Divorcees and widowers: are you ready to date again?
By Laurie Smith
Choosing to date after a long-term marriage has ended* in divorce or a spouse has passed away, is a deeply personal decision. Some choose to remain single for the rest of their lives. While others want to jump back into the dating pool quickly because they're lonely. Dating the second time around is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, persistence, and a willingness to face rejection.
If you think you're ready to jump back into the dating scene, let me ask you just one question: do you even jump anymore? I mean, seriously, most of us at this stage in life (50+) don't do a whole lot of jumping in our day-to-day lives. Are you ready to risk hurting your knees or that bad hip of yours? What about your heart? Are you ready to risk having your heart broken again?
Those of us who have had a long-term marriage end, have already experienced a broken heart. For some, our hearts weren't only broken, but were ripped out of our chests and trampled on. Are you emotionally and mentally prepared to experience the wild roller coaster of dating?
If you think you're ready to jump back into the dating scene, let me ask you just one question: do you even jump anymore? I mean, seriously, most of us at this stage in life (50+) don't do a whole lot of jumping in our day-to-day lives. Are you ready to risk hurting your knees or that bad hip of yours? What about your heart? Are you ready to risk having your heart broken again?
Those of us who have had a long-term marriage end, have already experienced a broken heart. For some, our hearts weren't only broken, but were ripped out of our chests and trampled on. Are you emotionally and mentally prepared to experience the wild roller coaster of dating?
Time does not heal all wounds. So rather than giving a time frame for when you're ready to get back into the dating scene, here is an emotional frame that may help:
1. If you are still angry, hurt, or crying yourself to sleep at night, you are not ready to start dating.
Feelings of anger, grief, and shock are signposts that let you know your heart/mind/body are still trying to process what has happened to you. Seeking professional help is a good idea. No one should be in a new relationship when they haven't been able to heal and move forward from the previous one.
Feelings of anger, grief, and shock are signposts that let you know your heart/mind/body are still trying to process what has happened to you. Seeking professional help is a good idea. No one should be in a new relationship when they haven't been able to heal and move forward from the previous one.
2. If you still need to share your grievance/grieving story with everyone you meet, you're not ready to start dating.
That chapter of your life should definitely be shared with a potential partner at sometime during the relationship, but certainly not on a first date. We want to bond with someone because of who we are right now and where we are headed--not because of our past. Bonding with a potential partner over the fact that both of you were cheated on by your former spouses, or both of you lost your former spouses to cancer, is not a legitimate reason to feel "you were meant for each other."
That chapter of your life should definitely be shared with a potential partner at sometime during the relationship, but certainly not on a first date. We want to bond with someone because of who we are right now and where we are headed--not because of our past. Bonding with a potential partner over the fact that both of you were cheated on by your former spouses, or both of you lost your former spouses to cancer, is not a legitimate reason to feel "you were meant for each other."
3. If you believe having a new partner will heal the heartache you're experiencing, or believe a new partner will ease your financial problems, or hope a new partner will help your devastated family become whole again, you are wrong. You should not be dating yet.
It is unfair of you to place the burden of your happiness and healing on the shoulders of someone else. Solve these situations first in your own life, before bringing someone else into the picture.
It is unfair of you to place the burden of your happiness and healing on the shoulders of someone else. Solve these situations first in your own life, before bringing someone else into the picture.
4. If you compare everything about a potential partner to your former partner, you are not ready to start dating.
People need to be measured and appreciated on their own merits, not chosen because they are the total opposite of your former spouse (in the case of divorce) or because they remind you of your former spouse (in the case of widowhood.) For example, let's say a divorced woman's former spouse was a porn and sex addict, if her dating radar is only looking for a man who hates porn, then she might gloss over other negative attributes that could also be harmful in a marriage. Another example would be a widower whose first wife happened to be the world's best cook. If he judges all women on their culinary skills alone, he could be missing out on the love of his life!
5. If you are expecting a new partner to simply slip into your life, your lifestyle, your home/family/community etc., you are not ready to be in a relationship.
A new marriage deserves a fresh start. No new spouse wants to be a "replacement" for your former spouse. If you aren't willing to buy a new home together, if you aren't willing to participate in new activities, go to new vacation spots, make new friends, include their family with your family, you are not ready for a new marriage.
A new marriage deserves a fresh start. No new spouse wants to be a "replacement" for your former spouse. If you aren't willing to buy a new home together, if you aren't willing to participate in new activities, go to new vacation spots, make new friends, include their family with your family, you are not ready for a new marriage.
*A marriage ends the day the Judge signs the Divorce Decree, or your spouse is dead. Some may think that's an obvious statement to make, unfortunately it has to be said because there are many LDS spouses who rationalize when their marriage is "over." They wrongly rationalize it's OK to start looking for someone new because they're separated and/or have filed for divorce or their spouse is terminally ill. Wrong! You are still married! If the decree of divorce hasn't been signed or your spouse still has a pulse, you are still legally, lawfully married, and should not be looking for a new partner.
