Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part nine of the survey for LDS Divorced Men.
PART NINE
QUESTIONS 52-55
52. What changes are you making in looking toward the next relationship (if any)?
FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I need to work on myself first"
"I have definite things that are important to me and my eternal salvation. She must meet certain criteria. But most of all, I'm working on becoming a better person." "Even with disability you can do something. Just have to figure it out." "Make sure I act more like a real man and stand up against abuse. Marry someone who loves me back." "I have reviewed all my previous relationships and realized that they were all fundamentally the same person. I have thus, changed the profile of the kind of woman I am looking for." "Self examination and improving how I help around the house and not spending too much time on computer or TV." "Self- improvement." "Be completely morally clean myself; not base the relationship on sex or emotional need. Be emotionally/spiritually healthy myself. To know my real value as a man - before God and to family & friends. Trying to find a new professional direction, so that I can be confident in my role as a man and ability to provide, so that a good woman will see I can provide, and working hard to not be a rescuer to troubled women." "Using a very open and honest approach. Not that I lied before, but I'm making sure to openly admit my weaknesses and faults. Expecting the same in return. I think it's important to let the other person have as clear an idea as possible about what they're getting into, so they can judge for themselves if they think I'm worth the investment required, and vice versa." "muscle testing released trapped emotions," "A more realistic view on what a marriage is and who people are." "I will be absolutely honest and faithful to my next partner, and include the Lord in our relationships." "Trying to put my life in order and bring my children stability," "just an ongoing, life-long effort to be more kind and attentive," "staying healthy, making new friends," "Still trust Heavenly Father. I was afraid it may end up this way but HF ask me to go through with it. Its been hard but I love my children so much and where would they be if I were not the father," "Learned a lot about myself." "Not listening to society or those pressures, listening to my head and heart instead. Maintaining a balance between love and logic." "I will be more direct and blunt," "Take more responsibility for what I did/do wrong. She left me with for a woman but I was challenging at times. I needed to be more patient and will be in my next relationship." "finding compatibility and mental stability in a partner," "I have shaped into a better person," "I am working on being less stupid, listening to others more communicative and cooperative. I hope my current, 2nd wife and Sweetheart of 20 years now, notices." "I have made friends with single men and women. I attend singles functions with varying degrees of frequency (the 'single scene' can get depressing at times and I tend to back off now and again). I look for ways to make myself a better 'marriage prospect'." "honesty is the best policy," "I need to overcome addiction." "Open eyes, staying worthy and being totally honest." "I realized that I had been attracting different versions of the same girl and had to figure out why and take measures to alter that sad fact." "I will do ANYTHING to stay together and FIX the problems EARLY!"
SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I am looking for specific traits in her"
"Learning new things, open to learning, progressing." "She not being gay," "Find a spouse who is a church member and truly wants to live gospel principles," "Many. Outlook, emotional, expectations, etc." "Find someone with far more common interests," "I want a friend," "Finding someone who's personality is more compatible with mine." "I have more experience now, and perhaps I've changed what I want in a woman due to my divorce." "I will only date emotionally and mentally stable women. I look for someone who can work through problems WITH me and wants to be with me. I expect the same of myself." "I would want someone who is happy being themselves and wants to support me rather than tear me and my family down. I want someone who has kids and is willing to love kids unconditionally." "She has to be mostly sane." "I want an honest and faithful person." "Communication," "I'm going to avoid women who need to be saved, that are needy. I am going to make sure that she listens and understands my view and feelings and that I can understand her views and feelings so we both can make choices together for our marriage." "Someone spiritual, relatively happy and does not have mental issues." "Set healthy boundaries, be equally yoked, find someone who is emotionally healthy and mature and who will not only take from a relationship - one who will help me become my best self and for me to do likewise to she and her children." "Much more selective." "I know everything I do NOT want, and I'm zeroing in on what I DO want." "Very clear communication and being equally yolked in all matters (spiritual & temporal)." "willingness to work, ability to talk," "More in common.....same religion, same politics," "A loving woman," "I will only marry LDS," "I know what I will never put up with in a spouse." "Finding someone I can trust." "No mormons," "Not dating women with damaged personalities or whose nature is less than positive."
THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I will take seriously protecting myself & getting to know her really well"
"Getting to know them well. Seriously weighing their past decisions and character." "I am taking my time, vetting as much as possible, asking for help from above in this process... Sometimes I dont think Im getting help from there.. So its challenging..." "looking for the red flags I should have noticed before. Discussing the things that are important to a relationship before getting married. The church does a HUGE disservice to the young adults by making sex a taboo subject, when it needs to be discussed before marriage." "My first marriage happened from a long distance relationship where we hardly knew each other. If I am blessed to find a beautiful daughter of god to take to the temple again I will make sure we know each other, that we truly understand what we are doing and that we are ready to walk that road together side by side."
FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "Things I will do better for her this time....."
FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "We both need to be right with God"
"we have to love our self enough to know, we must have God involved through out the relationship to make it back together with God, for time and all eternity!!!" "Staying active in the church. Keeping the gospel a priority." "My ex-wife and I got lazy with our personal and couples prayers and scripture reading. Today, I am trying to make my personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ along with personal prayer and scripture reading central to my daily life and routine and when I am ready look for someone who is doing the same." "I definitely have to have a temple worthy partner who is truly converted to the gospel. When we are both focusing on being Christ-like, I know it will help strengthen the marriage."
MOST FREQUENT ANSWERS: "Other...."
"Going on dates meeting people and gaining new friends." "i have a girl friend now in the church but i cant see it working, she is very dominating. I don't know how to change it," "I made those changes long before I divorced and I insisted on her doing the paperwork through intimidation because she did not want to divorce and wanted to work it out. I did not love her anymore." "None-I'm done with relationships." "Yes, Now I can choose what actions I want to live with. Now I have a set of standards different from my youth, I also feel I am worth loving." "I am glad my ex left... I would never have left and it was the worst situation I (or my children) could have been in. It has still been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I wish many times to have never met the person." "Of course I wish things would have worked out, but they didn't and so it was necessary to divorce. I think we are both good people but our personalities just didn't mesh all the time. I think we had some wonderful times as well. We just couldn't seem to work through the conflicts. It was my first marriage and her second and she already had three children whom I adopted. We married seven months after we met which was right after her divorce, so that was probably too soon for us in that situation (or maybe any situation). I attended a seminar put on by Utah State Extension called How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette because my biggest fear is being attracted to the same type of person. Not that the person is bad, but our personalities need to be a much better match for each other. My ex- wife and I can be good friends; we just had a hard time living together." "Run forest run," "Just looking for a gun," "Not looking for a third marriage. I'm 63 now." "Married an only child who's parents had/have a long happy marriage." "Not looking. Other than great friends'" "stay single and no LDS women."
FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I need to work on myself first"
"I have definite things that are important to me and my eternal salvation. She must meet certain criteria. But most of all, I'm working on becoming a better person." "Even with disability you can do something. Just have to figure it out." "Make sure I act more like a real man and stand up against abuse. Marry someone who loves me back." "I have reviewed all my previous relationships and realized that they were all fundamentally the same person. I have thus, changed the profile of the kind of woman I am looking for." "Self examination and improving how I help around the house and not spending too much time on computer or TV." "Self- improvement." "Be completely morally clean myself; not base the relationship on sex or emotional need. Be emotionally/spiritually healthy myself. To know my real value as a man - before God and to family & friends. Trying to find a new professional direction, so that I can be confident in my role as a man and ability to provide, so that a good woman will see I can provide, and working hard to not be a rescuer to troubled women." "Using a very open and honest approach. Not that I lied before, but I'm making sure to openly admit my weaknesses and faults. Expecting the same in return. I think it's important to let the other person have as clear an idea as possible about what they're getting into, so they can judge for themselves if they think I'm worth the investment required, and vice versa." "muscle testing released trapped emotions," "A more realistic view on what a marriage is and who people are." "I will be absolutely honest and faithful to my next partner, and include the Lord in our relationships." "Trying to put my life in order and bring my children stability," "just an ongoing, life-long effort to be more kind and attentive," "staying healthy, making new friends," "Still trust Heavenly Father. I was afraid it may end up this way but HF ask me to go through with it. Its been hard but I love my children so much and where would they be if I were not the father," "Learned a lot about myself." "Not listening to society or those pressures, listening to my head and heart instead. Maintaining a balance between love and logic." "I will be more direct and blunt," "Take more responsibility for what I did/do wrong. She left me with for a woman but I was challenging at times. I needed to be more patient and will be in my next relationship." "finding compatibility and mental stability in a partner," "I have shaped into a better person," "I am working on being less stupid, listening to others more communicative and cooperative. I hope my current, 2nd wife and Sweetheart of 20 years now, notices." "I have made friends with single men and women. I attend singles functions with varying degrees of frequency (the 'single scene' can get depressing at times and I tend to back off now and again). I look for ways to make myself a better 'marriage prospect'." "honesty is the best policy," "I need to overcome addiction." "Open eyes, staying worthy and being totally honest." "I realized that I had been attracting different versions of the same girl and had to figure out why and take measures to alter that sad fact." "I will do ANYTHING to stay together and FIX the problems EARLY!"
SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I am looking for specific traits in her"
"Learning new things, open to learning, progressing." "She not being gay," "Find a spouse who is a church member and truly wants to live gospel principles," "Many. Outlook, emotional, expectations, etc." "Find someone with far more common interests," "I want a friend," "Finding someone who's personality is more compatible with mine." "I have more experience now, and perhaps I've changed what I want in a woman due to my divorce." "I will only date emotionally and mentally stable women. I look for someone who can work through problems WITH me and wants to be with me. I expect the same of myself." "I would want someone who is happy being themselves and wants to support me rather than tear me and my family down. I want someone who has kids and is willing to love kids unconditionally." "She has to be mostly sane." "I want an honest and faithful person." "Communication," "I'm going to avoid women who need to be saved, that are needy. I am going to make sure that she listens and understands my view and feelings and that I can understand her views and feelings so we both can make choices together for our marriage." "Someone spiritual, relatively happy and does not have mental issues." "Set healthy boundaries, be equally yoked, find someone who is emotionally healthy and mature and who will not only take from a relationship - one who will help me become my best self and for me to do likewise to she and her children." "Much more selective." "I know everything I do NOT want, and I'm zeroing in on what I DO want." "Very clear communication and being equally yolked in all matters (spiritual & temporal)." "willingness to work, ability to talk," "More in common.....same religion, same politics," "A loving woman," "I will only marry LDS," "I know what I will never put up with in a spouse." "Finding someone I can trust." "No mormons," "Not dating women with damaged personalities or whose nature is less than positive."
THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I will take seriously protecting myself & getting to know her really well"
"Getting to know them well. Seriously weighing their past decisions and character." "I am taking my time, vetting as much as possible, asking for help from above in this process... Sometimes I dont think Im getting help from there.. So its challenging..." "looking for the red flags I should have noticed before. Discussing the things that are important to a relationship before getting married. The church does a HUGE disservice to the young adults by making sex a taboo subject, when it needs to be discussed before marriage." "My first marriage happened from a long distance relationship where we hardly knew each other. If I am blessed to find a beautiful daughter of god to take to the temple again I will make sure we know each other, that we truly understand what we are doing and that we are ready to walk that road together side by side."
"More discussion about how things as will be as married couples about sex." "Taking the time to get to know others more fully beforehand or before going out." "Date longer," "Looking deeper than the surface of people, paying attention. taking my time to get to know them." "I will not marry someone with as much of a "past" as my RM ex had (but claimed to have left behind). She ended up going back and then some to every bad choice she ever made. My life is by no means spotless, but my desires are toward living a good and moral life and raising my kids to be the best people they can be. As I meet people I keep that in mind and will choose a spouse that shares those goals in a demonstrative manner." "ALREADY MARRIED, BUT I WAS MORE CAREFUL TO GET SOMEONE WHO KNEW HOW TO LOVE OTHERS INSTEAD OF JUST HERSELF," "Prenup! Second spouse was a scammer!" "Watch for red flags." "Understand narcotic behavior and red flags." "Prenup." "BE VERY CAREFUL."
FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "Things I will do better for her this time....."
"There are too many to list here...most important ones are to pay closer attention to her needs...do little things and help her to open up and talk things through. Invite her to pray, read Scriptures and regularly attend the Temple." "Self examination and improving how I help around the house and not spending too much time on computer or TV," "I will be absolutely honest and faithful to my next partner, and include the Lord in our relationships." "I know I have to have better communication throughout the marriage. My ex and I started well but didn't continue. Also, definitely have to have a temple worthy partner who is truly converted to the gospel. When we are both focusing on being Christ-like, I know it will help strengthen the marriage." "Being more compassionate and try not to fix their problem. Be more understanding and not take their words personally." "Be more tolerant." "Being more patient." "Never to take for granted that all is well, to ask more questions about haw I am doing to serve as head of household and if there's anything that I can do to improve the relationship." "Be loving and better," "When I am cold, I get her a coat. When I am hungry, I get her something to eat. I put her first in all things."
FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "We both need to be right with God"
"we have to love our self enough to know, we must have God involved through out the relationship to make it back together with God, for time and all eternity!!!" "Staying active in the church. Keeping the gospel a priority." "My ex-wife and I got lazy with our personal and couples prayers and scripture reading. Today, I am trying to make my personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ along with personal prayer and scripture reading central to my daily life and routine and when I am ready look for someone who is doing the same." "I definitely have to have a temple worthy partner who is truly converted to the gospel. When we are both focusing on being Christ-like, I know it will help strengthen the marriage."
MOST FREQUENT ANSWERS: "Other...."
"Going on dates meeting people and gaining new friends." "i have a girl friend now in the church but i cant see it working, she is very dominating. I don't know how to change it," "I made those changes long before I divorced and I insisted on her doing the paperwork through intimidation because she did not want to divorce and wanted to work it out. I did not love her anymore." "None-I'm done with relationships." "Yes, Now I can choose what actions I want to live with. Now I have a set of standards different from my youth, I also feel I am worth loving." "I am glad my ex left... I would never have left and it was the worst situation I (or my children) could have been in. It has still been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I wish many times to have never met the person." "Of course I wish things would have worked out, but they didn't and so it was necessary to divorce. I think we are both good people but our personalities just didn't mesh all the time. I think we had some wonderful times as well. We just couldn't seem to work through the conflicts. It was my first marriage and her second and she already had three children whom I adopted. We married seven months after we met which was right after her divorce, so that was probably too soon for us in that situation (or maybe any situation). I attended a seminar put on by Utah State Extension called How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette because my biggest fear is being attracted to the same type of person. Not that the person is bad, but our personalities need to be a much better match for each other. My ex- wife and I can be good friends; we just had a hard time living together." "Run forest run," "Just looking for a gun," "Not looking for a third marriage. I'm 63 now." "Married an only child who's parents had/have a long happy marriage." "Not looking. Other than great friends'" "stay single and no LDS women."
53. Do you honestly feel like you did everything you could do to save the marriage?
1. yes........................................................................................................................................73.64%
2. no..........................................................................................................................................26.36%
54. Over all, which social groups in your life were the most supportive? In order.
#1-FAMILY..................................................48.06%
#2-FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH..24.81%
#3-WARD LEADERSHIP.............................15.50%
#4-HOME TEACHERS..................................6.20%
#5-WARD MEMBERSHIP.............................5.43%
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| Family is the best support group to victims of divorce. |
55. ANY OTHER COMMENTS?
1. "The best time to avoid a divorce is to get help when the small things start to cause problems. I'm where I'm supposed to be now but I tried to fix the marriage too late in the process."
2. "Put God First. When going into marriage, leave nothing to question. Even the smallest may make a difference. But if it does, maybe the choice was not so great as you thought. But allow for problems. There will be problems!!!"
3. "I feel everyone did all they could to help me, but I rejected help. My attorney was my greatest advocate. She did exactly what was needed under the circumstances of my divorce. Yes, it was very expensive, but I gained extensive knowledge of family law along the way. I would recommend her and my ex's attorney to anyone in the future."
4. "I have spoken to dozens if not hundreds of women and some men in the Church since my divorce. My feeling is that from what I was told...while there were some occasions when divorce was justified...most were not...in my opinion. I feel that too many women leave marriages for frivolous reasons destroying their families in the process. It has become too easy for them. Few Priesthood leaders will sternly counsel women as they do men about their responsibility to their husbands. It is assumed it is the man's fault when in many cases it is not. The Church Presidency will issue Temple Cancellations against the husband wishes when the husband was faithful. Most men are financially, emotionally and spiritually destroyed in the process. They are sometimes alienated and separated from their children whom they love and want to be with. They are often financially ruined and saddled with financial burdens that prevent them from being seriously considered by other women. They are sometimes in jeopardy of the law for not being able to meet court ordered payments. It is a wonder that as many men remain morally faithful in the Church as do. It would be much easier to engage in relationships that have no financial responsibilities to them. I struggle to remain active and faithful while searching for a new mate...but it is difficult."
5. "Thank you for doing this. No one wants to talk about this, no one wants to hear about it. It is important and needs to be heard. We have a voice, we are important too. I hope that this information can get into the hands of the church leaders."
6. "Repeating, unfortunately, the Church is not set up for Divorces.. It's a Family Church... There is no paperwork, books, etc., that I have ever seen on this terrible tragic situation that a large and growing larger group of Church members find themselves thrust into.. Do NOT tell me about Singles Dances!!!! If you do, then it is obvious, you have never Chaperoned one or been involved with one... The Dances are only maybe ok for the youngest Singles that are not married in the first place... As people get older and get divorced, I promise you, they will NEVER go to any Singles Dance, as if there would ever be Dance created for their age group!!! As a Divorced, older man in the Church, I find myself totally "lost" from the Church.. No one is looking, no one is counting, no one knows how to talk to you, no one apparently really cares to get to know "that single guy who always sits on the front row every Sunday"... It is, what it is, and that is very, very sad... If it were not for my Testimony, I would have given up on the Church awhile ago after this happened to me.... I hope and pray that someone, please, SOMEONE, will read this and think about all the "invisible" single people out there in their own Ward, and perhaps find a way to bring them back into the family circle... Because they have been thrust out, and it is lonely outside... I love you guys and gals for doing this !!! Thank you for your time and efforts!"
7. "This survey slants the survey that it is the man who committed infidelities, moral transgressions. In my case, it was my ex wife who dated/slept with other men during our marriage and still continues to do so this day as card carrying temple recommend holder. It disgusts me that I feel the ostracized judgmental glares from members who don't even know the whole story about my ex-wife."
8. "My Bishop uses the phrase "with decision comes direction" an awful lot. Ponder this. Because all too often, we think that it is only our decisions that alter the direction in our life. Yet, when the one whom you love, decides she/he is not happy with themselves and/or whatever else is going on in their lives OR is attempting to use another's testimony as their own, we are not always in control of the decision making process. When this happens, and we must choose our direction due to another's decision, it is far easier to accept change and chart a new course when, after we have done EVERYTHING in our power to make things "work", we wholly submit ourselves to our Father's Will and the love and comfort or our Savior, Jesus Christ."
9. "They just don't get it."
10. "I wish there were more 'married' help classes. Most classes are for after the boat is sinking, as an Engineer, I prefer to do preventative maintenance and handle before they become issues or thoughts of divorce."
11. "We were forced to be separated for 14 months due to the US immigration system. It was during that 14 months, to my best knowledge, that the affairs began. She cheated with at least four different men (all Hispanic like her) and had a baby and is still with the 4th guy."
12. "I hope the information you gather will help someone who really needs it. Good luck!"
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| Both the ex-husband and the ex-wife struggle financially after a divorce. |
13. "Some bishops/stakes make repentance too hard. I don't feel like I'm being forgiven. This would easily lead to people falling away from the church. They can blame the sin all they want, but when someone tries to humble themselves and is met with too much chastisement and degradement it is really sad. It will also affect the children. I feel my ex will be treated too harshly and that won't be good for our kids at all. My teenage son is already leaving the church because of that."
14. "The church has failed the members who are in our situation. I've lived in 3 wards since my marriage began to fall apart and only one bishop I could say cared. Though even he had no clue how to help."
15. "I just pray that I can put my life together some day. I have found much better friends outside the church and that is unfortunate but true."
16. "Thank you for doing this study. I once posted on a church related site that it is both fortunate and unfortunate that the church members cannot understand and support members going through divorce. Fortunate, since I wouldn't wish divorce on any one. Unfortunate, because members going through divorce need a lot of support. One of my goals is to offer my support when possible and appropriate to others going through what I have."
17. "God bless you too."
18. "My divorce remains completely unnecessary and yet there was no other option available. I know what she was capable of doing and I would never have seen my children again in this life had I not filed. If two people can come together even in small degrees then a joyful union is possible no matter how long it takes. The question is can they both be patient enough with each other and themselves to allow it to happen."
19. "As I mentioned in the first question: we as a Church don't know how to deal with divorce (men in particular). If we have basically done everything right and are striving to be the ideal family, we usually don't know how to deal with those who have had big problems in their lives such as sin or divorce (it's easier to relate to sickness/death in family). We have been so ingrained as to what the ideal Mormon family looks like (The Osmonds, the Homefront commercials from the 1970's), we are so caught up in "be ye therefore perfect" that we don't handle reality very well, and don't know how to relate to real world issues. No one knows how to deal with divorced men (they at least will always pity the women, believeing it is the man's fault - Pres. HInckley's statement in April 2004 General Conference blaming men for nearly all divorces doesn't help). On a related note (and much more involved topic, on which I am developing a detailed position paper): It is time we as a Church LDS Culture have a MAJOR (and openly direct) discussion about sexuality, and about Porn and sexual addictions....not just from the POV that "it's bad, don't do it", but also that within marriage, sex is wonderful, these other things are truly damaging: physically, emotionally, mentally - not just spiritually....and that most people fall into into/get sucked in accidentally/by a friend/peer pressure...very few are the stereotypical frat boy - trying to score with every girl around... Many give in to curiosity, or to peer pressure, or to intense crushing loneliness; others get involved because of experiences and influences similar to getting hooked on alcohol because you unknowingly drank the punch spiked with vodka at the High School dance, or by getting lung cancer from breathing second hand smoke for 20 years because your parents are both smokers. Most want to find a way out, and to finally be able to get out for good....without feeling constantly condemned for this weakness/self-inflicted mental disorder...and it's not just men - a good chunk of women also have these temptations/issues. Men are wired for visual stimulation, women for emotional response. Both genders are equally vulnerable to these influences, though in different ways. Both genders are subject to intense biological and emotional needs, cravings, and desires to be fulfilled. We tend to shame those who give into these urges, which only pushes them further into the shadows. Rather than shaming those who are struggling with sexual addictions/desires, when they need to be treating them with love and kindness and as helping them overcome a mental illness, or a smoking/drinking addiction. Granted…there WILL be some that have no interest in changing/repenting/conquering addictions, but they tend to be far less among LDS than what is generally thought. I have much more written on this topic..."
20. "This is my 3rd divorce, the other two would or might have different answers."
21. "Can't wait to see the results!"
22. "I think Church counseling through LDS Family services needs to be more professional and experienced, and professionals should be immediately sought out to help by Church leadership, because sometimes Church leadership doesn't know how to help in delicate and severe situations."
23. "Thank you for the survey, in its own way it was therapeutic for me."
24. "As much as the research is better than nothing, I don't believe it's a cookie cutter situation and the (survey) emphasis is on external support rather than core values and personal responsibility."
25. "Church counseling sucks, no help, Stake presidents washed their hands."
26. "We were married 31 years - 25 were great. I tried everything to save our marriage after she left. I never wanted a divorce and was still willing to work it out, regardless of what she had done. I know I'm not perfect, and the one regret I have is, that I think I subconsciously withdrew myself when I realized she started to phase me and the Church out after I found out 6 years before she was involved in outside interests behind my back. I should have brought it more to a head earlier to try and resolve it, but I stuck it out for our 4 children, the oldest leaving for a mission. She at least had the decency in her own mind to leave when the youngest turned 18. I don't understand why when someone has crossed the line, that they don't realize a loving spouse would still be willing to forgive them. They then loose the spirit, don't feel comfortable around it and seek relationships outside of the Church."
27. "Many leaders fail to understand or do not want to understand the financial burdens a single parents with children are those paying child support. Single parents are barely getting by. If we can afford the gas we can't afford the babysitting nor the entrance fee. As many single say we are the ugly step children that nobody wants to admit to."
28. "Why can't things like pornography, infidelity, abuse and the like be entered into the courts as to who is at fault, etc. ??"
29. "The brethren get it, they hear all day long from the singles in the church. It's the membership that need to get this. As a married person, I must say I had no clue what my single ward members were going through. As a HP group leader, I tried to be supportive to a couple of the brethren in my quorum. More training for our leaders is essential. I have found that women in the church work toward and hope for their x husbands to go inactive and do not realize how effective they are. The men just look for future peace for the most part. I can not remember the last single event I attended that multiple sisters have not bad mouthed their x husbands. When I meet some of these guys they are good men, not perfect who is but good guys doing their best. Charity never faith unless you're a divorced Mormon woman, then watch out! LOL."
30. "In cases of High Priest membership, actions are brought by Stake leaders rather than Ward leaders, so questions could be adapted accordingly."
31. "I worked very hard to have a good relationship with my ex and we get along quite well, but it took a lot of work on my part. We both participated in all aspects of the children's life, school and social. We would go to parent teacher interviews together and the kids activities together. The kids were the ones who benefited from having both parents in their lives and know that both parents love them. We feel that both kids have turned out ok, both are university graduates but neither are members of the church."
32. "It is a very big step to divorce, but I do not regret it now. I really did not want to at the time. It was extremely difficult for me. And it took me a year at least to get over it. I realized that the person she portrayed to me was not the person she really was. It was a shock. She claimed that the church made it impossible for her to be herself. Whatever that means.. Anyhow she made the divorce very difficult. But eventually it was done with. But as one knows it is very taxing on one's emotions."
33. "I was disappointed that number 53 did not include a choice for "friends that are church members but not in your ward." They were absolutely the most helpful of all. Many of the friends I've met in the church over the years who have stayed in my life are as important to me as any sibling, cousin, aunt or uncle. Only my parents and my children hold a closer place in my heart."
34. "This is a very good survey and starting point. Not sure what your intended purposes are, but the number one problem in divorces I believe is undiagnosed mental health issues, and along with that are symptoms of unhappy marriages, unrealistic expectations etc. which result in divorce. The Church is so behind in addressing this, and many families will continue to be destroyed. I get tired of talks from the pulpit about men who abuse women, when the opposite is not addressed equally. We do not talk about setting healthy boundaries and being equally yoked - we teach men to do more for their spouse - which actually makes them expect things unrealistically. We poison our own water in this regard... and if dealing with emotionally mature men and women.. this is the right approach, but when dealing with those who expect golden treatment, this provides them a misguided world view and they demand and demand and demand... I was married to an emotional black hole, almost lost my soul trying to make her happy... would plead with the heavens for interventions - her filing for divorce I see now as an answer to my pleadings and the still small voice whispered... "You are released from your contract with her- have peace" and I have... but she has become a darkened soul... her lies have followed her.. not sure when if ever she will come clean. I have reached out to her existing bishop telling him she is not paying support and continues to try and abuse the kids so they won't want to live with me... he should hold a bishops court, but they all shy away from facing the hard truths of mental illness. Doubtful she will ever get the help she deserves. Her father abused her ... I experienced mental, physical, verbal and sexual abuse. She would demand $3k a month in spending money in trade for sex... that is pretty broken... perhaps as broken as it can get... pleadings in court were ignored, everyone wants to be so kind and gentle, that abusers are not held to account.. hence no repentance process has been engaged and her patterns persist, passively aggressively... and the children still suffer."
35. "I would like to know of the results and what good my responses have served."
36. "I have spent a LOT of time studying this subject. I even helped make a video about how to treat your children that was required to be seen by all divorcing couples in several states including Utah. I would love to help you and anyone else get a better handle on what to do about this super tragic problem in our society and more especially in the Church. This survey did not cover the prejudice that I experienced when I had to move. That is a whole topic in and of itself. Even years later after I remarried, to this very day, I still get that prejudice."
37. "I believe that the church should stay on as high as ground as possible and be a patient as possible but that divorce should be a very, very last option in the church's view and that Bishops and other leaders, like they are told should not advise someone either to divorce or not to. But be stewards in leading people to focus on Christ like living. That being said yes there are some very, very difficult cases including those where some may need protection and safety, however I believe that the Church and the leaders should not become part of the judgement process either legally or socially. The role of the Church is to bring people to Christ and those roles should not be confused."
38. "Remember that you attend Church to be close to your Heavenly Father. If someone there is not supportive or is gossiping, that sin is theirs. How you react to it is yours. The Lord does love us one and all, married or single. There are far worse things in life than being single."
39. "The church needs more help supporting those with same sex attraction-Not enough is being done. We Need Love-Change-And Programs to Help Us Change-Especially, if we want that change."
40. "My Bishop told me that since divorce isn't a sin that my wife could date other men while we were still married and there wasn't anything the church could do. While I agree that this is true, I don't agree that they should not offer the council to stay married when ever possible."
41. "I have an unshakeable testimony of the book of Mormon and the restoration. I sustain our leaders and always maintain myself temple worthy. That being said, the policies of the church and the leadership at the top are very discriminatory toward men who have been divorced, from the pulpit at general conference they tend to put all blame on men and the members are taught through these policies and naive brethren to be very judgemental towards the men and sympathetic to the women."
THIS IS THE END OF THE RESULTS FOR THE SURVEY FOR LDS DIVORCED MEN
Thank you to all who have taken time to share with us of your experiences, and for all of your very helpful input!
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