13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY

Did you bring behaviors from your childhood into your adult relationship that may be driving your partner away? Are you dumbfounded as to why relationships are not lasting, and seem full of conflict? Does your partner seem distant, frustrated, or cries a lot? Are they spending more time with friends or family than you? Does it seem that they are not sharing their inner most thoughts with you anymore? Have they lost interest in having intimacy with you?

Often predatory types feel like they manipulated and "caught" their partner, tricking them into marrying them, and now their partner was "stuck" with them no matter what. They may have felt like a marriage license was an ownership certificate over their spouse. Modern relationships seem to be ending more often than ever in the history of the world. It is my opinion that this phenomenon is not because people are getting worse to live with, although many may feel this is the case. With laws being passed to make exiting a marriage easier, I believe fewer are putting up with bad behavior which we were forced to endure in the past. I believe our culture has placed more emphasis on fulfilling relationships than was expected in the past, for what ever reason.

We marry because we believe it will be a fulfilling, happy, romantic experience. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long before we realize that these expectations were too high, and "surviving" each other seemed to become more the norm. Unfortunately again, we are not always taught at home proper behaviors for marriage. We are naive in thinking that our spouse will take over spoiling us like our parents did, we will continue to be the center of their life, the most important person in the relationship. "After all, Mom thinks I'm perfect."

We all go through a learning curve as newlyweds. There are stages of marriage maturity. When both are trying to make it work, and are focussed on the happiness of the other, most often things can eventually grow into a comfortable, companionable relationship where trust exists, and mutual respect grows.

On occasion, one or both struggle with the change. We may prefer to have high expectations that may or may not be reasonable. We may like to believe that the only way things can be done are the way it was when WE were growing up, at OUR house, or how we have it envisioned in OUR head. Maybe we liked the idea of living together, but not of having to be responsible. That four-letter-word WORK. It's terrifying to a person who has not learned how to.

Luckily, for the most part, we can resolve problems and figure things out over time. Let's discuss those "on occasion" folks who get stuck in behaviors that, if they are not careful, will eventually drive their partner away.

13 BEHAVIORS THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR PARTNER AWAY:

1. Expect them to drop all relationships other than yours. Whine, act jealous, and complain every time they do something with their friends or relatives. Criticize their friends and family, try to drive a wedge between them so you can have them all to yourself. Not that you are planning to let go of your relationships, just expect them to let go of theirs. 
2. Only tell them the truth when it serves you. Only tell them what you want them to hear. Keep them in the dark, exaggerate every situation, make up stories to explain away their concerns. Lose their trust in every aspect of your relationship. 
3. Put other things above your relationship. Put your relationship on your priority list below your interests in sports, work, other friends, your mother, and your fame. Make sure they feel less important to you than your mangy mutt dog. 
4. Treat them like you are their parent. Make all decisions without discussing it together. Tell them what they can or can't do. Make them feel like you are the only one who can, and is smart enough to make the decisions in the family. 
5. Break all of your promises. Don't be where you say you are going to be. Don't call when you promise to call. Don't be there for your kids events even when you pinky promised. Don't take her on that special vacation you promised after she put you through college. Use the words "I promise" only as a way to get what you want, without really planning to follow through. 
6. Speak negatively about them to others. Make sure that everywhere you go you convince everyone that your partner is flawed. Make them hate her/him. Draw sympathy from everyone as you paint yourself as a victim. 
7. Play games with them. Be passive aggressive with them. Manipulate them without their knowing. Do "crazy-making," "gas-lighting" techniques to keep them off balance. 
8. Ignore them when they are talking to you. Keep thinking about other things while they pour out their hearts to you. Act like their life and their day is not important. 
9. Make everything only about you. Be the center of the universe. Make sure that you and your partner are putting you first in every decision. Your happiness is all that matters. Theirs is inconsequential. 
10. Be unfaithful to them. The best way to make a partner lose their love for you is to betray them intimately. Let them believe their love is just not good enough. Make them believe their body is not enough. Let them know how little you regard them by getting sexual with someone else. Even if it's just pictures online. 
11. Always be negative with them. Never compliment their accomplishments, talents, or work. Only point out the things you can find that are not perfect. Or put a negative slant on everything. Be a "glass-half-empty" type of person. Drain all the sunshine out of everyone around you. Be critical and demanding. Find fault at every turn. Peck them to death. Push their buttons and keep them upset all the time. It makes you feel powerful.  
12. When doing something for them, do a poor job. Pretty soon they will stop asking you to help them if they believe you are completely incompetent. Never offer to help around the house, you wouldn't want them to have expectations of your contributing anything, ever, now would you? They should be able to do EVERYTHING by themselves. 
13. Sabotage their efforts. After all, if they are successful at something, they might look more important or talented than you. Or they might get a big head and think they can make it on their own without you. Make them feel frustrated any time they try to achieve. Soon they will learn their place as a nobody. 

If it is your goal to rid yourself of your relationship(s), and you are exhibiting these behaviors, you are on the right track. But, if you hope to keep your spouse/friends/family, your relationships could be in danger of terminating. If you are doing many or all of these, you probably don't deserve to be in a healthy relationship, unless you get help and change. You most likely will end up being single, time after time after time. You might consider raising skunks as a profession, or another isolating career, until you learn some people skills, and have a change of heart. 

Meanwhile, your struggling and confused spouse will read every book on marriage, go to relationship classes, google tips on healthy marriages. The truth is, there is nothing they can do to change you. And, there is NO behavior on their part that makes any difference. You will continue to be a jerk regardless of whether they submit and are passive, or aggressively try to bring your actions to your attention. Yet you will continue to blame them for every contentious moment, knowing full well you set them up, and pushed their buttons to get a reaction and enjoyed every minute of the power you exerted over them by making them react.

Why do people act like this? How do these behaviors become part of someone's personality? Many reasons. Maybe you were an only child, an eldest son, a first born....who was worshipped by your parents and spoiled. You grew up believing that this worship is what you deserved from everyone. Maybe you were abused as a child. Maybe you were neglected, your needs were not met as an infant/child, and you made up your mind to watch out for yourself...."dog eat dog" sort of thing.

Maybe you were over weight growing up, or short, or some other thing that drew negative attention at school. "I'll show them when I grow up." Whatever happened, however you got to this place, the decision to be mean and nasty was made by you. Which means you can "undecide" to be mean and nasty. Your partner cannot make this decision for you. Neither can a professional therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Nor your mother.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that because something like this happened to you, it's okay for you to behave badly. Many abuse or spoil victims have chosen to be nice people. No behavior towards you is an excuse to be a nasty person. 

To be blunt, these traits are those of a very selfish person. It's no surprise that the number one cause of divorce is selfishness which reveals itself through different faces. Addiction, infidelity, abuse, financial concealment, etc. It means that YOU need help. Not your spouse. They are the victims. No, they do not need to take "obedience lessons" in order to save your marriage. They do not need to be perfect. They do not need to walk on egg-shells when you are around. The only chance your marriage has is for YOU to change your behavior. Kick yourself in the butt and admit you are at fault. Do what it takes to get over yourself. It's time to GROW UP! 

Unfortunately, selfish people don't usually recognize that they are at fault, and therefore refuse to try to get help or change. It is possible, but they "gotta wanna." Unselfish people will read this list and not recognize themselves. "I know someone who needs this." They have to decide their relationship is worth saving, and be willing to do whatever it takes. That means putting their own needs and wants on the back burner, and putting their partner's first. Yes, making their partner happy before themselves. It has been done. And if you can't do it, no other relationship will survive you either. No person deserves this treatment, and eventually they will need to run or be destroyed by you as well.

And nothing I say here will convince a broken soul to change. But it may open the eyes of their victims, and give their frustrations validation. It may help them give themselves permission to find solutions to their situation of being in a toxic, dead-end relationship. Is there hope? Yes, a three percent chance of change. Can a victim change bad behaviors in a partner? You have a zero percent chance of successfully changing your partner. Like I said before, they have to change themselves.

So, a note to those who act according to this list. You may fool a lot of people, for a while. Eventually your number will come up, and you will find yourself completely alone in this world. You will run out of people to make feel bad about themselves, ruin their hopes, and continually make cry. If you take pleasure in these kinds of results, then you will have to face the consequences of where selfish people end up. Like Scrooge's vision of his own funeral where no one came to mourn his loss.

I know many such people who have been cut off from even their own children, and in their old age, no one will take care of them. They refuse to put up with their cloud of ugliness that a toxic person will bring to a home. So, decide if the fun you have in playing games with those in your social and intimate circle of relationships is worth the price in the end. Living your life, alone.

Or, with the help of the atonement, one can always ask for forgiveness, soften one's heart, and repent of these relationship repelling behaviors. Then, and only then, will it be possible to enjoy lasting, deep and rich relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to one's life. Believe it or not, it's even better and more satisfying than making people miserable. Really!

There is nothing better that a happy marriage, and nothing more miserable than an unhappy marriage. Which do you choose? Drive your partner away? Or make them want to stay? It's all up to you. 

By Lisa McDougle, CLC

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