SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 7

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part seven of the survey for LDS Divorced women.                      

THE LDS CHURCH IS RUN BY VOLUNTEERISM AND LAY-MEMBERSHIP

                                       QUESTION 37

37. HOW COULD YOUR BISHOP HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:

• NUMBER ONE MOST COMMON ANSWER: 

          "My bishop was great!"..............................................................29.63%

1. "Reached out to me. Sent home teachers. Checked on us to see if they could do anything. Offered us counseling." "My Bishop was great. He helped with finding professionals to help us."
2. "stayed on top of what was going on - offered to give a blessing - provide families or others to help through the tough times since I know he's busy - delegate."
3. "My bishop was amazing. He couldn't have done more. He met with me and with my ex indiviually through the whole process, once a week."
4. "He was a fantastic support to me and my children." "I have no complaints. My Bishop was kind, supportive and full of love toward me and my sons."
5. "There isn't a thing he could have done better. He was supportive and loving. He served as a proxy for Jesus Christ in my life." "My Bishop was great! He gave me lots of spiritual advice and I'm glad that I followed it."
6. "My bishop was perfect." "He was awesome." "He was amazing. Exactly what I needed." "My Bishop was very empathetic and understanding." "he was wonderful. He is one of the greatest men I have ever known."
7. "Bishop in the new area was great, very supportive. I was given a calling right away." "THE BISHOP MADE SURE I STILL HAD A CALLING. I AM A RETURNED MISSIONARY AND NEEDED TO BE BUSY. I WAS A RELIEF SOCIETY TEACHER AND THE PREPARATION FOR LESSONS WOULD HELP HEAL MY SOUL AS I BECAME CONCERNED ABOUT THE SISTER'S WELFARE THAT I WAS TEACHING."
8. "My bishop handled everything very well."
9. "My bishop is and continues to help and support me! I appreciate him very much."
10. "He was perfect. No complaints. He even came to the office any time I needed to chat, and he bent over backwards to help me financially."
11. "He was wonderful. I was fortunate in having a bishop who recognized that some divorces are the better choice. I see many women who have been mistreated by their bishop."
12. "He did everything he could. He actually counseled me to leave the marriage quickly if my ex wouldn't get counseling for his problems."
13. "My bishop helped remind me to remain prayerful, seek answers, attend the temple. He check with me frequently. And he supported my agency, when my ex requested a meeting in his office to command me to have a change of revelation. I felt supported through a very difficult time. And after that meeting he called to let me know that he felt that I was proceeding with great caution and wisdom. Even in another ward as a divorced woman, my 1st Bishop allowed my ex to stand in the circle to ordain my son, even though he had asked him not to. My 2nd Bishop was amazing at setting healthy boundaries with my ex and treated me with great love and respect. He is now in the stake presidency and we have talked at great length about the challenges of meeting single's needs. My current bishop has be amazingly wonderful. He is loving and always reaching out to everyone in the ward. I have served as the RS President, Gospel Doctrine Teacher, and am now serving as the YW President. Those callings have taught me so much and I am so grateful for the honor of really getting to serve my ward."
14. "My bishop was wonderful. I was surprised at that because my husband had been the Executive Secretary to this bishop. I was his first divorce to counsel as a new bishop and he was great! He was also supportive to my daughter with advise and Priesthood blessings. My Stake President was also very supportive." 
15. "My Bishop was very supportive. He made sure to touch base with me often. He guided me to take the high road. He would often just put his arm around me and give me a quick, side hug of support. I appreciated that because when you get divorced physical touch is eliminated from your life from other men. I knew that when he gave me a hug, it was what the Savior would have done, had He been here. There was nothing inappropriate about it."   AND MORE...

BISHOPS CAN PROVIDE GREAT SUPPORT TO DIVORCE VICTIMS

• NUMBER TWO ANSWER:

          "I wish I had more emotional/spiritual support."...................................16.3%

1. "Reached out to me. Sent home teachers. Checked on us to see if they could do anything. Offered us counseling."
2. "Just letting me know that he was there to visit if I needed to talk." "Ask more questions. Offer suggestions."
3. "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice." "Could have shown some interest."
4. "Checked up on me, offered counseling or any help/support at all."
5. "I wish he would have been more compassionate. He once told me that if I was a better housekeeper, my husband would be better to me. He was kind and smart, but he seemed like he didn't want to deal with our marital issues. We were something like the 3rd or 4th couple in the ward to get divorced that year, and I'm sure that had taken its toll on the good bishop. He was supportive in his office, but I wish he'd reached out to me outside of that."
6. "He could have done what he said he was going to do...especially after he was given a second chance. He never once talked to me w/out my husband present to ask me what the issues were either."
7. "More check-ins .... there were many dark nights!"
8. "He was very kind and supportive in words, but didn't really know what to do for me."
9. "Well. I still find it hard to believe that he was assigned by the Stake President to be my ex husband's "special" home teacher, when he did not live in our ward, and I had no one and 4 children under the age of 6. I wish I had a special home teacher and just some relief. When a brother in the ward got divorced it was a tragedy and sisters were recruited to babysit for him for free."
10. "The first bishop made it clear that he disapproved of "single" moms. His attitude was reflected by that ward."
11. "I know he didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand it. But Bishops need to know it is not 50 50 There really can be someone doing things to the other person."
12. "More frequent contact. He admitted to feeling uncomfortable around me because I was now single. He and his wife were good friends to both my ex and me before the divorce. Now, they are more constrained. They are good people and include me in major events and I am grateful for that."
13. "He knew what was happening at home but I felt like he did not support me or perhaps he could not because of the church not condoning divorce? I just really needed his support somehow so I didn't feel so terrible about it even though I knew it was the right decision."
14. "He was just so cold, he could have been warmer."
15. "I didn't really know him, he didn't ever reach out to me."
16. "My Bishop in SC was very supportive, kind and helpful. My Bishop here in UT has made me feel like my ex spouse is a victim because I moved far away from my sons biological father. I have sole custody and my ex is unstable and gives no financial support. I feel like my Bishop here wants to support my ex more than he wants to be my Bishop."
17. "He could have listened to the real fears I had and supported me in that, instead of suggesting that I needed to soften my heart and let my husband move back home and try to work it out. That was unthinkable."
18. "After one visit to my home, I never heard from him again. It would have been nice to have his support. More visits or phone calls."
19. "Keeping regular check-in appointments to make sure I am on track with any needs. As he represents the Lord a warm soul to care and help push me through when I feel immobilized."

• NUMBER THREE ANSWER:

          "I wish he hadn't been as judgmental"...................................................8.15%

1. "just been there instead of shunning me doing nothing for me but judging me."
2. "Listened to me before judging me."
3. "Not judge me and accept that I had the best interest of my family."
4. "Judge not."
5. "If he had used the mantle, he would have known the truth. He should not have told the children to respect their father because he did not know what my children had experienced. He should not have support my ex when he had left the ward and been rude to me and treated me as if I was a liar and crazy. He could have prayed to know the truth. He needed to not give his opinion during priesthood blessings because God knew the truth and would not have inspired him to say those things."
6. "He could have refrained from judging when he didn't know the circumstances."
7. "I wish he had not listened to rumors and had talked to me personally." 

• NUMBER FOUR ANSWER:

           "I wish he had used church disciplinary measures against my husband..6.67%

1. "He could have helped me more spiritually, and held him accountable for what he did, instead of rewarding him."
2. "I wish the Church had held some sort of discipline, but I was told that the Church doesn't discipline pornography at all anymore, and that "if he's not sorry when he gets in legal trouble for child abuse, why would he feel bad if the church disciplined him?" so they didn't even bother. He's been dealt with very leniently for his whole life, so he thinks what he does isn't a big deal, and keeps doing it."
3. "Reached out to his bishop with the true facts."
4. "More communication with his next bishop due to my spouse lies from bishop to bishops."
5. "My bishop was exceptional but I wondered why my ex wasn't called in for disciplinary action."
6. "Tried my husband for his crimes, given him a chance to repent."
7. "possibly if my ex-husband had been on probation or disfellowshipped years prior the pattern might not have formed, and possible marriage saved."
8. "He should have called my ex-husband's new bishop and informed him of his true identity. Instead he was able to enter the Tabernacle Choir after an interview with his new bishop and stake president. The 'wolf in sheep's clothing' continues to prowl for more prey to exploit under the guise of a Tab Choir singer." 
9. "I thought they would call him in on his crimes of infidelity (even while he was the Single's Ward Bishop), deceit, and abuse. I guess they don't do that anymore? What happened to excommunication? This is the only chance guys like this have to turn around their ways." 

• NUMBER FIVE ANSWER:

           "I wish he was more conscious of support for the children."................4.44%

CHILDREN NEED EXTRA SUPPORT DURING THE DIVISION OF THEIR FAMILY

1. "I can't even go there. That was just messed up. My current Bishop, five years after the divorce, told my daughter at her 16 year old bday interview, "I don't know what happened with your parents but divorce is wrong and families are forever." I've/we've been active in this ward for three years, he doesn't know because he doesn't talk to me. Being single without any priesthood guidance is hard. Our last Bishop was great. He called me into his office to listen to how things were going and regularly checked on us. I'm not needy but I do need some maintenance."
2. "Listened and supported the children. Youngest did't have a male role model and they wouldn't help because they wanted his father to be there fir him-he was never there."
3. "maybe spoken with my children."
4. "Cared about the children."

• NUMBER SIX ANSWER:

           "I wish he had not chosen to stand by my ex, though he was the 

             guilty one............................................................................................3.7%

1. "He could have not chosen sides. I was the one left in the ward but he made it clear that he believed my ex."
2. "I guess the Priesthood stick together because he was sympathetic to the abuser and felt sorry for him when I started the move to break up the marriage. It must be very hard for an abuser to lose his victims. I guess I had this funny idea that the victims were the ones deserving the support?" 
3. "No matter how much I tried to explain what it was like to live in this hell, he wanted me to work it out. It is not possible to work it out with an abusive cheating narcissistic sociopath. I learned that after 7 years of counseling and 32 years of a hellish marriage. My baby was grown, and I was leaving. The bishop and ward rallied around my ex. Whatever. I still live there, just go to different wards. It's a good thing I know the church is true or I'd never go at all." 
4. "I figured that if he was going to take sides, it would be with the victim? I guess it's a man's world after all." 

• NUMBER SEVEN ANSWER:

          "I wish he had offered temporal help (food/financial/help with move, etc)...3.7%

1. "I feel really guilty asking for financial help, but I have basically been in poverty since the divorce. I am a full-time student, and financial aid is not enough to live off of. Also, the brethren and sisters could just take initiative and help."
2. "Understood my financial situation after divorce better."
3. "I really needed someone to help financially, so my husband couldn't manipulate me in that regard."
4. "I WISH I HAD HUMBLED MYSELF AND RECEIVED HELP FROM BISHOP WITH FOOD AND BILLS."
5. "My health was so bad after long periods of stress that it took a while to get on my feet once I got up the strength to leave him with my children for our safety. I could have used some help temporally for a short time." 

• NUMBER EIGHT ANSWER:

          "I wish I had been consulted before I was released from my calling.".........2.96%

1. "Talked with me before taking away the calling that was holding me together."
2. "Suddenly I was never asked to pray or talk in church again...? I did teach in RS."
3. "After my divorce I desired to serve in the temple. I had to talk to 3 bishops about this (in young single adult wards) before one of them figured out that if you are divorced, you can't be an ordinance worker in the temple for 5 years. This is the most alienating protocol and I don't understand it. I was told I could be a worker, to which I said, 'yes, please', and then nothing came of it. I think I was in a place where I had time to serve, wanted to, knew it would be helpful, and was denied the chance because I got a divorce. It makes no sense at all."
4. "I went from teaching Gospel Doctrine, Institute and Seminary, to helping in the Nursery. I was in there with all the other divorced women in the ward. I really do wonder, what are they afraid of? Do they think we are going to seduce the men during Sunday School? One day I'm a good teacher, the next I am dangerous? Because I'm the 'D' word. Has everyone lost their minds? Is there really no room in this church for failure in marriages? I married a returned missionary in the temple, who happened to also be an abusive, cheating, gay guy. Ok, I chose poorly. Is that reason for this kind of treatment by the leaders and membership?" 
5. "I asked the bishop if he would be interested in my heading up a 'Single's program' in our ward. We have a bunch of singles who feel lost in a family ward. He thanked me for my suggestion and called me to be a substitute Sunday School teacher. No one ever called. I understand that it is hard to understand the plight of the singles unless you are one. Experience is a great teacher. I just feel like the singles are over-looked. God does care about ALL of His children, right?" 

• NUMBER NINE ANSWER:

          "I wish he had more knowledge about abuse and manipulative behaviors"...2.22%

1. "Wished he was more knowledgable about abuse and addiction, then he wouldn't have been sucked into his twisting manipulations."
2. "I started letting the bishop know what was really going on in our home. He believed me. I tried to warn him of how convincing my husband would be when he met with him. He promised that he would not be fooled. The next thing I knew the bishop was caught up in his lies. I guess if he can fool psychology experts, us regular folk haven't a chance. I guess I was hoping that he would have the 'power of discernment' that bishops often can have. I don't blame him, I'm just tired of my ex getting away with his favorite game of my character assassination, along with his infidelity, cheating, and lying." 
3. "I wish bishops were given a little training on symptoms of personality disorders and abuse. It is hard to convince them of how bad it is at home, and how destructive it is to the lives of those imprisoned with these kinds of controlling/isolating/abusive people."
4. "If a sister can't get help and protection from her own bishop, where can she go? Doesn't the Lord care about his daughters?" 

• NUMBER TEN ANSWER:

         "He should not have advised me to stay in an abusive relationship.".............2.22%

1. "He seemed to think it would be worth staying together so I wouldn't be lonely; he had no concept of the realities or dangers of living in an abusive relationship!"
2. "When I begged for help because I felt unsafe he could have done something instead of laugh at me, and then send me home where I then got beat up."
3. "Not to have been so accepting of abuse, as if that's just the way any family has been for years... I broke the cycle, yet my children are still suffering from abuse fifteen years ago...they were only 3,5,7 & 18."
4. "I told him that he was emotionally abusive to me, and was molesting our two children. I felt like the Lord was supporting me in my decision to leave. I was told that the Lord would never tell a woman to leave her Priesthood husband for any reason. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I still kicked my husband out but eventually had to move out of the ward. I'm in my third ward now and my ex calls every bishop in advance of my arrival. I don't know what he tells them, I just know that I have yet to feel supported, cared about, or even noticed." 

• NUMBER ELEVEN ANSWER:

         "It would help if counseling could be offered."...............................................2.22% 

1. "offered counseling or any help/support at all."
2. "I feel like he should have insisted my ex go to couples counseling."
3. "My Bishop was great. He helped with finding professionals to help us."
4. "It would have been helpful for every member of the family to have had counseling during the divorce reprocess." 
5. "It saved my children to have had special counselors just for them. Two years later they tell me that it was the one thing that pulled them through." 

• NUMBER TWELVE ANSWER:

         "I would like to not be treated like a 'man-eater.'"...........................................1.46%

1. "The women in the ward suddenly acted weird around me and would cling to their husbands. I'm sorry, I didn't want your husband before I was divorced, and I don't suddenly want them now, in fact sometimes I wonder why YOU want him....." 
2. "I think it is funny, my husband is the cheater....yet they coddle him and are afraid of ME. Like I am suddenly a threat to their marriage. What is that? I am the victim and they surround him with support? If there is anyone they should be fearing it is HE." 

THE MYTH OF DIVORCED WOMEN WANTING YOUR HUSBAND

• NUMBER THIRTEEN ANSWER:

          "I would like it to have stayed private in the ward.".......................................1.46%

1. "By not gossiping."
2. "During my ex husbands excommunication, my bishop allowed members of the high counsel to tell details of my ex's church court. We lived in a small community and my children were shunned and condoms were put all over the outside of my home. The bishop and stake president told me and my kids that we had to leave town."
3. "He did the best he could... he was young and learning too.However - he could have made sure that if he needed to speak to anyone in the Bishopruic or if anyone one else was present while discussing my "situation" or issues that they absolutely understand they may NOT tell anyone else in the ward including their spouses... I had non-related brothers and others come to me a tell me what they knew about personal dealings and progress in my standing at Church, etc., and others "talking" about me on speculation or avoiding me... Also after I immediately sought willingly repentance and then work toward re-entry to the Church, having the Priesthood leaders/Bishop not drag their feet or forget about me for several years, would have helped immensely to have hope and not feel so outcast... finally the stake President got things rolling... Although I did trust in the Lord's timing and tried to use the time to get myself to be ever mindful of keeping the Commandments on a more personal level, the long drawn out waiting caused much internal suffering and frustration and Satan had a field day with me at times... I clung to the Savior and learned from Father in Heaven privately anyway and tried to understand that these are just humans with flaws too - and to hang on... Finally was able to be re-baptized and then eventually after a few more years to regain the temple blessings and all restored... (sigh) It was a long arduous journey to which I am not sure many others would endure through... I am glad it is behind me and I have learned so much since then..."
4. "My husband was the cheater, but my husband started rumors that he caught me cheating. It was passed around by the ward first counselor."