29 AT HOME BEHAVIOR/ TELL-TALE SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

Is your spouse acting differently lately? Are you struggling to "put your finger" on the cause? Do you have a feeling that something is just not right? Trust your instincts. A lot of times our subconscious minds pick up clues that our conscious minds do not. We explain away anything that is a warning sign, or red flag. We quickly "put our head in the sand" like an ostrich facing danger, and hope that if it is "out of sight, out of mind," it is therefore out of reality. Like those who recognize in themselves signs of cancer but avoid going to the doctor. In doing so they hope that if they ignore the symptoms, the cancer will go away or not exist in the first place. History has shown that the opposite is true. The more we ignore it, the worse it gets. Then one day the doctor announces that you have two weeks to live. Or in this case, your spouse runs off with someone else, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

Your gut is telling you that something is not right. Now ponder these questions and be honest with yourself. Is your spouse showing any of these signs?

1) Change of behavior (not related to depression)
2) Loss of interest in the family
3) Loss of interest in family activities
4) Not wanting to voice his/her view related to family
5) Suddenly becomes particular about his/her appearance
6) Becomes interested in working out (if not already), losing weight, buffing up, etc.
7) Puts extra time and expense into clothing
8) Change in attitude and treatment towards you
9) Shows sudden interest in music
10) Walks dog for extended amount of time
11) Suddenly attends more "Church Meetings" for ward/stake calling than usual
12) Finds reasons to stop wearing wedding ring
13) Makes decisions without discussing it with you
14) Criticizes your appearance
15) Criticizes your cooking/cleaning/efforts at home
16) Becomes impatient with you
17) Becomes impatient with the children
18) Picks fights out of trivial matters

19) Frequently just disappears
20) Tells you he/she is going one place and is gone for hours
21) Works late too frequently
22) Stops telling you of his/her activities like previously
23) Tends to be forgetful about important events
24) Disappearance during family outings/gatherings, claiming to be going back to work
25) Removes child seats/toys from his/her car
26) Tends to be forgetful on important issues
27) Prevents picking you up in his/her car
28) Shows extreme concern about where you are when he is out
29) Expects you to go to sleep first and he/she will "join you later"

When a spouse is cheating on you, they want to justify their behavior to themselves by finding fault in you. There is nothing you can do right during this period of time. It will be a temptation to believe their criticisms and believe that if you just try harder, things will get back to where they used to be. Instead you need to see the change in behavior as a clue to the bigger picture. If you have not changed, you have always been "this way," but it is suddenly unacceptable to them, then something is up.

Be aware of his/her behavior, and when they are critical, or try to start fights over trivial things, do not react. It is a game to keep you in their control, to keep you off balance, to smoke screen you. Just smile and change the subject, or walk away. They get a satisfaction out of hurting you, so do not give it to them.

An affair is such a euphoric situation that they lose all interest in anything else, kind of like a drug addiction. The children will suddenly be a nuisance, where they used to be a joy. The same goes for close friends and relationships. Even hobbies and interests will take a back seat. This euphoric relationship becomes an obsession that replaces all else. The "honeymoon" hormones are very strong and can chase reason from the smartest, wisest person.

The cheating spouse will want nothing but to be with that person, while trying to appear to the world to be living the normal life of the past. Husband/wife/children......going to church every Sunday, going to work......Meanwhile, they will be looking for excuses to be with that other person, while making up "meetings for church" or "trips to Home Depot for a drill" that takes 5 hours, or "going for a jog" for 3 hours.....

A cheating spouse will claim that the reason they are doing such and such "coming to bed after you are asleep" for instance, is for your own good. "I just don't want to keep you up with my snoring." You have to ask yourself, how long has he/she been snoring and did they care about "keeping you up" five, ten years ago? Why the sudden interest? Is their overall behavior pointing to their interest in your welfare? If your gut is telling you not to trust it, believe your gut.

Don't be surprised if he shows up with flowers after work. Or if she makes your favorite dinner. Guilt, combined with an effort to cover up is often the driving force. If he/she is distant most of the time, then critical, and occasionally extra sweet......these are the mood swings of an affair.

Act as if you believe them. Then check out their stories. If you have a friend you can involve, have them check out "Home Depot" and see if his car is in the parking lot, if he is indeed inside shopping. Call the Bishop and ask if the "High Priests" had a "meeting" or if the missionaries did "splits" as he claimed, and if he was actually present. Drive to the office if he claimed to be going there. Check out his stories. Even better, have someone follow him, discreetly of course. He would recognize your car, so it can't be you. You must be proactive in this, and not reactive. Don't close your eyes to the signs. It will be better for you to be prepared, and to know the truth.

I will be giving more signs in future posts, but do not jump to conclusions until you have read all the signs and symptoms. I will then give advice as to how to go about making your decision as to what to do about it. Meanwhile, keep your eyes and ears open, keep a journal of suspecting clues, open a checking account under only your name, add to it as often as possible, and be patient. Act "dumb" until you have more information, and have time to put together a plan of action. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Lisa McDougle engagement photo for second marriage

21 CELL PHONE TELL-TALE SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

 

IS YOUR SPOUSE SUDDENLY MORE PROTECTIVE OF HIS/HER PHONE CONVERSATIONS?

SOMETHING IS UP and you are wondering what. You feel that something is just not right. One clue is that your spouse is suddenly acting differently with his or her use of the cell phone? He/she is more protective of it's whereabouts, and he/she acts nervous or edgy when it goes off around you. Start keeping a journal of clues. Pay closer attention to his/her cell phone behaviors and ask yourself these questions:

1) He/she sleeps with the cell phone by his/her side.
2) He/she brings the cell phone into the bathroom and locks the door.
3) He/she has more than one SIM card.
4) He/she has more than one cell phone (one might be pre-paid, impossible to track)
5) Your calls to his/her cell phone are unanswered.
6) His/her cell phone is switched off whenever you call.
7) He/she tells you that you can call at another cell number.
8) His/her phone is equipped with multi-card/duo SIM card.
9) He deletes the SMS/MMS messages from his cell phone.
10) Intimate SMS/MMS messages in his/her cell phone that were not sent by you.
11) He/she clears the call list from cell phone.
12) His/her cell phone bill has restrictions that keep you from getting information on it. 
13) Whispering or speaking softly into the phone.
14) Hangs up the phone when you surprise him/her.
15) You answer the phone in his/her absence and the caller hangs up.
16) You answer the phone in his/her absence and the caller asks for someone else.
17) After a phone call he/she must run to a sudden activity (emergency). 
18) Background noise during calls does not sound like where he/she is supposed to be.
19) HIs/her secretary addresses you wrongly when you call him. 
20) Cell phone numbers on the family plan that aren't accounted for. 
21) He/she uses a different kind of cell phone from you. 

LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE YOUR SPOUSE'S PHONE

HOW CAN YOU KNOW FOR SURE? GET ACQUAINTED WITH HIS/HER PHONE

1. First acquaint yourself with his/her phone and how to navigate it. He/she probably has a different kind of phone from you for a reason. Learn how to check the text messages, emails, recent phone calls, and contacts.If a friend has the same kind, ask them. If not, you can learn how to anything online. Google it. 
2. Then you may test them by asking to borrow their cell phone and see their reaction. If they seem alarmed, or give excuses, this is a major sign. Say that you are thinking of getting the same kind of phone and wonder how easy it is to use. If he/she shows discomfort with this, go to step 3.
3. You will need to confiscate the cell phone when he/she is not looking. Take it to the "bathroom" with you. How do you get your hands on his/her phone?                                           

• While he/she is in the shower
• At night while he/she is asleep
• Any time he/she sets it down and get's distracted, 
• He/she is mowing the lawn, watching TV, scrounging through the refrigerator, etc. 

                                                                                                                                         YOU HAVE HIS/HER PHONE.....NOW WHAT???

1. You have hold of the phone, play music from your iPod or something for background sound. Put the phone on "silent" mode, then check the list of contacts. Are there any names that shouldn't be there, or that you are unfamiliar with? Write down their names and numbers. Or take pictures of it with your phone or camera. Then redial some of the recent calls, and see who answers and how. "Hello darling," etc. will be a very good sign. Remember that some of the names may be fictitious.....Bob Plummer might really be Monica Freelove. 
2. If his/her phone rings and he/she is not around, answer it but don't say anything and wait for the other person to speak first.  
3. Go through the list of contacts and call from a safe number, or have a friend call. Find out discreetly who they are and what their relationship is to your spouse. Listen for any signs of discomfort or scrambling for an explanation. "Hello, I was given your number as one who might have the contact info for (name of spouse). It's very important." Then listen. They will either act like they don't know who you are talking about, or be overly friendly about helping out, or will hang up. A non-guilty person will be careful about who you are and be protective of their friend or colleague. 
4. When all else fails, if you feel like something is not right, your instincts are usually right (unless you tend to be insecure and are a naturally jealous person). When he/she meets you next, act like you have just discovered the truth. Look angry. Say "I just found out about you and that woman/man!" They don't know what you know or don't know. Even if you haven't a clue, watch their reaction. If it is total panic, face drop, face turn white....you know you have him/her. Continue with the "how could you!" He/she will usually counter with "how did you find out," "who told you?" "It's not what you think" "I can explain...." and then "what are you going to do about it?" They will often confess at that point. If they look truly confused, then they probably are innocent. 

If this spouse is abusive then you should skip this step and just plain get out. Confrontation with an abusive spouse will be dangerous. Wait until you are ready. Future blogs will discuss abuse and how to get out safely, starting with post number six. 

DO NOT CONFRONT AN ABUSIVE SPOUSE

It is important that you don't act weird while you are sleuthing. Be natural and not overly friendly yourself. These are just a few cell phone hints. More signs of affairs to come.