LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 3

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part three of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                QUESTIONS 15-20

15. When did your divorce take place? 

1. Within a year ago............................................................................16.39%

2. Within the last five years.................................................................44.26%

3. Six to ten years ago.........................................................................14.75%

4. More than eleven years ago............................................................24.59%

16. How set were you financially after the divorce?

1. Very well..........................................................................................4.07%

2. Satisfactory......................................................................................30.89%

3. Barely surviving...............................................................................65.4%

COMMENTS:

1. "We both went from very well off, to living in poverty. I hope it was worth it to her. It was hardly fair to our children."

2. "Not as good as I could have been had we stayed together.. I took some financial aid sooner than I could have to help us out, long before she pulled the plug.. Had I know this was coming, I would have waited and received much more money by taking it later.. So I am forever screwed!"

3. "broke, I lost everything to her. I only had a job and a car and clothes."

4. "My financial situation has been so much better since the divorce than it ever was during out marriage."

5. "Underwater on Monthly expenses...trying to fix up and sell house."

6. "As noted, we never had much to begin with...I had a $10/hr job, and moved back with my parents - but I had no car."

7. "I'm definitely worse off financially, since I earned less than my wife while we were married. But I can pay my bills, so I'm doing okay."

8. "I went from having a well established savings before the marriage to wondering how I was going to pay my bills."

9. "I was making a major career change at the same time as the divorce and was just starting my own business."

10. "I was in commercial lending which was hard hit by the economy and was laid off. When the money started to run out, she took half and left. I struggled until I found new work, and paid all my bills on time and tried to make the best of my situation."

11. "Had to get help from church and salvation army."

12. "Getting better but still tough."

13. "My ex wasn't having control of my finances again was a good thing. She was a financial drain on me during our marriage."

14. "My career was impacted negatively as I tried to salvage my marriage. It's never recovered."

15. "I had a job, she did not and is struggling emotionally from it all, I still carry the burden of the finances till the property sells."

16. "Totally destroyed financially. Attorney of wife violated court orders, cleaned my ex out, spun my costs out of control. A bar complaint against her and she withdrew, but the financial damage and 20 years of house equity were destroyed. Now I have IRS and State Tax challenges, my ex left the state, won't work, won't pay her way, won't reimburse, won't pay child support. Children live with me, she abandoned them. All of these issues, had multiple times that intervention could have happened, but bishops believed that I was the problem, and it took years for them to see the reality, but the damage was done."

17. "I gave all I had to her...then slowly rebuilt."

18. "Bought out of the house, but was still enrolled in grad school."

19. "I lost my job about eight months later and have been unemployed for a year."

20. "foreclosure and bankruptcy."

21. "She stole my identity ran up credit card debt and the filed for divorce after the damage was done."

22. "losing her was a financial boon."

23. "lost jobs spending too much of my time traveling to fix the Marriage."

17. How financially set was your ex-wife after the divorce?

1. Better than me.........................................................................32.50%

2. Very well set...........................................................................14.17%

3. Satisfactory..............................................................................32.50%

4. Not very well..........................................................................15%

5. Barely surviving......................................................................15%

6. I gave her nothing.....................................................................1.6%

COMMENTS:

1. "I was ordered to give her about 68% of my gross income."

2. "It was her choice. I gave her 65% of the 401K and a few items she asked for. I retained the home and vacation condo as she could never afford it. I myself struggle to affford it on my own."

3. "Ex is worth more after divorce than during marriage."

4. "She is Ms.Payday loans... She recently started hitting up my family members for loans."

5. "My ex left me with a huge mortgage on a house that was worth $200,000 less that what was owed due to the realestate down turn. She did not gain much but left debt free."

6. "She doesn't report wage increases to health and welfare, so I continue to pay more for child support."

7. "My ex-wife wasn't about money or posessions, she just needed to break free."

8. "She had a house and car, but no job...though the small alimony I was able to pay her."

9. "She chose a quick Nevada divorce which required her to waive any claim to support.....I split 1 tax refund (only to avoid a huge tax bill to me). We mutually want zero contact with each other and haven't for almost 3 years."

10. "She took in "friends" who then took advantage of her."

11. "Her father's financial over-involvement was also a significant contributor to our breakup."

12. "She had no money management skills. with a good income, she was still constantly out of money. assets were divided in her favor, but she still squandered it."

13. "Don't know. She married twice after."

14. "i had 2 houses and gave her one and all the furniture so as the kids could be fine."

15. "She kept getting fired due to unstable behavior. After almost three years she's finally working at a good job in her field."

16. "I stipulated to carry the marital debt until the property sold. She is struggling emotionally with it all and cannot find work right now. The divorce has hurt her more than me."

17. "She got the house and her daddy paid for most of her legal fees as she said I had raped her. This made him want to destroy me financially. Untrue, but it helped her fund efforts to destroy me."

18. "She never improved upon her situation...I've been paying the mortgage ever since."

19. "she didn't know how to manage money."

20. "I could not afford for them to live with me. She had the house and the money."

21. "she got the house."

22. "She took everything." 

18. Who ended up with custody of the children (if applicable)?

1. We have joint custody, they live with her and I have visitation....56.98%

2. We have joint custody, they live with me and she has visitation...16.28%

3. I have sole custody........................................................................11.63%

4. She has sole custody......................................................................15.12%

MOST COMMON COMMENTS:

1. "she had them the first 5 years.....I have had them the last 11 years." "That has now changed after 8 years. My son now lives with me."

2. "We did not have any Kids together. I had 2 and she had 3. Her 3 are sealed to us both." "They were her step children."

3. "They are her children of her previous marriage."

4. "they were old enough, 2 months after the divorce all 4 lived with me." "There were no minor children." "They were all grown and out of the house." "All the children were over 18." "all the children are now married and we have very good relationships."

5. "I have custody of my daughters, she has my son. We both have occasional visitation." "We split custody...she took one and insisted I take the other."

6. "I see my child almost every day." "I see my child almost every day." "there were no limits on visitation rights."

7. "joint custody, 50/50 split." "50/50 split joint custody." "shared custody/legal, live 53/47 mom/dad." "We are supposed to have split 50/50 joint custody. Our child sleeps at my home 5/7ths of ever week." "Shared, equal time at each house." "We have joint cujstody of the minor son and he lives with each of us equally. her during the week. me every weekend." "In WA we have true joint custody. Kids stay with me half week her other half of week." "50/50." "due to Utah's slanted custody laws she got sole custody. ultimately I won joint custody in another states courts." "actually, we have joint physical custody, they go back and forth." "Joint custody, half time at each household."

8. "She had child with boyfriend. Grandparents have custody."

9. "I have sole custody due to her passing."

10. "This was a very sad sad arrangement yet the courts wouldn't give me more time, the family Law system is female basis."

11. "I have sole physical and legal custody. She has visitation." "We have joint custody, but she abandoned the children after getting remarried. Life was generally about her needs first, children secondary. After the divorce, she wanted to change the rules of the decree. I would not allow - holding her to healthy boundaries. She fled."

12. "We were separated for five years prior and the children lived with her. At the time of the divorce only one child was at home. I had visitation but he was an older teenager and was doing most things on his own by then, so there was no enforced visitation schedule. Plus I was working in a different state by then."

13. "Which I attribute to my lack of funds and her ability to vilify me in the eyes of so called officials."

14. "refused to let me see them till last year." "Ran with the kids and has been hiding in different states, filling the kids minds with falsehoods against me. I finally caught up with her and they are having a chance to get to know me better."

19. How financially secure are the children after the divorce?

1. I left no provisions for the children...............................................13.13%

2. Satisfactory...................................................................................63.64%

3. Very well set up I believe.............................................................22.23%

COMMENTS:

1. "I have a college fund set for the child and work hard to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants."

2. "I lost my job because I couldn't work overtime. Worked temp agency positions to keep food on table and roof over our heads."

3. "they are making their way admirably..."

4. "We're scraping by. I'm in school and still trying to make inroads back into my career."

5. "I tried to protect the children's bank accounts, but she cleaned them out to pay her attorney after Court Orders to not do so. I caught her in this, but she lied to the Court and was able to steal about 50% of their funds. The court would not hold her to account."

6. "They did have their college paid, if they chose to go."

7. "Learned a lot of bad financial habits from their mother."

8. "Up until I lost my job. The youngest is now on a mission and the rest are married."

9. "Grown-up and on their own."

20. Were you "active" in the church at the time of the divorce?

1. Yes........................................................................................82.79%

2. Somewhat..............................................................................11.48%

3. No...........................................................................................5.74%

LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY, Part 2

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part two of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                      PART TWO

QUESTION NUMBERS EIGHT-FOURTEEN

8. How Large of a Trial Was This For You? 

1. The worst trial of my life........................................................71.3%

2. A definite trial, but I've had worse.........................................24.59%

3. Not a big deal..........................................................................3.28%

4. A delightful experience............................................................. .82%

9. Did you ever have suicidal thoughts of 

suicide or running away during the divorce?

1. Both suicide & running away...................................................14.88%

2. No............................................................................................57.85%

3. Suicide......................................................................................19.01%

4. Running away............................................................................8.26%

10. What were the ages of your children (if

any) at the time of the divorce?

1. Infants.........................................................................................6.25%

2. Toddlers/Preschoolers................................................................36.61%

3. Elementary School.....................................................................55.36%

4. Jr. High......................................................................................29.46%

5. High School...............................................................................35.71%

6. College/Young Adult.................................................................21.43%

7. Married/Older Single Adults......................................................13.39%

11. During and after the divorce I:

1. Kept my emotions to myself, putting on a brave front................33.61%

2. Showed my emotions to close associates only............................40.16%

3. Was free with my emotions........................................................13.93%

4. Withdrew from society and kept to myself.................................27.87%

5. Clung to family and friends for support......................................27.05%

12. What were the results from your approach?

1." I learned that we can take nothing for granted, because, we may never get another chance!!!!"

2. "Healing."

3. "I received considerable family and friend support but proved to be a negative in subsequent dating."

4. "A lot of people are void of compassion and don't want to hear about other people's problems. Latter-Day Saints are huge hypocrites when it comes to "morning with those that mourn".

5. "I chose not to tell my family all that had gone on because I did not want any Judgements, even towards her. Our Bishop doesn't even know the entire story. Only a few select very close friends do. and in fact I didn't even meet them until after we separated. They were with me through the actual divorce and many other trials. I have found the greatest support through some amazing friends that I literally met on FB! I had support that I never received from any church member who knew me. The friends are all LDS as well. And from different States. But I have been blessed to be able to meet them. And one I see regularly who has become my best friend."

6. "I got full custody of my 3 daughters and life is good because the church teaches self sufficiency."

7. "It finally spilled all out when a Bishop asked me if I wanted to talk.. I really needed to let it all go... He gave me a Priesthood Blessing after, and I was much better."

8. "A break down a year and a half after the divorce during deployment to Afghanistan."

9. "Loneliness, depression."

10. "alcohol, drugs and self harm."

11. "I wasn't being man enough to put an end to it."

12. "Drove me to counseling within a month. Spent 9 months in counseling to start to scab over the deep wounds. Took 5 years to heal with zero help from the church. In fact it was horrible from the church, they just could not understand."

13. "Usually helpful, exhausting for others. Concerned that all I did was complained, but was just focusing on how to eliminate the negatives so she could see positives. And mainly to help kids through it all."

14. "Several of my family members initially said I was a liar and aligned themselves with my ex. In the last two years since the official separation, all but two have come around and realized that I was not the liar, cheater or thief."

15. "I felt I had no choice. It was depressing and left me constantly tired."

16. "I received a tremendous amount of support from my family."

17. "I pushed my family away and it wrecked my career."

18. "Good. My friends and family supported me."

19. "When my marriage was failing, I put on the brave front approach. As the divorce was imminent and eventually filed withdrew from society (i.e. church) and clung to the support offered by friends and family who had experienced what I was going through. The results? Despite not having family geographically close I feel I have a good support system (not perfect) for me and my kids."

20. "It's just how I am - not everyone needs to see me wearing my emotions. I don't know what the results were compared to some other approach."

21. "Positive. I have avenues to express emotions and thoughts to those who would not degrade me. I also had mature and balanced people who would let me know if I was in the right and even when I am wrong in dealing with every situation."

22. "It dragged on far too long before I had reason to see my concerns as valid - whereas she was frequently telling her daughters how bad I was / letting them continue with the image of me as a horrible immoral husband."

23. "I moved on."

24. "I was withdrawn from society and I kept to myself."

25."I became even lonelier than before."

26. "It helped keep most of my life (outside of the marriage) pretty normal."

27. "I now some of the closest friends ever and a few new ones."

28. "Support from family and friends."

29. "Finding comfort in the wrong places."

30. "I lost contact with many of my friends and it led me to go inactive."

31. "I did break down crying once outside my bishop's office while waiting to meet with him. It was really hard to deal with it and my family tried to support me but knew that I had to work through it."

32. "They were my support group and without them, I would have gone insane."

33. "It has been a very healthy, liberating experience."

34. "Unhappiness but thankful for support I got."

35. "I finally realized the harder I tried to reconcile with my wife who left me, the more antagonistic she became. I finally realized after 15 months since she left, I was forced to sign off."

36. "Feeling isolation and abused by leadership and especially by lack of support from the relief society which went out of the way to punish me for getting custody."

37. "Too much info about our divorce got out."

38. "I found it a good "middle way" not keeping it bottled up but not wearing my emotions on my sleeve either."

39. "Loneliness, depression."

40. "An Affair."

41. "varied results from different people."

42. "Just lonely a lot. Didn't have much time for friends or socializing."

43. "I wish I would have kept more things to myself. My friends, family and colleagues were great and very supportive, I just feel I looked weak in hind sight."

44. "Educated."
45. "It helped me to stay strong in the gospel."

46. "It helped but I also took up Competitive Couples Dancing which helped to keep me busy and focus elsewhere."

47. "I'm not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve anyway, so it was business as usual."

48. "It worked well for me as my ward family was close associates and they helped to carry me through."

49. "Isolation, self doubt."

50. "There are not support resources in the church. I became an island, unwanted, isolated, my home teacher bought into her stories and told me to go to hell. The Elders Quorum Presidents wife, looked me in the face and said "I hate you, I've always hated you". My ex's smear campaign turned my divorce into the test of Christianity for the ward. Few passed the test. Many would avoid me. I've seen others go through the same challenge. The Church does not address mental health issues / challenges in marriage. Personality Disorders from abuse do enter into a marriage."

51. "I went to counseling before the divorce and stuck with it, got everything out, dealt with it and recovered quickly."

52. "Helped get it off my chest."

53. "Some encouragement and good advice."

54. "No one came to my aid and I needed help."

55. "Feeling alone in a new state with no new friends. I know that if I venture into the singles scene with same sex attraction that I'll get a lot of judgment. Plus, I'm not interested in marriage or women anymore because no matter how hard a man with this struggles -Women always find a fault."

56. "Amicable divorce."

57. "Drove the women away. Kept feeding my emotions and delayed the healing process. Two weeks after the divorce she moved in with a man she had been dating the last three years of marriage, Spent the nights with him and the days with her children."

58. "I was able to heal and work on moving on with the pain."

59. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

60. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

61. "I am so freakin lonely and my emotions are just barely contained, but I'm wiser, more calm, and introspective."

62. "it ended up strengthening my testimony but alienating some people."

63. "Not sure, but she shared the situation with everyone and some became biased against me so I started sharing with more people."

64. "Everyone told me I had to fix it. Even when I approached her about counseling, she said that I needed to go. Marriage counseling has to be for both, when she told me that I was the one that needed to go, it let me know that what she said the year before was correct, the marriage was over."

65. "Stubborn caring friends bashed through my walls. They helped."

66. "Detachment from people whom I once associated with."

67. "I was looked at as a weakling by church leaders."

68. "Seemed to work. I didn't go crazy, kept my business going, and took care of my then 15 year old daughter."

69. "I felt safer and more at ease."

70. "INTERNAL PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, I FELT VERY ALONE."

71. "SPLITTING UP WAS SUCH A RELIEF THAT I FELT WORSE THAT OUR FAMILY WAS BROKEN UP THAN I DID ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED TO MY EX ANYMORE."

13. Did your marriage affect your health? 

1. Very much.................................................................................30.33%

2. Somewhat..................................................................................39.34%

3. Not at all.....................................................................................30.33%

14. What was your children's reactions to your divorce?

1. Anger at you................................................................................14.78%

2. Anger at your spouse...................................................................16.52%

3. Anger at you and your spouse......................................................18.26%

4. Became distant, moody, kept to themselves..................................32.17%

5. Became rebellious, got into trouble...............................................23.48%

6. Grades dropped in school/participation in activities stopped.........23.48%

7. Church attendance stopped...........................................................20.87%

8. Gained or lost weight......................................................................7.83%

9. Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol.......................................6.96%

10. Ran away from home...................................................................1.74%

11. Took sides with one of the parents..............................................22.61%

12. No changes at all.........................................................................12.71%

13. They were glad for the change....................................................16.52%

14. They improved with their attitudes and happiness.........................6.09%

15. They began to thrive......................................................................5.22%

16. Other.............................................................................................33.04% 

Comments:

1. "Thankfully, my children know who demanded the destruction of their family. I'm thankful that kids are as smart as they are and can see their parents for who/what they truly are."

2. "Her daughter took it the hardest I think. SHe had a lot of anger at the situation. We had a lot of long talks. I did not want that to enter her heart even if she knew the truth. I had to forgive her Mom and so should she. They are doing better now although I believe there is still some resentment. Her 2 boys were different. They didn't say much. She began allowing them to do whatever they wanted (The daughter was married and out of the house) Our daughter is very worried about her brothers. Says she knows her life is the way it is because I was in it. SHe fears the boys will be forever in need of someone else to take care of them. The oldest brother is 21 and has never gotten his drivers license! He just graduated (GED) from high school last year."

3. "Only the eldest has had an emotional reaction."

4. "They were her children of her previous marriage.."

5. "Varied kid to kid."

6. "initially sad and hopeful add reconciliation, then after getting kicked out of mom's home and living with me more, I helped then through and reconcile with mom, I kept stable lifestyle kids could count on and thrived in."

7. "Thankfully, due to immigration processes, my daughter never really remembers our being together."

8. "Have not seen or spoken to them."

9. "They wanted us to stay together."

10. "Luckily no children involved because they are the ones that suffer the worse in the long run."

11. "It didn't make sense to them."

12. "My ex and I worked VERY HARD to make sure our daughter was not affected. This really helped."

13. "They took sides until some of them started to figure out why she left, but didn't want to think ill of their mother."

14. "they were sad but glad. They were afraid of their mother and her friends. The oldest said about a month after mom was gone that the spirit had returned to our home and there is finally peace."

15. "they were unhappy about it, and struggled some, but adapted well."

16. "My oldest daughter took moms side, very belligerent and angry. Her grades have slipped and she has gained a lot of weight. She has had many episodes of anger at the church building school and also at home."

17. "they were as stable as could be hoped, except the youngest daughter - expressing much grief."

18. "I kept the kid out of it much as possible."

19. "only later in life did they express their sadness and how if affected them. my eldest son especially."

20. "The 5 year old was sad but relieved when my ex left. The 3 year old was sad but both adapted (I have full custody)."

21. "Guess they were all relieved I was gone."

22. "son took a long time to potty train, kept wetting the bed."

23. "they were sad but really too young to understand."

24. "I never talked to them about it. She had the children and I walked away."

25. "I'm basically just the guy their mom was married to."

26. "developed severe separation anxiety."

27. "They were glad for the change because they were tired of the tension and contention."

28. "Each of 4 children reacted very differently, 2 older children angry at motehr, 1 younger child angry at me, 1 child 15 yrs old, had extreme reaction became depressed & ran away."

29. "with six kids there were quite an array of actions/comments."

30. "They resent being juggled, but can see that we're all happier now."

LDS DIVORCED MEN'S SURVEY, Part 1

                                  

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, and now 2014, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is part one of the survey for LDS Divorced Men. 

                                              

                                            PART ONE

                              

This is a private, very confidential, voluntary survey that is not in any way officiated by the LDS Church. Thank you for helping to gather information that will be used to help educate members and leaders to better support those going through, or having been through divorce. If you are interested in contributing to this ongoing research, please take this survey FOR THE BRETHREN at:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZXJXZXQLDSDIVORCEDMEN

CHRIST'S CHURCH IS FOR ALL

QUESTION NUMBER ONE:

1. If you went inactive because of the divorce, what would it take to make you want to come back?

NUMBER ONE ANSWER: "Fellowshipping"

"I feel isolated and alone in my ward. Its hard to stay motivated to go. A actual friend would be nice." "Unconditional love from other members." "I did for a short time. It took prayers from family and friends on my behalf combined with a good Bishop and good friends who came and visited me to give me the nudge I needed." "Strong support from members of the ward I am to help me get back." " I always want to be active but certain things trigger a since of not feeling like I'm wanted or I'm out of place," "I've already come back after 2 yrs of inactivity and all it took was an invitation. I moved while inactive and for 18 months there was never a knock on my door by the ward (though its my responsibility to go back not theirs) but one day 2 sister missionaries startled me in my garage and simply said "So will we see you on Sunday?" The rest is history." "I did go inactive for a month or two. I knew that I wanted to go back, but it felt so odd being around kids and families. It was difficult to feel accepted." "I just had gone through years of agony in a bad marriage, and then was treated like I had leprosy when my wife left. Just treat me like you did before the divorce. As if divorce isn't hard enough, to have your friends and ward family treat you like you carry the plague....I know the church is true, but the members need to work on being more 'Christ-like.' Christ would never treat His children this way." 

NUMBER TWO ANSWER: "I wish there was a 'Single's Ward.'"

"I like singles wards because singles often feel out of place in traditional married wards. But for those of us over 45...none exist."  "fellowship of single adults',"Fellowshipping of SA," "I wish there was a 'single's ward' to attend with people who have like issues. I'm over 45 and feel like a not-wanted mis-fit." "I no longer felt welcome in the family ward, so I fled to the 'Single's Ward' and found the support and fellowshipping that I needed." "Single's Wards are the best. I started coming again only because there was a group of single friends who took me to the 'single's ward where I felt accepted." 

NUMBER THREE ANSWER: "Family wards should be more aware of the Single's." 

"Not feeling like I am out of place as a single parent. same goes for my kids. People in the Church want to be nice and understanding, but they don't get it. All my kids get is what the ideal is, and never felt comfortable in the situation they were put in because of the parents." "I would say occasionally bringing in some thoughts, talks, or lessons that pertain more to singles. There is so much focus on family (not that that is a bad thing)." "I wish I didn't feel like the 'elephant in the room' when I came to church, or the latest item of gossip." "I wish there were more activities for us in the family wards." 

NUMBER FOUR ANSWER: "Ward leaders could be more supportive."

"I never lost my testimony I just felt so alone like I was the only divorced member of my ward. My ward and stake leadership had no clue how to help me." "More acceptance of humility in the repentance process. Feel like the process degrades you and humiliates you in a bad way. Makes a man want to "shop around" for a more empathetic and understanding Bishop." "I'm currently active, but only because a wonderful home teacher visited me and made sure to let me know that everyone in the ward cared about me." "I wish that the leaders had more training about how to support the Singles, and not make them feel left out." 

NUMBER FIVE ANSWER: "A woman." 

"The love of a good and forgiving woman." "A date or girl friend who is active." "I would probably go more often if I had a female to go for or with." "I returned to church when I was ready to date. I wanted to find a Mormon woman to marry." "When I'm ready to get into another relationship, I will come back to mingle with the ladies in the church." "I need to have a good woman in my life, I would return for that."

COMMENTS: 

*"I did not go inactive - though it felt horrible, coming back to my family ward where I lived prior to my marriage...I felt like a complete failure (married at 40, separated/divorced at 43). I had family in that ward, but it was the friendship of 2 men that truly helped...one was the Elders Quorum President (he had been my home teacher 7 years before when I moved to Utah), and the other was the EQ pres when I got married, later a counselor in the Bishopric - 2 years later and he is now the High Priests Group leader....and still a good friend. It has helped that in his past, he himself had made serious mistakes while a young man, and had difficulties with some of his children - including a suicide. I think that many MANY times, we LDS are so focused on "be ye therefore perfect" (and especially if we ourselves have always walked the straight line and never messed up ourselves in major ways) that we find it rather hard to relate to - or even sympathize - with those who are hurting inside, whether from sin or family dissolution...so many people just have no frame of reference, unless they have gone through trials similar to my HP group leader. We have in our mind the ideal Mormon family as the Osmonds or the homefront TV commercials of the 1970's...as we can't live up to that very easily (hence the overuse of Prozac among Utah LDS women - not including the over prescribing to youth on basis of ADD/ADHD)..."

*"Did go inactive. Came back because I had a testimony, and was tired of living in hypocrisy."

*"My desire for happiness brought me back."

QUESTION NUMBER TWO:

2. What state did you live in at the time of your divorce? 

IN ORDER OF HIGHEST NUMBER:

*Utah and California 

*Texas

*North Carolina

*Idaho, Nevada, Ohio, Washington, Kansas, Pennsylvania

*Georgia, Arizona, Virginia, Missouri, New York

QUESTION NUMBER THREE:

3. Who was the partner to file for divorce? 

I was...............................................................20.0%

She was.........................................................55.9%

It was a joint decision...................................16.1%

QUESTION NUMBER FOUR:

4. What were the reasons for the divorce? 

Infidelity......................................................................52.5%

Personality Disorders/emotional-mental illness:
Bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, 
paranoia, suicidal, psychopathic, etc....................38.4%

Abuse:
Physical, emotional/verbal, sexual, isolation,
control, passive aggressive, stalking, etc.............37.4%

Financial:
No job, not enough money, controls the 
money, lies about the money.................................28.3%

Inability to tell the truth.............................................20.2%

Addiction:
Porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex......16.2% 

Same sex attraction...................................................5.1%
********************************************************************
On my part.................................................................14.1%
On her part.................................................................62.6%
A mix of both..............................................................23.3%

QUESTION NUMBER FIVE:

5. How many years were you married?

Less than one year...................................................1.7%

Between 1 and 5 years..........................................16.1%

Between 6 and 10 years........................................20.3%

Between 11 and 20 years.....................................45.8%

Between 21 and 40 years.....................................16.1%

Over 40 years..............................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SIX: 

6. How many years did you stay in the marriage while it was "bad?"

Less than one.............................................................16.4%

Between 1 and 5........................................................46.6%

Between 6 and 10......................................................19.0%

Between 11 and 20....................................................13.8%

Between 21 and 40......................................................4.3%

More than 40...................................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SEVEN:

7. Once you realized that you were in a bad marriage, what were the reasons for waiting to get out? 

Doing everything I could to fix the marriage............66.7%

The children..................................................................47.9%

Temple Marriage.........................................................44.4%

Fear of others reactions..............................................9.4%

Finances.......................................................................7.7%

No support....................................................................5.1%

Fear of abuse...............................................................2.6%

Other..............................................................................24.8%

Comments:

*"I did everything I could. and to be honest she fought it also. But eventually (and because of some other things going on) I had to allow her to leave. Forcing her to stay isn't any different than choosing divorce IMHO."

*"She was my best friend."

*"I left after she started doing DUI and sleeping with men in my home. I had no money to file for a divorce because she would not contribute to the upkeep of the home or our child."

*"Where still close friends, no intimacy, just good friends."

*"obligation."

*"Fear of Failure, it took me 2 years before I dared to speak to my family about it " 

*"Still love her."

*"I felt I'd be breaking my temple covenants.."

*"fear of living on my own."

*"wife had cancer."

*"I didn't want a divorce as I felt it is one of the worst things that could happen."

*"afraid she would get children and abuse them further."

*"Hoping for me to change."

*"commitment."

*"Started back to the Church."

*"If my ex had been willing to work together on the marriage I would never have filed."

*"I made her file because I found someone else and I did not care."

*"church leaders involved, not trained licensed counselors."

*"Got out as soon as I found out but it took a while."

*"Each time I prayed the Lord said STAY."

*"inertia."

*"Although I say "doing everything I could" hindsight shows I could have done more but wonder if more would have ever been enough."

*"Despair."

*"hope she would change."

*"I FELT LIKE I HAD TO."

 (More to come)

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