong."
16. "Never would have "helped", albeit well-meaningly, male "friends" that took advantage of my confused and tormented state and made my life much more difficult and tormented... even than they already were... I would have learned the about law earlier too so that I knew my rights better and so lessen the trauma/effects of the threats against me."
17. "I wish I had ignored him after we separated. He still wanted to use me for money/food/whatever he could get. He would call me to yell at me, blame me for his problems."
18. "I wouldn't have shared some of my emotions with my children and I wouldn't have blamed myself so much for my ex's behavior."
19. "I know I made lots of mistakes, but one thing that I think I did better than the average divorcee, is I tried to keep things on friendly terms for the sake of the kids. It is amazing what power one can have when remaining civil no matter the provocation. We still get along just fine. It is one thing I can do and continue to do for the sake of the children."
20. "Don't think there was anything I could have changed or done differently. I do believe that I would have had stake callings, but because of the divorce, I wan't considered for any."
21. " I was very guided by the spirit and saw miracles everyday."
22. "I followed the counsel of my Priesthood leaders and was blessed every time I did."
23. "I would have pressed charges for abuse."
24. "I sometimes think shouldn't have revealed his porn problem but I felt I had a chance to educate other women about porn and I feared his anger and was afraid he would do something to me to keep his secret and standing in the church, community and keep his job at byu."
25. "I have no idea. There are a few very still "right"ways to get a divorce. I think you do the best you can in your particular situation and everyone is different. I only know it was the right thing for me and my children at the time and still feel this way today. I know I never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and my relationship with him has grown steadily since."
26. "Would have taken the opportunities to get education and some counseling. I was "talked" out of being on public assistance by a LDS mental health counselor while attending college. Looking back, I totally would encourage any mother who could have an opportunity to better her education and job possibilities to go for it, even if it meant a couple of years on welfare. I took whatever jobs I could get and we struggled financially. It has taken me years to get more education a bit at a time. I realize now I'm not depressed and stressed, it was just his personal opinion. Then I thought I would be "asking for a handout" if I needed help while I got on my feet. My Bishop never said that and I don't remember asking his advice or opinion. It was at the LDS counseling center and I felt like they were the expert and I had to get out there and do whatever I could."
27. "I would have showed my tears and anger to my husband instead of being strong and trying to make everyone feel ok ... it was his choice to leave ... he had secrets and he chose to live them."
28. "I would have been more careful with the way law enforcement was involved."
29. "Don't know, suffered from severe depression during due to feelings of inadequacy."
30. "I would have stopped allowing what I thought other people were thinking to keep me from getting to know people in my new ward."
31. "I would have quit my job sooner when my kids were having problems - before the divorce. Also, I would have found a different lawyer - some members in the ward were going to pool money together for me to get a lawyer, but they wanted me to get a church member - he didn't want to help me."
32. "not got family so involved, they became to defensive."
33. "Not talked about divorce stuff in front of the kids."
34. "I would not ask for any help, then I would not be disappointed when they wouldn't help. I had to do it alone anyways."

30. HAVE YOU SINCE REMARRIED?

• No, but interested in doing so...............................................65.5%
• No, not interested...................................................................8.0%
• No, interested, but not to an LDS man...................................2.9%
• Yes, but married into another bad situation............................9.2%
• Yes, multiple times.................................................................1.7%
• Yes, very happily married.....................................................12.6%
• No, just co-habitating with opposite sex partner......................0%
• No, just co-habitating with same sex partner...........................0%

31. DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE

      AFFECTS OF THE DIVORCE?

THE RECOVERY PROCESS MAY TAKE TIME, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN MORE OFTEN THAN NOT

• Very much so, better than before.................................................29.0%
• Yes, I feel recovered....................................................................23.3%
• Sometimes I feel recovered..........................................................35.2%
• Seldom do I feel recovered...........................................................6.8%
• Never do I feel recovered.............................................................4.0%
• I am receiving counseling/therapy through church means............4.0%
• I am receiving counseling/therapy through private means............7.4%

32. WHAT KIND OF SOCIAL SUPPORT DID YOU HAVE DURING/

        AFTER YOUR DIVORCE OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH?

• Lots of family..............................................................................31.1%
• Some family................................................................................47.5
• No family.....................................................................................6.2%
• Lots of friends.............................................................................24.3%
• Some friends...............................................................................54.8%
• No friends....................................................................................4.0%
• Professional help.........................................................................39.5%
• Internet friends and family...........................................................18.6%
• Other......Comments......................................................................7.9%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. "only from one close friend if I seeked it out; feel very alone still do"
2. "I only have my daughters and 2 friends. My extended family is dead or estranged and never lived with"
3. "I didn't have any friends- I had felt like my husband was enough and hadn't made an effort to make friends. I now regret this."
4. "My family members are all members of the church. After they saw what was going on they understood."
5. "My children were the only social life I was allowed."
6. "My husband isolated me from friends and family as part of the abuse and control. Then he manipulated them during the divorce to believe that I was the one having the affairs instead of him, thus taking away any support I may have had." 
7. "S-anon for those affected by the sexual addiction of a spouse or family member."
8. "ldslinkup.com, many other divorcees looking to find friends, not necessarily dating, but some do that, too."
9. "I have never viewed the church as a support group. The members are too involved in their own lives and families."
10. "Excellent support, both in and out of the church. I have always been blessed with wonderful friends. As a new member, I was very fortunate to be given tremendous support in the church. I did get counseling, but this man took a huge toll on my finances, my health, my self-esteem and many other parts of my life. So my life is different now and will never go back to what it was."
11. "moved to another state and recieved great support and help in that little town!!! Branch President and his family was the best thing that ever happened to me."
12. "Turning Point Personal & Career development class through UVU."
13. "I LOST 75% OF MY FRIENDS"

 

33. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DISCOVERED WHO YOUR

        TRUE FRIENDS WERE BECAUSE OF THE DIVORCE?

THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF FRIENDS: 1-THOSE WHO STICK IT OUT BY YOUR SIDE, 2-THOSE WHO DISAPPEAR UNTIL IT'S OVER,  3- THOSE WHO TAKE THEIR TURN KICKING YOU WHILE YOU ARE DOWN.

• Yes........................................................................................77.5%

• No.........................................................................................22.5%

34. HOW COULD YOUR FAMILY HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER 

      WHILE YOU WERE GOING THROUGH THIS TRIAL?

• Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you...........40.1%
• Lunch/dinner/activities/time spent together......................30.6%
• Come to court with you and "hold your hand"................15.9%
• Send notes, flowers, etc.....................................................15.3%
• A listening ear...................................................................42.0%
• Other......comments...........................................................45.9%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. MOST COMMON ANSWER: I HAD GREAT SUPPORT "They were great. They called regularly and gave a listening ear." "Family was fine.. as supportive as they could have been." "they were great." ""they did the best they knew how and stepped up our relationships." "My family was amazing. No improvement needed."
2. SECOND MOST COMMON ANSWER: LISTEN TO ME "Everyone goes through the phases of divorce. If people could understand those phases it would be a lot easier. At first, the inclination is to talk and be heard, be angry or cry. Talking to someone who understood that would've helped a lot." "anything; just an acknowledgement would have been great." "COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING, THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT." "Most said "good riddance" but did not want to hear me mourn him."
3. THIRD MOST COMMON ANSWER: GIVE ME SPACE "Just let me contact them as I felt the need to talk. I didn't like being asked all the time how things were and I was not in any condition to be social." "I'm very private when I'm facing an ordeal. And glad my family gave me space I needed."
4. FOURTH MOST COMMON ANSWER: SHOW THAT YOU CARE "I had no support at all from family." "I was an abused child so no family support at all!" "my family does not listen to me and does not respect me."
5. "To have not told me i needed to get over it/him."
6. "My family are not my biggest support, but I am blessed with many friends."
7. "my family is so small, just my daughters and a couple of them were getting married and busy."
8. "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice."
9. "All of the above."
10. "not judging or being so negative." "Some of my children were the most judgmental of all." "They would've had to change who they were, they are very judgemental people, and I didn't really want their help."
11. "They let me move in with them and paid my bills while I took a CNA class to then be able to support myself. Looking back, I should have also sought counseling."
12. "Stop expecting me to do as well as a married couple."
13. "My siblings offered fabulous support. My parents didn't like to talk about how I was feeling; I wish they would have been able to do so."
14. "My brother did come to court with me."
15. "Needed help obtaining a lawyer, getting junk out of house, and help with bills, and witness statements (although they didn't use them)."
16. "Help with the boys so I could process everything."
17. "Help around the house."
18. "They meant well, did the best they knew how, but awkward. Still kind and loving though."
19. "My family is not very emotionally supportive during the best of times. They weren't much better during my divorce. They often talked about how it affected them and their children, not how it was affecting me and my children."
20. "They were too far away and not really into phoning much." "My family lives very far away and supported me just fine."
21. "Understood that I was silent so the kids didn't have to be in the middle. Talk about non-divorce things unless I needed divorce advice."
22. "laugh with me more"
23. "Not be so 'I told you so' in their comments."
24. "just stay the same, don't act weird around me."
25. "because of my ex, my family was not allowed to be in my life. they are now and I love them. I feel like they don't trust me now."
26. "UNDERSTANDING"

35. HOW COULD YOUR FRIENDS AND WARD MEMBERS HAVE

      SUPPORTED YOU BETTER?

• Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you......................45.6%
• Personal visits, lunch/dinner trips, time together.........................48.1%
• Come to court with you, attorneys meetings.................................6.3%
• A listening ear...............................................................................53.8%
• Other......comments.......................................................................40.5%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. "no one knew what to do, a lot of people said they'd have us over but no one ever did." "included me in activities,"
2. "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice." "anything other than being ignored."
3. "I wish they had supported my husband more. I was fine, but he felt abandoned and that was hard for me to hear and see."
4. "not spread gossip."
5. "offer to babysit so that I could take care of legal matters."
6. "Needed help dejunking my house and yard."
7. "not judging and blaming me for his abuse." "Not judge me!" "Don't take sides or judge me." "no judgment just smile at me."
8. "There was one person- the EQ president- who did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of. He was amazing. The rest of the ward kinda fell back but I wasn't close to any of them."
9. "They have respected my privacy. I appreciate that."
10. "Looking me in the eyes at church, refraining from treating my kids like THEY did something wrong."
11. "never saw my visiting teachers didn't have any visits from anybody but my home teachers and they were the best support."
12. "ACT NORMAL AROUND ME, INVITE ME TO ACTIVITES I USED TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT WERE MY COUPLE FRIENDS." "just stay the same." "I had great support, including friends going to court with me. However, soon after the drama ends, Singles in the church fall off the radar chart. I still have good female friends, but am less often invited to do things by couples. They're still friends, but they don't think about including unmarried people in some events." 
13. "Help with the children. More priesthood contact with the children." "Help with giving me a break from some of the task that playing both roles required...but only occasionally. I needed to learn to be independent, too."
14. "My ward and church friends were wonderful, at least the ones who knew about it." "Had great support among my lds friends."
15. "lunch/dinner/activities/time together. It was so nice to do & be somewhere different. It gave me break from my chaos."
16. "been at least neutral instead of 'siding' with the husband."
17. "Sisters could have not acted like I was going to grab their husband the first chance I got."
18. "My ward family was amazing. I answered questions from those who asked. I already knew who my true friends were. I have a great RS Pres. HPG Leader is aware of my needs. Bishops have been the men I needed when I needed them. No complaints at all."
19. "I think people can always use lots of support going through a divorce, but I felt suppot and love from my small branch."
20. "There was one ward member who was so judgmental that he ask that I no longer be his wife's visiting teacher. He would also not speak to me even in small groups. That was mean and hard to deal with."
21. "it was me that didn't let them in. I didn't trust anyone. still not very good at it."
22. "My ward members in SC were great but I have felt very judged and ostracized by ward members in UT since remarrying and moving here."
23. "THEY LISTENED REALLY WELL, SUPPORTIVE OF ME EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WENT WITH HIM."
24. "I just wish they treated me as a real person with feelings, not just a charity case."
25. "I realized I had no friends during this process."
26. "NOT TREAT ME LIKE I HAVE A PLAGUE." "They backed off like I had the plague. I'd been in that ward for 22 years. That hurt!"
27. "I was desperate for love and validation that I was ok." "A HUG, WORDS OF KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING, ENCOURAGEMENT."

36. DID THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT REFLECT THE BEST 

      INTERESTS, SAFETY, FINANCIAL STABILITY OF THE 

     CHILDREN? 

• Yes................................................................................55.1%
• No.................................................................................44.9%

CHILDREN IN THE HOME NEED TO BE THE NUMBER ONE CONCERN DURING DIVORCE