15 OTHER: TELL-TALE SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE IF YOUR SPOUSE IS CHEATING ON YOU?

Your spouse is showing lots of signs that he/she is cheating, but you hate to jump to conclusions. You are having a rough time coming to grips with the truth, and might even be experiencing some blissful denial. You've answered "yes" to many of the previous questions, but you are not quite convinced yet? Here are some more questions to consider.

                   WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF CHEATING?

1. His/her clothing smells of unfamiliar perfume/cologne.
2. Lipstick or foundation marks on his clothing.
3. Unexplained marks on his/her neck or body.
4. His/her friends/colleagues seem uncomfortable in your presence.
5. He/she seems uncomfortable with your friends/colleagues.
6. He/she prevents attending functions where your friends, whom he/she knows, will be attending.
7. He keeps condoms in his wallet when he doesn't use them with you.
8. Wants to try new techniques/positions when having sex with you.
9. Asks you questions pertaining to the likes of other women/men.
10. Asks you questions such as "is it possible to love more than one woman/man?"
11. Stops having sex with you.
12. Daydreaming when he/she is with you.
13. Telling you he/she is with a particular person to cover for the time of his/her disappearance.
14.  No longer holds your hand, or other displays of affection, in public.
15. Minimal and mechanical displays of affection at home, such as the hello or goodbye hug or kiss.

THERE ARE ALWAYS SIGNS, BUT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR EYES

One participant of my survey said:

"I was at a family reunion when my husband claimed to run an errand and never returned. It was a 3 day trip to our cabin. I was irritated by his desertion as the host of the party, but was also used to it. When I had a quiet moment with my mother and a couple of siblings they carefully asked me if he did this 'disappearing act' very often. I told them that he had since we were first married 31 years earlier. He often goes to a hotel by himself to "get answers to prayer," to the cabin, or camping by himself to 'commune with God.' They had that grave look on their face as they questioned me further.

"When I finally allowed myself to realize that my husband was cheating on me, I sat on my couch for three days and was unable to eat. I felt sick to my stomach, I thought I was going to die there on the spot. It took those three days to build up my courage to move forward once the shock eased up a little. That is when I started to make a plan. I did not confront him yet. I needed to find some hard evidence and prepare. I needed to make some hard decisions.

"I started to realize that the signs were in front of me all along, but I was a good person myself and could never believe that someone in the church could be that deceitful. He was a bishop of a Young Single Adult's Ward at the time. I knew that he put on a different face for the people at church. I knew he was emotionally and verbally abusive at home, with regular moments of passive aggressiveness, isolation, and manipulation. Once he left the doorway of our home he turned into the most charming, caring person on earth.....to those he wanted to impress.

"I knew that he was a con-man of large degree, and that I was going up against the top lawyer in a firm of over 250 people. I had to play my cards right if I was going to survive. That's when I started looking for clues. There was an old high school girlfriends phone number written on a note in his glove compartment. There was a business card of "intimate gifts" in his desk drawer. There was an extra phone listed on our family cell phone plan. He was leaving the house after I went to sleep at night. He was lying to me about his whereabouts.

"Then I found the makeup on his garments. Foundation. There is nothing on earth that leaves a stain like foundation. The only thing is, I don't wear foundation.....just face powder. I held it up when he walked in the door from work. I put on my 'caught ya!' expression and asked 'what is this?' His expression dropped to one of panic and he jumped forward to snatch it out of my hands. That was what I wanted to see, his reaction. It told me everything I needed to know.

"I pulled it away so he couldn't take it from me. I would want to keep the evidence. My face turned to a smile, and I said calmly 'I just need to know what kind of stain this is so I know what kind of stain remover to use. Is it punch?' He relaxed and blurted out 'YES! It's punch!' I thought, "interesting that none of his shirts had 'punch' on it, just his undershirt.' I thanked him and hid the garment top for future use."

At this point this woman began her plan to get out of the deceitful marriage. She began to look for more signs, and to build a plan.

My next post will outline what to do once you are at this point of discovery. DO NOT CONFRONT HIM YET, OR MAKE IT KNOWN TO OTHERS.

In the next post (number six) I address how to go forward once you have come to the point of knowing that you want to get out of the relationship. You have to decide if this is a one time, caught-him/her-at-their-lowest moment, and it is not who they usually are? Or if this has been going on for a long time? Or if this is just where your marriage has led you at this point. You and only you must decide that.

Has he always been a good husband and father (wife and mother)? Is this just a hiccup? Do you still love him/her? Is it worth going to counseling to save the marriage? Maybe so. Many are able to get past affairs and eventually do well. It is not common, but some people have to learn things the hard way. For some their marriage became better than ever because the spouse was not taken for granted once they went through the repentance process. The Atonement is a powerful thing for healing both the cheater and the betrayed spouse. This will be a matter of prayer.

                                      WHEN IS THERE NO HOPE?

• If the cheating spouse has no show of repentance or remorse (other than for getting caught).
• If the signs have been going on for many years.
• If this is not the first time.
• If your spouse has signs of narcissism, or is a sociopath
• If he/she is abusive on any level
• If the spouse has no desire to go to counseling, the bishop, etc. 
• If the spouse is still not confessing and keeps cheating
• If he/she is a pathological liar
• If you have given him/her many chances and nothing has changed. 

I hope this has helped somewhat in clarifying what your options are, and helps you to get a better understanding of the ways of the unfaithful spouse. God Bless you.

AFTER 32 YEARS OF A HELLISH MARRIAGE I FOUND LOVE

33 FINANCIAL/WORK: Tell-Tale Signs Your Spouse Is Having an Affair

HOW TRANSPARENT ARE YOUR FINANCES BETWEEN YOU? 

                 IS YOUR SPOUSE CHEATING ON YOU?

You are picking up clues here and there that something is just not normal about your spouse's dealing with money and career behaviors. You may not be able to put your finger on it exactly, but there is that nagging feeling. Is it based on anything? Ask yourself these questions.

1.  There are extra credit cards in his/her wallet that you knew nothing about.
2. There area credit card purchases of gifts and other items not meant for you.
3. Credit card statements are sent to another address. 
4. Receipts of items not purchased for you, found on him/her.
5. Extra money that is not accounted for.
6. Small, intimate gifts in his/her possession not given by you.
7. Travels for "work" more than usual.
8. Not letting you know of the flight details when traveling.
9. Not letting you know the hotel he/she stays at while traveling.
10. Coming back from traveling with gifts, such as perfume, claiming he bought it in behalf of a friend.
11. Suddenly interested in buying sexy lingerie/underwear.
12. Sexy lingerie/underwear is found in the suitcase/bag, trunk of car....
13. He washes his underwear while taking his shower.
14. He comes home with fresh underwear.
15. He/she leaves home fresh in the morning, and comes home fresh in the evening.
16. He/she makes financial decisions without discussing it with you.
17. He/she entertains too frequently.
18. He/she gives excuses for coming home late from work every night, or often.
19. Avoids having dinner with you.
20. Suddenly becomes calculative in the families expenditures.
21. Accounts with banks unknown to you.
22. Hotel receipts in his/her possession.
23. Hotel business cards in his/her possession.
24. Gas station receipts that are from stations not on the way to or from work.
25. Comes home from work wearing a different shirt.
26. Shows interest in items for females while shopping with you.
27. Unpaid parking tickets sent to your house from places after work hours he should not be.
28. Goes to "work" on Saturdays, or during family gatherings.
29. Suddenly takes more time in appearance for going to "work" and "meetings," church or otherwise.
30. Buys new suit/dress/clothes for work or church, but doesn't wear them with you.
31. Is more worried about the car being clean.
32. He/she might want to purchase a car that is more sporty and gives a better impression.
33. He/she tells you to no longer put away savings. He/she is taking care of that. 

IS HE/SHE MORE STINGY WITH THE MONEY LATELY?

                              HOW DO YOU FIND OUT FOR SURE?

You may have to do some snooping to see if any of these are true.

• When he claims to be at work on a Saturday, for instance, go along with it. Later take a drive to the office and see if his/her car is parked out front. If it is, is it the only car or is another one there too? You have every right to check it out. You may even take a picture of the empty parking lot, or the other car parked by his/hers, including the license plate. If you have a police friend, ask them to look up the plate number. 
• Check out all of his/her claims for validity. "I went with Jill to lunch." Call Jill. 
• Look through the luggage before and after a "business trip." 
• Keep a diary of the things that seem out of place (in a secure place). 
• Don't buy the "I'm doing this for you honey" line when he/she is explaining the extra time spent away from home. 
• It takes time, energy, and lots of money to keep up two life-tyles, especially when one is hidden. 
• Trust your instincts. But don't confront him/her yet. There are more signs to consider and questions to ask yourself that will be discussed in future blogs.

MY "POST DIVORCE" TRIP TO TURKEY AND GREECE

17 HOME COMPUTER USE/ TELL-TALE SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

HAS HIS COMPUTER BECOME "THE OTHER WOMAN?" 

Is your spouse suddenly weird about people in the family being around his/her computer? Does he/she spend more time than usual in front of his/her computer? There may be things that are going on behind your back, or it may be absolutely nothing. Ask yourself these questions before jumping to any conclusions.

1) He/she spends more time on the computer, especially in your absence.
2) He/she deletes information from the computer, including emptying the recycle bin.
3) He/she spends time on the computer after you go to bed.
4) If you appear suddenly, he/she acts nervous and turns off the computer, or switches screens.
5) He/she spends every possible moment on the computer.
6) Often the door is locked to the office, or room where the computer is set up.
7) He/she is constantly changing the passwords to the computer.
8) He/she acts nervous or angry when you or the children use his/her computer, or he/she forbids it.
9) He/she has high security set up on the computer.
10) Is the computer turned to "silent" so as to block the instant messaging "bleeps?"
11) Does the computer seem to be a new obsession with him/her?
12) If it is a laptop, is he/she careful to always keep it with him/her?
13) Does he/she use "Private Browsing" to hide their activities?
14) Does he/she insist that you open accounts together on social media? Eg. JoeandDiana
15) Are you aware of other email accounts in his/her name that were not told to you?
16) Does his/her Facebook account have names of old boy/girl friends, or other suspicious contacts?
17) Does his/her email account have suspicious names in the contacts list?

If you've answered "yes" to any of these, and his/her business is not home-computer based, either there is a pornography issue, or a cheating spouse, or both. The best way to know for sure is to install spyware on his/her computer. Never let him/her know that you did this. You may rather find a friend who is computer tech savvy, and have them go through the past history (unless you know how to yourself) and pull up every site that has been looked at. This may be difficult if the computer has had high security put on, and you do not know the passwords.

You may have to take your computer "in to be fixed" so that you are "forced to use his/her's" and ask for a password very casually. If they are very uncomfortable with this, assure him/her that you will "only be a moment." Do some banking, then plan to get in to it later when you are alone with the computer. This will be tricky as he/she will seldom be away from it.

It will be hard to catch if he/she uses "private browsing" or other "anonymizers."

If he/she waits until you are in bed, you may need to fake being asleep and then sneak up on him/her. You may have other ideas for "catching" him/her. Be sure to get hard evidence and put it away where it cannot be destroyed, such as a safe deposit box at the bank. It will come in handy later when he/she tries to blame things on you.

An open and honest relationship has no secrets from each other. There would be no reason why both partners wouldn't have complete transparency into each other's personal email and financial accounts. It would be completely within your right to ask that both write down all passwords to all accounts of every kind. It is necessary in case one spouse dies suddenly anyway. Only a guilty spouse would have a problem with this request (unless it's close to your birthday and he/she is planning a surprise party).

Read my other blogs to see if there are more signs of a cheating spouse as well. Do not reveal yourself to this spouse until you have read through the upcoming posts on safe confrontation. Please feel free to ask questions.

ME WITH MY NUMBER TEN GRANDCHILD