SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 4

EFFECTS OF DIVORCE IN LDS HOMES

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part four of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                           QUESTIONS 16-22

16. HOW DID THE WARD/STAKE REACT TO THE NEWS OF
      YOUR DIVORCE? 

• Stood behind and rallied around you for support, 

          very compassionate.................................................................52.9%

• backed away, treated you differently, acted uncomfortable

          around you, or disappeared.....................................................38.2%

• judged you, gossiped about you, placed blame on you

          regardless of "fault".................................................................27.6%

• obvious and outward disdain...................................................12.4%
• no reaction, no change.............................................................17.1%

OFT TIMES DIVORCED MEMBERS FEEL LIKE THE ELEPHANT IN THE CROWD

17. HOW MUCH INFORMATION DID YOU LET OUT ABOUT 

      YOUR DIVORCE? 

• I didn't tell anyone anything........................................................6.4%
• I only told my bishop.................................................................31.2%
• I only told close associates.........................................................63.0%
• I told anyone who was interested...............................................22.5%
• I told everybody who would listen..............................................6.4%

DIVORCE IS A HEAVY BURDEN TO CARRY ALONE

18. IF YOU CONFIDED IN YOUR BISHOP, WHAT KIND OF 

      SUPPORT DID YOU RECEIVE? 

• He was very supportive, checked on you regularly...................52.1%
• He was clearly against the divorce..............................................3.6%
• He did not get involved, stayed away from it.............................12.6%
• Other...........................................................................................31.7%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. supportive but didn't check in much
2. Never heard from him
3. Angry and judgemental towards me
4. I went to my Stake President who was super supportive.
5. He believed my ex and was not supportive of me
6. what a joke! no emotional support what so ever
7. checked on sometimes
8. He was supportive. The Relief Society checked on me daily for a month because my ex got custody of our three sons. It was heartwrenching having my kids taken away from me. I pay him child support.
9. he was supportive of the divorce once my ex moved his mistress in with him and she began attending church with him...my same ward.
10. He wanted me to carry on trying to fix an abusive relationship (abuse included my children).
11. He was clearly against me, blamed me for exe's behavior. 
12. My bishops have been very supportive, but his bishops believe anything he tells them. I only make one call to a bishop after he moves, just to let them know what is going on. One even gave him $30,000 cash after my ex-husband defaulted on his share of our debts and forced my home into foreclosure.
13. he was assigned by the Stake President to be his special home teacher while mine didn't come at all.
14. COMPASSIONATE, BUT ACTED DIFFERENTLY AROUND ME. 
15. The bishop was uninvolved. The stake president was very disdainful
16. Supportive, but had no training with how to deal with sexual addiction of my spouse. The church's 12 step program doesn't have a support anon program.
17. I didn't expect him to be able to "fix" the problem, so only shared when he asked direct questions
18. He helped me financially as well as emotional support. He was a great counselor, exactly what I needed. It hurt to know that my controlling ex was bad for me, but he made me finally realize it.
19. My bishop was amazing handling some very delicate situations and requests from my ex to "command me to receive a different answer"
20. He said he would help and after meeting with my then husband, who was very sly and cunning, he did nothing. I told him I was afraid for my safety and then he ignored me and stood behind my now ex.
21. at first was very supportive, he came over once and said he would check on me every week, never heard from him again.

19. DID YOUR WARD/STAKE CALLING CHANGE DURING/AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

• Yes..............................................................................................................47.9%
• No................................................................................................................52.1%

20. IF YOUR CALLING WAS CHANGED, WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE 

      REASONING BEHIND THE CHANGE?

• He was trying to lower your stress level...............................................25.3%
• He was fearful that you might talk about your divorce........................9.5%
• He was fearful that you might be dangerous to others 

             marriages....................................................................................................8.4%

• It was inspired............................................................................................8.4%
• Other...........................................................................................................66.3%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS: 

1. When my ex threw me and 4 children out in the middle of the night, my parents came and got us and took us to their home 45 min away. i never heard from anyone in the ward again.
2. I desperately needed support and to build friendships because I had been so isolated during my marriage. Then the Bishop isolated me from the ward
3. I requested to be released
4. he was very critical and judgemental of me, even though he is the one who called the police on my abusive relationship
5. I was not a role model he wanted others to look up to.
6. went inactive
7. only because I moved out of the ward & stake i had been in...my new ward put me in a leadership position (they were very supportive)
8. He was punishing me for not being quiet about what was going on.
9. he told me I had enough to deal with
10. I moved. I taught seminary. I love teaching seminary. I knew if I had a divorce I wouldn't be able to teach again. The marriage was bad enough that I went ahead with the divorce knowing I probably would not be able to teach seminary again.
11. I was Relief Society President. Stake President insisted.
12. I STOPPED ATTENDING
13. I moved from the area
14. I asked to be released because I was a mess.
15. Feared I might be a bad influence on the young women
16. I became the Primary President! Bishop said it was truly inspired. He wouldn't have done that to me at that time.
17. Needed to go to work and spend time with my kids

21. IF YOU LEFT YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE OF HIS INFIDELITY, ADDICTIONS, OR OTHER 

      CRIMES AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF THE CHURCH, WAS YOUR SPOUSE BROUGHT

      BEFORE A CHURCH COUNSEL/COURT? 

• Yes.................................................................................................................24.2%
• No...................................................................................................................75.8%

22. IF YOUR SPOUSE COMMITTED A MORAL CRIME AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF THE 

      CHURCH, WHAT IS HIS PRESENT STANDING?

• Active but holds no callings........................................................................4.3%
• Active but on church probation..................................................................0.7%
• Active and has callings...............................................................................19.9%
• Active and holds high positions in church leadership............................2.1%
• Inactive...........................................................................................................36.2%
• Excommunicated or disfellowshipped......................................................18.4%
• Other................................................................................................................34.0%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

1. I am unaware of his standing in the church. If he's still a member, he never attends. He is now totally against the Church.
2. Holds a recommend, but owes me 20k...and sexually desires kids..
3. Unsure because of protective order against him, no contact
4. He removed his name from the records
5. but interestingly enough he was disfellowshipped first, then excommunicated later, then rebaptized without any input from me then excommunicated again
6. non member
7. He joined another church
8. Also kept his job at byu 2 bishops signed his ecclesiastical endorsemen, and one renewed his temple recommend
9. Committed suicide 3 months after the divorce
10. He sings in the Tabernacle Choir and has been in jail twice for criminal non-support. The court still calls him in every 3 months. And he owes me $35,000.
11. Was aloud to be re-married in the temple

"...STUDIES SHOW IN THE NEAR FUTURE HALF OF THOSE NOW MARRIED WILL BE DIVORCED."
PRESIDENT GORDON B. HINCKLEY, Sept. 26, 1998