SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 9

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part nine of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

                                    QUESTION 39

A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

39. WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE IN YOUR EVERY DAY LIVING FOR SURVIVING            

      THE DIVORCE, AND FOR STARTING A NEW LIFE? 

•  "I VISITED THE TEMPLE OFTEN"

1. "temple, prayer, reading, exercising, going to college and gaining self esteem."
2. "going to the temple and staying active with friends."
3. "Going to the temple a lot!! Reading scriptures and praying. Exercise. Talking to friends."
4. "Prayer, scriptures, staying active, and special focus on attending the Temple - Depended on strength and blessings for my children."
5. "Frequent trips to the temple were essential for my spiritual and emotional well being. I developed a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. His spirit has guided my every foot step before, during and after the divorce."
6. "Tried to stay close to the Lord, stayed active in church, went to the temple."
7. "The temple, prayer, scriptures, reading books about surviving after divorce."
8. "The 'Single's scene is a tough one, I made it a goal to stay temple worthy, and visited the temple more often then before. It was the only place where I could find peace and added strength."
9. "Lots of prayer, going to the Temple weekly as much as possible,"
10. "I doubled my temple attendance during the divorce and after. I needed it so much. It really did help."

COUNSELING DURING DIVORCE CAN BE VERY BENEFICIAL

• "I SOUGHT COUNSELING AND/OR THERAPY."

1. "Went to the Great Life Trainings."
2. "Therapy and support of friends outside the church."
3. "Therapy, 12 Steps, and staying active in Church."
4. "Both therapy/counseling,"
5. "Counseling, self-improvement, prayer, support of family and friends."
6. "Therapy."
7. ""Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."
8. "I went in active and sought escape, finally went through therapy and came back to church."
9. "Counseling, alternative therapy, massage."
10. "Therapy, exercise, love from my kids, and support from family and friends."
11. "Counseling, life coaching, friends."
12. "I went to counseling for a short time, and read lots of 'self-help' books."
13. "I sought professional counseling to help with my sons anger toward me. We did individual and family counseling for he and I."
14. "I attended a support group. Worked with some natural alternative healing to improve my health and manage my stress. I continued to see a counselor. I went to the temple frequently. I went to lunch with friends. And I determined not to date until I felt centered, calm and ready."
15. "I am worried that I will never recover financially from this divorce. I was a stay at home mom & have found it really hard to reenter into the work force. I have been unemployed 3 times in the last 6 years. I am currently seeking counseling to help me deal with the anger that keeps recurring. It is helping and I am making progress in moving forward. I still anger at his lies to my children and their buying into it. I have been on anti-depressants a couple of times in the last 6 years to help me get through the toughest times."
16. "Kept working. Private therapist made a huge difference in how I viewed the betrayal, and my ability to move forward in my life."
17. "It was helpful to go to counseling and to have an unbiased listener who had had previous experience with personality disorders. It was very validating to hear that I wasn't wrong in getting out, for a change. He fooled everyone else, so I felt very alone in my efforts to escape." 
18. "My family, consisting mostly of brothers, did not have the patience to listen to me, so it was nice to be able to talk to someone. We females process through talking. We work things out in our heads and try to make sense of it all, but few want to listen. Divorce is a very toxic subject and it is too much for most people. My counselor was great if for that alone." 

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?

• "I CLUNG TO FRIENDS."

1. "Friends. Work."
2. "Talking about it, and exercise were the best stress reduction methods, and prayer."
3. "Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."
4. "talked to ask many people as I could, cried alot, went to counseling for what he put me through."
5. "Hooked up with others to keep from being pulled back to ex."
6. "Chocolate and friends."
7. " spending time with friends, forcing myself to spend time with people on really dark & depressing days,  talking."
8. "For me I needed to talk it out to my friends and family. Conversations were so necessary."
9. "I allowed myself to cry a lot to get it out. I talked to those who were supportive in order to sort out my feelings and to make a plan for my future."
10. "CLINGING TO CLOSE ASSOCIATES."
11. "I had only a few friends who were not fooled by him and who stood by me to the end. I moved and made a new set of friends who were also single. I loved being able to start over, but I admit, the pain from losing friends that I thought were my 'kindred spirits' for life, it hurt a lot. Friends can be such great supporters. I was always there for them, but where were they when I needed them? I guess it is better to know the true colors of the people in your life."  

WE LOSE FRIENDS, AND WE CAN MAKE NEW ONES

• "I GOT INVOLVED IN THE 'SINGLE'S PROGRAMS"

1. "Church and Institute. Sunday got me through to Tuesday and Tuesday got me through to Sunday."
2. "Started internet dating and going to singles conferences, dances."
3. "I found a 'Single's Ward' for the purpose of making new friends to replace the ones I lost. I loved feeling understood, like just being there I didn't have to explain. Automatic acceptance. I enjoyed making friends and being involved in the activities. The bishop was great. The 'Single's Ward' saved me."
4. "I attended a religion class for singles."
5. "I read many books about co-dependency. I became socially active in the Single Adult program. Counseled with the new bishop."
6. "I went out dancing with friends a lot."
7. "I had great married friends, but they could only understand so much, they were so very nice to me, and included me in fun. It got to be hard being the third or fifth or seventh wheel all of the time. I found some great single friends on a dating site, and they were extremely helpful. They made me feel like I wasn't alone and crazy."
8. "finding other strong women who have gone through similar situations."
9. "PRAYER. So much prayer, all the time. During the hard nights, I prayed for Him to wrap His arms around me and hold me tight. It was the only thing that would help me slip into sleep. That, and frequenting the message boards on LDSLinkup, to chat and banter with other users."
10. "A little therapy to find out why I married the man I did and what i could do different next time. Then, when I didn't have my kids, I went to church dances and firesides, both helpful and depressing :-)"
11. "KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, SINGLE'S WARD ACTIVITIES"
12. "I went to the Single's Ward looking for girl friends, which I found. To my utter astonishment, I found a wonderful husband as well!"  

• 
  

TAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY

• "GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING YOU ENJOY"

1. "I went fishing.... It was wonderful!."
2. "Dancing...doing things I enjoy." 
3. "I began walking and then started running to reduce stress. "
4. "Prayer, prescribed medication, got a pet- which was very therapeudic. They were always happy to see me and gave me unconditional love."
5. "Traveling."
6. "Sometimes go to the temple, movies, talking with friends and my sisters, reading uplifting books, inexpensive weekend trips to visit family or friends."
7. "listening to uplifting music."
8. "dropped everything that wasn't important.got active physically. Ran races."
9. "CLASSICAL MUSIC, WATCHING UPLIFTING MOVIES, EXERCISE."
10. "KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, HOBBIES, FAMILY."
11. "I had always wanted to write but never had the support or time. Now that I don't have someone telling me I can't, or I'm not good enough, I am taking time each day to write. I can't believe how therapeutic it is."
12. "I created a bucket list of things I want to do in this life. I have been traveling to places I have always wanted to go, I am getting back into the speaking circuit like I was before he put me in his prison, I am bike riding, I am spending time with friends and family again, I am having the time of my life. I still have a stressful life, but I am free from his prison! Yay!"
13. "Now that the kids have finally forgiven me for leaving their father, we go do lots of fun activities with their kids. I have since remarried and happily so, they are seeing me happy for the first time in their lives, and have finally adjusted to this new situation. We have grandma/grampa camps each week of the summer where we go to someplace fun together. I do dates with my grown kids one on one."
14. "Scrapbooking, journaling, gardening.......doing the things that I love."

GET YOURSELF INTO SHAPE

• "TAKE GOOD CARE OF/IMPROVE YOURSELF."

1. "Going to the gym relieves alot of stress."
2. "Being positive; reading uplifting books/articles; finding my self-worth, doing things for me."
3. "Nutritious supplements and diet to support the body in a stressful situation."
4. "Medication, and exercise."
5. "Reading, talking to my friend who is a member, and wonderful members of my branch."
6. "exercise, shopping."
7. "Mental toughness. Get up and do what you are required to do everyday and find moments each day that make you smile."
8. "Counseling, lots of prayer, the scriptures, the temple and loving my kids. I also didn't date anyone for a year after the divorce, the advice from my children's counselor. It was the best decision I made. It let the dust settle for my children and gave me the chance to learn who I was again."
9. "I tried primarily to stay positive. I actively sought new friends. I exercised and worked on myself. I spent time with my children, taking them on outing, teaching them and trying to create a nurturing environment I leaned heavily on my testimony. I also attended a one year program for victims of abuse."
10. "Prayer, Priesthood Blessings, Self Help Classes."
11. "continue with professional counseling and am finishing my degree. Focusing on building myself has been essential to healing."
12. "After many many years I got a degree for myself."
13. "Work hard and try not to dwell on it....went back to school studying marriage at the Y, trying to find where I went wrong."
14. "self-help reading, writing,"
15. "Work constantly the. I started to explore interests and started my advanced degree."
16. "Work projects, doing things I love."
17. "Anti-depressants to deal with the PTSD, therapy, and joining groups...birthday groups with work and church friends, trying to get out more, serving in the church."
18. "Took the Turning Point class on Personal & Career development and learned to write my accomplishments, what I was looking for in a spouce, learned to understand my personality and needs because with children we lose ourselves and do not pay attention to our needs. I learned to take time with my appearence for ME, like clear nail polish and brighter clothes or accessories. Feeling pretty was important when everything else was falling apart."
19. "I have had to find doctors who could reverse the damage stress has done to my body. I have stayed on strict regimen for getting my health back. Just having him gone I am feeling better every day. I am slowly making progress and see the light at the end of the tunnel." 
20. "I put myself on a schedule of working out, no matter how depressed I felt, got myself looking pretty good, bought some new outfits for the new me. I even bought new high heels now that I am not stuck with that insecure short man. Now I can be me without worrying about making him feel less about himself. It feels good to have me back."
21. "Eat right, get enough sleep (although I had to take some natural and sometimes prescription sleep aids), exercise, take time out for meditation, massage......take good care of yourself because you are the only one who can."
22. "Get a make-over, change out your wardrobe for a new look, get in the best shape of your life. Move if necessary, start over.......walk away from your past and don't look back." 

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR SUPPORT FROM YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY

• "KEEP YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY INVOLVED"

1. "threw myself into work."
2. "recognizing ex's agency to choose for himself, making a conscious decision to not be bitter, surrounded myself with supportive people both for me and for my children."
3. "Kept busy with friends, family, work, exercise, playing with my dog. And of course going to church, praying."
4. "I learned to reach out for help, rather than suffer in silence. I found a few family members/friends that were willing to help or just listen but I had to let them know what was really going on, rather than just putting on a happy face and say everything was fine."
5. "Asking for state help to supplement my own income, because we wouldn't be able to survive on our own."
6. ."I went back to school. I talked to professionals."
7. "Counseling, self-help books, family & friends."
8. "I find the phrase "surviving divorce" interesting. It sounds like cancer or something. It is not a term I would use. It makes it sound like a life sentence and something I have to endure. That is not what my life is like. If I thought of it that way, I would be ONLY surviving. The methods I use is realizing that my current life is what it is. I accept reality and enjoy every moment. I don't want to survive, I want to live. Don't you? I also help my kids do that. We live our life just as fully as we would as if I were married. If I need help doing that, I call in the reinforcements so I can make it work, otherwise we live."
9. "Surrounded myself with supportive people, went to counseling, went back to work, spent a great deal of time in prayer and fasting."
10. "Taking help when it came. That was sometimes the hardest thing to do as someone who is extremely self-reliant."
11. "I MOVED BACK HOME TO BE WITH PARENTS TO HEAL IN A HOME OF ULTIMATE LOVE, MY HOUSE OF HEALING. THEY ALSO HELPED ME GET BACK ON MY FEET FINANCIALLY FROM THE DIVORCE, AND WAS ABLE TO MOVE BACK INTO MY WARD THAT WATCHED ME GROW UP FROM CHILDHOOD. I NEVER SAT ALONE, FRIENDS WOULD PICK ME UP FOR ACTIVITIES, MY VISITING TEACHER ALWAYS MADE SURE I WAS STOCKED UP ON ICE CREAM, CLAIMING IT CURED EVERY AILMENT, BUT HER COMPANY WAS VERY VALUABLE."
12. "Turning to the Lord. I did go through a very angry period and I turned away from the Lord for a few months. I am not proud of that. I finally turned back to the Lord and sought my priesthood leader's help and support even when it was difficult for me to ask."
13. "ASKING FOR BLESSINGS EVERY, EVERY TIME I NEEDED ONE, ASKED FOR HELP FROM MEMBERS AND RECEIVED IT."
14. "I walked away from everything... I got a $2000 one time payment from family services, got me an apartment and a job I could walk to and take my kids I had no vehicle I saved up during the Summer and went to an auction and bought one for everything I had...my sisters Bishop help me get some food,beds and clothing...which I will forever be grateful for...."

KEEP YOUR FAITH STRONG, LEAN ON THE LORD FOR HIS TENDER MERCIES

• "LEAN ON THE LORD."

1. "Prayer, scriptures, support from family and friends."
2. "Tons of patience and prayer."
3. "Prayer, temple attendance, callings, scriptures."
4. "prayer and scriptures."
5. "Praying, counseling, clinging to the Gospel, church attendance."
6. "Blessings, prayer, counseling, talking to friends."
7. "Song learned in Lutheran church titled ' god will take care of you'"
8. "Prayer."
9. "I prayed all the time. I became so close to my Heavenly Father, and He helped me understand that the Atonement could lighten my burdens in this case. When I finally turned everything over to Him, I was able to breathe and laugh every day. I was blessed with a good job and was better off than I ever had been during marriage. I finally made a friend, and talking to her was invaluable. I also used very unhealthy methods that actually contributed to a horrible addiction that I am still actively fighting."
10. "I used the simplicity of the Gospel. I turned to the scriptures and prayer in my times of need."
11. "Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."
12. "Determination, scriptures, prayer, faith."
13. "Pray, positive thinking."
14. "Read BOM with sincere heart, seeking solace, comfort and understanding about the demise of my marriage."
15. "The Lord and Heavenly Father."
16. "Prayer and a ton of it. I felt like I walked my first year on my knees. I understand why people turn to drugs and such...it is a very painful experience."
17. "Teachings of the gospel, prayer reading the book of Mormon, tried to do more things with my family had to work more to support the family."
18. "Christ, faith, family support, my own strength and wisdom."
19. "Holding fast to the Church, continuing to be reliable, not talking to most people about what was going on. I am extremely resilient and just made myself keep going."
20. "Stayed active in church, kept busy with work."
21. "Prayer, therapy, reading, reflecting on Christ's suffering and his salvation."
22. "First meds, then the scriptures became my meds."
23. "PRAYER!"
24. "I did learn that my truest friend was my Savior. He didn't fix my marriage but He fixed me, every time I asked. He comforted me, and most of all through this trial and the healing power of the atonement, He molded me into a better person. He helped me to love and forgive those who had caused me pain. He took upon Himself my pain and freed me to forgive. He helped me to see that I can never fix others, but I can always change me. I listened to hymns, especially "How Firm a Foundation" ....when through fiery trials thy pathway should lie, my grace all sufficient shall be thy supply, the flames shall not hurt thee, I only design thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."
25. "Turning it over to the Lord and one day at a time."
26. "At first I turned to alcohol...then to my Savior and lots and lots of prayer and church support."
27. "My testimony of course. God showed me an open door and I took it."
28. "Prayer, faith, scripture study, positive outlook on the future. To be frank, I was SO happy to get out of the situation that I did everything in my power to be self-sufficient and happy."
29. "Just depended on prayer and the power of discernment. Kept our daily routine and schedules as normal as possible."
30. "Increase of spiritual activities."

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'NORMAL PEOPLE', EACH IS UNIQUE"
Jack Christensen

• "FORGIVE......HIM, FORGIVE YOURSELF."

1. "My method was knowing I REALLY did all I could to help my spouse. Over 20 years in counseling. Forgave him and put trust in him several time, because I believe in repentance and that people can change. I was supportive and did all I could to help him with his addiction and getting help. Faith in Jesus Christ and believing that He wouldn't want me living in the situaltion I was in."
2. "Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."
3. "The hardest thing I've ever done is to forgive him for his crimes against me. He still bothers me so I  have to remember to forgive him daily. Otherwise it festers inside of me and he is still in control. Then I focus on a dream I have for myself, and keep my mind riveted toward this end. He's ruined my past 32 years. I don't want my anger and hatred toward him to ruin my future as well." 
4. "Let it go. Don't dwell on the bad. Fill your mind with positive thinking and ideas and dreams. The healing will happen much faster if you don't stay in that ugly place. Forgive him, leave it to God."
5. "I was angry with myself for letting it go on for so long. I was angry with myself for hiding the truth so that I had no support. I was angry for marrying him in the first place and not seeing the signs. I did not always handle things perfectly during the divorce. I was so emotionally beat up that I could not give myself a break. I had to finally forgive myself and realize that I was continuing his abuse of myself. It is hard, but I have to get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts only about myself." 

FAMILY SHOULD BE YOUR GREATEST SUPPORT

• "DON'T BE AFRAID TO LEAN/FOCUS ON FAMILY."

1. "Tried to stay close to family."
2. "Friends and family got me through."
3. "Relied on the lord, my education , family, friends, ward and my children to get me through. Tried to keep busy with school so I could graduate. I appreciate my family covering for me so I could do this." 
4. "put everything into my daughter and provide for her myself." "Work, focusing on my kids, tried to be as strong as I could."
5. "Listened to music, read conference talks ... read scriptures with children morning and evening ... made fun family memories like "Harry Potter Parties" watching movies and drinking butter beer .... tried to make it as fun as possible for my children!"
6. "Any way I could. I stayed busy, always put my children's happiness first."
7. "I relied on my parents, cried to them, etc."
8. "I stayed very involved in Church, taking every opportunity to attend activities and for my son to be involved. I went to the Temple. I read lots of books. I made every aspect of my life about supporting my son and I financially and emotionally. I made sure everyday life had lots of routine so that my son knew he could count on me to take good care of him. I was always honest with him about what was going on as well. I tried my best for him to spend regular time with biological father as well."
9. "I also leaned heavily on my parents for emotional support."

SINGLE MOMS STRUGGLE WITH WORK AND RAISING FAMILIES

• OTHER:

1. "medication"
2. "Keeping things normal, but being flexible for change."
3. "There was no method. I simply took a day at a time out of necessity."
4. "meds and forcing self to go on each day."
5. "kept to myself."
6. "Nothing changed really. My ex spent the last three years of our marriage in his room. He didn't even come our for dinner. I was already use to doing everything on my own."
7. "I didn't I fell apart for a long time, felt like I had failed my children and myself. Am currently dealing with long term health issues that were made worse by my divorce."
8. "ya know, the divorce although I thought would.destroy me at the time was cake.compared to raising the kids alone, and trying to get over abuse."
9. "He still won't leave me alone, so I've learned to laugh at his ridiculous behavior instead of letting it get me angry or hurt."
10. "Instinct. Unadulterated pure survival instinct. I honestly have no idea how I survived at all."
11. "Taking care of my daughter, pouring myself into my yard, credit cards."
12. "A lot of crying."
13. "Simplistic living, church welfare and family and friends. I also walked every night! A lot cheaper than therapy."
14. "I wrote a list of the bad things he did because I am a tender heart.. when I get down on myself and start to weaken in my resolve, I read my negative list and remind myself of why I left him and why I am where I am now."
15. "Worked lots of OT, started playing lots of golf, painted and re-arranged rooms in my house..."
16. "Distraction... kept very busy!"
17. "Just struggled through. On welfare. Couldn't go back to work for a long time. My 8th child was 3 months old when he went to prison for 8 1/2 years."
18. "Right or wrong, I clung to this new man who is my husband now."
19. "Can only take one day at a time, journaling."
20. "I was very decisive when it was time to leave & file. I never looked back, after giving it my all. And I didn't separate only to get back together. I was very guarded with how much & when I told my kids the real reasons & about their dad. I found employment right away that empowered me."
21. "Just keep going. Just keep going."
22. "tried to maintain sanity."
23. "Did all I could to keep it from happening, the. One day at a time, step by step. Prayer."
24. "I went into a cave until it was over."

    

    MANY SINGLE WOMEN FINISH THEIR DEGREES

25. "Work, work, work (went back to finish my degree while working f/t at the university... kept the family going as normally as possible with their school, Church and routines... Went to LDS family services counseling for a while... tried to learn more deeply about being obedient to the Savior and His great love and Atonement, read the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, kept going to Church despite it all - as I felt the Savior would want me to - anyway! Kept on and kept trying to learn and heal and navigate through the difficulties. I tried to keep things civil but cool between my spouse after leaving that house and going through the divorce. Getting out of that house to my own place helped a great deal. I wish I could have kept better in touch with my older children as they chose not to move with me... just the younger two came. We moved 5 houses down the street so no bus routes had to change and they were neared their dad... I tried to be fair to him even if he was not to me... I felt I had to answer to a Higher Authority in the long run and do what was fair for the children and others too... He did not do the same in most cases, but on rare occasions made a few allowances. I kept in touch with my lawyer and she helped teach me my rights which helped me get through the confusion or the twists and turns in the family plan and divorce. And I prayed a lot!"
26. "Fight to stay alive.
27. "I moved."
28. "Prayer, church attendance, financial adjustments (I had to refinance my home, which I had owned for many years), counseling, asking for God's help in my efforts to forgive, support from friends. And I buried myself in graduate work (while working full-time) and got my MA. It was the only area in life where I felt that I would get back the good I put into it (meaning, do the work, do it well, and you get a good grade and graduate). I felt like everything else had let me down, including God."
29. "applied for government assistance."
30. "I kept a brave front, smiled, and didn't push people away."
31. "I moved closer to my family and took advantage of government program for job training."
32. "The support of family and friends and throwing myself into getting an education and taking care of my children whatever it took."
33. "prayer and lots of it...plunging myself into foreign surroundings....serving others....being in a natural disaster and putting others needs above myself was the best thing for me....being where no one knew me and truly starting over..."

STARTING A NEW LIFE CAN BE REWARDING IN THE END

SURVEY RESULTS FOR LDS DIVORCED WOMEN, part 8

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part eight of the survey for LDS Divorced women. 

CHRIST'S CHURCH WELCOMES EVERYONE IN EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

                                        QUESTION 38

38. HOW COULD YOUR WARD LEADERS, VISITING/HOME               

       TEACHERS HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER? 

•  "steadily come and sincerely care - make sure my son went out home teaching and kept up priesthood duties."
• "VT could have at least come to see me. But they didn't for several months at the beginning. Talked to me, called and checked up. Asked me to do things with them. Included me in things."
• "Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
• "Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
• "I think that the church should give more training to help in this area"
• "Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice."

HE HAS NO HANDS BUT OURS......

• "Support myself but mostly support my children by inviting and including them in activities."
• "They were just great.. a true blessing to me."
• "Have more knowledge about divorce."
• "Nothing better; they were all wonderful & supportive."
• "Blessings, moral support, physical help moving, place to stay etc."
• "Been supportive, I felt shunned."
• "Check in on me. I have a hard time asking for help."
• "Show me I still had worth in the ward, even though I did not have a husband any more and my home was messy because I had to go to work."
• "It would have been great to have active home teachers to offer blessings to me, but I had a great bishop who did that for me."
• "They all did a very good job. Very compassionate."
• "More regular visits, phone calls. I just needed to constantly know that I was loved and that there was someone there for me."
• "Regular monthly visits."
• "Home Teachers- Help with home projects, mentor my boys, teach boys how to do "guy stuff".

ANY SIGN OF LOVE CAN LIFT THE DOWN-TRODDEN

• "I wish they had reached out to me during the holidays, especially. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas alone were so painful. I didn't even have anyone to exchange presents with. It would have meant the world to me if someone, anyone, would have baked cookies, or sent me a card, you know?"
• "I don't fault the ward leaders. I am not one to ask for help and they can't always know what is needed unless asked."
• "I needed more help getting the house and yard in order."
• "My visiting teacher was great (RS president who had gone through a divorce too) but the home teachers were both either happily married or newlyweds so they didn't really know how to relate with my situation."
• "Visit my home. Many of my home teachers wouldn't come into my house because they needed a third person. It made me feel worse when they'd come over and stand on the doorstep."
• "Checked on me weekly, and when it was really difficult...daily."
• "My home and visiting teachers were wonderful. I only wish my home teacher had been changed to someone older or who came with his wife."
• "I was inactive, so not applicable."
• "It would have been nice to have had some support/ help but received very little; people just didn't know what to say!"
• "My kids need strong, righteous men as role models, but it's hard to get to know them since I'm a single woman. We don't "hang out" with families in the ward, so really, I guess we need them to be assigned to us."
• "I feel like we're being well supported by all our ward leaders."
• "Making visits regularly. With two sons I would be nice to have some priesthood holders to set an example from time to time."
• "Not be afraid of me. I was told once that they were afraid I may influence them."

DIVORCEES OFTEN FEEL QUITE ALONE

• "Other than the Bishop, they didn't know what was going on, so they didn't know more was needed, so I don't blame them for not doing enough."
• "They were great."
• "Not assumed they knew what was going on, not taken sides. Not treated the victims like we were the perpetrators. My ex broke all of his covenants. I broke none of mine. My children were innocent...but that isn't how we were treated."
• "Assess needs better. When I moved 6 months or so after, I had no help. I could have used more help around the house while I was mourning. Now it is no big deal usually, plus I just ask for the help I need."
• "Don't know never had any."
• "Would have been nice to have Home Teachers who actually came and Visiting Teachers who wanted to do more than just give a message - maybe help me out, give me relief in an emergency. I could not call on them for help, when I did they said no..."
• "I wish my home teacher had offered me priesthood blessings on a regular basis. I was usually too distraught to think of asking him, but I really needed the guidance."
• "They were fine. We had lived in that ward for 10 years married, and then I lived there for another 12 as a single mom. They didn't seem to treat me differently."
• "Years ago a divorced friend told me what it was like to be divorced in this church. I did not believe her, and thought it was an isolated incident. Twenty years later when I went through it myself, I had the exact same experience that she described. I could not believe it. This church that I love so much turned on me in my greatest Gethsemane. It made a horrible experience almost unbearable. Now I just do not feel wanted there. If I did not have a strong testimony of the Gospel I would never return."

GOSSIP CAN MAKE A BAD SITUATION IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAR

• "Not gossiping and being judgmental."
• "I suppose members think they have to pick a side. They don't have to pick a side to be helpful. Again, knowing the phases of divorce would be helpful. Divorce is hard. Comments like, "Divorce is always wrong." Is not helpful nor is it true. Heavenly Father doesn't want his sons or daughters to be abused."
• "I started the divorce process in 2009, finalized last spring. In all that time (two different wards) my visiting teachers never showed up to see me at all. It was difficult in both wards to get home teachers. Single sisters with children really need home teachers."
• "not to be judgmental."
• "Stake President could have talked to me rather than just telling the bishop I should be released; just because of the divorce - having done nothing "wrong". i guess he felt I was a bad example to others."
• "I needed someone to check on me. I needed help with coping with the financial disaster."
• "Home teachers could've pulled my weeds. It was all I ever asked and it was never done. New home teachers are much more in tune."
• "My first hometeachers were amazing...the second never came and really that was ok because our family was in deep pain. But we now have our amazing hometeachers back."
• "Visiting teachers who really listened and cared were wonderful, but I haven't had many of those. They are changed frequently and I have not had many who really visit like I would like. I am blessed with wonderful friends and coworkers, though."
• "Home teachers wouldn't come to my house. Visiting teachers came but RS presidency didn't come to see me once."

HOME TEACHERS CAN OFFER GREAT SUPPORT 

• "visited, called, stopped by."
• "I'm glad they didn't change their pattern of visits."
• "Provided childcare so I can/could attend Singles Activities, after divorce of course. Helped include me and kids in FHE more during divorce when couldn't go to singles activities."
• "VT's were wonderful. HT's never came until my ex passed away and then they showed up. Then the ward was very supportive."
• "I was inactive and not receiving visits from them."
• "Making sure a single mom of two sons had hone teachers period."
• "I wish I had had VTs who were good friends during this time."
• "Talked to me, spent any time at all with my kids."
• "Since moving to a new ward, I have not seen my home teachers in 6 months. Visiting teachers talk a lot about their husbands when they visit."
• "I needed my ward to become part of my family, help my children get to & from church events. I would have really appreciated if an elder would have taken my son under his wing & helped him stay active in the church."
• "regular visits would have been nice, it was like they were afraid of me."
• "just act normally, like before."
• "Home ward bishop might have been more interested in my experience and decision making process than he was in stating what was then the "Party line" of staying in a destructive relationship."
• "My home teacher was excellent. I can't remember who my VTs were."
• "My ward leaders were very supportive."
• "Home teachers would have been good. As hard as it was/is, I still need to see marriages that work with love & men who try to do good continually. It gives me hope, though there are days it's painful because I'm reminded of my loss."
• "I felt like they didn't know what to do with me, I felt like an outcast, and still do."
• "All of them were exceptional."

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, IT'S TIME FOR VISITING TEACHERS

• "Think about sitting next to a single person in church. We are not diseased."
• "Home Teachers came every month, but never really tried to serve. Visiting Teachers came or called every month and showed up when I really needed them in direct service to my needs/prayers."
• "No complaints, but I think a family going through divorce needs home teachers that will be regular, we didn't always have that. I hadn't been allowed to be active before the divorce, I wanted examples of good, godly men for my children. We had that sometimes."
• "Be a friend not a counselor."
• "Invited me to dinner or for some fun activities."
• "REGULAR VISITS, BE MY FRIEND"
• "I had a nursery leader ask me why I was in my calling, I told her I was asked by the bishop to be there, she told me she didn't think I should be around small children because I was divorced. I think people just need to understand that just because my marriage didn't work doesn't mean I'm any less of a human being."
• "more regular visits, act normal around me."
• "no idea, if they weren't my friend prior to the problem, then attention to my needs afterwards would not have been comfortable, like a service project."
• "My Home teachers very rarely visited. He is the High Priest Group Leader. I know that life is busy and I am not angry with my Home Teacher but it would have been nice to have some priesthood leader's support with my children."
• "I had the BEST home teachers and visiting teachers. There was only one calling that was "Are you kidding me?" They wanted me to do cub scouts while I was working and going to school. But to their credit they didn't issue a "calling" but made it an inquiry first."
• "I have always been there for them, in every ward we have lived. Now it was my turn to be served. I was broken, destroyed, and lower than I've ever been. The ward preferred to take their turns with the axe while I was on the chopping block." 

THE MAGIC OF A HUG

• "They could have smiled at me at church or in the neighborhood. They could have hugged my children because divorce always hurts the children and that would have relieved their pain and mine too."
• "liked dinner invitations, etc. advice would have been good...not something you have a lot of experience with..perhaps hooked me up with some who had been through it."
• "I wish even now that everyone would try to understand how hard it is to live alone. I am completely alone and it is very difficult."
• "Home and Visiting teachers should just keep on at a normal pace, being interested in our well-being, or just showing little kindnesses... kindness is so meaningful to a hurting, worn-down soul. Showing that I was still worth something, and had value to God, is vital too..."
• "Visit me! Treat me as an equal."
• "They need to give home teachers to divorced women and stop being so obsessed with whether something naughty may happen. They are worse than Muslims in that regard."
• "My visiting teachers were wonderful throughout, thoughtful, compassionate with concrete offerings of help."
• "Some have judged me ... a couple bishops saw me as a welfare case before I was able to speak for myself. At times I've felt like a mooch and right now.. I'm struggling with illness and raising a special needs child alone and I won't go to the church for help because I've been told I've worn out my limit pretty much."
• "If someone asks "Is there anything you need?" and you get an answer, please be prepared to follow through. I am not a 'needy' person, but I asked several times to borrow a step ladder so I could change a light fixture that is very high. I was promised it, and never had it carried through. Then it because a 'joke,' when my HT would visit. Sadly, it wasn't funny to me to have the one thing I had asked for laughed about. This was a second HT, sometime after the divorce."
• "They could have been more accepting and let their children play with mine."
• "Be supportive of my standing in the church. They just acted confused and forgot Who I was."
• "My home teachers were amazing and helped me with many things around my house."
• "They could have shown some compassion. After I moved my new ward went out of their way to show me love and support."
• "My ward was great. It was hard however to no longer be a family. I felt at times like a magic show act. Now you see a family, now you don't. I would have liked it if maybe someone would have sat with me in church. At times, I felt like a leper."
• "People in my UT ward have been slow to get to know me and my son. A few families have told their kids not to play with my son because his family have been through divorce. I served in the Relief Society presidency before, during and after my divorce in SC. But here in UT I teach one Sunday per month and have not been asked to do much more. I feel as though I am not needed. I don't fit in the pre-determined mold of what I should be here in UT."
• "I moved 6 months after my divorce, when I was able to buy a home. My ward helped me to get settled. They continue to keep the relationship going even though it has been several years."
• "Need to have tools for specifically helping women navigate through divorce."
• "My Home teacher was gay and would bring his lovers to come home teach us when his companion wasn't available. I actually thought he was hilarious and was very loving."
• "I felt more comfortable with the older or couple hometeachers, but just come regularly becuase having scriptures with children is even very hard, need the gospel contact.."

• "The home teachers could have followed through and fixed something when they asked if I needed help fixing something. Instead, I got the message that they knew they were supposed to ask, but they didn't really want to do it. I would have rather not even been asked. They would always call at the last second on the last Sunday of the month for an appointment right when I always need to drive to pick up my kids from their dad's place. And then when I suggested another time or two, I got the message that I was an inconvenience because I didn't fit into the schedule they expected me to. It really bothered me when my teenage daughter told me that one of them was staring down her shirt! After that I only let them come to my house once. We requested new home teachers months ago and haven't gotten new ones yet. My daughter asked the bishop to assign new home teachers for us as well. The visiting teachers couldn't have been better! Love them!"
• "My visiting teachers started to take me to lunch every month instead of a home visit to show extra support. They let me grieve over the divorce battle, listened lovingly, and never spoke a word of it to anyone once we parted. It made a huge difference to have someone to talk to that cared, a cheer section so to speak." 
• "My visiting teacher saved a spot for me each week at church. I felt like the elephant in the room when I arrived without my husband, but knew I would't be sitting all alone. That one thing alone helped me to keep coming."
• "My new leaders, Home and Visiting Teachers were very supportive."
• "They could have been more supportive in general and noticed what I was trying to say. I gave them hints of the abuse and control I was living with but they did not get it. "I'm not aloud" "No, I can't come, he wouldn't like that" "No he would be mad at me. They just didn't seem to really care."
• "regular visits, showed compassion instead of backing away."
• "Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement.Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement."
• "They did a good job but the culture of the ward was very negative towards me."
• "Acted normal, reached out with love and compassion for the worst trial of my life, especially after I'd been there for them during theirs. Regular visits or calls. I wish people had asked me for the truth instead of believing idle gossip of character assassination from my ex. I was the innocent victim. Yet they sided with him. I had been serving them and their children for 12 years. Not gossip about me. Not send me the oldest man in the ward to be my home teacher, who preached that women should never leave their husbands, every time he came over. I still live in that house but cannot attend that ward. I visit other wards even though it has been over 2 years and I have remarried. I still get treated like I have the plague."