SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 8

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part eight of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

CHRIST'S CHURCH WELCOMES EVERYONE IN EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

                                        QUESTION 38

38. HOW COULD YOUR WARD LEADERS, VISITING/HOME               

       TEACHERS HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER? 

•  "steadily come and sincerely care - make sure my son went out home teaching and kept up priesthood duties."
• "VT could have at least come to see me. But they didn't for several months at the beginning. Talked to me, called and checked up. Asked me to do things with them. Included me in things."
• "Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
• "Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
• "I think that the church should give more training to help in this area"
• "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice."

HE HAS NO HANDS BUT OURS......

• "Support myself but mostly support my children by inviting and including them in activities."
• "They were just great.. a true blessing to me."
• "Have more knowledge about divorce."
• "Nothing better; they were all wonderful & supportive."
• "Blessings, moral support, physical help moving, place to stay etc."
• "Been supportive, I felt shunned."
• "Check in on me. I have a hard time asking for help."
• "Show me I still had worth in the ward, even though I did not have a husband any more and my home was messy because I had to go to work."
• "It would have been great to have active home teachers to offer blessings to me, but I had a great bishop who did that for me."
• "They all did a very good job. Very compassionate."
• "More regular visits, phone calls. I just needed to constantly know that I was loved and that there was someone there for me."
• "Regular monthly visits."
• "Home Teachers- Help with home projects, mentor my boys, teach boys how to do "guy stuff".

ANY SIGN OF LOVE CAN LIFT THE DOWN-TRODDEN

• "I wish they had reached out to me during the holidays, especially. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas alone were so painful. I didn't even have anyone to exchange presents with. It would have meant the world to me if someone, anyone, would have baked cookies, or sent me a card, you know?"
• "I don't fault the ward leaders. I am not one to ask for help and they can't always know what is needed unless asked."
• "I needed more help getting the house and yard in order."
• "My visiting teacher was great (RS president who had gone through a divorce too) but the home teachers were both either happily married or newlyweds so they didn't really know how to relate with my situation."
• "Visit my home. Many of my home teachers wouldn't come into my house because they needed a third person. It made me feel worse when they'd come over and stand on the doorstep."
• "Checked on me weekly, and when it was really difficult...daily."
• "My home and visiting teachers were wonderful. I only wish my home teacher had been changed to someone older or who came with his wife."
• "I was inactive, so not applicable."
• "It would have been nice to have had some support/ help but received very little; people just didn't know what to say!"
• "My kids need strong, righteous men as role models, but it's hard to get to know them since I'm a single woman. We don't "hang out" with families in the ward, so really, I guess we need them to be assigned to us."
• "I feel like we're being well supported by all our ward leaders."
• "Making visits regularly. With two sons I would be nice to have some priesthood holders to set an example from time to time."
• "Not be afraid of me. I was told once that they were afraid I may influence them."

DIVORCEES OFTEN FEEL QUITE ALONE

• "Other than the Bishop, they didn't know what was going on, so they didn't know more was needed, so I don't blame them for not doing enough."
• "They were great."
• "Not assumed they knew what was going on, not taken sides. Not treated the victims like we were the perpetrators. My ex broke all of his covenants. I broke none of mine. My children were innocent...but that isn't how we were treated."
• "Assess needs better. When I moved 6 months or so after, I had no help. I could have used more help around the house while I was mourning. Now it is no big deal usually, plus I just ask for the help I need."
• "Don't know never had any."
• "Would have been nice to have Home Teachers who actually came and Visiting Teachers who wanted to do more than just give a message - maybe help me out, give me relief in an emergency. I could not call on them for help, when I did they said no..."
• "I wish my home teacher had offered me priesthood blessings on a regular basis. I was usually too distraught to think of asking him, but I really needed the guidance."
• "They were fine. We had lived in that ward for 10 years married, and then I lived there for another 12 as a single mom. They didn't seem to treat me differently."
• "Years ago a divorced friend told me what it was like to be divorced in this church. I did not believe her, and thought it was an isolated incident. Twenty years later when I went through it myself, I had the exact same experience that she described. I could not believe it. This church that I love so much turned on me in my greatest Gethsemane. It made a horrible experience almost unbearable. Now I just do not feel wanted there. If I did not have a strong testimony of the Gospel I would never return."

GOSSIP CAN MAKE A BAD SITUATION IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAR

• "Not gossiping and being judgmental."
• "I suppose members think they have to pick a side. They don't have to pick a side to be helpful. Again, knowing the phases of divorce would be helpful. Divorce is hard. Comments like, "Divorce is always wrong." Is not helpful nor is it true. Heavenly Father doesn't want his sons or daughters to be abused."
• "I started the divorce process in 2009, finalized last spring. In all that time (two different wards) my visiting teachers never showed up to see me at all. It was difficult in both wards to get home teachers. Single sisters with children really need home teachers."
• "not to be judgmental."
• "Stake President could have talked to me rather than just telling the bishop I should be released; just because of the divorce - having done nothing "wrong". i guess he felt I was a bad example to others."
• "I needed someone to check on me. I needed help with coping with the financial disaster."
• "Home teachers could've pulled my weeds. It was all I ever asked and it was never done. New home teachers are much more in tune."
• "My first hometeachers were amazing...the second never came and really that was ok because our family was in deep pain. But we now have our amazing hometeachers back."
• "Visiting teachers who really listened and cared were wonderful, but I haven't had many of those. They are changed frequently and I have not had many who really visit like I would like. I am blessed with wonderful friends and coworkers, though."
• "Home teachers wouldn't come to my house. Visiting teachers came but RS presidency didn't come to see me once."

HOME TEACHERS CAN OFFER GREAT SUPPORT 

• "visited, called, stopped by."
• "I'm glad they didn't change their pattern of visits."
• "Provided childcare so I can/could attend Singles Activities, after divorce of course. Helped include me and kids in FHE more during divorce when couldn't go to singles activities."
• "VT's were wonderful. HT's never came until my ex passed away and then they showed up. Then the ward was very supportive."
• "I was inactive and not receiving visits from them."
• "Making sure a single mom of two sons had hone teachers period."
• "I wish I had had VTs who were good friends during this time."
• "Talked to me, spent any time at all with my kids."
• "Since moving to a new ward, I have not seen my home teachers in 6 months. Visiting teachers talk a lot about their husbands when they visit."
• "I needed my ward to become part of my family, help my children get to & from church events. I would have really appreciated if an elder would have taken my son under his wing & helped him stay active in the church."
• "regular visits would have been nice, it was like they were afraid of me."
• "just act normally, like before."
• "Home ward bishop might have been more interested in my experience and decision making process than he was in stating what was then the "Party line" of staying in a destructive relationship."
• "My home teacher was excellent. I can't remember who my VTs were."
• "My ward leaders were very supportive."
• "Home teachers would have been good. As hard as it was/is, I still need to see marriages that work with love & men who try to do good continually. It gives me hope, though there are days it's painful because I'm reminded of my loss."
• "I felt like they didn't know what to do with me, I felt like an outcast, and still do."
• "All of them were exceptional."

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, IT'S TIME FOR VISITING TEACHERS

• "Think about sitting next to a single person in church. We are not diseased."
• "Home Teachers came every month, but never really tried to serve. Visiting Teachers came or called every month and showed up when I really needed them in direct service to my needs/prayers."
• "No complaints, but I think a family going through divorce needs home teachers that will be regular, we didn't always have that. I hadn't been allowed to be active before the divorce, I wanted examples of good, godly men for my children. We had that sometimes."
• "Be a friend not a counselor."
• "Invited me to dinner or for some fun activities."
• "REGULAR VISITS, BE MY FRIEND"
• "I had a nursery leader ask me why I was in my calling, I told her I was asked by the bishop to be there, she told me she didn't think I should be around small children because I was divorced. I think people just need to understand that just because my marriage didn't work doesn't mean I'm any less of a human being."
• "more regular visits, act normal around me."
• "no idea, if they weren't my friend prior to the problem, then attention to my needs afterwards would not have been comfortable, like a service project."
• "My Home teachers very rarely visited. He is the High Priest Group Leader. I know that life is busy and I am not angry with my Home Teacher but it would have been nice to have some priesthood leader's support with my children."
• "I had the BEST home teachers and visiting teachers. There was only one calling that was "Are you kidding me?" They wanted me to do cub scouts while I was working and going to school. But to their credit they didn't issue a "calling" but made it an inquiry first."
• "I have always been there for them, in every ward we have lived. Now it was my turn to be served. I was broken, destroyed, and lower than I've ever been. The ward preferred to take their turns with the axe while I was on the chopping block." 

THE MAGIC OF A HUG

• "They could have smiled at me at church or in the neighborhood. They could have hugged my children because divorce always hurts the children and that would have relieved their pain and mine too."
• "liked dinner invitations, etc. advice would have been good...not something you have a lot of experience with..perhaps hooked me up with some who had been through it."
• "I wish even now that everyone would try to understand how hard it is to live alone. I am completely alone and it is very difficult."
• "Home and Visiting teachers should just keep on at a normal pace, being interested in our well-being, or just showing little kindnesses... kindness is so meaningful to a hurting, worn-down soul. Showing that I was still worth something, and had value to God, is vital too..."
• "Visit me! Treat me as an equal."
• "They need to give home teachers to divorced women and stop being so obsessed with whether something naughty may happen. They are worse than Muslims in that regard."
• "My visiting teachers were wonderful throughout, thoughtful, compassionate with concrete offerings of help."
• "Some have judged me ... a couple bishops saw me as a welfare case before I was able to speak for myself. At times I've felt like a mooch and right now.. I'm struggling with illness and raising a special needs child alone and I won't go to the church for help because I've been told I've worn out my limit pretty much."
• "If someone asks "Is there anything you need?" and you get an answer, please be prepared to follow through. I am not a 'needy' person, but I asked several times to borrow a step ladder so I could change a light fixture that is very high. I was promised it, and never had it carried through. Then it because a 'joke,' when my HT would visit. Sadly, it wasn't funny to me to have the one thing I had asked for laughed about. This was a second HT, sometime after the divorce."
• "They could have been more accepting and let their children play with mine."
• "Be supportive of my standing in the church. They just acted confused and forgot Who I was."
• "My home teachers were amazing and helped me with many things around my house."
• "They could have shown some compassion. After I moved my new ward went out of their way to show me love and support."
• "My ward was great. It was hard however to no longer be a family. I felt at times like a magic show act. Now you see a family, now you don't. I would have liked it if maybe someone would have sat with me in church. At times, I felt like a leper."
• "People in my UT ward have been slow to get to know me and my son. A few families have told their kids not to play with my son because his family have been through divorce. I served in the Relief Society presidency before, during and after my divorce in SC. But here in UT I teach one Sunday per month and have not been asked to do much more. I feel as though I am not needed. I don't fit in the pre-determined mold of what I should be here in UT."
• "I moved 6 months after my divorce, when I was able to buy a home. My ward helped me to get settled. They continue to keep the relationship going even though it has been several years."
• "Need to have tools for specifically helping women navigate through divorce."
• "My Home teacher was gay and would bring his lovers to come home teach us when his companion wasn't available. I actually thought he was hilarious and was very loving."
• "I felt more comfortable with the older or couple hometeachers, but just come regularly becuase having scriptures with children is even very hard, need the gospel contact.."

• "The home teachers could have followed through and fixed something when they asked if I needed help fixing something. Instead, I got the message that they knew they were supposed to ask, but they didn't really want to do it. I would have rather not even been asked. They would always call at the last second on the last Sunday of the month for an appointment right when I always need to drive to pick up my kids from their dad's place. And then when I suggested another time or two, I got the message that I was an inconvenience because I didn't fit into the schedule they expected me to. It really bothered me when my teenage daughter told me that one of them was staring down her shirt! After that I only let them come to my house once. We requested new home teachers months ago and haven't gotten new ones yet. My daughter asked the bishop to assign new home teachers for us as well. The visiting teachers couldn't have been better! Love them!"
• "My visiting teachers started to take me to lunch every month instead of a home visit to show extra support. They let me grieve over the divorce battle, listened lovingly, and never spoke a word of it to anyone once we parted. It made a huge difference to have someone to talk to that cared, a cheer section so to speak." 
• "My visiting teacher saved a spot for me each week at church. I felt like the elephant in the room when I arrived without my husband, but knew I would't be sitting all alone. That one thing alone helped me to keep coming."
• "My new leaders, Home and Visiting Teachers were very supportive."
• "They could have been more supportive in general and noticed what I was trying to say. I gave them hints of the abuse and control I was living with but they did not get it. "I'm not aloud" "No, I can't come, he wouldn't like that" "No he would be mad at me. They just didn't seem to really care."
• "regular visits, showed compassion instead of backing away."
• "Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement.Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement."
• "They did a good job but the culture of the ward was very negative towards me."
• "Acted normal, reached out with love and compassion for the worst trial of my life, especially after I'd been there for them during theirs. Regular visits or calls. I wish people had asked me for the truth instead of believing idle gossip of character assassination from my ex. I was the innocent victim. Yet they sided with him. I had been serving them and their children for 12 years. Not gossip about me. Not send me the oldest man in the ward to be my home teacher, who preached that women should never leave their husbands, every time he came over. I still live in that house but cannot attend that ward. I visit other wards even though it has been over 2 years and I have remarried. I still get treated like I have the plague."