WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THIS SURVEY
I am no doctor of psychology,
or Bishop, or expert in the field of life-ology. But this is MY blog, and I
believe that anyone can read a survey and learn something from it as I have. I also happen to be the one conducting the research. So please bear with me as I interpret what I believe to be the conclusions of the year long survey for the LDS Divorced Women.
Due to the numbers and repeated comments, I chose to
record a very small sample of the actual voices of the divorcees. I wanted you to hear what they had to say. Sure, numbers speak for themselves loud
and clear, but then there are the comments coming straight from their broken and healing hearts. Nothing is more
powerful than their own words.
The sad thing is that I don’t
think anyone will read this except other divorce victims. I have hoped that
those who have NOT experienced divorce would want to know what they can do to
better support this segment of society. But I know better. I know that families
are busy and are concerned about their own worlds and schedules. Not because they are bad people, or just don't care. Mostly because they are not aware, and really are busy raising their families and slaying their own dragons.
I also know that the word
“divorce” is not exactly that happy place. It’s like saying “I think I will go
study about poop for my spare time.” It is not a pleasant subject, especially
for the average “married-successfully” person. I wouldn’t want to dwell there either if I didn't have to, to be
honest. I prefer to spend my internet time looking up vacation spots, or tips on beautiful scrapbooking. I’d
rather read about broken bones than about broken homes and families.
Regardless, there is a group
of our own people who feel left out, alone, deserted, afraid. They have spoken
out, they have stated the out-of-the-ordinary. They have given us their truth
about the devastation of life after marriage to the wrong person.
I personally was touched to
read their comments. Sometimes I thought what they had to say might offend
someone and was tempted not to add it. Then I remembered that I was here to
expose the truth. Not sugar coat it. In each statistic there is extreme pain.
On occasion there is hope, sprinkled with moments of great charity and healing.
I hope that the information
included in this survey is informational and educational. I hope that we can
use this information to narrow the gap between divorcees and their ward
families. I would hope that each person would walk away from this reading thinking about a divorced person in their ward, neighborhood, family that they are going to call and check on, and ask out to lunch, or to a movie, or just to say hi.
I'm hoping that these divorce survivors will start to be included into the parties that they were involved in before the divorce took place. I would like to see the word "divorce" lose it's position on the list of sins and transgressions in church members minds. And the stigma of being a "husband snatcher" disappear for all time. In my perfect world everyone who came to church would feel loved, wanted, needed, and appreciated.....no matter what stage of life they are in.
"The Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, service and love to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father." ---Elder Joseph B. Worthlin
But I promised to give you my conclusions and thoughts about the survey results.
Question number 1.
I find it interesting that over 70% of the divorces were initiated by the women in the relationship. I have a rough time believing that it's because the guys are always at fault and are always the jerks. I have seen some pretty miserable marriages where it was obvious that the woman was at fault. I have seen quite a few wives that John Lund would call "porcupines." No matter how bad she was, in these instances, the guy refused to leave and break up the family. I then wonder if men aren't more patient with imperfections than we are as women. I also realize that according to these statistics, most of the women left because the guy was abusive, cheating, personality disorders, or was addicted to something. These kinds of behaviors are dead-ends 99% of the time. But I wonder if there aren't quite a few women out there with the same kinds of craziness but the guy does not leave them. Now, I also understand that women are in more of a vulnerable situation when it comes to abuse, and must do what they can to protect themselves and their children. It just makes me want to survey regular married couples and see how many guys are just hanging on. In my opinion, and from my research, guys are even more co-dependent than women are. Now don't get me wrong, I think the word "co-dependence" has been misused the past 20 years or so. It is not a negative thing to NEED relationships in our lives. It is the way God made us. We inherently need others in our lives. It is not natural to be so independent of other relationships. I believe it leads to narcissism. Everybody needs to be loved. It is the number one human need, even above food and water. I'm just thinking that men will hang on to a bad relationship longer over the option of being alone, though, in most cases they have the advantage of not having to worry as much for personal safety. Although there have been instances, even among our own surveyed, who would beg to differ.
Question number 2.
I think that the most shocking part of the whole survey is this statistic. The number one reason women leave is for abuse of some sort. We are talking inside the church. Inside a church that teaches us to be Christlike everyday, that specifically teaches the men how to be good Priesthood holders. I tend to wonder if much of the abuse comes from the addictions, if they don't come first? Then the behavior? Or is it generational? I could ask these questions in the survey, but I don't know how open abusers are to admitting they have a problem, and don't tend to blame it on the behaviors of the wife and/or children? "If they would behave properly, I wouldn't have to beat them." Though physical abuse is more rampant than we want to believe, many who have been through the emotional abuse claim that it was worse than physical. If they are beat, it is obvious to others and easier to get out. The bruises heal, the ego takes a little longer. But crazy-making, manipulations, passive aggressive behaviors are harder to be seen by others, making it harder to get out of and have any type of support team. Women tend to get out sooner with physical abuse, where emotional can go on forever, and the damage take longer to undo.
As a woman, the idea that I find interesting is when a guy cheats on his wife and then, when caught, announces "but it didn't mean anything to me." I am still trying to comprehend why guys think that this will make a difference in their case. Maybe a guy can explain this to me. From time immemorial guys have believed that it is ok for them to mess around, but not the woman. Cheaters are very protective of their wives and would not be very happy to find that their wives were doing the same to them. Another question for the men. And when I say "men," I am saying the "natural man," not ALL MEN. The old saying "what is good for the goose is good for the gander." Not according to THOSE men. If you remember, when Mary Magdalene was brought before Jesus for adultery, did you ever wonder where the man was in this scenario? It obviously takes two to tango. Why were not two thrown down at his feet? And when Jesus said that he who was without sin cast the first stone, I believe he was meaning this very kind of sin. I believe he was saying, in His way, that He knew them to also be adulterous. I believe that man has tried, and successfully, to place blame on the women for their infidelities. I understand that men are more "revved up" for a better term, sexually. I also know that while I am not a man, that our main purpose for coming to earth was to gain a body. Then our hardest task was to make our spirit master over that body. The "natural man" is an enemy to God, therefore, our struggle is to every day, every minute, be above what our flesh is craving. Mastering ourselves. If it was not humanly possible, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" would not be part of our ten commandments. So, no, it is not ok for men to sleep around, even if it "meant nothing" to them. If you try to tell me it is because your "woman doesn't perform" I'll probably slap you silly. If a woman has no joy in the sexual part of your relationship, then it very likely is the fruits of your relationship. If you are not taking care of her, loving her, helping her with household duties and the children, adoring and cherishing and appreciating her, and being a good lover....she will not respond in bed. Period. A happy wife "performs." It's only natural. This is where you want to make your investment of time and effort. And then you will reap the rewards.
I feel greatly for the couple who is trying to overcome addiction. My hat goes off to those women (or men) who stick by their stricken partner and try to support them through recovery. I don't know if I would be that strong personally, so I admire those who do. I also do not judge those who cannot. Porn is like a drug that washes over the brain and changes them. It is one of Satan's greatest tools for completely incapacitating a human being in their ability to accomplish their life's mission. The same thing with any kind of addiction. It is like pulling the plug on a toaster and expecting it to still toast your bread. It just can't, and it doesn't want to, and it doesn't care that it doesn't want to. I was speaking to a bishop of a married ward at BYU. He told me ten years ago that 2/3 of his ward's brethren were addicted to porn. These are the cream of the crop of our youngsters. It's tempting to move out to a cabin with no internet or television just to save our boys and girls from pornography's harmful effects.
Question number 3.
It appears that most of the divorces take place within the first ten years. This coincides with national statistics as well. The only difference is that in the church most divorces take place in the first five years, then the next five years is the next largest. I think this is a good sign, that the hypocrites, mismatches are quickly remedied. I have too often heard the sad story of women in particular who fall for guys who are putting on the "Peter Priesthood" act, which does not last after marriage. This kind of act is hard to keep up and is most often dropped during the honeymoon. "They changed personalities after the altar" is a common story in the church, both male and female. For some reason the predatory personalities prefer the sweet and innocent as spouses, they tend to be naive and will never guess what they are up to, even if it is blatant.
NATIONAL STATISTICS
I want to address the last statistic, why few divorce after 40 years. Some might believe that the older folks come from a different time when people just stuck it out. It just wasn't done in those days. "You made your bed, now sleep in it..." kind of thinking. There were those who were meant to be happy in marriage and those who weren't. It was a crap-shoot. You just hoped you'd be the lucky one.
Divorces were harder to get in those days, and fault had to be proved. Someone had to have had an affair, or had to have been extremely abusive, or some such extreme case. Even then, women were expected to "know their place" and take whatever was given to them, regardless. Some of that belief is still prevalent today.
Many states started moving towards "no-fault" divorces, and the divorce rate increased tremendously. With the court system being a little easier to navigate, many women jumped at the chance to get out of their bad marriage. Yet many women still hesitated to. Taking into consideration that most women (going through divorce) are dealing with abuse on some level, cheating spouses, personality disorders, or addictions....not to mention those who have discovered the true identity of their homo-sexual-pretending-to-be-straight partner. These women see those who "have it" in their marriage relationship, the ones who walk hand in hand along the shore, who steal a kiss while the kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, those magical few who share that "look" when they think no one else is looking. Don't think they don't see those families on the fast track to the eternities, and don't think that this image is what they aren't aching for every inch of their bodies, in every part of their souls.
I recognize, now, those marriages that are just surviving. My husband and I volunteered for a sealing assignment at the temple this morning. A few couples joined us from the ward. Two of the couples had that gleam in their eye when they looked at each other over the alter. It was the same one I was sharing with my sweet husband. Then there was the one couple who could not make eye contact. She glued her eyes to the sealer, and he to the altar. I recognized the great effort it took to avoid looking at each other, I used to do the same thing with my first husband. As obvious as it was to me watching them, I wondered if others watched us and thought the same thing. Or did I notice it because I had been there?
Was my look of hopelessness as obvious as was this woman's? There is the magic word, hope. Sometimes we hold onto hope too long.
We want to believe that if we just live a little bit better, if we just read the right "Fix Your Marriage" book, or take enough classes on marriage, that one day our family will look like that too. In some cases that may do the trick, but when dealing with personality disorders, addictions, grown adults who have been raised badly with dysfunctioning parents, or whatever the excuse, nothing that the woman does will change anything. Then the question arises as to why we wait so long once we come to the realization that there is no hope for that "eternal family" with this partner?
Most stated emphatically that because they were married in the temple, they could not "break their covenant." If the marriage covenant is looked upon this way then to some it is considered a life time and eternal prison sentence. It means that you are stuck with this horrid person for the eternities. Too bad for you, you chose poorly. God's plan is a plan of happiness, not misery. He means for us to have the same kind of happiness that He has. One of the most amazing joys in our existence is to be loved romantically, to be cherished and protected and cared for. This is what our loving Heavenly Father wants for us. If we are young and foolish and choose a mate from our limited life's experiences during that "I-know-everything" stage and are expected to live with the consequences for the eternities, that does not sound like a very loving Father to me. I am truly surprised that there are any who marry well the first time. Thank heavens there are. Otherwise there would be no example for the rest of us, and no hope for us to look forward to.
In most cases the covenant had been broken already by the cheating, addicted, abusive partner not living up to his covenants. I am convinced that the "everlasting covenant of marriage" was never meant to be considered as prison gates, but as a protection to a family. It was not meant as an "owner's manual" to the vindictive, controlling partner. I do not believe that a loving Heavenly Father wants any of his children to be abused, or stuck in a dead end life. I believe that He believes in new beginnings. Having a chance to be "born-again" and start over. Even if it means putting aside a temple sealing with the wrong person, and making it right, to someone who is deserving and worthy.
The ones who stuck it out the longest was because there were children involved. I know many who stayed in until their children were of age to not be fought over in court and made to choose. The next highest was because they could not afford to leave. The husband had control of the finances, and would not give them an attorney allowance. Many of these women had been "stay-at-home" moms, or if they did work, they did not make enough to take on all of the extra expense of legal fees.
Most were afraid of the reactions of their associates in and out of the church. Divorce is not very popular in the church, and a woman leaving a man is considered the worst kind of woman. It is not a pretty picture, and is one I am hoping to dispel, at least to some degree. "Men are that they might have joy." Some men believe that statement literally, meaning men only are entitled to happiness. "Woman are that they might help men have joy."
Don't get me wrong, I am no feminist. But I do believe that Heavenly Father loves His daughters as much as He does His sons. I also do not believe that they are on earth to be exploited by men. "Help-meet" means "partner." A man and a woman who spends their lives trying to make the other happy is the highest of joys that can be attained in this life. It is the most basic of human needs. To love and be loved. Unfortunately, even women buy into this "lot of women."
Members of a family ward can be the most cruel of all in a person's circle of support when it comes to divorce, and the worst supporters can be the other women. I understand now why women wait for so long until they can no longer take it. They know that they will be sacrificing their standing in society, their reputation, their support, and their friends. As bad as they think it is going to be, it is usually worse. Getting support from the men is not much better, though some have had it at some level. There is every reason to understand why women fear to face the "church" and sever their marriage vows.
Some fear their husbands wrath once they find out they are "escaping." Some have the fear of their husbands winning the children in the court battle. Others have asked in prayer for a confirmation in their decision and waited until they got the go ahead. And the saddest scenario of all is when she still loves him. There is the heart break. Often the negative behavior of the spouse has chased away all affection, but not always.
In all cases, it is hard. It takes incredible courage and strength. It is a lonely battle, one that no one can understand unless they have been through it themselves. If you have a supportive group of friends and family, you truly are blessed indeed. Then hold on tight for the nightmare of your life!
6. How big of a trial was this for you?
96% believe divorce is a major trial. No surprise there. Only 4% felt like it was no big deal. I am surprised that it was that high actually. How does one go through the divorce process unscathed? The court system alone condones a battle field. You get attorneys involved who want to drag out the process so they can make as much money as possible, and who often either over dramatize non-issues, or over look important issues. Most laws lean in favor of the women as far as getting the house and children goes. But many times they are also saddled with the debt. I remember my family law attorney friend telling me how much he hated doing divorce. He said "No one wins." No matter what the results are at the end of the day, neither will be happy. They never get all that they wanted, a family has been split up, both are poorer than they were before, and everyone involved feels destroyed. "No one wins."
7. During the divorce did you ever consider committing suicide or running away, or both?
A little less than half of women had thoughts of suicide or running away during the divorce, or both. This is another indicator of just how hard it is for those going through the divorce process. It takes a lot of courage to come to the point of making the hard decision to leave. In almost every case, as much as they dread the back-lash of everyone's reactions to the news, it is usually worse than they could ever have imagined. At the time it feels insurmountable. It seems like life is over, and will never be the same. It is true, it will never be the same, hopefully it will be better. Financially it may or may not be. If there is abuse, infidelity, addiction in the equation, the lack of these things will be better. But with it also comes the feeling of loss of that relationship for most. Once upon a time he was your best friend, your lover, your confidant. The next he is your enemy, too often doing things to you that you never knew he could. My daughter's mother-in-law gave her some good advice during my divorce. She was baffled at the craziness of her parents during they period of time. She wisely counseled "never judge a person during a divorce, you will see the ugliest sides of a person, they are both fighting desperately for their future survival and the animal comes out in them, spurred on by the court system." It is so true. Even those who have tried to have an amicable separation have been forced into the "boxing ring" by the legal system.
For me it was the first time I felt like living. I was looking forward to having the experience of being loved for a change. I felt like I had been set free from my cage. Even so, the process of divorce, with all of the gossiping from friends and ward members, distance from those who should have stepped forward to offer support, and loss of relationships, it's never a pleasant experience to plow through. Counseling is imperative to survival in these cases. We have to have SOMEONE to talk to about what we are going through even if we have to pay them to do so. We all survived and knew that quitting was not an option. Suicide is not an option in our church, we know that there are heavy penalties when we face our master. It doesn't solve anything but makes it worse. A permanent solution to a temporary problem.
8. What were the ages of your children when going through the divorce?
That the highest age group was elementary age shouldn't surprise anyone. That is long enough to have children, recognize problems, try to solve the problems, continue to try to work them out, and then find your way out. But for many, like myself, ending the marriage was just not an option. My mom was married to a horrible man, and didn't leave him until he was in prison. My grandma stuck with her alcoholic husband until death. So I figured all marriages were miserable. And I stayed until I came to the realization that staying was not an option any longer. So often we stick it out until the kids are grown and gone. But one thing is true for all. No matter what age they are, divorce tries the children to the core. Some never recover. Some recover faster once the parent leaves the abuse. My parents divorced when I was married for 23 years. I'm sure it was hard for my brothers, but I thought "it's about time." I could have stayed in a bad situation forever too. But what kind of message would that be for my daughters? No matter how badly you are treated, you have to STAY with him? No. Not my girls. Marriage is supposed to be the happiest state of this life. That connection between man and woman is something we all desire, dream about, read novels about. When it becomes a prison sentence, then we are missing out on the best this life has to offer. We just can't be stuck with a decision that we made when we were young and dumb. I don't care if it was in the temple, I don't want to waste another moment of my eternity with the wrong guy, and I might as well be investing in my eternal mate. Children will not understand that. Period. If we could all use a crystal ball when we find a potential mate, it would protect us all from the ravages of an abusive/addictive/cheating marriage followed by a messy divorce. Until then, all we can do is our best to make a happy life with whatever we are dealt. Children eventually come around.
9. During the divorce, how I communicated with those around me.......
I was hoping to find the magic answer for the best way to plow through a divorce. But no matter what angle she pursued, she felt isolated and deserted. If she told others what she was going through, they would run away. If she didn't tell them, they would run away. No one likes the toxicity of divorce. It is like that "alligator under the bed" that everyone fears. It is everyone's greatest fears that their parents would divorce, or that their spouse would leave them. They see a divorcing person as someone falling down a well, reaching out for someone to stop their fall. Those watching the decent see that anyone who grasps on to this person is going to fall down the well with them. Though it is not true, and their fears are based on the unknown, it is a knee-jerk and typical reaction for people, no matter how close you thought you were. I lost 75% of my friends. Certain family stepped forward, and many disappeared. I kept my problems to myself through the whole marriage because if I tried to tell them that our "picture perfect" family was fake, they would get angry with me. There were some major red flags, and if I mentioned them I was immediately shut down. Instead I got "how does it feel to be married to the most Christ-like man that ever lived?" Eventually I stopped talking. I guess I wasn't surprised when my friends were so shocked at the announcement. If they had been good friends and had listened to me, they wouldn't have been so much in the dark. I wonder if we can't work on our "friend-skills" a little in this life? How many of our friends are "fair-weather" friends only? "Until problems do you part?" It's good to know who your "through thick and thin" friends really are. The biggest thing a friend can do when someone is going through a divorce is listen. Just listen. We have to get stuff off our chest, then we feel better. We may even have to say the same thing over and over again for a while. Then someday it gets better, and then it will be my turn to listen to you. That's what friends are all about.
