THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF STARTING OVER AFTER AN LDS DIVORCE

                              STARTING OVER

So many years of your life you had the future all mapped out. You knew where you'd be next year, and the year after that, and ten years from now. You knew what home life would be like, who your friends would be, what your daily activities would look like. Divorce changed all of that. Suddenly you don't know who your friends are. You don't know what you are going to do tomorrow, how you are going to make ends meet financially, or how you will get past the pain of today and yesterday. 

Whatever it is that brought you to this point, you are here, right now, and not sure what to do or where to go from here. You may be sitting in your easy chair, staring like deers at a headlight at the television that is not even on, wondering what just happened to you. You don't remember ever feeling this much pain and confusion. You now can understand why people drink or do drugs. You would do anything to have this feeling removed from your chest.

It is not uncommon for post-divorce victims to experience some level of PTSD or anxiety as the dust settles around you. Wouldn't it be nice if someone came along and told you what to do? The usual things that were considered fun mean nothing to you. Your hobbies are sitting there collecting dust. The extra curricular activities in your life have come to a halt. Nothing is important anymore. Who cares about working out, painting, basketball when life has pulled the rug out from under you?

WHAT DO I DO FIRST? NOTHING

The first thing you do is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You need some time to process this. That feeling of numbness is your body's warning sign that if you don't hold still for a moment and let it heal a bit, you will be thrown into a full-blown depression. I always think of depression as the body's way of making you stop when you won't. Many feel that working through the pain is the best medicine. That comes later, but right at first, give in to your need for extra sleep and rest. When you are stressed, it takes a toll on your body. Both your mind and body need to recover from the trauma. 

• Be still. Meditate. Do Yoga. 
• Get a massage. Whatever you do, pamper yourself. 
• Do all the crying that you want.
•  Write in a journal all of your angry and bitter feelings so you don't have to take it out on others.
• Say "NO" to requests for your time.
• Listen to classical, soothing music.
• Burn nice smelling candles. 
• Read novels or self-help books
• Cling to the Gospel and your relationship with God, read scriptures, pray constantly
• Get plenty of sleep. It may be hard but use natural remedies to help. 
• Go to counseling. If you have symptoms of PTSD, find a specialist and start therapy. 

Treat yourself like you would your best friend who has just been through trauma. Be kind to yourself and remember, no one truly understands what you have been through unless they have been through it themselves. Lean on friends to help with the kids if needed. 

This stage might be one to three weeks, depending on you. Hopefully you have a boss that will give you some time off of work.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

• DRINK ALCOHOL
• WATCH STRESSFUL MOVIES OR THE NEWS
• TAKE PRESCRIPTION PILLS TO KNOCK YOU OUT
• ILLEGAL DRUGS 
• LISTEN TO LOUD MUSIC
• OVER EAT/STARVE YOURSELF
• TELL YOUR PROBLEMS TO YOUR KIDS
• MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR FUTURE
• GO INACTIVE BECAUSE OF HOW YOU ARE TREATED AT CHURCH
• JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP, NOT READY YET
• BECOME A WORK-A-HOLIC

I admit, I never was so tempted to drink before in my life until my divorce. I could totally understand why people drank away their sorrows. I wanted more than anything to take my pain away for even a moment. I wanted to forget, not feel, disappear into another place. I knew that I could not, but I no longer judged those who did so harshly. Pain brings understanding of other's pain.

The problem is that the more you do to take away the pain artificially, the longer it will take to heal. You have to plow through it, feel it all, process it. This may take months, even years. At some point each day you somewhat make sense of it, figure it out, and get an idea of how to survive. By the end of the day, you have decided that you will be okay. The only problem is that you start all over again the next morning. But believe it or not, each day the pain diminishes a bit. It may be a small bit, one that is hardly noticeable, but it does diminish just the same. Thus the saying; "Time heals all wounds."

One thing I did that I found was helpful was to write a letter to myself while I was in that place of peace. It sounds corny, but no one else could understand what I was going through and inevitably gave the wrong advice. They could not possibly understand what I was going through. I did not want to hear their judgements and quick resolves. The best advice came from me. I knew what I needed to hear, so I told it to myself.

"Dear Lisa, You have had trials before and have survived them. You KNOW you are made of tough stuff. You KNOW you can do hard things, you've done it before and you can do it again. You will land on your feet this time too. Be patient with yourself. God has not forgotten you but holds your hands still. It is okay to take time to grieve. Your future will be better because of the investment you are making in yourself right now. You will have to take a break from what other people think of you right now. "Forgive them for they know not what they do," or what they are talking about. It will all be forgotten tomorrow, and the truth always comes to light eventually. You are a winner, and will be doing things you'd never even dreamed of, thanks to the steps you are taking today. You are shedding your old skin, which process is painful. When you are done, you are going to be more beautiful, and stronger than you ever were before. Chin up! Let's go make our dreams come true!"

This was very helpful to me, believe it or not. Try it. Write yourself a letter as if you were your best friend. And you are. Each morning when you rise to the reality once again of what has happened in your life, read your letter to yourself. It will give you a head-start on your coming to grips. Each day this pain you face in the morning, and at night as you are trying to quiet your mind to sleep, will be less and less stress ridden. You are going through the motions right now in your life. You may be forcing a smile on your face, mechanically doing the same old things, making the world go around for your family, but you are learning that you can do it alone. You are learning that you are stronger than you thought you were. You may have been doing a lot of things at home alone already anyway.

Now you are ready to move to the next step of your come-back. So, the first thing you do is put yourself on "time-out." 

SECOND: EASE BACK INTO LIFE

Start slowly back into some of your normal activities. But only those that absolutely have to be done. You now have a better idea of what matters in your life, and what just clutters up your time. Ease back into work, church expectations, household duties, kids games, etc. The thing that are "HAVE TO'S." When you feel tired or over whelmed, slow down again. Take it slow. Drop those high expectations of yourself and what you used to be able to do. No guilt trips allowed. Baby steps.

• Take a couple of hours away to yourself each day
• Plan a lunch with a friend once a week
• Keep your schedule very basic
• Read, listen to motivational CD's on the subjects of forgiveness, personal improvement, divorce, communication, etc.  
• Listen to relaxing music
• Get plenty of sleep
• Keep your journal of your feelings and self discoveries
• Get counseling for yourself, and your children 
• Cling to the Gospel and your relationship to God
• Avoid ex-spouse, when possible. You need some time away from that relationship. 

WHAT NOT TO DO:

• Jump back into a heavy schedule
• Make important decisions about your future
• Make long term commitments
• Stop attending church due to hurt feelings
• Jump into another relationship, you are not ready
• Become a work-a-holic 
• Do not call, email, or communicate in any fashion with your ex-spouse. Use a go-between if a message needs to be given. 

When children are involved (which will be covered more in the next blog post), sometimes communication has to take place over visitation, etc. During this time, have someone else relay the messages. Remember, everything you put in writing may be turned into the judge later (if you have a vindictive ex-spouse, especially if they have any kind of mental health issues, or personality disorders. Never write in anger or frustration. It will paint you to be the problem in the marriage dissolution. Remember how the football player that gets decked on the field gets away with it? The player who got decked and retaliated is the one the referees catch and call the penalty on.  

THIRD: LOOK TO YOUR FUTURE

It's time to start thinking about your future. You've had time to process the past, which is a process that will continue for years, but is not where you want to stay. It's time to do an about face, and start looking forward instead of backwards. What things have to be done to secure your future? What foundation do you need to start laying for stability in your life? How to have a fresh start?

YOUR NEW YOU

Look in the mirror. What do you see? Is that face showing someone who is lost? Is it missing a smile? Do you remember that teenager of long ago? Do you remember when people used to call you by your first name? And made you feel important? And loved? Have you lost that person? Is he/she in there somewhere? Can he/she be found again? 

Now is a new beginning. A time to start paying attention to yourself and your needs. No one is going to do that for you. No one is going to make you slow down and take care of yourself. You are the one responsible for your well-being and health, physical, emotional, mental. Now is the time to figure out what you need to do to get yourself back into shape, get yourself looking your very best, and make a change. 

Time for a new look. Gals, try growing your hair out longer, or cutting it shorter. Maybe try a new color that is more vibrant and alive. A different style. Experiment. Try new things. Get a face wax, get your nails done, start a daily exercise routine if you don't already have one, even if it is just walking. Eat better, gain control over your eating habits making sure the food is nutritious. Guys, you too can swing a new hair style, or goatee, or shave off the goatee, a new look is waiting for you. 

Go look at your wardrobe. Those clothes represent your old self. Do what you can to replace them with a new look. Take girlfriends who can help you with a new look. You will tend to get the same stuff you already have. Friends will tend to try new things. Especially your teenage daughters. Out with the old, in with the new! 

Some even like to go by a different name. They get themselves a new nick-name. You are a new person now, so the sky is the limit to what you can do to change your image. This process may take some time, but will give you something to look forward to each day. A new you!

YOUR NEW HOME

Do you need to move? Sometimes after divorce, we find our environment is not as conducive to healing as it should be. Many choose to move to a new neighborhood and ward in order to start over. They have found that change was necessary in order to heal. Strangers are sometimes better than judgmental so-called friends and associates. 

Try to remember that these people are not bad people, divorce scares them. They don't know how to act around such a nightmare as the toxicity of families being torn apart. It is sad that they don't see that the need for their support is needed more now than ever. Don't be harsh on them. They are just human. But meanwhile, as you are trying to learn to be forgiving, focus on reconstructing your life. 

If you choose to stay where you are, you will want to change your surroundings. Otherwise the memories are going to haunt you. In starting over, you need a fresh surroundings. It will be a project to redecorate your home. The furniture can be painted to give it a new look, and paint costs very little. The same goes for the walls. New pictures on the walls, new accessories, it doesn't take much to make a place look completely different. And not much money. I used to do most of my decorating collecting things from second hand or discount stores. Look at pictures in magazines and then copy them. Get rid of any items that bring back bad memories. This is your new life, and your new surroundings. Your castle.

SOCIAL LIFE

You may have noticed that the structure of your social life has drastically changed. Maybe your married friends who used to include you in activities no longer do, for whatever reason. Many friends and maybe even relatives took the ex's side in the divorce and are no longer listed among your relationships. That was one of the most painful things for me to bear. Relationships are the most important thing to me, and losing them to lies was devastating. At the same time, I realized it was a gift to be able to realize which friends were really true friends through thick and thin. I no longer am interested in having many friends, just a few who are true. 

But, if there is ever a time that you need friends, it is now. I have spoken to many who have been thrown into the "single's world" who are adamant about not joining organized church "single's" activities or wards. I always wondered why when I was married, then understood completely when I became single. 

But I couldn't get over the loneliness I felt suddenly. I was never more lonely than when I was married, but now I also had few associates. I made the decision that I was not going to date for a year, and that I wanted girl friends to do stuff with. I decided I was going to enjoy the freedom, and relive my high school days, as much as possible. So I made myself go to a Single's Ward (which no longer exists for the older singles) just for the express purpose of making friends. 

I also happened to meet Mr. Wonderful, but that is beside the point. Now after 2 1/2 years of being happily married, I still get together with these friends that I made from this ward. Some others have also married, and we don't differentiate between "singles" and "marrieds." We are "FRIENDS." 

I would suggest doing the same. Go to the dances and activities to make friends. You are not ready to date yet. You need a chance to become reacquainted with yourself. You are too needy just yet. You don't want to fall into the trap of being attracted to the same kind of person that got you into this mess. This is not a process to rush into. Take your time, be patient with yourself, and don't trust yourself with guys yet. You are too vulnerable. 

Facebook has tons of LDS Single's groups all over the world. Just do a search for LDS Singles and type in your area, and many options will come up. Join many. The one by my house, a group is organizing activities locally all the time. Anyone can get on and advertise a gathering. It is a great way to meet people. As long as it is something you use to meet people and get together, and not get into thinking that you are socializing if you are chatting online. We want a real life experience here. 

Once you have a new group of friends, do stuff regularly together. There is no reason why you should be going to the movies by yourself on a weekend. Unless you need to be alone for a bit, and that's okay too. Otherwise, send out a mass text to these friends and have them join you for dinner and a movie, and ice cream afterwards. If there isn't a leader in the group, organize activities yourself. Bike rides, volleyball, hikes, walks, whatever. Just have fun! The more fun you have, the faster you will heal. We have all heard that old adage, "LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE." It truly is. 

HOUSEHOLD, PERSONAL, AND SPIRITUAL 

• GET YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER
• SET AND WORK ON PERSONAL GOALS
• MOTIVATIONAL BOOKS AND CD'S
• UPLIFTING MUSIC AND ENTERTAINMENT ONLY
• CLING TO THE GOSPEL, PRAY ALWAYS
• CONTINUE WITH COUNSELING

FOURTH: DUST OFF YOUR DREAMS

It's time to start making your dreams come true. Have you locked them away after years of misery? Then get them back out and dream big. Make a scrapbook or bulletin board, and compile pictures of everything you are interested in. Have you always wanted to play an instrument? Get back into school? Sports? Write? Paint? Invent? Do math problems? (Ok, so I had to throw something in there for the left brained). Start looking around in your area for educational opportunities to enroll in classes, or take lessons, or join a team. Get a friend or two to do it with you. After my sister's divorce, she started taking clogging lessons. It was something she'd always wanted to do. It was good exercise, a great way to meet people, and she loved doing it. It is important during this stage to do things that you love to do. This is a very healing thing for you to do for yourself.  

Ask yourself what you have always wanted to do but couldn't? What dreams have you had to put away due to your previous commitments?

• 
  
• GET ON A DAILY EXERCISE SCHEDULE (at least 3 times a week)
• GIVE YOURSELF DOWN TIME EVERY DAY (your body is still healing from the stress)
• START ON A HOBBY OR TWO
• CONTINUE YOUR SOCIAL ACTIVITIES
• AVOID BECOMING A WORK-A-HOLIC

AVOID EXTREMES

Typically people react to trauma in different ways. Some go into their caves and disappear from society for a long time. Others dive into their jobs and seldom emerge, taking their work home with them, working late into the night, doing nothing else. Some need to talk about it, surrounding themselves by friends and family quiet often, others refuse to talk about it at all, to anyone. Some cry a lot, others never cry. Some become quiet, others loud and demanding that everyone notice the pain they are in. Others become clowns and hide behind their humor. Everyone handles their loss and pain in their own way. No one can tell them that their method of suffering is the "wrong way." There is no "right way" to grieve. 

The tendency after such a huge change in our lives is to go into extremes to keep our minds busy and distract ourselves from the pain and loneliness. The important thing is to keep a balance. It is important to get back into some kind of routine, minus the non-important things from the past that you have recently become aware of. Now include the new things that you need to do to properly take care of yourself, and have some fun. Even if you have to write out a schedule of what to do each day, and tape it on your mirror. 

Most mornings you will not feel like getting up or doing anything. Get in a routine of exercise, healthy eating, and wholesome work and activities. Give yourself lots of down time. You and your body have been through a lot lately. Give yourself a break and be patient with the healing process. Treat yourself like you would your bests friend. If your buddy had just been through something traumatic, would you expect him/her to over work, over time, then instead of sleep, watch television all night and get very little rest, work hard around the house and yard, without ever taking a time-out, or have fun with friends? Of course not. Neither should you treat yourself like that. If there is ever a time that you need to be nice to yourself, it is now.

SHOW GRATITUDE TO YOUR "TEAM"

Keep in close contact with those few relationships that stayed with you. Show lots of gratitude to them for sticking by your side. Take them out to dinner, or go on a weekend away together. Plaster it on Facebook. "I have the best friends in the world. They stood by me during my toughest trial." Then tag their names to make sure they see it. Give them a gift, or flowers, or something to make sure they know how much it meant to you. Do not take their sacrifices for granted. It was not expected, remember how many did not want to be bothered due to the toxicity of the situation? These folks were just as uncomfortable with the nightmare, and yet stepped forward to give you strength. They cheered you on like your own personal cheerleaders. They listened to the same stories over and over again. They let you cry on their shoulders. Do not kid yourself into thinking that it did not cost them anything emotionally. It usually takes it's toll on them, and if you ever want their support again, or if you want it to continue, SHOW GRATITUDE!!!

DATING

A later post will cover this subject in greater depth. In this stage of recovery, it is not a good idea to date. You are still too vulnerable and may have a tendency to attach yourself to the first person who shows sympathy, real or otherwise. Do get out there and be involved in group activities. Some say that it is best not to date for a year after the divorce is final. I think you know best when you are ready. But do get involved in Single's activities for the purpose of making friends. Do let it be known that you will not be dating just yet," but thank you for your kind attention."

The first year or so, you will feel lost. You won't remember who you are. You may have to rediscover that person who got lost along the way somewhere. You may need to do some reconstruction if you feel that there are some flaws that need to be worked on before getting into another relationship. Just being away from a toxic relationship will alone give you a chance to re-emerge. Healthy people are attracted to happy people, abusers are attracted to broken people. I remember hearing a saying that in relationships, two halves make two halves. And two wholes make two wholes who will eventually become one. Become a whole and healthy person if you want to attract and recognize a whole person. Get yourself back before dating.  

A NEW HOPE FOR YOUR FUTURE

I promise you, the new associations you make will bring joy to your life, gap some of that loneliness, and help you move toward the path of strength and healing. I remember just a year after my own divorce, I was talking to a couple who were on their second marriages. She was doing public speaking all over the states, and sang in the Tabernacle Choir. He had a very successful business of his own. On the side they were travel guides. They were very happily married, and seemed to have it all together. I was impressed with how far they had come after their divorces. 

They told me that the pain was very intense right after their divorces. Now eight years later, they seldom think of it. They feel past it all, and have found a new life, full of happiness and love. Not that they never have problems again, there will always be problems. They admonished me to be patient and hang on. Things will get better. The pain will decrease over time. And someday you will look back and thank Heavenly Father for that experience that brought you to where you will be. And you will realize the strength you have developed, the increased compassion for others going through the same thing, that you will want to give other sufferers the same advice. "This too shall pass." "Be still and know that I am God." God Bless you in your healing process, and make your dreams come true.

I am still in my own healing process, but I have seen great growth, healing, and progress in the last 3 1/2 years since my divorce. I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I have married someone who has no greater desire than to see to my happiness. And I only want to see him have that beautiful smile on his face, while we make our dreams come true together. We are looking forward to being sealed in the temple in just a few months, where I will finally feel like I am investing in my eternal relationship with a man worthy of my respect, love, adoration and affection. Nothing brings me greater happiness than having the man of my dreams by my side. Everyday living is just so easy with him. I have a man who protects me, makes me laugh instead of cry, comforts me, builds me up, pushes me forward in my interests, and holds me up on a pedestal. And in return, I worship him, and give him all the love I have to give.

Men and women have a great capacity to love when with the right person. There is no greater experience in life than the binding of two people who love each other. No theme park roller coaster can compare. No amount of money can bring that kind of happiness. No vacation, no mansion, no, not even your children can compete with the love of a good man/woman. It is worth working for, and waiting for.

But remember, if Mr./Mrs. Right does not come along for a while, NO MAN AT ALL is better than the WRONG MAN. NO WOMAN AT ALL is better than the WRONG WOMAN. DO NOT SETTLE EVER AGAIN. Remember that old saying, "it is better to aim for the stars and miss, than to aim for a pile of manure and hit."

So don't worry about dating right now, you get yourself whole again. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to heal, do all the things you love, and that bring you satisfaction. Pat yourself on the back for your progress. You have just stepped onto the path of happiness, and ONE STEP AT A TIME are on your way!

                                                                   *******************

The next blog posts will cover how to deal with children post-divorce. Then we will dive into the dating scene. It will be a blunt conversation, from someone who has been there. Stay tuned!

Scott and I picking up my daughter from her mission. Visiting a historic jailhouse. 

FOR LDS BISHOPS OF DIVORCING WARD MEMBERS

                                         IT'S HARD BEING BISHOP!

As LDS ward bishops, you understand fully that you are considered fathers of your congregations, and have heavy responsibilities placed on their shoulders. You are men who have not asked for this responsibility, yet have responded to the call to shepherd your friends, neighbors, community members, and sometimes total strangers. You add onto the burden of making a living for your own families, while balancing the responsibilities of father and husband, neighbor, son, etc. In my 55 years of being a member, I have seldom seen a bishop end his term without having aged 20 years, and had his hair turn completely white. If he had any left over at all.

I felt for the great "fathers" of my wards as I watched them struggle to keep their eyes open during a sacrament meeting talk. I would wonder how much sleep he got the night before? Did he lose sleep over late and/or early meetings? Or was it from worry over a multiple struggling ward members who came to him and placed their burdens on his desk? Burdens of everyday life, marriage problems, guilt from sin, abuse, addiction, financial difficulties, and neglect of their responsibilities. I felt for these men as they tried to find answers to solutions for their many "children," as their own families struggled without a father so much of the time. No matter how supportive a wife can be of him in his stewardship, raising a family without the husband's usual input and influence takes it's toll while the children share his attentions with hundreds of others.

Many burdens that are laid on your desk are some you have experience with and know exactly what to advise. Other times you shake your head and wonder how you got yourself into this position. One day you were minding your own business coaching your kids in basketball, and cheering on your ballerina while planning young men activities, and the next day you are expected to know how to coach struggling married couples, help a teenager out of addictions, put someone on the path to forgiveness after making moral transgressions, and bring back those in your congregation who have become lost. "How did this happen?"

The bishop's guidebook is very vague on how to handle most situations, and bishops are left to follow their way, hopefully through prayer. If they ever have time for that luxury anymore.

Listen to one divorce victim's experience who participated in my survey.

"I sat across from my bishop and announced that I was leaving my husband of over 30 years. He stared at me and his mouth fell open. We had been considered one of those rock-solid families in his congregation. The one where the husband had been a Bishop himself, and I had been in teaching capacities that included Seminary and Institute, and most recently Gospel Doctrine. That family he didn't have to worry about. I went on to describe what went on behind closed doors. The physical and emotional abuse, the 'gas-lighting,' the phone calls from women for my husband, the makeup found on his garments, and many other signs that led me to believe he was cheating on me.

"We were the third couple that year to surprise the poor bishop like this. In fact, the previous few bishops didn't have any divorces, so he wondered why he was so lucky. He worried about what this would do to the ward. He knew about what it was like when bombshells went off of this magnitude. The gossip, the shaken testimonies, the fear of a snowball effect he thought might happen with other marriages ending.

"I was desperately seeking a refuge from the upcoming hell of trying to escape a well respected abusive man with what I was learning in my research and professional counseling sessions was called 'personality disorders.' I had witnessed his great influence as he had regularly cut off my support with his persuasive personality and his charismatic destruction of my character to my friends and family. I hoped and prayed I would find support from my ward father during my final escape. At least validation. My loving bishop assured that he believed me, that his heart was heavy for me, and that he would do whatever was in his power to give the needed support. Then he asked me not to talk to anyone in the ward about the divorce. I feared that if no one knew my side of the story, only his would be spread. I was right.

She continued:
"In the end, my charming ex-husband had my bishop, stake president, and whole ward believing that I was having an affair, and that he was my victim of abuse. Few ward members would speak to me after my ill treatment of such a great man. The loss of my ward family was devastating to me. I had been in that ward for 13 years and thought that they knew me better than that. I had hoped to be able to lean on this wonderful, loving group of people during the hardest trial of my life.

"As I started my life over in another state and ward, I wondered what I could have done differently. How can I have convinced my bishop any better so that he would continue to stand by me and defend me? How could I have convinced him of my husbands crimes so that he would take the steps to hold a church court and handle his sins against the church? What else could I have done or said? How could I possibly compete with such a practiced con-artist?

"This ex-husband went to a new ward and stake, and joined the Tabernacle Choir, passing the ecclesiastical permissions of his new leaders, without any voice from his previous bishop. It was a slap in my face to know the level of deception this man had committed against the church, and to have him prance off in his wolf clothing without check, and to stand as an example in such a large way. I wondered what church I belonged to? Had I not been a leader myself knowing how things were supposed to be done? Did it only happen properly for everyone else? Why was he not brought to face his crimes?

"I realize that bishops are human. I wondered if they were intimidated to prosecute other men? Whatever the reason, I also wondered if my experience was isolated or more common in a day where mercy was the norm, and justice a thing of the past. I had lots of questions about why divorce in the church put these select members into a 'don't touch' zone. The outcasts, the mis-fits. I suddenly felt like I was on the outskirts of the 'welcome group.' I felt like my trial was not among the 'acceptable trials' for church members. Death, sickness, and injury were fine to experience, but if your family falls apart, no casseroles for you. Was this typical?"

Her question stirred my heart. Unfortunately, her story was too common. Too often, at the time when these sufferers need it the most, those who should be reaching out turn their backs. Is it because they are mean spirited or vindictive? No, just unaware. Just awkward. They don't know what to do or say. Yes, too many are judgmental. It's natural. The natural man is an enemy to God remember. We, too, have judged wrongfully in our lives.

Unfortunately, I discovered that about 60% of our divorcing members tend to leave the church. 80% of the men, and 40% of the women. And sadly, their children tend to follow. Why? Were their experiences like the above sister's? Many have commented that they did not feel wanted at church. It was hard to attend a ward where they felt like the elephant in the room. We can understand how easy it would be to return home and never come back. One could also see that it would be so much easier for bishops to retain their members than to lose them and try to gain them back.

Post divorce is a very vulnerable time in one's life. Divorcees might find themselves doing things that they never would have considered before. Temptation is greater when outside of the safety of marriage. Predatorial singles are out there preying on the innocent. Their testimonies will have taken a knock or two. Some cannot separate the actions of the church members from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They may feel that God has turned their backs on them.

As referenced earlier, I put together a study online to find out these and other answers. I invited LDS divorced folks from singles dances and activities, and Facebook singles groups around the world, to tell me of their experiences. I found out a few things about my church and the subject of divorce. I added a section about their experiences with their bishops. "What did they do that was helpful, what did they do that might have been handled differently?" I asked for suggestions, insights, and helpful hints. I was amazed at how little effort it would take to make a difference for these struggling members.

It is my hope that this will be helpful to bishops. As a sister in the church, I feel great relief that I will never have to carry the burdens you carry. I would not want to have this hard job. Being Relief Society President was hard enough. I do not pretend to be an expert, have all the answers for bishops, nor understand and all of the struggles that they face, not even on the subject of divorce. But, I have heard the voice of many members who have some great ideas, or who have had both positive and negative experiences with their ward bishops, and they were free with their suggestions.

If you truly wish to know how to retain your divorcing members of your ward, and not let them wander lost in the world after the devastation of the destruction of their families, please read on.

• UNDERSTAND, DIVORCE IS A MAJOR TRIAL

The first thing a bishop needs to realize is, by the time a member comes to his office admitting that they are leaving a marriage, this spouse has been struggling with getting up the courage to come to you for many years. They have tried everything they know how, and just are frantic to get out. 99% of the time, the divorce is not over something trivial. The reasons for divorce in the church, according to my study, are as follows, in this order:

1. ABUSE ON SOME LEVEL
2. INFIDELITY
3. ADDICTIONS
4. PERSONALITY DISORDERS
5. FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
6. SAME SEX ATTRACTION

Not one participant stated that they were divorcing because he snored, or was home late too often, or she hogged the remote control, or was too fat, or squeezed the toothpaste wrong. These listed above are serious. Most often, the couples were dealing with many of these issues at the same time. They got out because they had to. 

Coming to this decision is scary and devastating. Then they come to you for validation and comfort. They are scared, lacking in hope, and may not know what their options are at this point. They need understanding and emotional support. This is a turning point in their lives, it determines whether they land on their feet, or end up on the system for their care, or on the streets with alcoholism or drug abuse. 

In the study, all participants stated that this trial was the hardest of their lives. Even the few who had lost a spouse to death said that this was worse. Divorce is a culmination of many years of struggling with a hard, sometimes addictive or abusive home life. Or it is a sudden discovery of infidelity on the part of one or other spouse. No matter the cause, divorcees all agreed that it was devastating to both of them, and their children. It breaks the hearts of ward members, friends and family members of those divorcing. But no one hurts like the couple who is being torn apart. 

The victims had in most cases a decline in health, financial status, and social standing and support. They felt completely deserted, isolated, and alone. In most cases it took many, many years to recover from, and most still have not come to the point of saying they have recovered. On an individual basis, they said they could not sleep at night, had nightmares when they did, either gained or lost weight, and many turned to drugs or alcohol, and left the church, unless they had good support from their ward of some kind. 

Many times they felt ostracized from the ward, even the children no longer felt welcome at the homes of their friends. They all agreed that they felt as if they now had a "scarlet letter" on their foreheads, a plague so-to-speak. One day they were contributing members of their wards, working hard on callings to serve this ward family, the next they felt judged, shunned, and despised. 

If there is ever a time in a person's life that they need extra love and support, it is during a divorce. Instead they receive judgment, becoming the object of ridicule, outcast from their usual support base, and isolated in a scary and desperate world of single-hood. A world where each has lost their partner, extra household support, and financial contribution. 

Their family has been ripped apart, their hearts broken, their dreams shattered. They feel cast to the bottom of the heap, vulnerable, and scared. And they realize too late that their trial is not listed among the "acceptable trials of the church culture and demagogue." It is no wonder that 60% leave the church, it is truly a wonder, unfortunately, that any stay in a religiously hostile environment. 

Why do some stay? Their testimonies are strong enough to realize that the humans running the wards and stake are just that, human. The survivors have a testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They realize that if they want to make it back to heaven, they need their cups to be filled regularly, partake of the sacrament, pay their tithing, and serve others. Even if they never receive another calling again due to the "divorce-stigma" they hope someday to recapture what they once had (respect, support, etc.) by regularly going to church. But not every member is that strong. 

Others stayed because they had a great bishop who navigated their divorce experience, in the ward, in a way that the divorcing members felt loved, valued, and supported. The survivors said their bishops had done all they could, and were very helpful. So the question is, how did these bishops do it? What were their methods? How did they create an emotionally safe environment in their wards for these struggling members? Let's ask these same divorce-surviving-and-yet-staying-active members!

The abuse cycle given in the church handbook for families

• THE "DO'S" OF DIVORCE NAVIGATION

1. Do pray for the spirit of discernment. Only the spirit can tell you when a spouse is trying to deceive you. Sociopaths are common, as are abusers. They are very convincing, and most psychologists psychiatrists will be fooled by their performance. Mentally ill/Personality disorder characters will convince you that THEY are the victims, and will support their case with many convincing lies. Believe what you feel, what your gut is telling you. Trust the Spirit will guide you. Ask for promptings, then follow them. 
2. Do become educated on abuse and all of it's forms. The Church handbook on families has a graph that is to be used for this purpose. Many methods are used to control and manipulate another person, including passive aggressiveness, "gas-lighting," cutting them off from friends, family, and other resources for support, hiding and controlling the money, and much more. Not all abuses are physical, but all are just as harmful. In every case, the abuse only gets worse over time. Never counsel a member to stay in such circumstances. Always call the Church's Abuse Hotline set up just specifically for bishops in these cases.
3. Do become educated on Personality Disorders/Mental Illnesses. Many will come to you not even realizing what is wrong at home, they just can't put their finger on it. If you have done your homework, you will recognize the signs of these disorders. "He belittles me in front of my friends and family." "She yells and throws things at me when she doesn't get her way." "He hides my car keys or pulls out my spark plugs when he knows I need to go somewhere important." They all have the same patterns. They all afflict their victims the same way. There are many books out today, and reports/blogs on google if you need a quick reference. My booklist on this blog also lists books that are helpful, as well as blogs of LDS divorce survivors telling their own stories. Wear their shoes for a bit and become better acquainted. The most important thing to remember here is, what they tell you will sound outrageous. You won't want to believe them and will be tempted to give the other spouse the benefit of the doubt. Usually the truth is much worse than they are letting on. Give them the gift of believing them. Validate their experience. You cannot ever possibly completely understand unless you have been there yourself. It doesn't mean what they are going through isn't real because you can't comprehend that level of crazy. These things don't just happen in the movies.
4. Do admonish all ward members to come to you early on when they are having marital problems. This way you can get them into counseling long before they get to this point. Saving marriages and keeping families in tact is your highest and most important aim. Often one spouse believes everything is fine, while the other is planning their escape. If a marriage can be saved, this is the time. 
5. Do hold Church Courts when necessary. If a spouse comes in and tells you that they caught their husband/wife cheating on them, or confess to doing it themselves, or any other kind of immoral conduct against the commandments of the church, take it seriously. Do both of them a favor and bring the guilty party through the mercy of the process of the church discipline. If you "let it slide" due to embarrassment or fear of confronting other Priesthood members, or the sister, you are not doing them any favors. Show them tough love by helping them get back on their feet in the Gospel. The process of repentance requires them to go through certain steps in order to get back on the path. If a bishop thinks he is just being merciful by not doing anything about a crime, the person committing the indiscretion comes to believe that what they did was not that big a deal, and will continue the in the sin. Then it will be even harder to bring them back. It also tells the victim-spouse that the crime committed against them was also not a big deal. A hard knock to their testimony of the Gospel. Handle it with love toward both, judgment toward neither, and they will be able to move forward in their healing process. If the guilty partner does not want to confess when confronted, or does confess but has no plans to change, do what is necessary for him/her, and the rest of the family. Remember, children may be watching and learning from how it is handled. Is the moral crime a big deal? Or is it not? According to the study, 19.12% who committed such crimes were dealt with in a church court or disciplinary action, where 80.88% were not. 
6. Do keep details of the divorce private. The fact that a divorce is going on is impossible to keep hidden, but the why's and what for's are no one else's business. If you confide in one counselor, making him promise not to tell anyone, he will have to only tell his wife, who promises not to tell anyone, who will only tell two girlfriends in the ward, who promise not to tell anyone, who will tell their husbands, who also promise not to tell anyone, who will approach the couple at church and make a remark to them that shows that information has been leaked, and is now traveling through the ward. Ward members begin to speculate their own stories, take sides, pass along any story they can think of to support their claims, and the already toxic situation now becomes explosive. The already suffering   pair are now objects of mass judgment and gossip. Even if the information does not come from you, the damage to a ward family, and to the family involved, is devastating. Do your best to keep ward members from getting involved in the gossip chain. Advise your leaders to give extra love and support during this trial. Find ways to serve them, like you would had it been a death in the family, or sickness or injury. They will pick up their cues from you. If you act like they are the plague, the rest of the ward will also. 
7. Do show compassion and support. Everyone in their lives is going to judge them. "They should have done this." "I told her she shouldn't marry him." "If only they had....." "I heard she said....." They will be the object of scorn in every circle they used to find comfort from. Their parents, friends, siblings, often even their own children will ridicule them for their decision to divorce. Do not let your office be one of those places. Listen, listen, listen. They will need to talk. They will need your sympathy, they will need your understanding. Be that one place of safety for them that they can trust. 
8. Do counsel ward leaders to show extra love and support. Ask what they can do to extend a hand to the family during this trial. They may suggest helping with the kids during appointments with attorneys. Occasional help with household issues, such as plumbing, or the mowing of their lawn. Cookies delivered, flowers, a note of encouragement would go a long way. Ask someone to invite them to sit with them at church and help with the kids, or at least make them feel like they are not alone. 
9. Do set up a Home-Teaching couple instead of regular Home and Visiting Teachers. If you have a couple in the ward who is on their second marriage successfully, they might be good candidates as a Home Teaching companionship for divorcing and post divorced couples. They will know better than anyone in the ward what the divorcees are feeling, and what they will need in the way of support. It may require more visits than once a month, so they would need to be dedicated to those in their stewardship. They can be very valuable assets to you and accomplish what you cannot all by yourself. For example: Set up Priesthood blessings for the spouse and/or children. Keep an eye out for ways the ward can assist them. Make sure children/teens are getting to meetings and activities. Make sure babysitters are provided so that Mom (or Dad) can attend a Relief Society activity (or Priesthood). Provide emotional support. 
10. Do set up regular appointments to check in on him/her. Keep in touch with the family to make sure they are not sinking under the pressure. They just need to know you care and are thinking of them. Realize that their problems don't end when the divorce does. They will need watchful care for years until they get back on their feet. Not to the same extent as during the divorce proceedings, but definitely to some degree or another, which you will know by keeping your finger on their pulse through monthly or bi-montly meetings with them. Exhort them to read scriptures together daily as a family, and to attend the temple regularly as the single parent. If he/she has not become endowed, prepare them for this blessing so that they can feel that they are moving toward a better future. 
11. Do treat them like you did before the divorce. They will need consistency in their surroundings more than ever before. They will be sensitive to how others treat them, so be an example and be normal. Being single does not make them broken, partial, or back in Primary again. If they were capable of teaching Gospel Doctrine before the divorce, they are still capable now. 

The cycle of abuse, and why it's hard for victims to get out. 

THE "DO NOT'S" OF DIVORCE NAVIGATION

1. Do not advise them to stay in an abusive situation. No matter what level of abuse they are experiencing, abuse is dangerous and harmful to all family members involved, and tends to perpetuate to the next generation if the situation is not removed. Remember, no one deserves to be abused for any amount of time, or for any reason. You do not have to encourage the divorce, but do not discourage it. An abuse victim has gathered up all her (or his) strength to come to you, at great risk. She fears her husband finding out, and the repercussions if he does. Never tell an abusive husband that his wife came and "told on him." If you feel you must talk to him and call him into your office to confront him, do it after she has fled, or is in a safe situation. Then you can advise that he go to counseling. In 90% of cases, the abusers refuse to admit they abuse, say that the victims deserved it, and cannot change their ways, nor do they have any desire to. And they won't let go of their victims easily. And call the Church's Abuse Hotline. They may advise you to advise her to get a protective or restraining order. 
2. Do not be judgmental. Do not sit behind your desk casting dark looks upon them for not having a perfect life. Be patient, understanding, comforting, and just listen. They may make bad choices against your better judgement while they find their way. Just love them and keep them in your prayers. You cannot possibly know what it is like to be the victim in their case unless you too have been there. Try to understand the best you can. Then focus all of your judgments on their eternal salvation. 
3. Do not fear them because they are "single." There is an unfair predatorial stigma attached in the church with singles, especially women. The married sisters believe that the divorcees will suddenly be interested in their husbands. The church leadership believes she will seduce her Home Teacher. Or her Gospel Doctrine Class. Or her bishop. In the study, 94% of the divorced sisters said that they would never even think about flirting with the married men in her ward. That other 6% is usually the ones who flirted before the divorce, so everyone knows who they are. Divorcees are not suddenly desperate creatures out to get anyone they can. Most are content to be single, fearing getting into another relationship like they just had. They are also good, god-fearing people who are not interested in breaking up your family, or breaking their covenants. The last thing they need is to be treated like they are contagious. Do not put them into callings that seclude them from others who may be a support to them (such as the nursery, or the library). Keeping them serving in the ward will be good for them to stay connected, and feel needed, like before. Anything you can do that is the same as before is best. 
4. Do not fall for the common myths of divorce.                              *The men are always at fault. This is not true. More and more women are becoming the abusers and breaking their covenants, or having addictions.                                                                                *It takes two. Not always. When one partner has a personality disorder, is a pathological liar, abusive, or adulterous, there is nothing that the other partner can do to change the course of that marriage.    *If someone divorces in your ward, everyone will want to. Ridiculous. Like I said earlier, people don't divorce and break up their families easily. 
5. Do not try to give legal advice. You are not equipped with the answers to the legalities of the divorce court in your state unless you are a divorce lawyer yourself. You do not want to be liable for advise  gone awry. Let them know that you cannot give that kind of counsel. Advise them to seek this kind of legal protection. 

When a couple, or spouse, comes to you and announces that they are getting a divorce: You will want to speak to the couple together (unless abuse is the issue), or individually and lay down the rules for them. You may add to this list some ideas of your own. Here are mine from the survey. 

• The person not staying in the home should move to another ward. It complicates things in your ward when both are there sitting in different places in the congregation. Most likely it will start a civil war in your ward with people taking sides. The other spouse should be advised to move out of the boundaries of your ward and stake. It will be better for them to get the full support from a different bishop and stake president than the spouse is using. 
• Neither is to speak of the details of the divorce to other ward members. No recruiting ward members to "their side." Of course, there are usually some close friends within the ward boundaries, but ask if they could keep the information confidential to avoid ward gossip from spreading. Do not tell one spouse and not the other. Otherwise, one will keep silent and leave an open forum for the other to spread rumors. Either tell both to keep it silent, or none. Tell them if you hear of rumors, they will be called back in to chat with you. Be very firm on this. 
• Explain that you are not their attorney. You do not want them calling you every time they feel the other partner has done something they don't like. You are not their mediator. You are their spiritual guide. Their ward father. You will give them support, but will not get in the middle of their battle. 
• Explain to them (whomever is staying in the ward) that you will be setting him/her up with the special Home Teaching couple to give them the added support they will need. 
• Set them up with professional counseling, for the adults as well as the children (if any). This is invaluable and lifts much of the burden from your shoulders. It will be the best way the ward funds can be spent in saving that family. 
• Counsel them to keep their covenants while going through this trial. Keep up their temple attendance, more now than ever. 
• Counsel the brother to take his stewardship over his family seriously, and tell him you don't want to hear that he is shirking this responsibility. You want to hear that he is being equitable in making sure his family is well taken care of, both with alimony and child support issues. 
• Counsel them to do as amicable a divorce as possible, getting it done as soon as possible, not slowing it down with petty selfish greed. 

Surviving divorce and coming out victoriously is the goal for your members. 

As their Bishop, you have the power to keep your flock safe and secure in the arms of the safety of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, or toss them aside as outcasts and misfits. When divorcees feel ostracized by their ward family, it is hard to bring them back, and almost impossible to bring back their children, who are very sensitive to how their parents are treated. 

By caring enough to learn ways to best support them during this tough trial in their lives, you can make the difference between whether they end up on their feet, or in the gutter, so-to-speak. With the proper care during the divorce process, families can survive, and then thrive under the blessings of the church community. By pulling together their support in their ward family, their foundation of the church will be grounded, and the paths for their salvation set. Basically, if they can build resilience during one of the toughest trials in the LDS church in a "forever family" community, they can survive anything. 

Bringing every family safely into the eternities is the goal of every bishop. 

God bless you for your efforts in this regard, and may God grant you an extra wing on your mansions on high. Feel free to share this with your bishop associates. 

Some great insights into mental health and abuse:

-http://www.lovelivehealth.com/10-signs-emotionally-abused/

-http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/10-things-passive-aggressive-people-say

-http://ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com/2014/04/post-lds-divorce-suggested-bookblog-list.html

-http://www.narcissistswife.com

-http://illnessquiz.com/sociopath-test/

-http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html (profile of a sociopath)

-http://www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/abusers.htm

-http://safeharborsfl.org/domestic-violence/characteristics-of-an-abuser

Survey results can be found at www.ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com

STUDY SHOWS REAL REASONS BEHIND LDS DIVORCES

Author:

Lisa McDougle

A recent study shows finances are no longer the main reason LDS women file for divorce, and in fact is No. 5 on the list. Abuse in all its forms has risen to the top, at 60.2 percent. A great victim resource is the ChainBreakers Foundation.

After experiencing divorce myself in a “families are forever” church, I felt like I had entered a different world inside of the LDS culture. It was my turn to take center stage for what felt like arena of gossipers and stone throwers in our congregations. Having possibly been a contributor of this judging activity in the past, the flip-side I found to be beyond comfortable. In fact it was miserable and lonely. Many questions came to mind about whether my experience was isolated, or was pretty standard for our Mormon culture.

While I was still married, divorced friends tried to explain their experience and gain my understanding but I could not comprehend the magnitude of their sufferings. I feared what they were going through, and did not know how to support them. The word “divorce” was always the word I feared most, and I could see nothing that would bring greater destruction to families. Many years later when I experienced my own life-altering “family destruction,” feeling like an outcast in my society of Saints, and wondering why the “Saints” did not rally around me, I had to have some questions answered.

Why do LDS members divorce in a church that encourages the eternal relationship? Why do many members withdraw support from those going through this experience, even to the point of ridiculing the couple, and sometimes the children? Do members believe that divorces occur for frivolous reasons and that the couples have not tried to reconcile? Do they believe that God would prefer a woman (or man) to stay in a dead-end, abusive, or cheating marriage to conform to the comfort of society’s norm? That they should stay in a bad marriage no matter how bad it is? What can LDS members do to better support those going through such a devastating experience? With 60% divorce victims leaving the church, what can leaders and members do better to retain divorcees in the church?

For the past 3 years I have asked those questions in a study among LDS Divorcees around the world. According to the results of thousands of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have participated in my multinational survey, the experiences among our religious culture appear to be pretty similar, Utah being the toughest place to divorce. During 2012 through 2014, divorced respondents include members living in the United States, Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, Canada and Africa, with the majority of the input coming from Utah, California and Idaho.

I learned that divorce in the LDS Church has gone through a change in recent years. Statistics in the 1990s indicated most resulted from financial conflicts, as referenced in Elder Marvin J. Ashton's 1992 finance guide "One for the Money." Although money continues to be a major topic of contention among married couples, other, more serious, issues seem to be topping the list of causes.

My survey shows the highest contributing factors today include the following: (respondents often indicated more than one reason)

1. Some form of abuse: 60.2 percent

2. Infidelity: 56.5 percent

3. Addiction: 44.7 percen 

4. Personality disorders: 37.9 percent 

5. Finances: 24.8 percent

6. Same-gender attraction: 5.6 percent




In a General Relief Society meeting held in September 1998, President Gordon B. Hinckley stated his concern about the incidence of divorce, saying: "Divorce is becoming so common, even rampant, that studies show in a few years half of those now married will be divorced."

When pondering the surveys top listed causes, I have to admit my surprise at the realization that abuse topped the list. Which raised another question, has abuse become more common, or are today's women less likely to continue in an abusive marriage now that divorce has been made easier in the court system? A rise in divorces by women increased in Utah when the no-fault “Family Law Act” divorces were passed in 1969.

A victim's pathway to safety can be fraught with uncertainty and the fear of more abuse if she is caught trying to leave an abusive relationship. LDS women who are regularly abused on any level often seek help from church authorities, from local resources and, usually lastly, through legal avenues.

The study seems to indicate that abused spouses most often are kept from having control of funds, making it difficult to get proper legal help. Mothers may win custody of their children in divorce proceedings but not adequate financial support to take care of them in a divided household income situation. Most often, abuse does not end with the termination of the marriage, though the children and mother will begin to thrive in the safer environment.


Bishops can provide direction in providing struggling couples with counseling. Though not formally or extensively trained to deal with cases of abuse, LDS ecclesiastical leaders can still be more helpful when they become informed, keep an eye on potentially fraught situations and guide victims to proper professional assistance. Because bishops' powers are limited, victims should not expect them to solve their problems, give legal advice or rescue them.

Douglas Hall, a practicing family law attorney of 30 years, said, “I am quite aware that some of our local clergy struggle to grasp and understand completely what an abused spouse is trying to tell them, or what they are dealing with. A narcissistic husband is so convincing to the outside world.”

When asked about the commonality of the personality disorder of “narcissism,” Hall went on to say, “This seems to be the thread that runs through many of my cases. It appears in one form or another. I was not really aware of this syndrome until recently, but now I can usually pick right up on it now that I am aware of the symptoms.”

The Utah Domestic Violence Council, a valuable resource for victims, reported this year that 3,751 domestic violence charges were filed between July 2010 and July 2011. Between 2001 and 2008, there were 198 domestic violence homicides in Utah alone. The Utah Department of Health and Injury Protection Program (VIPP) estimates that 40,000 women are physically abused by intimate partners each year.

Physical abuse is easier to detect than the more subtle, but just as damaging, other types of abuse. Abuse takes on many forms and cannot always be easily identified by family, church leaders, friends or, sometimes, even experts in psychology. According to this survey, abusers use one or more of the following techniques:

•    Emotional abuse

•    “Gas-lighting”/Crazy-making

•    Verbal abuse

•    Destruction of personal property

•    Intimidation, coercion and threats

•    Sexual abuse

•    Physical abuse

•    Abuse of authority

•    Restriction of freedom and/or relationships, isolation

•    Economic abuse: controlling money or job ability

•    Using male privilege: "unrighteous dominion"

•    Using children to manipulate spouse

•    Passive-aggressiveness

The Graph used in Bishop's manuals on abuse. 

The cycle of abuse goes through stages of reconciliation, a honeymoon phase, denial and then further abuse. The victim is led to believe that the problems in the marriage are his/her own fault for his/her lack of "perfection."

Women and children who are abused regularly on any level come to church, or other public activities, putting on their best "everything is normal" act, making it hard to recognize their plight. The abusers are typically charmers, often highly functioning in important church or community positions, making it hard for victims to be believed or validated even among their own circles of support.

Too often victims turn to legal or ecclesiastical authorities but then call it all off when the abuser puts on a "repentant" act. Hall advises victims to “get out sooner than later. I know of only a few cases that didn’t get worse. It’s hard, particularly when the abused spouse wants to believe that the other will change.”

When asked where victims of abuse can go to get support and education, Hall suggested the ChainBreaker Foundation as "the best resource I’ve come across. Disseminating the availability of this resource to those who need it, (however), is the problem.”

The ChainBreaker Foundation is an organization based in Orem that operates with the goal of giving victims the tools to navigate through or out of tough and sometimes dangerous relationships. Founder Joan Shippen holds informative weekly meetings featuring professional and educational speakers.

Empowered victims often become volunteers and mentors, returning much-needed support to other attenders. Kerrie , one of those volunteers, said, "Joan Shippen is the 'Mother Teresa' of Utah."

"Our goal is to strengthen women so that they are no longer considered victims on any level," Shippen said. "Women come here lost, confused and afraid. After a few classes they walk away feeling validated, realizing that they are not alone, that people care, and that there are ways to escape the abuse. We hope they get the tools that they will need to be courageous. Only they can do what it will take to stop the vicious cycle."

But women are not always the victims, Shippen said. "Lately more and more men are attending our classes. It is imperative that we teach our children the symptoms of abusive behaviors so that they will not marry into abuse and continue this cycle from generation to generation.”


Abuse appears to be a rising problem, one exacerbated by addictions, which are also rampant. Few things are tougher than to watch loved ones suffer from abusive relationships. Victims usually need to rescue themselves and, unfortunately, they often resent interference from well-intentioned loved ones. As Shippen said, "We cannot liberate victims; we can only educate them. They must liberate themselves."

The victims have to arrive at that point where they finally believe "enough is enough." Then, and only then, will they do what it takes to escape. At this highly volatile point, family, friends, ward leadership and members can, and should, step in to assist in whatever ways are necessary. As Shippen has said, "Together we can break the chains of domestic abuse."

For more information on symptoms of abuse, cheating spouses, results of my research, the survey and other updates on “divorce in the LDS community,” visit ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com. The research was conducted by LDevelopment LLC using volunteers recruited through social media and forums for LDS singles. To participate in the survey visit the appropriate link: LDS divorced women or LDS divorced men.

Lisa McDougle is the president of LDevelopment LLC, which does motivational research, and speaks across the nation for women, youth, and single adults; she is a mother of seven and a grandmother of 12. Contact her at lisa@lisaspeaks.org.

Lisa McDougle with her new husband, Scott, after 2 1/2 years of marital bliss.