THE 6 GREEN LIGHTS OF DATING RELATIONSHIPS

 THE 6 GREEN lights      OF dating
RELATIONSHIPs
HOW DO I KNOW IF HE/SHE IS RIGHT FOR ME?

After covering the "Red Flags of Toxic Relationships" topic in one of my previous posts, many voiced their concerns that it is too dangerous to date at all. Sometimes it is hard to believe that there really are good people out there, and probably even a match for you. Not every possible choice is extreme, dangerous, or toxic.....believe it or not, some people are actually "normal." What I am trying to help establish here is that just because you find someone "normal" does not automatically mean they are the right fit for you. We now know the red flags of dangerous potentials, so it's time to sift through the rationally functioning potentials to find a match for your personality. Now we will talk about how to find someone who is a fit,... how to know, how to find out, and how to proceed with caution.

The thought of being lonely for the rest of our lives is not our favorite option. Life is just better with someone by our side. Someone wonderful. A scary proposition, but worth the effort. 

A quick and short list of positive and negative indicators for relationships. You've met someone. They: 

1. They apologize and take responsibility for a mistake, or misunderstanding. One point for them. 
2. By being with them you feel inspired to reach for your dreams and be your best self. Another point for them. 
3. He/she is who he/she is....no games, no pretenses, not afraid for you to see their weakness and vulnerabilities. They are genuine, they can be trusted, what comes out of their mouth is what they honestly mean. Another point. 
4. When you share your heart breaks, they give honest sympathy, and show the right emotions in empathizing. He/she offers you their shoulder to cry on and gives you the proper "how terrible, I am so sorry you had to go through that, you must be so strong...." it's looking good so far. Point. 
5. Everyone has needs. The need to feel protected, secure, admired, listened to, even snuggled on occasion. Does he/she fill your needs? Point. Or do they make you feel ashamed for having needs? Minus point. 
6. Do you feel emotionally healthy when they are around? Validated? Appreciated? Then they are a emotionally healthy person themselves. Insecure people want you to feel less than you are. If you are wondering if you are crazy when they are around, minus a point. Wrong person for you. 

FIRST, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Are you coming from a failed relationship? You may believe that you got what you deserved, and that only "lucky" and "worthy of love" people find healthy relationships. The first thing you would need to do is believe that true love can happen for you. You want and need to go into this dating scene with confidence. Otherwise, "broken" people will be attracted to you. Toxic people fear confident, self assured, healthy boundary type people. Start out by being your own best friend, and by setting your sights higher this time. Decide that you do indeed deserve a happy, loving, deeply connecting, and healthy relationship. 

• BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
• BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
• BELIEVE IN FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER
• BELIEVE THE RELATIONSHIP CAN LAST

  Try to see yourself as your Father in Heaven sees you. Try to imagine the wonderful blessings He wants to pour down upon you. Remember that "men (and women) are that they might have joy." God's main purpose for our existence was to be joyful. Miserable relationships can keep that from being a possibility. We must have the right attitude going into dating. Settling cannot not an option. Unless you are determined to have a better situation next time, you will go right back into the exact problems of the past. You will pick the same broken person because that is what you think you deserve. 

EXCUSES FOR SETTLING

• This might be the only chance I get
• Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to drive me nuts to some degree
• I don't deserve to have any better anyway
• Why would someone better want me?
• Used to this kind of treatment from childhood
• I'm sure I could grow to love them
• I'm sure I can fix them, change them into what I want them to be
• They are rich and can take care of me
• They need me to take care of them

I know of a couple who met and married pretty quickly. Sheila thought that Henry was wealthy, and wanted him to believe that she lived comfortably in that world as well, and put on her fanciest outfits and drove her expensive looking, used car. Henry believed that Sheila was wealthy and put on his best show as well. Both were pretty broke. As soon as they came to realize they had both married for money neither of them had, the marriage broke up. 

THE DATING SCENE

Now that we have established that you are going to get out there and find the best companion for you, where do you begin? How can you know who they really are? FaceBook stalk them? Hire a detective?

On a personal note, I remember a date where this exploration was taken to an extreme. I was 20 years old going out with a returned missionary who was obviously wife-hunting. I'd heard he was "quirky" but had given him lots of leeway since he was tall-dark-and-handsome..... His name was Russell. First he let me know he'd be coming over early. When he arrived I was sure he was the one for me. He was very attractive, and charming. And attractive. 

Our first stop was the grocery store. Being the eldest of eight kids, I was very familiar with this place, but it was not on the top of my list of romantic dating locations. He led me to the produce section, and started giving me orders to locate certain items on his list. "Pick out a ripe watermelon." I learned how to thump watermelons and listen for the resonance which was supposed to sound like the same sound as thumping my chest. If it is too high, it is not ripe. If it is a low sound, it is over-ripe. Or you could look at the spot where it was plucked and see if it is yellow or white. It's less embarrassing then thumping. 

I pointed to one that looked seedless. He seemed satisfied, which was weird. "Tomatoes?" I looked at him. "Is it that you don't know how to pick tomatoes?" "No, I am very good at picking tomatoes, I just want to see if YOU are good at picking tomatoes." I locked eyes with him. Was this a test? Was he really "check-listing" me? 

We gathered the groceries and drove to the next "test." It was a park. He stopped and stared at the empty playground and then drove off. We stopped across town to the next park and when he noticed it was empty, he drove away again. Our last attempted park had children playing on it. He parked and opened the door for me. We walked over to the playground and he sat down on the picnic table. "Go play with those children." 

It felt like a command, and although irritated, I went along with his game. Any minute now he was going to redeem himself and do something very sweet directed toward me.  I knew about playing with children, I was the eldest child of eight after all. Eventually I became the shark (a game I played often with my younger siblings) and the children ran onto and around the "ship" (playground equipment) for safety. The five kids squealed with delight and Mr. Tester seemed satisfied. Of course, this was in the "old-days" before "stranger danger" was as necessary as it is today. 

"So.....when do we actually start the date?" I thought it was a fair question. "Soon." We drove to his house. Now he wanted me to cook the meal. Most of the dates I'd been on, the guy was trying to impress me, I'd never been on one where I was expected to impress him. I must have impressed him at some point or he would not have asked me out? Right? So I reminded him that he was the one taking me on this date, and that I was expecting him to be the gentleman. He stepped into chef role and fixed the meal, while displaying an attitude of disapproval, and I helped with a fruit salad. He acted disappointed in me. I wasn't passing this test. And the effect on me? I no longer was interested in "qualifying" to be his wife, and wondered how soon I could get home. 

The rest of the night was a series of more such tests....."massage my back"...."can you make a fire?"....and watching to see if I can eat salad and spagetti neatly. I wasn't sure if I was more offended that the material he was using was so shallow, or that he was insulting me by testing me in the first place. Can I pick a watermelon? 

We sat down to eat and he mentioned that he always likes to take women to Italian restaurants to see if they can eat spaghetti neatly. I brushed aside my modeling school/formal eating training and took hold of the end. I slurped the noodle until my face was covered with sauce. Then I took a big chunk of green salad and shoved it in my mouth. Now the red mouth was also decorated with white ranch dressing. He looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Maybe next time I shouldn't tell the gal when she is being tested?" Ya think? Can I eat spaghetti without getting sauce on my face? Really? That is a good relationship indicator? That will tell him if we will have a sound marriage relationship? Should I have brought my resume? 

There were no attempts at deep conversations, or any at all for that matter. No discussion of our dreams for the future, how many kids we wanted to have, where we stood in the Gospel, politics, nothing. Just spaghetti sauce and watermelons. "Quirky" was right. 

He surprised me the next morning by showing up to watch me teach my class of three-year-olds in Church, to see if I passed the test of "Church Callings" or "mothering" skills, I guess. So I did what any self-respecting person would do, I gave him a large picture of a tree that was part of a flannel board story, and asked him to cut it out for me while he was sitting there. I asked him to be careful going around all the leaves since I wanted to use this same tree in future classes. It was the size of four legal sized pages. It took all of the whole class time. He was not amused and I never saw him again. 

Needless to say, there are ways to figure out if someone is compatible with you without putting them through a tacky date test. Unfortunately, in any business relationship, a person would be expected to provide a resume, and often a criminal back-ground check, and drug testing. If there is ever a time when such information would be important, it would be in dating. Although a person can make themselves sound very impressive on paper. SO what is the trick to getting to know someone really well to know who they really are? 

TIME TELLS ALL 

The best test to know compatibility is the test of time. Time does indeed reveal all, if you know what you are looking for. But, there is no short-cut, learn-all-in-one-date trick. It will take the investment of your time and efforts. 

The biggest problem in discovering who the other person is in this dating scheme is that we tend to judge others by who we are ourselves. If we witness what would be considered a "red-flag" a good person tends to overlook it by giving them the benefit of the doubt "I'm sure it was an isolated incident." Given the proper tools, one can learn how to recognize the phony from the real thing. If we tend to be a fibber ourselves, we see everyone as fibbers. If we are honest people, we tend to believe anything anyone says, assuming they are also honest. 

"Time reveals patterns, provides the opportunities to observe the person in various situations and relationship contexts, and allows you to safely move deeper in open communication and transparency." 

How to Avoid Marrying A Jerk,  John Van Epp, Phd. 

The problem with the romantic notion of "love at first sight" is that they believe they have a right to skip the process of getting to know the other person because of their instant attraction. It does not. One must still do the work of learning all one can about the other person. How similar are you in opinions? How similar are your values? Do your differences blend or clash?  

  The CRUCIAL TEST OF      “COMPLEMENTARY”    

The better question to ask ourselves when dating is whether someone is compatible with us. Do we have anything in common? Could we get along? Do we know how to speak their love language? The best relationship is a complementary relationship. As an artist, we learn that complementary colors on a palette make each color look better by comparison. They do not fade, hide, or distort, they make the color pop where by themselves they may not be as vivid. Your partner should do the same for you, and you for them. 

Your differences should be complementary and not opposing. The term "opposites attract" can be meaning complementary, or opposing. The difference is whether or not it puts you at odds with each other, or supports each other's strengths. How can we know the difference? 

Joe is a penny pincher, but Suzie loves to shop. Suzie believes that therapy comes from spending money. Is this complementary? Or do we see this as opposites causing future conflict? 

Margaret loves to be a free spirit, traveling and moves from job to job, town to town. Bob's mother died when he was young and had to take on the responsibility of raising his younger siblings. His being responsible made him attracted to the free life of Margaret, something he wished he could have experienced. At some point he will resent her inability to settle down and take a family seriously. 

Jose comes from a culture where women are expected to be obedient and keep their mouths shut when he plays around. She believes he is handsome, totally into her, and loves being treated like she's special. It won't be long when she wants to be treated like an equal, like she's used to in her country. 

City boy Brian loves Jan in her cowgirl boots, and long flowing hair. It seems romantic until he learns that he has to muck stalls and can't find a fancy restaurant in town. 

Marilyn is very health conscious while Tom is a junk-food-junky. Sue believes in natural methods of healing while Bob believes the medical doctor must be called for everything. Henry is a stalwart member of the church while Karen is angry at the church. Are we building into our marriages automatic discord? Or do they bring something to the table that we lack? Fill in some holes. There is a difference. And we have to be able to decide what matters most, and what doesn't. 

Sharon is shy while Brian is outgoing. At parties Brian makes sure to bring Sharon into the group and make her feel included, yet knows not to bring to much attention to her. She has more fun at the party then she would have alone. Patrick loves teaching youth, and Sandra loves administration. Together they create a private school for high schoolers where he teaches and she is the principal. 

In other words, the more you have in COMMON, the better chance you have of staying together: culture, background, ideas for raising families, hobbies, religion, politics, financial status. The things that you do not have in common, do they COMPLIMENT or CONFLICT? 

How can I know? Questions to ask yourself:

• Do you find that you become a better person by being with your partner than without?
• Do your partner’s strengths empower or devour you?
• Do you feel admired and appreciated for the ways that you are different from your partner?
• How are you and your partner different?
• How do your differences benefit you? Your partner?
• What things upset you about your partner? 
• Do you feel criticized or put down by your partner?
• What do you respect about your partner? Not respect?

ESSENTIAL SIMILARITIES 

•  PERSONALITY

•  VALUES

•  LIFESTYLE

   

DO YOU DISCIPLINE ALIKE? DO THEY BELIEVE IN GOD? HOW MUCH? WHAT ARE THEIR MORAL STANDARDS? HONESTY IN BUSINESS? DEMOCRATIC/REPUBLICAN/LIBERAL? HOARDER OR GENEROUS? SOCIAL? LOTS OF FRIENDS? ASSOCIATIONS WITH FAMILY? INDEPENDENT/ROAMING FREE? RESPONSIBLE? REBELLIOUS? DO THEY HATE BOUNDARIES? HOW ARE THEY ABOUT HOLIDAYS? ANNIVERSARIES? THEIR MOTHERS? ARE THEY HONEST ABOUT THE FINANCES? PENNY PINCHING? SPENDTHRIFTS? 

These are important questions to have answered, and they can only be answered by giving it time. You must be with them a lot, over a long period of time, in every situation and circumstance. You must see them when they are frustrated, confused, angry, happy, content, etc.









"What if they are often gone and are too busy for me? They don't call or text me very often."

If they are struggling with making time for you, then they are just not that in to you. I'm sorry. Hormones alone will make sure that heaven and earth change it's rotation before anything keeps them from someone they are attracted to. The power of attraction is great. If it's not happening, this is not a good sign.

When I was dating my second husband (before we were married) we could not be apart for any amount of time or it would just be painful. We could not think of anything else but when we'd be back together again. Nothing could get in the way of this happening. And we were in our fifties.

And although we had immediate attraction, we continued to date to make sure that the other elements were in place for a compatible relationship. Through time we came to realize that though there were a few differences, most of them were of little importance. The better we got to know each other, the more we realized we had in common.

The biggest problem comes when there is attraction. Love can be blinding.

“Scientists have found evidence to support the old adage that love is blind. Through brain-imaging studies, researchers at University College London found that ‘feelings of love lead to a suppression of activity in the areas of the brain controlling critical thought. It seems that once we get close to a person, the brain decides the need to assess their character and personality is reduced.’ Romantic love suppresses the neural activity associated with your ability to judge correctly a partner…..”

--- How To Avoid Falling in love with a Jerk

By John VanEpp, Phd.

How can we engage our brains while enlisting our hearts? Sometimes we must refer to our old list-making habits. Write it out. Put it on paper where our brains can take a look at it. Of course, the heart might jump in and cloud the issue, but if we are being honest with ourselves, we should be better able to tally the score.

Below is a handout I have compiled from some of the ideas I gleaned from the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk" by Dr. John Van Epp, Phd. (which I highly recommend you reading). The top part is a graph that you would use that works like a sound bar on your car radio. Only instead of bass it is the development of a certain aspect of your relationship.

So for instance, you are attracted to Peter. The next level over is knowledge. How much do you know about Peter? Is he a murderer? Is he gay? Is he broke? Is he awesome? Only time can tell. As you get to know him better you can move the curser from the bottom of the graph upward.

While you are getting to know Peter, you will begin to develop trust for each other. Or not. Does he call when he says he is going to call? Is there a lot of excuse making? When you are in a bind, do you feel like you can count on him to be there for you? Move the levers up on trust and rely.

Does he ever hint at commitment? If you hint at this terrifying word, does he bolt? Does he change the subject, or show interest in moving forward in this direction?

Is your physical contact moving up the same speed as the other levers? If attraction and touch move too fast, the others might fade out of sight altogether, so keep your head and remember that getting to know each other first is imperative. Sure, hold hands, kiss. But if all your time is spent in this, your relationship may be physical only to them. If you then withdraw, they may lose interest in you altogether, when your foundation is only physical. Physical attraction alone is not enough. Although, it is a very important aspect that one absolutely must have.

To help you use your brain in your dating relationships, here is a chart. Print one out for each of your interests and gage how they rate as you go.







As a relationship develops over time, gage yourselves on this graph and watch the patterns. Is it high enough in the trust and reliability? Is knowledge being established firmly? When the graph is low in places and high in others, this is not a good sign. If attraction is higher than trust, for instance, you may have a shallow relationship.

The next part of the chart shows the level of how complimentary you are to each other. How would you rate your religiousness, as an example. Are you plus 5 and he is minus 5? If so, you will have conflict every Sunday when you want to go to church, and keep the Sabbath Day holy, and he wants to go fishing, or watch football with the guys. If, on the other hand, you are an idea-person, and he is a make-things-happen-person, you will make great ideas happen together.

If one is an optimist at the 2 level, and the other is a realist at the -2 level, you will be optimistically realistic together. Inside the oval is the safe zone for being opposites. Outside of that is the conflict zone that should be avoided.

On the left side of the page you will see the "Pros and Cons" section. Here you can write out everything you know about the person, good and bad, and rate how important those traits are to you. Do the math. Sometimes seeing it will wake you up.

When I was thrown back into the dating world I found myself with two prospects. One was a prominent and semi-famous professor in the LDS world, the other was an everyday great guy. On a trip where option number one was on the same cruise, I found a list I had written during my divorce of what I wanted in my next partner. It was 78 items long.

It had things on it like:

• Knows how to treat a woman
• Was always a good father and husband (I didn't want a guy who was always neglectful of his family and just now deciding to do better, either he is or he isn't a devoted family man)
• Enjoys camping
• Had a cause of some sort
• Physically fit, takes care of himself
• Positive attitude
• Shows appreciation 

And so on. I found the list in my suitcase as I was settling in for the night. As I read through each point, I realized that my man back home was everything I had on the list, and the man I was chasing was none of them. From then on I focussed on the one that was a better match, in fact who I actually loved the most. I was thrilled to have my mind made up for me, and it was due to having written down on paper exactly what I was looking for. 

Do you know what you want? You have a better idea after all these years, and might make a better list than when we were in our twenties....."can eat spaghetti without getting any sauce on your face," "can pick out tomatoes at the grocery store." Or the most common mistake "looks like a movie-star." 

The graph on the right gages treatment for people on every level of his/her life. Are they kind to everyone? Or just you when he/she is out dating you? How do they treat past relationships? The waitress? Their relatives? Their mother or sisters? This is how they will end up treating you when the courting is over. Nice people are always nice people, sociopaths are nice to get what they want. 

The bottom part of the page gages conscience. A person without one may not emerge as heartless for a while when pouring on the charm. Does this person know how to apologize? Do they accept responsibility for their actions or pass it along to someone else? Is it always someone else's fault? Do they feel badly when doing something hurtful or wrong? The last person you want to get entangled with is someone without a conscience, believe me.

BELIEVE YOUR GUT

When dating, like anything else, your gut instinct is going to be your best guide. If something seems off, it probably is. If things appear to be one way, but it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. First impressions are often right on. It's when we start talking ourselves out of it that we get into trouble. 

YOUR PERSONAL DATING GUIDE

 And then remember the importance of being totally prayerful in your dating experience. Discuss every date with your creator. Your eyes will be opened much better when including your God on a more day-to-day, date-by-date basis. Allow the Spirit to direct you, then follow these promptings, and don't talk yourself out of them with your limited logic.                                                              

D&C 45:57 “For they are wise and have received the truth, and have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide, and have not been deceived…..”

THE HUNTING BEGINS

Now it is time to get out there and start looking. No, they will not show up at your doorstep. You must wade through many activities and dances, maybe even for years, before that "one" shows up. Go with the intention of making friends. 

Create for yourself a group of buddies that you will look forward to meeting at future events. Hold events at your house. Be active. Don't be afraid to move around to different areas, conferences, or dances. The more people you meet, the better chance you have of finding prospects. It is called "NETWORKING." 

When my younger brother found himself back in the dating arena, he went from Single's Ward Sacrament meeting to Single's Ward Sacrament meeting. He would attend three every Sunday. When he found a woman he was attracted to, he went and sat down by her. After church he asked her out. After that they were inseparable. They now have three children. 

In the church we have Single's dances (I know, I've been to them....sometimes scary, that's why you go with friends), Single's Conferences, and in some areas they have Single's Wards and Stakes, if you are lucky. Some have been successful with on-line dating. Just beware, not all LDS prospects on these dating sites are worthy members. 

If you type in "LDS Single's" on the search engine of FaceBook, many options will pop up. Find the ones in your area and join. Some have local activities and opportunities for you to meet people. These groups have hundreds of other folks in the same arena who are also looking for friends and companions. Join many. 

And the same for men. 

Until then, continue to make yourself into the partner you are looking for yourself. Work on healing from your past, developing new interests, and making friends. 

Many people have found true-love their second or third time around. It really is possible, and it is possible for YOU. If you can do your searching with your eyes wide open, using your brain and your heart, this level of happiness can happen for you. It is so worth the effort and the time. God bless you in this effort. 

Me and my blended family of wonderful kids and grandkids. 

WHAT HAPPENED IN MY MARRIAGE? Floating Down Denial River, By Matt Millican MA

Floating Down Denial River

One of the main issues I work with in mental health is helping people figure out just what happened? What is going on? What did I do? What did they do?How did I get to this point in my life? 

Well...these questions usually take some time to answer. They don't usually come busting out of the closet on the first session, and we walk away having reached nirvana or utopia in forty-five minutes. I have to rely on things people tell me, and people don't always tell me the truth or what actually happened in a session – for a lot of reasons: They may be scared, embarrassed, ashamed of their own role in things, they may not remember, may have a psychiatric issue that distorts understanding and recollection, may legitimately not understand what happened or what they did, or they could have been lied to about what happened and what was happening. Very often, the reality of what happened to them may be so hard to grapple with, they may insist that something else happened, just to avoid dealing with reality, and therefore their personal role and even identity in these situations. And all of this leads us down that great river we all sail down in one form or another, Denial. And when we're floating down Denial River, it can be very hard to figure out what exactly is going on, and solving problems. 

Denial is a very common human phenomenon. Everybody does it. Everybody. You. Me. The person you love. Victims. Abusers. 

Why? 

Well....the human brain has to be right. The human brain has to be right more than the lungs need air. We have to not just survive physically with food and water and air, we have to have a reason for living, and that reason comes through who we are and what we do and think in the world. We need a reason to live, as well as the materials and so we have to have the correct perceptions about our world in order to function in it, and we constantly – constantly! - check ourselves and look around for information to verify our perceptions and status in the world. We have to be right about them in order to continue on surviving. Sometimes we may even have to be right about being wrong! Then we often begin to see the self-fulfilling prophesies, and self-sabotaging behaviors where people “make mistakes” and “fail” just to fulfill their perceptions and ideas about their self-image, just so they can say “SEE! I was right! I'm always wrong! (And I'm right about always being wrong!)” Or they do something to make people mad just so they can say “SEE! You hate me!” and not only be right, but also be a victim who needs more help and attention. 

In fact, the drive for the brain to be right is so strong that we will see the human mind do mental backflips and impossible gymnastics just to be right, avoiding the phenomena we call “cognitive dissonance.” Cognitive dissonance is when we have two attitudes or beliefs or behaviors that conflict with each other – e.g. I like to smoke, and smoking is bad for me. Enter the mental gymnastics. We – and I say “we” because I'm human too – begin to engage in all sorts of distortions in order to deal with the inconsistencies in our behavior and identities and purposes. 

One of the most common and easy distortions to engage in is denial. From the victim's standpoint, abusers have some of the “highest” “self-esteem” you will ever see. And why? Because they deny what they do – so they don't have to deal with reality. Then they don't have to deal with the victim, with themselves, with consequences....with anything! Just deny, deny, deny. Doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense. Doesn't matter if the evidence is to the contrary. Doesn't matter if it isn't believable! They will call the accusers “crazy” and the evidence “made up”, portray themselves as the real victim here, and keep doing what they're doing. 

And if you are the victim? Good luck getting them to admit to what they've done to you. And if they do admit it, good luck getting them to change. Often “admitting it” is just a delaying tactic used to buy time, or get people off their backs before the next rush or next offense, and then the story changes again later to how the victim lied about their admission, or they meant something else when they “admitted” it...you're very often not going to get anywhere and may just feel like you're stuck on spin cycle, going round and round for no reason. And....you might just be right about that.

In my professional experience and human experience, we put too much emphasis on admission of guilt as part of the repentance and healing process. Admission isn't a cure-all. And admission – or stopping denying – is but one step in what is a long journey to amending the wrongs of abuse, and it certainly isn't the final step (if you look at addiction recovery's twelve steps, five of the twelve steps have to do with admissions in various ways with several steps in between) .

So when we see it or hear it, we may actually be far from the finish line of resolving and healing things. My counsel to the victims? It can be a good sign when we see admissions, but don't put too much stock in it and think that it's all over and everything's downhill as soon as we get it. That's your drive right there kicking in to have validation and feel like you are right. That's really all most of us want, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt – and in an abusive situation, we don't have that! So when it finally comes, it can seem like a big relief, and as if the worst is over or there is light at the end of the tunnel very often. But my thoughts professionally are “we'll see what happens next, and then we'll know what this really is.” In some abusive situations, we may not have that time, and waiting and seeing could come with a very heavy price. And unfortunately, victims are often so disoriented from the abuse emotionally, spiritually, cognitively and socially, that getting their bearings to get to safety or even having the energy to do so may not be the easiest thing to do; they often gravitate to the first hint that things could be getting better, and set themselves up for another round of abuse. 

There are a few things in particular that I see in therapy that abusers deny. Denial of actions, i.e. “I didn't do that” followed by “what I really did was......” and again, sometimes despite evidence being to the contrary, they are going to stick with it rather than having to deal with themselves and reality. Because even the bad guys believe they are good guys. And of course, the victim is the liar for saying otherwise. 

There is also the denial of intent – what they meant to do – i.e. “I didn't mean to hurt you...” after they just got done pillaging and sacking you and your life. From a therapeutic standpoint I don't put too much stock in intentions because we are often functioning on unconscious and conscious levels that may aren't even always aware of why we do things. But as we all know “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” so getting people to wake up and face the reality of what they did is its own marathon when we're dealing with good intentions.  Having good intentions allows people to still do rotten things, but still be a good person! And here comes the victim, smearing the abuser and ruining the abuser's life by pointing out and saying all these horrible things about the abuser, when in reality, the abuser is a great person who was just trying to help! Now all of a sudden, it's the victim's fault that the abuser's life is falling apart, and they will then blame the victim for everything bad that happens afterward. And then we wonder why victims need so much help even after the abuse has stopped.

And lastly, there is denial of impact – the effects of the abuser's actions on the victim, which is closely related to denial of intent and actions. Often, the abuser has a distorted view of not just themselves and their own needs (they are humans with needs too, albeit broken humans who now break others), they often lack the ability to understand the impact of their actions on others – or they simply deny it because that's just too painful to deal with.  They will often reference someone who had something similar happen to them “and they were just fine!” and now it is the victim's fault they are suffering and again, the victim is the burden in the perpetrator's life, is ruining the abuser's life, and continue trashing what's left of the victim's self esteem and reasons for survival. At this point the abuser may have a change of heart and generously decide to help the victim, even though they shouldn't because of all the rotten things the victim has done to ruin the abuser's life; going back to the victim being disoriented earlier, the cycle can often repeat its self at this point. 

What sometimes happens is the victim will begin to think the same things, deny the abuser's impact, intent or actions. I wouldn't expect a victim to have the clarity of thought after a prolonged abusive situation to immediately, at the snap-of-a-finger, be able to cope with the full scope and reality of their abuse and its impact on them. Often victims are in denial because they have to survive emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually as well. Waking up to the full scope and reality of their situation all at once can be overwhelming and even paralyzing, so that denial can become a functional alternative. 

Now, this isn't to say that abusers don't change. They can and they do, very often. But it also very often takes a lot more than simply their victim confronting them and the abuser admitting they were wrong. It usually takes some very uncomfortable and painful interventions and time to help heal an abuser. Oftentimes, relationships have to be terminated for healing to take place. Helping abusers change, and become accountable to the public and their victims, so we don't have more victims has been the focus of my work for the past eight years working with offenders and the criminally insane.

One thing I have learned is that despite their actions, heinous as they are, abusers started out just like you and me. They are human too, and that's probably what makes the tragedy all the more painful is that a human can get to a point where they do these horrible things to another human. But knowing this, is part of the key to seeing and understanding what is happening with them and with the victim. Often, when abusers finally “wake up” in treatment to the reality of their actions, and the seriousness of their offenses begin to hit them as denial gets broken down by the counselors, they can become overwhelmed and suicide becomes a risk as they struggle to cope with their offenses. I'm not sharing this to encourage victims to pity their abusers or to even say that “abuse is okay if the abuser felt bad” because it isn't; and pitying an abuser isn't the most useful thing a victim can or should be doing when they themselves are struggling to survive. Victims have enough on their plate to deal with without having to feel sorry for someone who hurt them. Again, being able to do so might come down the road as things are reconciled and healed, and being able to say “I'm not there yet, maybe someday I can” might suffice in the meantime, but I wouldn't focus on forcing it. It all takes time and healing. 

In the end, however, coping with abuse and denial often takes a skilled, outside set of eyes to sort through and make sense of things. Many victims are ridiculed away from seeking help by their abusers who enlist the help of the victim's social supports to help – unwittingly – keep up the abuse by disenfranchising, discounting and dismissing perceptions, feelings and experiences in the abusive situations. In some more serious abuse and manipulation cases, a family counselor may not have the skills necessary, but a forensic psychologist who is skilled and experienced at recognizing, identifying and working with criminal behavior may be required. 

In the end, this isn't an all encompassing view of denial or even the field of mental health and abuse. The mental health is incredibly complex to the point that the number of variables in a single life or situation can't even be calculated let alone enumerated. While reading this, please note the use of the words "often" or "some" or "many" or "may" in the portrayals of circumstances and tendencies (note the use of the word "tendencies").  What was written in here are not absolutes, and again, are not all encompassing, and shouldn't be used as the sole basis of interpreting or identifying and working on solving a situation.  If an individual feels like they need help, I strongly recommend finding a counselor who is a good fit for them, and taking the time to have a "head check" either alone or with their partner as needs be and as they are comfortable.  

~Matt Millican

MA Counseling Psychology
Qualified Mental Health Professional

mill1938@pacificu.edu

Presently working on a book