13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY

Did you bring behaviors from your childhood into your adult relationship that may be driving your partner away? Are you dumbfounded as to why relationships are not lasting, and seem full of conflict? Does your partner seem distant, frustrated, or cries a lot? Are they spending more time with friends or family than you? Does it seem that they are not sharing their inner most thoughts with you anymore? Have they lost interest in having intimacy with you?

Often predatory types feel like they manipulated and "caught" their partner, tricking them into marrying them, and now their partner was "stuck" with them no matter what. They may have felt like a marriage license was an ownership certificate over their spouse. Modern relationships seem to be ending more often than ever in the history of the world. It is my opinion that this phenomenon is not because people are getting worse to live with, although many may feel this is the case. With laws being passed to make exiting a marriage easier, I believe fewer are putting up with bad behavior which we were forced to endure in the past. I believe our culture has placed more emphasis on fulfilling relationships than was expected in the past, for what ever reason.

We marry because we believe it will be a fulfilling, happy, romantic experience. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long before we realize that these expectations were too high, and "surviving" each other seemed to become more the norm. Unfortunately again, we are not always taught at home proper behaviors for marriage. We are naive in thinking that our spouse will take over spoiling us like our parents did, we will continue to be the center of their life, the most important person in the relationship. "After all, Mom thinks I'm perfect."

We all go through a learning curve as newlyweds. There are stages of marriage maturity. When both are trying to make it work, and are focussed on the happiness of the other, most often things can eventually grow into a comfortable, companionable relationship where trust exists, and mutual respect grows.

On occasion, one or both struggle with the change. We may prefer to have high expectations that may or may not be reasonable. We may like to believe that the only way things can be done are the way it was when WE were growing up, at OUR house, or how we have it envisioned in OUR head. Maybe we liked the idea of living together, but not of having to be responsible. That four-letter-word WORK. It's terrifying to a person who has not learned how to.

Luckily, for the most part, we can resolve problems and figure things out over time. Let's discuss those "on occasion" folks who get stuck in behaviors that, if they are not careful, will eventually drive their partner away.

13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY:

1. Expect them to drop all relationships other than yours. Whine, act jealous, and complain every time they do something with their friends or relatives. Criticize their friends and family, try to drive a wedge between them so you can have them all to yourself. Not that you are planning to let go of your relationships, just expect them to let go of theirs. 
2. Only tell them the truth when it serves you. Only tell them what you want them to hear. Keep them in the dark, exaggerate every situation, make up stories to explain away their concerns. Lose their trust in every aspect of your relationship. 
3. Put other things above your relationship. Put your relationship on your priority list below your interests in sports, work, other friends, your mother, and your fame. Make sure they feel less important to you than your mangy mutt dog. 
4. Treat them like you are their parent. Make all decisions without discussing it together. Tell them what they can or can't do. Make them feel like you are the only one who can, and is smart enough to make the decisions in the family. 
5. Break all of your promises. Don't be where you say you are going to be. Don't call when you promise to call. Don't be there for your kids events even when you pinky promised. Don't take her on that special vacation you promised after she put you through college. Use the words "I promise" only as a way to get what you want, without really planning to follow through. 
6. Speak negatively about them to others. Make sure that everywhere you go you convince everyone that your partner is flawed. Make them hate her/him. Draw sympathy from everyone as you paint yourself as a victim. 
7. Play games with them. Be passive aggressive with them. Manipulate them without their knowing. Do "crazy-making," "gas-lighting" techniques to keep them off balance. 
8. Ignore them when they are talking to you. Keep thinking about other things while they pour out their hearts to you. Act like their life and their day is not important. 
9. Make everything only about you. Be the center of the universe. Make sure that you and your partner are putting you first in every decision. Your happiness is all that matters. Theirs is inconsequential. 
10. Be unfaithful to them. The best way to make a partner lose their love for you is to betray them intimately. Let them believe their love is just not good enough. Make them believe their body is not enough. Let them know how little you regard them by getting sexual with someone else. Even if it's just pictures online. 
11. Always be negative with them. Never compliment their accomplishments, talents, or work. Only point out the things you can find that are not perfect. Or put a negative slant on everything. Be a "glass-half-empty" type of person. Drain all the sunshine out of everyone around you. Be critical and demanding. Find fault at every turn. Peck them to death. Push their buttons and keep them upset all the time. It makes you feel powerful.  
12. When doing something for them, do a poor job. Pretty soon they will stop asking you to help them if they believe you are completely incompetent. Never offer to help around the house, you wouldn't want them to have expectations of your contributing anything, ever, now would you? They should be able to do EVERYTHING by themselves. 
13. Sabotage their efforts. After all, if they are successful at something, they might look more important or talented than you. Or they might get a big head and think they can make it on their own without you. Make them feel frustrated any time they try to achieve. Soon they will learn their place as a nobody. 

If it is your goal to rid yourself of your relationship(s), and you are exhibiting these behaviors, you are on the right track. But, if you hope to keep your spouse/friends/family, your relationships could be in danger of terminating. If you are doing many or all of these, you probably don't deserve to be in a healthy relationship, unless you get help and change. You most likely will end up being single, time after time after time. You might consider raising skunks as a profession, or another isolating career, until you learn some people skills, and have a change of heart. 

Meanwhile, your struggling and confused spouse will read every book on marriage, go to relationship classes, google tips on healthy marriages. The truth is, there is nothing they can do to change you. And, there is NO behavior on their part that makes any difference. You will continue to be a jerk regardless of whether they submit and are passive, or aggressively try to bring your actions to your attention. Yet you will continue to blame them for every contentious moment, knowing full well you set them up, and pushed their buttons to get a reaction and enjoyed every minute of the power you exerted over them by making them react.

Why do people act like this? How do these behaviors become part of someone's personality? Many reasons. Maybe you were an only child, an eldest son, a first born....who was worshipped by your parents and spoiled. You grew up believing that this worship is what you deserved from everyone. Maybe you were abused as a child. Maybe you were neglected, your needs were not met as an infant/child, and you made up your mind to watch out for yourself...."dog eat dog" sort of thing.

Maybe you were over weight growing up, or short, or some other thing that drew negative attention at school. "I'll show them when I grow up." Whatever happened, however you got to this place, the decision to be mean and nasty was made by you. Which means you can "undecide" to be mean and nasty. Your partner cannot make this decision for you. Neither can a professional therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Nor your mother.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that because something like this happened to you, it's okay for you to behave badly. Many abuse or spoil victims have chosen to be nice people. No behavior towards you is an excuse to be a nasty person. 

To be blunt, these traits are those of a very selfish person. It's no surprise that the number one cause of divorce is selfishness which reveals itself through different faces. Addiction, infidelity, abuse, financial concealment, etc. It means that YOU need help. Not your spouse. They are the victims. No, they do not need to take "obedience lessons" in order to save your marriage. They do not need to be perfect. They do not need to walk on egg-shells when you are around. The only chance your marriage has is for YOU to change your behavior. Kick yourself in the butt and admit you are at fault. Do what it takes to get over yourself. It's time to GROW UP! 

Unfortunately, selfish people don't usually recognize that they are at fault, and therefore refuse to try to get help or change. It is possible, but they "gotta wanna." Unselfish people will read this list and not recognize themselves. "I know someone who needs this." They have to decide their relationship is worth saving, and be willing to do whatever it takes. That means putting their own needs and wants on the back burner, and putting their partner's first. Yes, making their partner happy before themselves. It has been done. And if you can't do it, no other relationship will survive you either. No person deserves this treatment, and eventually they will need to run or be destroyed by you as well.

And nothing I say here will convince a broken soul to change. But it may open the eyes of their victims, and give their frustrations validation. It may help them give themselves permission to find solutions to their situation of being in a toxic, dead-end relationship. Is there hope? Yes, a three percent chance of change. Can a victim change bad behaviors in a partner? You have a zero percent chance of successfully changing your partner. Like I said before, they have to change themselves.

So, a note to those who act according to this list. You may fool a lot of people, for a while. Eventually your number will come up, and you will find yourself completely alone in this world. You will run out of people to make feel bad about themselves, ruin their hopes, and continually make cry. If you take pleasure in these kinds of results, then you will have to face the consequences of where selfish people end up. Like Scrooge's vision of his own funeral where no one came to mourn his loss.

I know many such people who have been cut off from even their own children, and in their old age, no one will take care of them. They refuse to put up with their cloud of ugliness that a toxic person will bring to a home. So, decide if the fun you have in playing games with those in your social and intimate circle of relationships is worth the price in the end. Living your life, alone.

Or, with the help of the atonement, one can always ask for forgiveness, soften one's heart, and repent of these relationship repelling behaviors. Then, and only then, will it be possible to enjoy lasting, deep and rich relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to one's life. Believe it or not, it's even better and more satisfying than making people miserable. Really!

There is nothing better that a happy marriage, and nothing more miserable than an unhappy marriage. Which do you choose? Drive your partner away? Or make them want to stay? It's all up to you. 

By Lisa McDougle, CLC

Please join our community: LDS Divorce Survivors on Facebook (by friending "Lisa Doodle"). 

10 WAYS TO SUPPORT MEMBERS GOING THROUGH DIVORCE IN YOUR WARD FAMILY

The sad truth is that the divorce rate in the Church is rising each year. Though LDS divorce rates are lower than the rest of the world, we are experiencing a growing family crisis. Even sadder is the fact that once these members divorce, 80% of the men, and 40% of the women fall away from fellowship in the Gospel. And 95% of their kids go with them. That is a large loss to the Church, and an even bigger loss to those who left the safety and protection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ at the time when they need it the most.

Why are they leaving? Isn't it bad enough that their family fell apart? Why would they let their religious convictions stray? According to my studies by a survey taken between 2011 and 2015, 95% felt that they were no longer wanted in their "eternal family" oriented wards. The sisters felt that the other sisters feared they would become predatory towards their own husbands by becoming single. They did not feel that their needs were being met.

They complained that they felt like "the elephant in the room." They felt ostracized, alone, and shunned. It's true that the word "divorce" scares the average human. The toxicity of the experience would bring only the closest of friends to stay at their side. Others are too fearful. "What if they want to talk about it?" It's almost like others feel it's contagious. A deadly plague.

According to studies, few knew of the struggles that were taking place in the marriage, usually for a very long time. The reasons for divorce are varied, but heart breaking. Most assume they just didn't "kneel by their beds and pray together daily" or "go to the temple often" or "go on their Friday night dates." In fact, most have done these very things. According to my studies, here are the reasons for divorce in the LDS Community:

Satan is alive and well in targeting LDS families. It is hard to believe that folks who go to church every Sunday can suffer such terrible things in their families. But it is happening, all around us, unfortunately. Struggling families are hard to spot in the Mormon arena. Just because they look all put together when they come to church on Sunday does not mean that all was well at home.

With the rise of pornography addiction came personality disorders, other addictions, infidelity, and abuse. These behaviors usually were followed by plummeting financial priorities. Usually these families struggled through years of reading every book available, and going in and out of counselors and family therapists, and years of fasting and prayers before coming to the realization that it is time to get out for their own safety and sanity.

The worst thing that could happen to these victims after a long spell of trauma at home is to go to church and be judged, and treated differently than before, and gossiped about. It is almost as if we have a culture of "accepted trials." If you have a loved one die, you get a casserole. If you have a baby, another casserole shows up on your doorstep. If you have cancer, more casseroles. But if you have mental illness, have made mistakes, or go through divorce, no casserole for you. These are not acceptable trials.

A lot of the factors pointing to whether a family is able to "land on their feet" after divorce, and stay active in church has to do with who their support group is. According to the study, the social groups that were the most helpful during divorce:

1. FAMILY...............................................................................48.06%
2. FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF THEIR WARD........................24.81%
3. WARD LEADERSHIP.......................................................15.50%
4. HOME TEACHERS............................................................6.20%
5. WARD MEMBERSHIP.......................................................5.43%

So, what can we do as ward members to better support those going through divorce, or who have been in the past? Here are some ideas from my studies:

No one likes to be gossiped about, especially during a major life's trial

1. A listening ear. Often they have been silent for a very long time because we are taught not to complain about our spouse. The decision to split up is a hard one and they often need validation that they are making the right decision, and that they can get through it. 
2. Personal visits, lunch/dinner together, time spent together. It feels like everyone in their lives goes into hiding when they are going through divorce. Don't be that friend. Make an extra effort to give them support. 
3. Phone calls, texts, emails, check ups. "Hey, just wanted to check with you and make sure you are holding up ok. You are in our prayers! We are so sorry you are going through this." Just check in with them on occasion. Let them know you care. 
4. Don't gossip. Allow them their privacy without putting them up on public display with "the latest bit of juicy information." Many false stories will be circulated by sensationalists. Respect the family by not spreading rumors or passing along, or listening to gossip. 
5. Treat them like you used to. Don't be different around them. Don't be afraid of them. They are still the same people they were before, and are more vulnerable, and hurting more than ever. If you were their friend before, be that true friend now. If you went on outings with them before as couples, don't exclude them now. If you are their Visiting/Home Teacher, visit monthly, call regularly. 
6. Don't judge. There is no way you can know both sides of the story, and how they got to this unhappy place. And it really is not your business. Your job is to support them and love them, regardless of who is at fault. Don't take sides. It is a terrible trial for both. 
7. Give them a hug. Physical contact is very limited during this stage of their life, and an appropriate hug is very healing. Touch is powerful. Don't be afraid to embrace them. It will mean the world to them. 
8. Pray for them. They will need all the prayers they can get during the court battle, and afterwards, in starting their lives over again. 
9. If children are involved, volunteer to watch them during attorney meetings or court hearings. As Primary or YW/YM leaders, Home or Visiting Teachers, reach out and give them extra attention and love during this world shattering event in their lives. Let them know you are available anytime they need to talk. As a Priesthood holder, be available to give them blessings when needed. 
10. Pray to know exactly how each member could be best supported. Some want to be left alone. Others need someone to lean on. One member received flowers and a note from a friend and it meant the world that someone was thinking of her during her darkest time. Heavenly Father knows the needs of these suffering children best, so ask. 

In Matthew 13:3-8 the Savior taught a parable of the seeds. 
".....Behold a sower went forth to sow, and when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. 

And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up and chocked them; But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold."

Let us be members in a ward family of "good ground" where seeds can put down strong roots and survive trials within the safety of a ward family's tender embrace. It is so much easier to retain our members than to try to reclaim them once they have tasted the bitter cup, alone, on stony paths where they can be devoured by the world. The best place for recovering from broken families is inside of Christ's Church. Let's never be responsible for being thoughtless, unkind, or fearful of our fellow Brothers and Sisters in this unhappy trial of divorce. 


Remember, "it takes two"........to keep a family together. And a loving ward to keep them safe within the bounds of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God bless you in your efforts to love one another as HE has loved us.

By Lisa McDougle, CLC

Lisa McDougle, CLC, is a public speaker and would love to come to your fireside, conference, retreat and share what she has learned about the world of being single in a church of "Families are Forever" Saints. Contact her at lisa@mcdougleclan.com.

If you are divorced, please join her LDS Divorce Survivors community on Facebook by friending "Lisa Doodle." It is strictly a support group, and is not intended for being a dating site. Come rejoice in the Gospel of Jesus Christ with like Saints. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

13 HELPFUL HINTS TO DATING AGAIN, AFTER AN LDS DIVORCE

DATING........ AGAIN.........

I used to have nightmares about being single again, being set up on blind-dates, and the awkwardness of first-dates. I knew that someday it would be my life, but I did not look forward to it. When it happened, it was better, and worse than I had even imagined.

I kept a journal of all my dates, what I had learned about the person that I appreciated, and didn't appreciate. What mistakes I may have made, and what I did right. It was invaluable to by dating education. I had dated a lot as a youth, I must admit, but looking back, I did not enjoy it much. I made a lot of mistakes. I felt every bloke deserved a chance. Not true. So I dated a lot of wrong guys.

I had no idea what I was getting into being in my fifties and back in the dating scene again. I just knew that I wanted that most sacred of human relationships before I died. I wanted to know what it felt like to be truly loved. I wanted someone who was secure in who he was, and who was not threatened by my success, who cherished me for who I am. I was going to do it right this time. Now, looking back, having successfully found exactly what I needed and wanted, here is what I would advise my fellow travelers through the same valley of single-hood.

1) Stay true to who you are: 
It is tempting to change our persona to try to blend with someone we are dating. Don't do it. Don't lower your standards, or pretend to be more or less than you are. Be yourself. You don't want to have to pretend to be someone else for a marriage. I know of a situation like that where the woman pretended to be this sweet and happy female, when she was quite the opposite, but couldn't keep it up for long after marriage. It's best that you both know exactly who you are. And love you regardless, and because of it.

2) Have a list:
You should have an idea of what you are looking for. It may seem silly to write down a list, but there is something magic about putting it down on paper. It also helps you to formulate in your mind exactly what it is that you are looking for. When you find yourself in a relationship, your list will help you recognize if you are settling, or getting exactly what you want. Pray for guidance, and pray to be introduced to this person. Enlist the powers of heaven to your aid.

3) Recognize the red flags:
If you are dating someone who has personality disorders, is abusive, or otherwise just not right for you, the signs will be there. Do NOT disregard them. Your gut instincts are always right, and are better indicators than your brain or heart. If there are red-flags, get out, now. (Read blog on red-flags)

4) Have fun:
Single people always dream of being married, and married people dream of being single again. Enjoy this time of independence. Make friends. Be active. Go out and have a good time. Invite friends to your place.

5) Don't get physical too soon:
Don't be afraid to build a friendship first, take it slow when it comes to new relationships. The fastest way to scare a woman off is to start getting physical too fast. First build trust, realize that these women are often coming from a place of shattered dreams. Don't give them the message that you only want one thing in this relationship. Women, the second time around, are going to be wiser to shallow relationships. Take the time to get to know them, and them you. Prove you can be trusted with their heart. Make sure she/he is marriage material before you become "blinded by love" by getting physical too fast.  Be friends first. Spend a lot of time together. If he/she is not making time for you, that is a sign. If he/she is interested in you, he/she will do back-flips to make it happen. If not, he/she will have many excuses. If he/she cannot make time for you while dating, he/she will not make time after marriage either. Give a relationship time. Lots of time.

6) Act your age:
The last time you were single, you were most likely a teenager. Your last frame of reference to single-hood is high school. It is a common mistake for newly singled mature adults to revert back to their teen-hood in their social relationships. Do not go back to your high school behavior and immaturity and dating practices. You are an adult now, act like it.

7) If it's work, keep looking:
If your time together is exhausting, full of drama, causes confusion and hurt, move on. Period. If you are constantly trying to figure out what is going on, there is a constant lack of communication, contention at everything you say, this is not a fit, and there may be some passive aggressive behaviors at play.

8) Don't bring them home to the kids until you find one you are serious about, then test them with the kids:
How they interact with your kids is an important factor. Kids are good "fake detectors" most of the time and can help you recognize phonies. If your kids are just not going to like anyone you bring home because they harbor hope you will reunite with their parent, do not let that deter you from dating and moving forward. Kids can be basically selfish, parenting alone is a hard business. They have no right to insist you carry the burden alone without support and protection. If they aren't thinking about what is best for you, you need to. When you stand up for yourself, they will respect you more.

9) Set boundaries:
Every new relationship needs to have rules to go by. Having boundaries shows each of you that the other can abide by them. A red flag is someone who will cross the line just because they can, and not respect your personal protections. "I need to be home every night by 10 so I'm not exhausted for work the next morning." "My Sundays are spent with my family." "No inappropriate physical intimacy until after marriage." Or what ever you need to establish. Respecting boundaries is a positive character indicator, and a green light in a relationship.

10) Communication on important expectations and issues:
At some point of your relationship, discussion needs to take place on what each of you expect from a spouse. Do you want to have more children? Do you want her to stay home and take care of the kids? Do you need help with the finances because you have to give half your pay to an ex? Do you like help around the house? Who irons his shirts? How is the money spent? How many times will you want to attend the temple each month? Is Friday night set apart for date night? How often do you want to visit the parents? The more you talk about and understand before marriage, the fewer contentions you will have after.

11) Only date those you think you could marry in the end:
Do not do mercy dating, just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. It hurts their feelings more to be led on further before breaking it off. You can be kind, but firm. "No, I don't think of you that way, but thank you for asking. I'm flattered." Our guts and first impressions are always right. Don't give your head and heart time to twist the facts and convince you otherwise.

12) Remember that having the right partner is worth the effort:
Studies have shown that the happiest people on earth are those that are happily married. Don't give up and rob yourself of this life's most wonderful status of the human experience. Romantic love, mutual respect, being cherished by someone you love is the highest form of humanness. Be patient, don't settle, hold out for that right person for you. And when you find them, enjoy the happiness that is sure to follow. Don't give up!

13) REMEMBER.....NO MAN (WOMAN) IS BETTER THAN THE WRONG MAN (WOMAN). It's better to be alone than miserably married. Good luck, and God Bless you in your efforts. 

By Lisa McDougle

THE 6 GREEN LIGHTS OF DATING RELATIONSHIPS

 THE 6 GREEN lights      OF dating
RELATIONSHIPs
HOW DO I KNOW IF HE/SHE IS RIGHT FOR ME?

After covering the "Red Flags of Toxic Relationships" topic in one of my previous posts, many voiced their concerns that it is too dangerous to date at all. Sometimes it is hard to believe that there really are good people out there, and probably even a match for you. Not every possible choice is extreme, dangerous, or toxic.....believe it or not, some people are actually "normal." What I am trying to help establish here is that just because you find someone "normal" does not automatically mean they are the right fit for you. We now know the red flags of dangerous potentials, so it's time to sift through the rationally functioning potentials to find a match for your personality. Now we will talk about how to find someone who is a fit,... how to know, how to find out, and how to proceed with caution.

The thought of being lonely for the rest of our lives is not our favorite option. Life is just better with someone by our side. Someone wonderful. A scary proposition, but worth the effort. 

A quick and short list of positive and negative indicators for relationships. You've met someone. They: 

1. They apologize and take responsibility for a mistake, or misunderstanding. One point for them. 
2. By being with them you feel inspired to reach for your dreams and be your best self. Another point for them. 
3. He/she is who he/she is....no games, no pretenses, not afraid for you to see their weakness and vulnerabilities. They are genuine, they can be trusted, what comes out of their mouth is what they honestly mean. Another point. 
4. When you share your heart breaks, they give honest sympathy, and show the right emotions in empathizing. He/she offers you their shoulder to cry on and gives you the proper "how terrible, I am so sorry you had to go through that, you must be so strong...." it's looking good so far. Point. 
5. Everyone has needs. The need to feel protected, secure, admired, listened to, even snuggled on occasion. Does he/she fill your needs? Point. Or do they make you feel ashamed for having needs? Minus point. 
6. Do you feel emotionally healthy when they are around? Validated? Appreciated? Then they are a emotionally healthy person themselves. Insecure people want you to feel less than you are. If you are wondering if you are crazy when they are around, minus a point. Wrong person for you. 

FIRST, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Are you coming from a failed relationship? You may believe that you got what you deserved, and that only "lucky" and "worthy of love" people find healthy relationships. The first thing you would need to do is believe that true love can happen for you. You want and need to go into this dating scene with confidence. Otherwise, "broken" people will be attracted to you. Toxic people fear confident, self assured, healthy boundary type people. Start out by being your own best friend, and by setting your sights higher this time. Decide that you do indeed deserve a happy, loving, deeply connecting, and healthy relationship. 

• BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
• BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
• BELIEVE IN FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER
• BELIEVE THE RELATIONSHIP CAN LAST

  Try to see yourself as your Father in Heaven sees you. Try to imagine the wonderful blessings He wants to pour down upon you. Remember that "men (and women) are that they might have joy." God's main purpose for our existence was to be joyful. Miserable relationships can keep that from being a possibility. We must have the right attitude going into dating. Settling cannot not an option. Unless you are determined to have a better situation next time, you will go right back into the exact problems of the past. You will pick the same broken person because that is what you think you deserve. 

EXCUSES FOR SETTLING

• This might be the only chance I get
• Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to drive me nuts to some degree
• I don't deserve to have any better anyway
• Why would someone better want me?
• Used to this kind of treatment from childhood
• I'm sure I could grow to love them
• I'm sure I can fix them, change them into what I want them to be
• They are rich and can take care of me
• They need me to take care of them

I know of a couple who met and married pretty quickly. Sheila thought that Henry was wealthy, and wanted him to believe that she lived comfortably in that world as well, and put on her fanciest outfits and drove her expensive looking, used car. Henry believed that Sheila was wealthy and put on his best show as well. Both were pretty broke. As soon as they came to realize they had both married for money neither of them had, the marriage broke up. 

THE DATING SCENE

Now that we have established that you are going to get out there and find the best companion for you, where do you begin? How can you know who they really are? FaceBook stalk them? Hire a detective?

On a personal note, I remember a date where this exploration was taken to an extreme. I was 20 years old going out with a returned missionary who was obviously wife-hunting. I'd heard he was "quirky" but had given him lots of leeway since he was tall-dark-and-handsome..... His name was Russell. First he let me know he'd be coming over early. When he arrived I was sure he was the one for me. He was very attractive, and charming. And attractive. 

Our first stop was the grocery store. Being the eldest of eight kids, I was very familiar with this place, but it was not on the top of my list of romantic dating locations. He led me to the produce section, and started giving me orders to locate certain items on his list. "Pick out a ripe watermelon." I learned how to thump watermelons and listen for the resonance which was supposed to sound like the same sound as thumping my chest. If it is too high, it is not ripe. If it is a low sound, it is over-ripe. Or you could look at the spot where it was plucked and see if it is yellow or white. It's less embarrassing then thumping. 

I pointed to one that looked seedless. He seemed satisfied, which was weird. "Tomatoes?" I looked at him. "Is it that you don't know how to pick tomatoes?" "No, I am very good at picking tomatoes, I just want to see if YOU are good at picking tomatoes." I locked eyes with him. Was this a test? Was he really "check-listing" me? 

We gathered the groceries and drove to the next "test." It was a park. He stopped and stared at the empty playground and then drove off. We stopped across town to the next park and when he noticed it was empty, he drove away again. Our last attempted park had children playing on it. He parked and opened the door for me. We walked over to the playground and he sat down on the picnic table. "Go play with those children." 

It felt like a command, and although irritated, I went along with his game. Any minute now he was going to redeem himself and do something very sweet directed toward me.  I knew about playing with children, I was the eldest child of eight after all. Eventually I became the shark (a game I played often with my younger siblings) and the children ran onto and around the "ship" (playground equipment) for safety. The five kids squealed with delight and Mr. Tester seemed satisfied. Of course, this was in the "old-days" before "stranger danger" was as necessary as it is today. 

"So.....when do we actually start the date?" I thought it was a fair question. "Soon." We drove to his house. Now he wanted me to cook the meal. Most of the dates I'd been on, the guy was trying to impress me, I'd never been on one where I was expected to impress him. I must have impressed him at some point or he would not have asked me out? Right? So I reminded him that he was the one taking me on this date, and that I was expecting him to be the gentleman. He stepped into chef role and fixed the meal, while displaying an attitude of disapproval, and I helped with a fruit salad. He acted disappointed in me. I wasn't passing this test. And the effect on me? I no longer was interested in "qualifying" to be his wife, and wondered how soon I could get home. 

The rest of the night was a series of more such tests....."massage my back"...."can you make a fire?"....and watching to see if I can eat salad and spagetti neatly. I wasn't sure if I was more offended that the material he was using was so shallow, or that he was insulting me by testing me in the first place. Can I pick a watermelon? 

We sat down to eat and he mentioned that he always likes to take women to Italian restaurants to see if they can eat spaghetti neatly. I brushed aside my modeling school/formal eating training and took hold of the end. I slurped the noodle until my face was covered with sauce. Then I took a big chunk of green salad and shoved it in my mouth. Now the red mouth was also decorated with white ranch dressing. He looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Maybe next time I shouldn't tell the gal when she is being tested?" Ya think? Can I eat spaghetti without getting sauce on my face? Really? That is a good relationship indicator? That will tell him if we will have a sound marriage relationship? Should I have brought my resume? 

There were no attempts at deep conversations, or any at all for that matter. No discussion of our dreams for the future, how many kids we wanted to have, where we stood in the Gospel, politics, nothing. Just spaghetti sauce and watermelons. "Quirky" was right. 

He surprised me the next morning by showing up to watch me teach my class of three-year-olds in Church, to see if I passed the test of "Church Callings" or "mothering" skills, I guess. So I did what any self-respecting person would do, I gave him a large picture of a tree that was part of a flannel board story, and asked him to cut it out for me while he was sitting there. I asked him to be careful going around all the leaves since I wanted to use this same tree in future classes. It was the size of four legal sized pages. It took all of the whole class time. He was not amused and I never saw him again. 

Needless to say, there are ways to figure out if someone is compatible with you without putting them through a tacky date test. Unfortunately, in any business relationship, a person would be expected to provide a resume, and often a criminal back-ground check, and drug testing. If there is ever a time when such information would be important, it would be in dating. Although a person can make themselves sound very impressive on paper. SO what is the trick to getting to know someone really well to know who they really are? 

TIME TELLS ALL 

The best test to know compatibility is the test of time. Time does indeed reveal all, if you know what you are looking for. But, there is no short-cut, learn-all-in-one-date trick. It will take the investment of your time and efforts. 

The biggest problem in discovering who the other person is in this dating scheme is that we tend to judge others by who we are ourselves. If we witness what would be considered a "red-flag" a good person tends to overlook it by giving them the benefit of the doubt "I'm sure it was an isolated incident." Given the proper tools, one can learn how to recognize the phony from the real thing. If we tend to be a fibber ourselves, we see everyone as fibbers. If we are honest people, we tend to believe anything anyone says, assuming they are also honest. 

"Time reveals patterns, provides the opportunities to observe the person in various situations and relationship contexts, and allows you to safely move deeper in open communication and transparency." 

How to Avoid Marrying A Jerk,  John Van Epp, Phd. 

The problem with the romantic notion of "love at first sight" is that they believe they have a right to skip the process of getting to know the other person because of their instant attraction. It does not. One must still do the work of learning all one can about the other person. How similar are you in opinions? How similar are your values? Do your differences blend or clash?  

  The CRUCIAL TEST OF      “COMPLEMENTARY”    

The better question to ask ourselves when dating is whether someone is compatible with us. Do we have anything in common? Could we get along? Do we know how to speak their love language? The best relationship is a complementary relationship. As an artist, we learn that complementary colors on a palette make each color look better by comparison. They do not fade, hide, or distort, they make the color pop where by themselves they may not be as vivid. Your partner should do the same for you, and you for them. 

Your differences should be complementary and not opposing. The term "opposites attract" can be meaning complementary, or opposing. The difference is whether or not it puts you at odds with each other, or supports each other's strengths. How can we know the difference? 

Joe is a penny pincher, but Suzie loves to shop. Suzie believes that therapy comes from spending money. Is this complementary? Or do we see this as opposites causing future conflict? 

Margaret loves to be a free spirit, traveling and moves from job to job, town to town. Bob's mother died when he was young and had to take on the responsibility of raising his younger siblings. His being responsible made him attracted to the free life of Margaret, something he wished he could have experienced. At some point he will resent her inability to settle down and take a family seriously. 

Jose comes from a culture where women are expected to be obedient and keep their mouths shut when he plays around. She believes he is handsome, totally into her, and loves being treated like she's special. It won't be long when she wants to be treated like an equal, like she's used to in her country. 

City boy Brian loves Jan in her cowgirl boots, and long flowing hair. It seems romantic until he learns that he has to muck stalls and can't find a fancy restaurant in town. 

Marilyn is very health conscious while Tom is a junk-food-junky. Sue believes in natural methods of healing while Bob believes the medical doctor must be called for everything. Henry is a stalwart member of the church while Karen is angry at the church. Are we building into our marriages automatic discord? Or do they bring something to the table that we lack? Fill in some holes. There is a difference. And we have to be able to decide what matters most, and what doesn't. 

Sharon is shy while Brian is outgoing. At parties Brian makes sure to bring Sharon into the group and make her feel included, yet knows not to bring to much attention to her. She has more fun at the party then she would have alone. Patrick loves teaching youth, and Sandra loves administration. Together they create a private school for high schoolers where he teaches and she is the principal. 

In other words, the more you have in COMMON, the better chance you have of staying together: culture, background, ideas for raising families, hobbies, religion, politics, financial status. The things that you do not have in common, do they COMPLIMENT or CONFLICT? 

How can I know? Questions to ask yourself:

• Do you find that you become a better person by being with your partner than without?
• Do your partner’s strengths empower or devour you?
• Do you feel admired and appreciated for the ways that you are different from your partner?
• How are you and your partner different?
• How do your differences benefit you? Your partner?
• What things upset you about your partner? 
• Do you feel criticized or put down by your partner?
• What do you respect about your partner? Not respect?

ESSENTIAL SIMILARITIES 

•  PERSONALITY

•  VALUES

•  LIFESTYLE

   

DO YOU DISCIPLINE ALIKE? DO THEY BELIEVE IN GOD? HOW MUCH? WHAT ARE THEIR MORAL STANDARDS? HONESTY IN BUSINESS? DEMOCRATIC/REPUBLICAN/LIBERAL? HOARDER OR GENEROUS? SOCIAL? LOTS OF FRIENDS? ASSOCIATIONS WITH FAMILY? INDEPENDENT/ROAMING FREE? RESPONSIBLE? REBELLIOUS? DO THEY HATE BOUNDARIES? HOW ARE THEY ABOUT HOLIDAYS? ANNIVERSARIES? THEIR MOTHERS? ARE THEY HONEST ABOUT THE FINANCES? PENNY PINCHING? SPENDTHRIFTS? 

These are important questions to have answered, and they can only be answered by giving it time. You must be with them a lot, over a long period of time, in every situation and circumstance. You must see them when they are frustrated, confused, angry, happy, content, etc.









"What if they are often gone and are too busy for me? They don't call or text me very often."

If they are struggling with making time for you, then they are just not that in to you. I'm sorry. Hormones alone will make sure that heaven and earth change it's rotation before anything keeps them from someone they are attracted to. The power of attraction is great. If it's not happening, this is not a good sign.

When I was dating my second husband (before we were married) we could not be apart for any amount of time or it would just be painful. We could not think of anything else but when we'd be back together again. Nothing could get in the way of this happening. And we were in our fifties.

And although we had immediate attraction, we continued to date to make sure that the other elements were in place for a compatible relationship. Through time we came to realize that though there were a few differences, most of them were of little importance. The better we got to know each other, the more we realized we had in common.

The biggest problem comes when there is attraction. Love can be blinding.

“Scientists have found evidence to support the old adage that love is blind. Through brain-imaging studies, researchers at University College London found that ‘feelings of love lead to a suppression of activity in the areas of the brain controlling critical thought. It seems that once we get close to a person, the brain decides the need to assess their character and personality is reduced.’ Romantic love suppresses the neural activity associated with your ability to judge correctly a partner…..”

--- How To Avoid Falling in love with a Jerk

By John VanEpp, Phd.

How can we engage our brains while enlisting our hearts? Sometimes we must refer to our old list-making habits. Write it out. Put it on paper where our brains can take a look at it. Of course, the heart might jump in and cloud the issue, but if we are being honest with ourselves, we should be better able to tally the score.

Below is a handout I have compiled from some of the ideas I gleaned from the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk" by Dr. John Van Epp, Phd. (which I highly recommend you reading). The top part is a graph that you would use that works like a sound bar on your car radio. Only instead of bass it is the development of a certain aspect of your relationship.

So for instance, you are attracted to Peter. The next level over is knowledge. How much do you know about Peter? Is he a murderer? Is he gay? Is he broke? Is he awesome? Only time can tell. As you get to know him better you can move the curser from the bottom of the graph upward.

While you are getting to know Peter, you will begin to develop trust for each other. Or not. Does he call when he says he is going to call? Is there a lot of excuse making? When you are in a bind, do you feel like you can count on him to be there for you? Move the levers up on trust and rely.

Does he ever hint at commitment? If you hint at this terrifying word, does he bolt? Does he change the subject, or show interest in moving forward in this direction?

Is your physical contact moving up the same speed as the other levers? If attraction and touch move too fast, the others might fade out of sight altogether, so keep your head and remember that getting to know each other first is imperative. Sure, hold hands, kiss. But if all your time is spent in this, your relationship may be physical only to them. If you then withdraw, they may lose interest in you altogether, when your foundation is only physical. Physical attraction alone is not enough. Although, it is a very important aspect that one absolutely must have.

To help you use your brain in your dating relationships, here is a chart. Print one out for each of your interests and gage how they rate as you go.







As a relationship develops over time, gage yourselves on this graph and watch the patterns. Is it high enough in the trust and reliability? Is knowledge being established firmly? When the graph is low in places and high in others, this is not a good sign. If attraction is higher than trust, for instance, you may have a shallow relationship.

The next part of the chart shows the level of how complimentary you are to each other. How would you rate your religiousness, as an example. Are you plus 5 and he is minus 5? If so, you will have conflict every Sunday when you want to go to church, and keep the Sabbath Day holy, and he wants to go fishing, or watch football with the guys. If, on the other hand, you are an idea-person, and he is a make-things-happen-person, you will make great ideas happen together.

If one is an optimist at the 2 level, and the other is a realist at the -2 level, you will be optimistically realistic together. Inside the oval is the safe zone for being opposites. Outside of that is the conflict zone that should be avoided.

On the left side of the page you will see the "Pros and Cons" section. Here you can write out everything you know about the person, good and bad, and rate how important those traits are to you. Do the math. Sometimes seeing it will wake you up.

When I was thrown back into the dating world I found myself with two prospects. One was a prominent and semi-famous professor in the LDS world, the other was an everyday great guy. On a trip where option number one was on the same cruise, I found a list I had written during my divorce of what I wanted in my next partner. It was 78 items long.

It had things on it like:

• Knows how to treat a woman
• Was always a good father and husband (I didn't want a guy who was always neglectful of his family and just now deciding to do better, either he is or he isn't a devoted family man)
• Enjoys camping
• Had a cause of some sort
• Physically fit, takes care of himself
• Positive attitude
• Shows appreciation 

And so on. I found the list in my suitcase as I was settling in for the night. As I read through each point, I realized that my man back home was everything I had on the list, and the man I was chasing was none of them. From then on I focussed on the one that was a better match, in fact who I actually loved the most. I was thrilled to have my mind made up for me, and it was due to having written down on paper exactly what I was looking for. 

Do you know what you want? You have a better idea after all these years, and might make a better list than when we were in our twenties....."can eat spaghetti without getting any sauce on your face," "can pick out tomatoes at the grocery store." Or the most common mistake "looks like a movie-star." 

The graph on the right gages treatment for people on every level of his/her life. Are they kind to everyone? Or just you when he/she is out dating you? How do they treat past relationships? The waitress? Their relatives? Their mother or sisters? This is how they will end up treating you when the courting is over. Nice people are always nice people, sociopaths are nice to get what they want. 

The bottom part of the page gages conscience. A person without one may not emerge as heartless for a while when pouring on the charm. Does this person know how to apologize? Do they accept responsibility for their actions or pass it along to someone else? Is it always someone else's fault? Do they feel badly when doing something hurtful or wrong? The last person you want to get entangled with is someone without a conscience, believe me.

BELIEVE YOUR GUT

When dating, like anything else, your gut instinct is going to be your best guide. If something seems off, it probably is. If things appear to be one way, but it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. First impressions are often right on. It's when we start talking ourselves out of it that we get into trouble. 

YOUR PERSONAL DATING GUIDE

 And then remember the importance of being totally prayerful in your dating experience. Discuss every date with your creator. Your eyes will be opened much better when including your God on a more day-to-day, date-by-date basis. Allow the Spirit to direct you, then follow these promptings, and don't talk yourself out of them with your limited logic.                                                              

D&C 45:57 “For they are wise and have received the truth, and have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide, and have not been deceived…..”

THE HUNTING BEGINS

Now it is time to get out there and start looking. No, they will not show up at your doorstep. You must wade through many activities and dances, maybe even for years, before that "one" shows up. Go with the intention of making friends. 

Create for yourself a group of buddies that you will look forward to meeting at future events. Hold events at your house. Be active. Don't be afraid to move around to different areas, conferences, or dances. The more people you meet, the better chance you have of finding prospects. It is called "NETWORKING." 

When my younger brother found himself back in the dating arena, he went from Single's Ward Sacrament meeting to Single's Ward Sacrament meeting. He would attend three every Sunday. When he found a woman he was attracted to, he went and sat down by her. After church he asked her out. After that they were inseparable. They now have three children. 

In the church we have Single's dances (I know, I've been to them....sometimes scary, that's why you go with friends), Single's Conferences, and in some areas they have Single's Wards and Stakes, if you are lucky. Some have been successful with on-line dating. Just beware, not all LDS prospects on these dating sites are worthy members. 

If you type in "LDS Single's" on the search engine of FaceBook, many options will pop up. Find the ones in your area and join. Some have local activities and opportunities for you to meet people. These groups have hundreds of other folks in the same arena who are also looking for friends and companions. Join many. 

And the same for men. 

Until then, continue to make yourself into the partner you are looking for yourself. Work on healing from your past, developing new interests, and making friends. 

Many people have found true-love their second or third time around. It really is possible, and it is possible for YOU. If you can do your searching with your eyes wide open, using your brain and your heart, this level of happiness can happen for you. It is so worth the effort and the time. God bless you in this effort. 

Me and my blended family of wonderful kids and grandkids.