THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF LDS DIVORCE RECOVERY WITH CHILDREN

                        FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN

I admit, I waited to divorce my husband till my children were grown and of age, so I do not have to deal with squeezing my life into raising a family by myself. I am not a "single mom." There are a few of you in similar circumstances, but only a very few. I cannot even try to comprehend the struggles of women who find themselves in this position. Even so, I will try to cover all aspects of parenting, those in my boat, and those that struggle with youngsters or teens, marrieds, or all of the above.

No matter what the age of the children when a divorce takes place, it rocks their world. It is one of the toughest trials a child can go through. Even my married children suffered immensely at our separation. Now, just a few years later, they can see that it really was best for both of us, especially since they can see us happily married elsewhere. The adjustments have been made, they have graciously accepted into their lives "step-siblings" and parents. But it was pretty rough at first.

The hard part for you is that it is also the biggest trial of your life, and you can hardly function as it is, and you are expected to help your children navigate through the disruption of their lives. Not being a super-power, let's talk about what is reality in your expectations for yourself, and what is not.

FIRST PRIORITY: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Your children are a most important priority. But the number one priority is taking care of YOU so that you can stick around and finish raising them. I cannot drive home enough the responsibility that you have to yourself to keep up your physical and emotional health, your stamina, and your happiness. Your kids need you now more than ever. They don't understand that parents are humans yet, that they have problems, struggles, bad days, or imperfections.

DEMAND RESPECT

It will be very tempting to try to compensate for their lack of two parents in the home. You will feel like you have to win them over every day or they will like their other parent more. You will be tempted to lower your healthy boundaries and let them walk all over you, believing that they will become more fond of you in the process. In fact the truth is the opposite. They will lose respect for you unless you uphold your standards.

You have some healing to do and may not be feeling that great about yourself about now. You may have been treated poorly by your ex-spouse, which the kids can pick up on. Sometimes instead of feeling angry at the parent for that treatment towards you, they believe you must truly deserve it, and they may join forces. Do not EVER let them speak disrespectfully to you. As long as they are living under your roof, and are eating your food, and wearing the clothes you provided for them, they will treat you well. If they feel the need to treat you like a landlady, you can charge them for rent and utilities and let them buy their own clothes.

Tough love will bring them around eventually. They will love you more when they respect you more.

Never fight with the ex-spouse in front of your children.

DON'T PLAY GAMES

It is tempting to try to become the favorite parent in a division. We have all heard of the "Disneyland Dad," and "big-bad-mom-for-making-us-do-our-chores." Your feelings of bitterness against your spouse should not be put before the wellbeing of your children. No matter what the custody situation is, your children's well-being should be put first. There is nothing wrong with taking them to fun places when you are together, but don't be negligent in the other aspects of parenting. This means being the best parent you can be, regardless of what the other parent is doing. 

DO:

• KEEP YOUR PROMISES (If you tell your kids you will be there, you be there)
• KEEP THEM TO THEIR FAMILY, SOCIAL, RELIGIOUS, EDUCATIONAL COMMITMENTS 
• SPEAK ONLY POSITIVELY OF THE EX-SPOUSE IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN
• BE ACCOMMODATING WHEN IT COMES TO SCHEDULES
• BE CIVIL TO THE EX-SPOUSE WHEN HAVING TO CROSS PATHS
• ENCOURAGE THEM TO BEHAVE FOR THE EX-SPOUSE
• HAVE AN OPEN AND HONEST CONVERSATION ABOUT THEIR TIME SPENT WITH THE OTHER PARENT. SHOW INTEREST. 

DON'T:

• MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN'T KEEP
• DISRUPT THEIR USUAL SCHEDULES
• COMPLAIN, CRITICIZE,  OR TELL NEGATIVE STORIES ABOUT EX-SPOUSE
• PIT THE CHILDREN AGAINST THE OTHER PARENT
• USE THE CHILDREN TO MANIPULATE EX-SPOUSE

I have a friend who is a decent guy, but because he is a male, the mother got custody of the children, which is common. The only problem was that the mother moved far enough away that visitation was a strain on this working father. His ex-wife raised the children with animosity towards their father and ostracized him from his son and daughters. 

He finally, after many years, won custody of their son in a long, drawn out court battle. He was around 17 years old by now. The son was now faced with the removal of his whole life from what he'd known, to have to live with his "horrible, neglectful, abusive father." He went into a deep depression  at this move, resented his father for this change in his life, and took his life while his father was having dinner with us. 

Whatever the motive was for the mother to convince her children that he was such a monster, and the father's desire to prove to his son that he was not the evil person like he was being told, they both ended up with a tragic ending of their son's life. Neither won. Both lost. 

Children are the tragedies in divorce. It is hard enough on them as it is, don't use them as pawns to manipulate the ex-spouse to get even, or hurt others. Always put the children first and their future welfare, as well as their present stability. 

Children need both parents. Studies show that children do better when they have both a father and a mother. Children of divorced parents do better when parents cooperate in the raising of their children then when they do not. The chances of their experimenting with drugs, drinking, running away, and promiscuity decreases when divorced parents put the children above their own selfish pettiness and do their best to provide the most loving atmosphere possible for the child. 

GET ORGANIZED

Hold a planning meeting. Explain to them that the family dynamics are going to be different from now on, and that it will take some adjusting. Let them know that it is hard for everybody, and that they can choose to be part of the solution, or add to the problem. They can make it easier for everyone, or harder, depending on their level of maturity and selflessness. Explain that you would appreciate it if they could step up to the plate for everyone else in the family, and yourself.

In the "old days" every family member had to help out on the farm or they starved. Our kids have lost a lot when the need for their service disappeared, and in this new over indulgent generation, they became like the royalty being served every minute. We are not doing them any favors by being their slaves.

Make them feel that they are needed and important to everyone in order to make the world go around in your family. Ask them if you can rely on them to be "experts" on some aspect of running the household, so that each feels needed and important. "Johnny, could you be our technology expert? You know so much about computers, and I really struggle with that. It would be great if we could rely on your expert skills to help us with any computer problems that creep up." Johnny will feel like a million bucks.

"Suzy, I really struggle with getting our Family Home Evenings together after I come home from work. Do you think you could take that on each week, give out assignments for lessons, treats, games and what ever else you think that would be fun?" Make sure each kid has something to contribute, and the responsibilities should be something that really does take some burden from your shoulders.

OTHER THINGS KIDS CAN HELP WITH:

• GARDENING
• GARAGE ORGANIZING
• REFRIGERATOR CLEANING
• MEAL PLANNING
• IRONING
• CARE OF PETS
• HOUSE CHORES
• COOKING
• PLUMBING
• FIXING CARS

Then make sure you give them lots of praise for their contribution. Let them catch you bragging to the other kids, or grandparents, etc. of their great help to you. Of course, the level of help depends on the age and abilities of the child. The main problems with parents these days is doing too much for our children, so don't be afraid to challenge them. We tend to underestimate what they can do. We only weaken them by not allowing them to do things for themselves and for others. You are now thrown into a position where you will have to pull together as a team, or it will be miserable for everyone. DO NOT DO IT ALL YOURSELF. 

KEEP THE FAMILY SCHEDULE CONSISTENT

If there is ever a time when consistency is needed, it is now. Continue to get them up at the same time, do the same process of getting off to school, the same weekly activities, chores, etc. Especially if you have had to move because of the divorce. They need something that feels familiar to them.

HEALING

Every member of the family is dealing with pain in their own way. Each will need lots of love and chances to talk. They will need one on one attention, with more listening than talking. Take them on "dates" one at a time, with attention paid to them individually. Express love regularly. Make sure they know that the divorce had nothing to do with them since children typically blame themselves for the split of their parents.

Some children at first may be more difficult at this time, they may refuse to talk to you, be closed off, and they may even blame you for the divorce. Most often the child will take it out on the safe parent because they know that you will love them no matter what. They have bottled up feelings inside that they don't know how to deal with, and they feel they have to take the anger out on someone, and no one else would put up with it. Which is unfortunate for the good parent, and it does not seem fair. But know that it is common and that it will pass with time. Be patient and try not to take it personally. Someone told me during my own divorce that "sometimes children will be your worst enemies during a divorce." There is no way they can understand what happened in a marriage between two people, since they are not one of those two people.

Remember that you are the parent. Do NOT treat your children like they are the parent, and place your burdens of pain on their shoulders. Do NOT confide in them your troubles and frustrations. They are children after all, and have enough on their plates trying to grow up sound in a household that is falling apart. Too much information about your failed relationship will not help them. You talk to adults when you need to lean on someone, and be there when your children need to lean on you. Do NOT lean on them for your emotional support. 

Counseling for your children is imperative to their healing process. Your bishop may be able to set up something for them, or you may have resources of your own, but they need to talk to someone who won't get caught up in their pain and take it personally. My children were all grown, and they still suffered greatly during the divorce. Their family counselor was a Godsend to them and I give him a lot of credit the kids came through as well as they did. 

In your family meeting, mention the importance to have dreams as a family. Try to get them to focus on the future together. List dreams that each has, and enlist them in helping to make them come true. Bridgette might have always wanted to have violin lessons. The other kids may have ideas on how to come up with enough money to pay for them. Maybe this is a good time to talk about a family vacation for the summer. Where do they want to go? Place a large jar somewhere and have each save their pennies and dimes to contribute to the vacation fund. Give them something to look forward to, and to help contribute to. This will give them a sense of importance to the family to feel like they are needed.

IN CASES OF ABUSE

If the divorce was because of abuse of any form, do your best in court to make sure their visits with that parent are supervised. Some of us are timid, especially after living with an abuser, and have a hard time standing up to him/her in court. Your children need you now more than ever to fight for their safety. 

Often vindictive spouses will claim abuse even when it is not present, and judges are getting squeamish about believing it. You will need to be prepared with witnesses, pictures, doctor's reports, police reports, etc. But there is still never a guarantee of how the judge will respond. And they seldom keep a parent from their children even under the worst of abusive situations. Do not have too optimistic expectations of the outcome. The best you can do is have supervised visitation, the worst is that they gain full custody. In this case, you keep taking it to court until you are heard. 

If they are forced to visit their abusive parent, you may plant a recording device to insure they are safe, and show evidence if they are not. Always ask them how their visit was, and listen carefully to their cues. Let them take a cell phone with them, and have them call you if there is a problem. Do not be afraid to call the police if it appears they are in danger. If you come pick them up without doing so, they may call the police on you. Abusers are great manipulators and blamers. 

Nothing rips out your heart like having to turn your most precious darlings over to an abuser, having to worry about them the whole time. Fight for them, keep them safe, and let them know that you are a safe parent to discuss their concerns with. Never give up on your efforts to keep them safe. 

HAVE FUN

Too often after trauma in a family, the joy will have fled for a while. You will not feel a lot like celebrating. It will be tempting to slump into a depression and be gloomy. As a parent you cannot afford the luxury of self-pity. It will be important to give opportunities to the children to have fun, especially when they are working hard to contribute around the house. To have well rounded, healthy children, they need to have a dose of fun with all that has fallen apart around them. Whether you have full custody or shared, it is important to have fun together. The old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" is true. Nothing is as healing as laughter. And they need to see you smile.

Activities do not have to cost money, but getting out of the house and doing physical activities together is very important. The "Proclamation on the Family" discusses the importance of healthy recreational activities, and now it is more important than ever. It is common for kids to disappear into their rooms and isolate themselves from the world. They may turn to television for relief, or video and electronic games, or even reading. This is okay on occasion, but can become the new norm if you don't make an effort to get them outside and living again. This will let them know that you are going to be happy in this trial, that you are going to survive, and that everything will be okay after all.

Only bring dates home when it is time to meet the kids. 

ABOUT DATING

The consensus among post-divorcees is that if you begin to date, do not involve your children. In fact, it is better if they do not know. Let them know that you are increasing your social life and will be going out with friends more often. Meet your dates somewhere else and do not bring them home.

When do you let the children and the date meet? Only when you have narrowed your selection down to one person who you'd like to test with your children. At this point you want to see how they interact with your children. You want to see if your children like them. Children are great for seeing through phonies. They can also be jealous of your attention going to anyone other than them. They may have "Parent Trap" ideas of you getting back together with your ex-spouse. Don't be surprised if they do not approve of your guy/gal-friend.

If they give specific reasons why they don't like them, then listen to that. Like I said, kids are good at detecting fakes. Sometimes others can see what they are like when the date is not trying to impress. You are the one being hunted, and will not always be the best judge. The information that children can impart is important. They may see some red-flags that you do not with all of their trying to impress you. But in the end, your children will grow up and move on. And you will be left with your choice of a partner. Before you take on another relationship, ask yourself these questions:

• WILL THIS PERSON BE A GOOD PARENT TO MY CHILDREN?
• DOES THIS PERSON GET ALONG WITH MY CHILDREN?
• WHAT IS THIS PERSON'S PARENTING STYLE? 
• DOES THIS PERSON WANT TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN?
• WILL THIS PERSON CONTRIBUTE POSITIVELY TO OUR HOME?
• WILL THIS PERSON ADD TO THE SAFETY OF OUR FAMILY?

Make sure that you are not bringing someone into your family because you are co-dependent and just need someone, anyone. Do not make the mistake of bringing a relationship home that will be harmful to your family dynamics. If they don't contribute to the happiness of your home, keep looking. 

If the children just object to you having a spouse because they believe it infringes on their position in your life, remember that they are too young to understand your need for support and love in your life. They have you to lean on, who do you have? Children are typically selfish creatures, do not allow them to come between you and your possible eternal relationship. You also deserve to be loved.  

Finally, remember that children need a leader. They need their parents to be firm, strong, and their life supporters. Do not fear your children, be the parent they need. Be strong, be firm, and the safe place for your children during this life-upending experience. Remember that you are not the only one going through pain. No one went into this with this end in mind. You can still have that "forever family" that you always hoped for. You are just laying a foundation that may take a little longer to achieve. 

FOR FAMILIES WITH GROWN CHILDREN

Most of the time the children are smart enough to know that you have been having problems and can see the "writing on the wall." Although, if you have been suffering from more subtle forms of abuse, they may not be able to see it or understand. Children cannot possibly understand what you have gone through, and may or may not rally to your side. Most often, an abuser will place the blame on the innocent spouse, and will convince everyone that they themselves are the victim. If the children have not had that parent's love and affection their whole lives, and are suddenly flattered and coddled by that spouse, don't be surprised if they take sides against you. 

Seldom do children feel okay about the splitting of their parents, regardless of their age. Only in severe abuse cases, or infidelity do they understand the need, but even then they may prefer the known to the unknown. They will often ask you to continue to live in horrible circumstances for their sakes. It is not a fair request, and understand that it will be a hard road for a while, but you are laying a foundation for a better future. 

• How much information you give them is up to you. If they ask questions, answer them honestly. 
• Give them advanced notice of your intentions. 
• Ask them for your support, but ask them to not get involved.
• Ask them to not get caught up in the war, and to give you both distance until it is over.
• Let them know that divorce is hard on those going through it, and to not judge their parents by the craziness of divorce battles. 
• Let them know that when it is over, everything will be fine, that you will get through it together
• Plan a family trip for afterwards. 
• Do not call them every time your spouse does something you don't like. Keep them out of your battles. 
• Ask them to not expect anything from you during this time. They may want you to babysit for them or help with their "stuff." This is not a good time to place extra burdens on you. 
• Let them know that they can contribute to this being bearable, or unbearable, depending on their level of support and understanding towards you at this time. Remind them of trials you have stood by them through, and let them know that you will need that from them now. 

It helps to establish healthy boundaries for them. They will respect you more for it, than if you let them walk all over you. You are a human being as well as their parent. This is a time for them to learn this. You cannot be everything for everybody. 

All healthy relationships are made of those who give and those who take. Hopefully we take turns being on both sides of giving and taking. When it is all one sided, it is not healthy. When children have become grown, they need to be putting back into the relationship. Do not guilt yourself because you cannot be the same level of giving as you were before. It is their turn to serve you. 

And remember that this is a trial for them as well. Be loving and patient as they work their way through it. Pray for them and love them. I repeat, the best thing I did was get them all into counseling, yes, even the married ones, during the divorce. 

CLING TO THE GOSPEL

No matter what, teach your children that it is important to get your "cups filled" each week at church. Unfortunately, many have had negative experiences from judgmental ward members who are uncomfortable with divorce. If your ward cannot show support to you and your children, even after some time has passed, you may need to move to another ward. Most often this is the case. Either way, the Gospel is true regardless of how misguided certain ward members may be. 

• HAVE REGULAR SCRIPTURE STUDY AND FAMILY PRAYER
• MAKE SURE THEY GET REGULAR PRIESTHOOD BLESSINGS 
• HAVE GOSPEL DISCUSSIONS WITH THEM REGULARLY
• HOLD WEEKLY FAMILY HOME EVENINGS
• SHARE YOUR TESTIMONY WITH THEM
• FIND OPPORTUNITIES TO SERVE OTHERS
• SET PERSONAL GOALS TOGETHER 
• ENCOURAGE PERSONAL PRAYER

Teach them that Satan would love to use this experience to chase them away from Christ's true church. Remind them that sometimes those in that "Great and Spacious Building" may be other members of their ward, and of the importance of clinging to the rod of iron. This will teach them to be resilient through trials. Your example right now will guide how they handle trials for the rest of their lives. Will they give up when things get tough? When people are cruel? When things don't go the way they want? OR, will they keep getting back up and moving forward with confidence no matter what happens to them? This is up to you. 

Be determined to be a family of survivors! GO TEAM! And God bless you in this effort.